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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do i still hold on to the hope that one day i might just be good enough for him?

50 replies

MummyNeedsATimeOut · 07/03/2021 01:52

I have been on/off with my partner for 2 years. He suffers with spouts of depression, during these times he tells me he doesn't want to be with me and says hurtful things. The last time he went through a spout he told me he doesn't find me attractive, he doesn't like my body and I'm a safety net for him, a convenience. It devastated me. I was confident when we met, comfortable with my body - flaws and all. I have caught him on dating websites a handful of times. He said he wants perfection, like the models he follows on instagram. He blames his addiction to dating websites on his depression and promises it won't happen again. Then he makes comments such as he knows his expectations are too high and he knows he will never find anyone who 'fits' in to his lifestyle like i do which again proves to me iam just convenient. He never compliments me or shows me affection. I have worn sexy lingerie, i always make an effort to look nice, make up, i curl my hair, i try to wear classy clothes and he has never once acknowledged my efforts or told me how he feels. I know i will never compare to an instagram model, but I'm not a write off. I'm a size 14 (uk) I have big boobs, a small waist and always told by others i have nice legs. I do have a mum tum but i learned to accept my body until recently. He keeps dropping comments about my weight and again today while we were out with the kids. I feel so beat down now. I know I'm not good enough for him and he is only with me for convenience. I will never be able to trust him because of the damage he has already caused. Our kids have an amazing bond and i look after his children as if they are my own. It took me so long to pick myself up after leaving my childrens dad because he had an affair. I know i can't go on feeling this low and worthless anymore. But why do i feel guilty about wanting to leave him? Why do i keep holding on to hope that one day i might just be enough? Part of me wants to lose weight and look fit for summer to impress him but the other part of me says i should know my worth already and not change for anyone but myself. Thankyou for reading 💙

OP posts:
CatChant · 07/03/2021 01:57

Run.

He's horrible, he doesn't deserve you and he makes you unhappy.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2021 01:58

This man is a fucking arsehole. Do the Freedom Peogramme as soon as humanly possible and dump this twat. Think about what's best for your kids, and it's not having him in their lives.

seensome · 07/03/2021 02:16

He's using his depression as an excuse to treat you appallingly and to keep to hanging on. He's kicked your self confidence so low, I'm afraid leaving him is the only way to get it back, I know that may seem a dark and scary place to end it but coming out the other side you will be much happier, do it for yourself and your DC to be a strong independent woman who loves herself.
He won't change his personality don't hold out hope.

MissEyelesbarrow · 07/03/2021 02:20

Set him free to find his Instagram model before he destroys your self esteem even further. Then absolutely the freedom programme.

I felt very sad reading your OP, it was like you were trying to justify why you're "not so bad really". Fact is this man is an utter arsehole and doesn't deserve another moment in your company. You will be setting far healthier relationship models for your children by sending him packing.

SquizzaMama · 07/03/2021 02:37

You are amazing and you deserve better!!! Please make a plan to leave...hugs xx

BlueThistles · 07/03/2021 02:40

I feel utter despair reading this OP... why are you allowing this horrible cruel manipulative man use his illness as an excuse to bully control and bear you ..

please end this 🌺

BlueThistles · 07/03/2021 02:41
  • belittle you 🌺
QueenOfPain · 07/03/2021 02:43

Oh my god, get some self respect! No man is a prize. You shouldn’t have to constantly grapple for his approval.

This is doormat behaviour, you are better than this. He’s fucking trash, absolute scum of the earth.

GeeBranzi · 07/03/2021 03:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

QueenOfPain · 07/03/2021 04:17

@GeeBranzi That’s not true?

PurpleMustang · 07/03/2021 08:28

Oh wow. Please, please put yourself and your kids first. Why are you worried about being enough for him. Concentrate on if he is good enough for you. ps he isn't

category12 · 07/03/2021 08:31

He's not good enough for you.

