Relationship over, don’t know what to do to be fair

[Ofalltheginjoints]

DP and I split up on Friday following a row over stupid things a straw that broke the camels back type situation and I really don’t know what to do

We live together and I own the house that we live in (DP couldn’t get a mortgage, sounds horrible but feels like a blessing in disguise right now) so he will move out and I’ve said 3 months as a rough time scale, already dreading this and the house just feels awful he’s moved into the spare room and we’re talking purely about the dog, we haven’t discussed money yet and thankfully finances are separate however is it wrong to ask him to still pay a contribution to the house until he finds a place to live?

We bought the house just pre covid and the plan was for him to pay half the mortgage a month and when he was able to to be added onto the mortgage, he didn’t put in any of the deposit so no claim at all on the house, when covid hit it impacted his business and because he is a director he didn’t qualify for any covid help so I’ve paid the all the bills except two and covered the expenses etc, things have improved and for the last 4 months he has been paying his share

My thinking is that if he was renting somewhere he would have to pay but I don’t want to make things awkward, I love him, and want this to be as painless for all sides as it can be but I’m also so worried about the dog and if I can keep him, he’s a joint dog but I have a disability which means I can’t always walk him I don’t know if I’ll manage alone?

Everything feels such a mess

@gutful he is now threatening to take me to court for the dog if I don’t let him have him half of the time, I’m not sure he actually would however after his behaviour tonight he might do it, I want the dog to stay with me and he is registered to me

@DropDTuning no I don’t only the bank transfer from myself to him entitled business loan as my parents sent it to me first, he is planning on borrowing money from his DM to repay them, he wants written information about the dog so if it comes to that I’m sure I could counter for written information about the loan

The dog is legally yours - he has no rights to the dog. An animal registered to you belongs to you.

This is unfortunately the natural consequence of his decision to leave. He can't have it both ways. The dog doesn't belong to him, so he has to reconcile that himself.

Do not agree to let him have visitation of your dog - he could easily say the dog was "lost" - it's not wise for you to let him have visitation of the dog.

He would be laughed out of court trying to fight for custody of a dog he does not own.

This is the law, him being on the adoption papers means nothing in the eyes of the law - at least it doesn't in Australia where I am from.

As you can see he has now become nasty when you've stood your ground.

Do not comply with this ridiculous demand. This is called being an adult & having to face consequences for decisions made.

Do not continue to protect him from his life decisions.

Also as the dog's primary caretaker - you sound like you have better finances & are actually responsible for eg: dog's wellbeing like food / vets etc

I would not trust him to take care of the dog. It's easy for him to play dog daddy when he doesn't actually do anything to keep the dog alive & couldn't finance his vet visits or emergencies.

I’ve just double checked pet log and ddog is registered to both our names, can’t remember doing that as thought it was in mine only so now I may have no choice.

I would be fine in him having the dog part of the time if he was close by, it’s him moving 100’s of miles which is my issue, he loves the dog as do I and he wouldn’t let any harm come to him if needs vets etc he’s insured and I’d pay my objection is really down to the distanced involved and that I can’t physically do the journey in one day and don’t want to fry

Can you ring up & have him removed from the registration ?

DropDTuning no I don’t only the bank transfer from myself to him entitled business loan as my parents sent it to me first, he is planning on borrowing money from his DM to repay them, he wants written information about the dog so if it comes to that I’m sure I could counter for written information about the loan

I was afraid you would say that. I suggest you get that loan confirmed in writing first and foremost. It's a shame your parents have been drawn into this. Is it a significant sum of money?

@DropDTuning it was several thousand pounds however he has repaid that to me today so at least that is settled and my parents aren’t out of pocket financially

@gutful I contacted them to see if I could do that and it will require a transfer of ownership into my name only which would need his agreement so not going to happen

Update is he is now leaving next week despite everything I feel utterly heartbroken and no agreement about ddog

He hasn't made an effort to contribute to the house since you bought it. I suspect he'll be equally proactive in taking you to court for custody of the dog...🙄

To be honest, it's not a surprise he's been taking you for granted and the relationship is on its last legs - you sound like a people pleaser and he's lost respect for you as you don't value yourself enough. People pleasing with men NEVER works. Men simply lose respect for you in time

Sorry OP, to clarify the eye roll was at your ex, not you. Sorry you're going through this.

I feel sorry for both of you. It sounds like he is actually trying to do the right thing. I can understand his sadness leaving the dog behind,and his desire to try and get access,, but it is not practical.

You are in the right, just hold strong
To put it simply, there is no way through this that avoids anguish and heartbreak. You both have to go through the pain.

It is horrible when someone you have loved leaves. I remember when I left my first partner, I howled and hugged him when I left. I was devastated. But things were awful and the relationship was over. I knew that, but I still grieved for what we had lost.

Better times will come.

Yes he should pay rent

It is not at all reasonable of him to expect you to drive the dog to see him.

Thanks everyone for your comments, I know pain is to be expected I’m just dreading the time he finally leaves.

He will always love ddog and that isn’t a bad thing he does take good care of him but I do think that his interest may wear off a little when he has to do everything 24/7 we had a walk rota for weekdays and weekends and he hates getting up earlier but that’s his issue now.

@CottonC interesting point, in general I am a people pleaser and like to try and help/save people but you can only do so much the other person has to put effort in, by the end I just wasn’t important or a priority in fact that’s probably been true for longer then I care to admit, his business/hobby always came before me