How do I tell my mum she had to move to a care home?

[whatsthepointinwasps]

My mum has Alzheimer’s, lives alone but has 4 visits a day from a care at home company.
These visits cover basic needs but she now needs 24 hr care as she can do virtually nothing herself.

She herself said she feels ‘useless’ and safer when I’m around but I work full time and apart from spending my days off with her when I do her housework, shopping and laundry I’m not around that much.
She agreed it would be better to be living where there is someone there 24/7 but doesn’t want to leave her flat.
I’m not sure how much of this discussion she took in as she seems to have limited capacity (I have POA) but historically she always said ‘I don’t want to end up in a home’

There is a place locally who can take her next week.....I’m just not sure how to tell her????

Alzheimers patients are deemed to be only needing "personal care " and not "medical care " That is not completely true. My mother started off as 'needing personal care' but as her condition worsened she was deemed to need 'medical care' and became fully funded. It wouldn't have been possible for her to remain at home when she first went in so I think she required more than just personal care but that's how it was until she was re-classified.

Lots of people pay for their own care. Even those without Alzheimers.
Have a stroke and need care? You'll pay. Poor mobility, frailty, falls, osteoporosis, amputation etc etc requiring carers or a care home . You'll pay in all those cases and many more if you're above the threshold. As you should.
If the NHS was to fund everyone's care home place, Alzheimers or not, the system would collapse.
I do agree however that people with cancer do seem to have a lot more access to funded resources. Usually because by the time they are poorly they have limited life left. People can live with Alzheimers for many years. The country just can't afford to fund 24/7 care for those who have thousands sitting in banks or empty property.

Good advice from PhillipPhillop - you must tell her about it beforehand, talk it through with her, show her the website, discuss what they provide but yes make it as a necessity because ..... Help her choose what to take with her, prepare her clothes and linen with nametapes maybe some new toiletries/nightie/slippers/duvet set and a plant to enjoy. Make sure staff known any quirks, what she enjoys etc. Do make sure clothes are machine washable and easy to get on and off. It is not an easy thing especially as you can't settle her in or visit but do not doubt it is the very best thing for her before something horrid happens. If she was capable she would understand why it was necessary for her and you.

@BehindMyEyes

That's not strictly true through. Some people with dementia have a health need- for example dysphagia, weight loss, skin issues due to immobility, contracture, needing skilled intervention if someone is aggressive etc may lead to someone being funded by the NHS. It's not as simple as saying someone with dementia won't be funded. It's not decided by diagnosis, it's decided by needs.

Oh god op I’ve had to do this twice. Both times I said they were going for a little holiday. They obv ended up staying. They get used to it. And even began to enjoy it. My mum loved it, despite the dementia, she was occupied and never lonely.

We were at this stage when things were taken out of our hands. My MIL was was discovered wandering a mile from home in the early hours by a passing police car. They took her to hospital, where she was assessed, and later admitted to a care home for respite. Fortunately when the respite period was finished, the same lovely specialist dementia home had space for her to remain there permanently.

Asking for a respite period is absolutely the way to go. I believe it's even funded in many cases. How you explain it is up to you, but yes, it will probably require a white lie. The carers are on holiday, or work needs doing on her flat. It's hard to have to do that, but it's actually the kindest way.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But your mum will be safer,and happier in the long term, and your life will be far less stressful.

@CaptainMyCaptain

Alzheimers patients are deemed to be only needing "personal care " and not "medical care " That is not completely true. My mother started off as 'needing personal care' but as her condition worsened she was deemed to need 'medical care' and became fully funded. It wouldn't have been possible for her to remain at home when she first went in so I think she required more than just personal care but that's how it was until she was re-classified.

Yes of course there are ongoing home studies done . My own experience with my mother however was that she was deemed not safe to live alone but there was no provision for fees . Our choice was therefore to leave her on her own until she did something dangerous to herself and therefore possibly became eligible or to use her house to pay . We did the latter. This was 20 years ago and the fight for equality is still ongoing . This is Scotland . It is a shocking situation that many of us will find ourselves in .

"People with advanced dementia are more likely to have their health care needs classed as social care needs, compared to many other terminal illnesses, even though one of the key challenges arising from advanced dementia is the increasingly physical nature of the condition, as outlined in our Advanced Dementia Practice Model report. They will almost certainly have difficulties in walking unassisted or even making small movements lying or sitting down. People with advanced dementia are also likely to experience urinary and faecal incontinence, constipation, loss of appetite and pain.

This arbitrary classification of all too many of the needs of advanced dementia as ‘social care’ is due to lack of knowledge of the health care needs of the condition, and due to a lack of a clear definition specifying the point at which a person’s needs escalate to this stage. This is an extremely unfair and unjustifiable situation that must change, so that people with advanced dementia can be treated with equity and fairness. "

Not RTFT so apologies if this has been covered (have skimmed the OPs posts though).

Try and sell it to her in the sense of a respite stay - carers are going on holiday and you have a busy time at work.. so can she stay there for a bit for the care... a week or 2 or so

And then see how she is after settling in to the swing of it; likely she will be glad of the company and regular staff faces

@BehindMyEyes my mother was refusing to eat, doubly incontinent and violent when she went into a care home she was deemed to have 'social needs' even though the hospital consultant didn't think she would live another two weeks. My Dad had to pay towards her care and she actually lived another 18months, she was reassessed during this time but I think the original assessment was wrong.

[quote CaptainMyCaptain]@BehindMyEyes my mother was refusing to eat, doubly incontinent and violent when she went into a care home she was deemed to have 'social needs' even though the hospital consultant didn't think she would live another two weeks. My Dad had to pay towards her care and she actually lived another 18months, she was reassessed during this time but I think the original assessment was wrong.[/quote]
It's so sad when this happens . Little progress has been made in this area . I am part of an Alzheimers Action group (Scottish) and they have been fighting this endlessly for years . Assessments regarding this illness as well are pretty much useless - they are effective only for that time in that day .