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Relationships

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Original poster

Ending things because I'm tired. AIBU?

31 replies

anditgoeson · 07/03/2021 12:10

I've been in a relationship with my DP for almost 4 years. We are both 40, both parents and we don't live together. This last lockdown with the homeschooling has been really tough for me. Im trying to juggle 4 days of work against 2.5 days of study as well as parenting and homeschooling. Im exhausted. I've told my DP how exhausted I am and how stressed out I feel and he just brushes it off with comments like, 'tell me about it' or 'isn't everyone ' and 'can't your parents help' (for context they live close by but my Dad is still working and my Mum has cancer).

We see each other a couple of times a week, which isn't a hardship in itself but the only days he wants to see me are my busiest days (usually a Friday, a Sunday or a Monday). He also doesn't contribute anything because he doesn't drive, never has any money and says he's rubbish at DIY and cooking. I moved into my new house last year whilst I was still recovering from major surgery , then we went into lockdown so there is still a lot needing doing to my house.

I've said fair enough to those things but he has become quite emotionally dependent on me during lockdown too. He only sees me and his son so I'm getting the brunt of his moods and also everything else. He calls me several times a day and will just talk over me about whatever is going on in his life. Even the positive chats drain me now.

He talks and I just zone out, by the time I get to speak Im so tired from being talked at that I have nothing to give. In one respect its like a dating set up and in another its a very invested relationship and I just don't think I can do it anymore.

We haven't seen each other for 3 weeks now after a fight we had and he stormed out. We fought over this issue, I told him I was tired of his dumping on me and not supporting me and that I couldn't help him anymore and he stormed out. He has apologised and told me that he loves me but we haven't discussed anything else. He did tell me in the heat of the moment that helping me wasn't his responsibility and that my requests weren't 'make or break'. He knows how I feel and is waiting for me to 'let him know what I'm doing so he can get on with his life ' but I haven't because I just can't face making big decisions right now. I don't want to end a relationship at 40 because I'm tired and maybe we shouldn't expect other people to sort our lives out for us but without some support from a partner I just don't think I can have one. AIBU?

OP posts:

Honestlywtf · 07/03/2021 12:14

Jeezo, what's the point of this? Did he do much when you moved house after having major surgery? He sounds absolutely awful.

Original poster

anditgoeson · 07/03/2021 12:16

Haha, that's made me laugh! Good point. No he didn't because we were on a break at the time.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2021 12:18

Put aside all your exhaustion and stress, and this relationship is still shit, never mind utterly pointless. You should have ended it ages ago. What a selfish, useless man.

Honestlywtf · 07/03/2021 12:21

End it OP, you sound like you are very organised and on top of things and he's just draining you.

seensome · 07/03/2021 12:22

The problem is him, a good relationship, you feel good about yourself, a bad one drains you. He sounds useless and now he's waiting on you to put the effort in and contact him.

ChaToilLeam · 07/03/2021 12:23

It doesn’t sound worth the effort, tbh.

Original poster

anditgoeson · 07/03/2021 12:25

I know I should've really. I was really hoping things would get better. Im not going to lie I really don't want to be alone, I've been through a lot these past few years and in truth I've been scared of being alone again. I was single for a long time before we met and we were really good friends in the beginning (that's how we got together) so I always used to have him to talk to. I am really down about it all and I know its not a brave thing to say but I don't know how much more upset in my life I can take. Writing that post has really put things in black and white for me though. He makes me feel unreasonable for wanting help but it is normal to want that from a relationship occassionally isn't it?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 07/03/2021 12:28

It's nothing to do with being tired. He sounds a pain in the neck. If you don't want to break it off completely try making the arrangements to suit you. Sorry that doesn't work for me that's my busy day.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2021 12:28

Things won't get better, (surely you must know this), because he isn't magically going to change into the person you need him to be. You already are alone in this relationship, which is infinitely worse than being single.

Honestlywtf · 07/03/2021 12:29

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. A partner is meant to support you and lift you up, not drain you and cause you to feel low.

Your feelings are your feelings, it's okay to feel shite about it. But presumably you'll feel a lot less shite when you don't have to listen to him droning on.

MenaiMna · 07/03/2021 12:32

Reading that: I'm tired for you. I think you know the best path for yourself but if you're in doubt look at that period when you were moving and the surgery. Who chose the break at that time? I suspect he saw the pressure coming and stepped back just when you needed more support. That's the sort of person he is for you. So...he's not for you. You sound awesome, you deserve better. Lucky he doesn't live close and can't drive so you can finish it and not have to run in to him.

wandawombat · 07/03/2021 12:32

Your his crutch.