Ruminating2020 · 07/03/2021 08:35

Don't let his depression be an excuse to treat you badly.

He's not good enough for you. You don't need to prove you're good enough for him or change yourself to please a man.

Leave him and this time, make it permanent.

Dery · 07/03/2021 08:35

OP - you’re asking the wrong question. This isn’t about being good enough for him. Better questions would be “is he good enough for me?” (no); “why am I staying with someone who makes me feel not good enough?”; “what have I learnt about relationships that keeps me with this man and how do I unlearn it ASAP?”.

A relationship should bring you joy and security; it should be mutually supportive and life-affirming. This man can’t give you that. Don’t let him drag you down any further.

Scoobygang7 · 07/03/2021 08:39

I agree with pp. He isn't good enough for you. He'd also have a massive shock as pretty much all insta models don't look like they do in their photos. They're edited beyond just a filter. The sub on reddit Instagram reality has opened my eyes to how heavily edited they can be.

category12 · 07/03/2021 08:40

@Dery

OP - you’re asking the wrong question. This isn’t about being good enough for him. Better questions would be “is he good enough for me?” (no); “why am I staying with someone who makes me feel not good enough?”; “what have I learnt about relationships that keeps me with this man and how do I unlearn it ASAP?”.

A relationship should bring you joy and security; it should be mutually supportive and life-affirming. This man can’t give you that. Don’t let him drag you down any further.

All this.
Ldnmum7 · 07/03/2021 08:42

Have some self respect and get rid of him. Show him the door now. Far better to be on your own than with someone who treats you like that. Has he got 'instagram model' looks?! I doubt it...

Peace43 · 07/03/2021 08:55

He should be justifying why he is good enough for you not the other way around. This utter bastard has to go. Find someone worthy of you!

Saltedhero · 07/03/2021 08:57

He's a nasty tosser, tell him you'd like a good looking model Man too! Get rid of him he's cruel you were confident before.

CluelessnotShoeless · 07/03/2021 09:03

You deserve better. If a friend told you about a similar relationship you’d advise them to end it. Everyone deserves better than he is treating you. Do you think you can go no-contact with him, even for a short time? It may give you some clarity.

LondonernotinLondon · 07/03/2021 09:07

Omg these awful men but tbh why are you putting up with this????? Surely you know this behaviour isn't right?

Fortunefavours1 · 07/03/2021 09:31

I echo what everyone's said.

Also

Your CHILDREN don't deserve to see their mother treated like this. What damaging lessons about relationships will they learn seeing this dynamic? They will repeat in their adult relationships what they witness now.

Marineboy67 · 07/03/2021 09:31

Horrible twats has just slowly ground you down. He might fancy the perceived perfection he sees in these models but they wouldn't take a second look at him. Get rid of the asshole and find someone that will love you for being you. There's nothing wrong with you apart from him.

4amWitchingHour · 07/03/2021 09:36

@Dery

OP - you’re asking the wrong question. This isn’t about being good enough for him. Better questions would be “is he good enough for me?” (no); “why am I staying with someone who makes me feel not good enough?”; “what have I learnt about relationships that keeps me with this man and how do I unlearn it ASAP?”.

A relationship should bring you joy and security; it should be mutually supportive and life-affirming. This man can’t give you that. Don’t let him drag you down any further.

Absolutely this.

Also - Instagram models? Is he 14?? Perfection? He's chasing something that doesn't exist. More fool him for not valuing the lovely person (you) in front of him.

Alonelonelyloner · 07/03/2021 09:47

Oh how awful.

Tell him you're leaving and that you are too good for him. Tell him that if he's wanting perfection then he should start perfecting himself first. He has a long way to go!!

You deserve so much more and he is using his mental ill health as an excuse to emotionally abuse and degrade you. You sound lovely. Your kids (and his) deserve to see women, most especially their most important woman you, treated well.

Leave!

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