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Original poster

How do I tell my mum she had to move to a care home?

60 replies

whatsthepointinwasps · 07/03/2021 08:11

My mum has Alzheimer’s, lives alone but has 4 visits a day from a care at home company.
These visits cover basic needs but she now needs 24 hr care as she can do virtually nothing herself.

She herself said she feels ‘useless’ and safer when I’m around but I work full time and apart from spending my days off with her when I do her housework, shopping and laundry I’m not around that much.
She agreed it would be better to be living where there is someone there 24/7 but doesn’t want to leave her flat.
I’m not sure how much of this discussion she took in as she seems to have limited capacity (I have POA) but historically she always said ‘I don’t want to end up in a home’

There is a place locally who can take her next week.....I’m just not sure how to tell her????

OP posts:

Solasum · 07/03/2021 08:14

Would it be possible to get some pictures of where she will be moving to, so she can keep them on hand and be able to look at them several times? Will you be able to take some of her own furniture etc to make it seem as much like her current home as possible? It sounds like it is definitely the right decision, but do be prepared for her to get upset

FindMeInTheSunshine · 07/03/2021 08:19

I guess it depends how aware she really is. I think it's quite common to persuade someone to go in "for respite", then they realise it's actually really nice and are happy to stay.

BoxitUp · 07/03/2021 08:20

Does it really gave to he a residential care home. Our council have Extra Care accommodation which means it's a step down from res care but with a warden 24/7 and a domiciliary care package in place. The accommodation is 1 or 2 bedroomed flats with accessible bathroom, walk in shower, bed rails if needed, etc. Some EC accommodation have good social hubs.

Lollypop4 · 07/03/2021 08:22

The right decision ,though hard.
I would also get photos for her to see the new place, I hope a lot of her posessions can go too.
My mother struggled for 2yrs to get my grandfather into 24hr care, barely any availabilty and Its still an issue in most places I think.
Good luck Op (& to your Mum)

NerrSnerr · 07/03/2021 08:26

@BoxitUp

You still wouldn't get 24 hour care in Extra Care and that's what the OP says she needs. Also, even if she could just about manage there it would be possible she'd just have to move again in future months as her dementia declines.

Original poster

whatsthepointinwasps · 07/03/2021 08:42

Can’t get photos as all homes are locked down, will only be able to get in on the day she moves in. There are virtual tours I could show her though.
I am just more concerned about her reaction tbh

OP posts:

cptartapp · 07/03/2021 08:44

If you wait for someone with Alzheimers/Dementia to agree to a care home you will wait forever. She surely wouldn't want you to put your life on hold and commit more time to sitting with her indefinitely would she?! Think long term. Today is the best she will ever be.

Simply don't tell her. Drop her stuff off beforehand and take her there on the day under the guise of going for a nice meal or coffee and cake. The staff will be used to this. It will feel horrible, but you are putting her needs before her wants.
Look at the Alzheimers forum 'Talking Point' for hundreds of similar stories and support.

baileys6904 · 07/03/2021 08:58

Don't envy you this decision at all. I work with families of those with dementia and the guilt they feel they have to carry is horrendous. The one thing you need to keep remembering is, you are doing this to keep her safe. If you are making the best decision for her health, that trumps anything else in my book.
Yes she may have historically said she didn't want to go in a home, but she likely also didn't realise what was coming. People with dementia need help in eevn the simplest of tasks and care homes, especially good ones are trained to do this and keep them calm and happy as best they can. This allows you to finally get your relationship with your mum back rather than it be one with a caring and chore capacity. Perhaps you can take her out when covid allows, have afternoon teas out, enjoy your time together, and get some rest! You won't have to worry how she is when you're at work, or trying to sleep.
It'll be a tricky transition for both of you, but like I say, it'll keep her safe x

SnarkyBag · 07/03/2021 09:01

Is there enough space in the flat to have live in carer’s? My mum died this for a local lady. The family employ 3 carers who cover a 24 hour rota

SnarkyBag · 07/03/2021 09:01

Does this not died!

Chunkymenrock · 07/03/2021 09:09

It is definitely the best decision and could you say to her that it's only for 3 days to see if she likes it? Keep saying it's only for 3 days just to see? Then it will soon become her new normal. Keep looking ahead OP. It's the only way.

Motnight · 07/03/2021 09:12

A lot of care homes are doing video tours. Many also have lots of photos on their website.

To be fair, not many of us would be happy to move to a place that we have never seen, so I think that a video tour should be offered at the very least. It's really hard Op, good luck.