He doesn't want it to be a mutual aid relationship.

Original poster

anditgoeson · 07/03/2021 12:32

@Honestlywtf thank you! I am trying to do the best I can. I've fallen behind massively this month because of all this relationship bother and that's whatbis worrying me. I don't want tonloose everything I am striving for for this relationship.

@seensome that's so true. I told him this, that even though these issues are his doing he is still waiting for me to sort it out. Literally everything is my responsibility and I just can't do it anymore.

Thank you all for your comments. I feel a bit pathetic right now tbh. Reading this all back has given me the reality check I think I needed.

OP posts:

wandawombat · 07/03/2021 12:33

You're....

D'oh.

wandawombat · 07/03/2021 12:33

What are you striving for in the relationship?

TheStoic · 07/03/2021 12:37

Bad news: you’re tired, sad, and disappointed.

Good news: you don’t even have to break up with him. Just don’t initiate contact ever again.

DinosaurDiana · 07/03/2021 12:39

The things that need doing in your house are not his responsibility. He has his own home, you need to get someone in to do your jobs.
So putting that aside, what does he do to enhance your life ? If nothing, walk away.

growinggreyer · 07/03/2021 12:39

It sounds like your relationship ended three weeks ago. Does he have anything at your place that you need to return to him or does he have anything of yours? A 'good' ending might be to arrange a time to swap or return possessions. That marks the finality without needing to get into emotions. All that has been done already.

YoniAndGuy · 07/03/2021 12:41

He's a taker and gives little.

Yep I'd end it. I think you would magically feel a lot less emotionally tired, even if physically life is still hard!

Original poster

anditgoeson · 07/03/2021 12:48

@MenaiMna. Thank you 😊 And yes, very true.

@TheStoic haha, I did actually think of this!

@Aquamarine1029 true. I have actually given this advice after experiencing this in my last relationship.

Well he has just called me to end it anyway. He has called me a coward and said he is doing it to let me off the hook. I tried to talk and he told.me not to bother. So that's that.

OP posts:

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 07/03/2021 12:53

@anditgoeson

Oh honey, you're alone all ready, you just don't realise it! As the only grown up in your relationship, you are on your own in all the big and most of the small things in life, aren't you?

You are his soft patch to land - he's not bringing anything to the table at all. You'd have more energy and more fun if he wasn't in your life.

gutful · 07/03/2021 12:53

There is some serious cognitive dissonance going on here

You feel talked at at, drained & exhausted (I.e needing recharge time to get back on even keel)

You don’t want to be alone & scared of being single at 40

So which is it? Are you tired & need to me away from this person because they are draining the life out of you?

Or do you want his companionship & revel in his emotional dumps onto you on the daily?

Because his type of companionship doesn’t seem to be compatible to yours.

In the right relationship you feel a person energises you, not sucks the very life out of you

But am just a single 38 year old happy to plod along & collect dogs, will wait for something lovely but not take on something mediocre just to have the “security” of a relationship

What is so scary or bad about being single at a certain age if the alternative option is not making you any happier?

Original poster

anditgoeson · 07/03/2021 12:54

@DinosaurDina no I would never ask for help with big things at all. I've only asked him to help me with shifting things into the attic and moving bits around once or twice. Everything else I've done myself or had people in.

OP posts:

gutful · 07/03/2021 12:58

Oh just read your latest posts

To be fair I think 3 weeks is a long time to keep someone on the hook while you think about what you want

If it’s not an enthusiastic “yes!” Then it’s a no really, isn’t it.

You are not listening to your authentic self & what you need. The dithering for 3 weeks was your inner self not wanting him back & enjoying the peace

But your head which has the fear of society supposedly judging you as some pathetic single 40 year old hag has kept you from making the call.

You have felt numb to making a decision & in limbo because of this conflict in your head & heart

It sounds like alone time could be a good thing for you? Covid hasn't made this exactly the year of dating has it ! Sounds like you have a lot going on & some peace + quiet could be nice too.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2021 13:09

Well he has just called me to end it anyway. He has called me a coward and said he is doing it to let me off the hook. I tried to talk and he told.me not to bother. So that's that.

I'm very sorry if you're hurting, but he has done you the biggest favour of your life. Time to move onwards and upwards, without this deadweight emotional vampire.

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