Original poster

whatsthepointinwasps · 07/03/2021 09:30

No money for 24hr care at home, costs a fortune!
Mum is only funded for 14.5 hours weekly to over the basics and it’s the time when she’s alone that causes her distress and frustration as she can do nothing for herself.
I ran a her care package for 3 years, 14.5 paid for by council and rest paid for by herself but she has a limited income and couldn’t afford all that she needed.
Plus managing the team, their rota, covering absences, handling recruitment and disciplinary procedures, sorting tax and National Insurance contributions and overseeing care whilst working full time was really stressful.
It just got too much in the end so I switched to council run care package. However mum actually needs more than they can do feasibly so after a review it was decided the council would fund her placement in a residential setting.
I know it’s for the best but don’t like to think of her being upset - she herself was a nurse for many years in a care home so she probably has recollections of that and of what’s to come

OP posts:

Original poster

whatsthepointinwasps · 07/03/2021 09:32

The ‘three days’ idea is a good one

OP posts:

ISBN111 · 07/03/2021 09:36

You may have to explain the move to her a few times, so make sure you give yourself time to give her a chance to take it in. She might not react too badly if, like you say she is frustrated and feels unsafe alone.
Focus on the safety aspect, and that homes have a good level of social interaction.

Crumpledmess · 07/03/2021 09:36

We told Dad he was going for a break for a week. After a couple of extensions of a few days to let us get imaginary work done he actually wanted to stay.

BehindMyEyes · 07/03/2021 09:37

@whatsthepointinwasps Having been in your situation ( but without the POA) I had to do this with my mother and it was one of the worst days ever - she did walk willingly out of her house without a look back ( which was sad ) as she did not really have the capacity to understand fully. We had talked about it as a trial . We got her settled in ( myself and brother) and she then started saying she couldn't stay and started to become abusive " you've got me where you want me now, this is what you've always wanted " etc . Because of her condition she did not have the capacity to know what else to do so did stay and became used to it . She was safe and looked after ! No more walking the streets in her nightclothes, stepping out in front of cars etc . Unless you have been in this situation you can have no idea of what it is like or the condition . You have to be the person who looks out for her now . It may be difficult but this is all we can hope for - someone who loves us enough to do those hard things . My mother was only in her mid 60s so it was particularly tragic but as a family we stepped up for her . Good luck OP . You are doing the right thing .

BehindMyEyes · 07/03/2021 09:38

You are very lucky that the council are funding this as usually dementia , Alzheimers etc will not be funded .

billy1966 · 07/03/2021 09:42

Very hard OP.
The three day suggestion is a good one.
Also when you are not having to do jobs for her, you can tell her you will be able to sit with her more.
Take care, this is so difficult.

AChickenCalledDaal · 07/03/2021 09:46

I reckon presenting it as a short term thing initially is probably the way to go. I was lucky in that we had no choice - a broken hip and a stay in hospital led to discharge into a care home, because there was no other feasible option. In Dad's case, it is officially a six week placement to help him recover, but I think it will become permanent. What I would say is that, only two weeks in, I can already see that he looks more relaxed than he has for some time and seems to be settling in. And it's a relief to know he's safe..

Original poster

whatsthepointinwasps · 07/03/2021 09:48

Behindmyeyes

Are you in UK/Scotland? Dementia type conditions very often funded once it has been assessed they cannot safely stay at home alone.
Obviously it depends on the individual’s financial set up- if there is property involved that has to be sold and monies used towards care but once that is used up the local authority will continue on with funding

OP posts:

Original poster

whatsthepointinwasps · 07/03/2021 09:51

I will of course show her the video tour and website photos first.
If there is any out there in a position to offer advice can I ask how much notice you gave?

OP posts:

BehindMyEyes · 07/03/2021 09:52

@whatsthepointinwasps

Behindmyeyes

My Mum was in Scotland and my MIL in England . Both paid . Houses sold to pay fees . Several years ago now though .

pointythings · 07/03/2021 09:56

It's incredibly hard, but you're doing the right thing. My Dsis and I were in this situation with our DM, but without POA. She refused to consent, and legally all we could do was wait for her to deteriorate far enough that she was sectionable (not UK). She fell down the stairs in the family home and broke her neck 4 days before the assessment for section was due to take place and was found by one of her carers. That's the kind of awful end you are preventing here.

Original poster

whatsthepointinwasps · 07/03/2021 09:57

I am grateful for the assistance of the LA with out a doubt. Mum doesn’t have her own home and lives on a pension and Attendance Allowance

OP posts:

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