Why do i still hold on to the hope that one day i might just be good enough for him?

[MummyNeedsATimeOut]

I have been on/off with my partner for 2 years. He suffers with spouts of depression, during these times he tells me he doesn't want to be with me and says hurtful things. The last time he went through a spout he told me he doesn't find me attractive, he doesn't like my body and I'm a safety net for him, a convenience. It devastated me. I was confident when we met, comfortable with my body - flaws and all. I have caught him on dating websites a handful of times. He said he wants perfection, like the models he follows on instagram. He blames his addiction to dating websites on his depression and promises it won't happen again. Then he makes comments such as he knows his expectations are too high and he knows he will never find anyone who 'fits' in to his lifestyle like i do which again proves to me iam just convenient. He never compliments me or shows me affection. I have worn sexy lingerie, i always make an effort to look nice, make up, i curl my hair, i try to wear classy clothes and he has never once acknowledged my efforts or told me how he feels. I know i will never compare to an instagram model, but I'm not a write off. I'm a size 14 (uk) I have big boobs, a small waist and always told by others i have nice legs. I do have a mum tum but i learned to accept my body until recently. He keeps dropping comments about my weight and again today while we were out with the kids. I feel so beat down now. I know I'm not good enough for him and he is only with me for convenience. I will never be able to trust him because of the damage he has already caused. Our kids have an amazing bond and i look after his children as if they are my own. It took me so long to pick myself up after leaving my childrens dad because he had an affair. I know i can't go on feeling this low and worthless anymore. But why do i feel guilty about wanting to leave him? Why do i keep holding on to hope that one day i might just be enough? Part of me wants to lose weight and look fit for summer to impress him but the other part of me says i should know my worth already and not change for anyone but myself. Thankyou for reading 💙

Also, is he an oil painting himself?

Of course he thinks you're useful to have around. You look after his kids, you're his punching bag, I bet you do EVERYTHING for him. He's abusive. Please get rid. How much does he weigh? You could tell him you've decided to lose weight - him.

As soon as you dump him, he will miraculously decide you are good enough for him after all, don't fall for it.

Urgh he’s seeking “perfection” but I bet he’s a crusty ass twat who looks like a foot. He does realise all these Instagram models are highly edited and don’t look like that in real life right?

Do you want this horrible specimen saying things like that around your children? They’re going to grow up having body issues because of it.

Leave.

What a jerk! He has been insufferably rude and hurtful to you. Doesn't find you attractive but you're a "convenience ". How insulting! The only good thing is he's been honest so you can decide to act on it.

You sound gorgeous- others have told you so. Lots of men will be happy to date you.

He wants a perfect girlfriend does he? Well firstly no ones perfect. I bet he would pick holes in anyone. Plus everyone gets older (and usually fatter) so "perfection" isn't a permanent state. Secondly why would an Insta model be interested in a twat like him? I bet he isn't "perfect" looking and on top of that his personality stinks.

Good grief, tell him to fuck the fuck off, and when he gets there to fuck off some more. How dare he belittle you and treat you as something he’s scraped off the sole of his shoe. This relationship is damaging your mental health and well-being. Depression is not an excuse to be an arsehole. It is not an excuse to be a rotten piece of shit to other people and it is certainly not an excuse to be a cruel, cheating, assclown. Do not let your child grow up around a man who talks to women like this. You will never be ‘good enough’ for him. You are already far too good for him.

Why? Well it's because you aren't seeing that you ARE good enough. He's knocked your confidence so much, you can't see that you're good enough how you are. But I think deep down, you do know it. That's why you're asking questions. You just need to get to the point where you are asking is he good enough for you...because I'm pretty certain you'll realise that the answer is a big NO.

So to him perfection is purely physical/aesthetic? He's not looking for a connection, things in common, sense of humour, personality or shared morals, dreams or ambitions? So he's completely shallow! Not capable of interested in a relationship with any depth, doesn't want a partner he can talk to, laugh with, face life's challenges with, just so long as she looks 'perfect'. And you think you're not good enough for him???!!!

Come on OP, don't get sucked into his warped view that everything is about looks, you know there's more to a relationship than that and that the fact that he doesn't means he is not good enough for you. I'd end it, telling him he just can't offer the depth you're looking for in a relationship so you're off to find someone who can, let him worry about not being good enough for once. You do need to get out of this relationship though, he will destroy your self esteem completely and you will still wake up one day and realise everything I've said is true, he will always be shallow and you will always be a million times too good for him

He said he wants perfection, like the models he follows on instagram

I take it he's as perfect as an Instagram model, then?

You need to check yourself and ask yourself why you even find this attractive, because I honestly vomited a little in my mouth at this line.

Omg op he's a horrible man, get rid of him x

Haha, who the fuck does he think he is? He sounds like a total wet weekend - depressed and just can't control the pull of a dating site? Gets his kicks from bullying a woman in front of his and her children.

Kick him to the curb and laugh while you do it. He's such a weak, pathetic scumbag.

(Also, your kids do not have a "bond" and you're not like a mother to his kids, forget them - these are just fantasies in your head)

He sounds like a complete drain on your confidence and joy in life.

Are you scared of being single? If I were you I’d end this horrible relationship and concentrate on making yourself happy and doing some work on yourself to understand why you have accepted such shit treatment from men.

You deserve so much better.

He isn’t good enough for you
He’s not kind
He tries to undermine your confidence

I don't know what he looks like, but I'm sure he isn't exactly an Adonis himself. As for on the inside, he is as ugly as hell.

Get rid of him, he's just awful.

Thank God you don't live with him so it is easier to not let him in. Over 20 years ago I had a DP with depression, when he was depressed he would go home and call me a week later when he wanted to meet. No drama or making me feel shit.

Wow op

Talk about a viscous cycle
You hate yourself because he says you should

He's your own personal Spanish Inquisition isn't he
You feel shit about yourself so you climb right on to that rack and take your punishment

Give it enough time and your kids can lay next to you and take their punishment too

Harsh ? Probably true absolutely
But I'm hoping my words might garner a little anger for you to at least react

Even if it's only for you to tell me to go f**k myself

@category12

He's not good enough for you.

This!

Simple really.

Tell him today.

He needs bringing down a peg or two.

Tell him he has zero personality, is boring you and is shit in bed. Then dump. Buh-bye

I have no idea why you would feel guilty about leaving him. I have no idea why you ever saw him again the first time he told you you weren’t attractive and that he wanted perfection.

he has worn you down to the point where you feel worthless right ?

so ask yourself this.... why does He stay if your such a failure... ?

Because NOBODY else would believe his crap is why ....

You are tenfold better than Him and there is so much better waiting for you out there OP ... you ARE worthy of more than his crumbs 🌺

Thankyou to each and every person who has taken the time to respond to my post. Believe me when I say I have read and re-read every reply and i acknowledge each one, the compassionate ones, the tough love ones - i needed a dose from all angles.
I know what i need to do and why. I have known deep down for quite some time. The fact is i struggle to deal with guilt. CBT sessions made me realise this is a deep routed issue from childhood. I was emotionally manipulated to not speak out about the physical and mental abuse I suffered my entire childhood. Although I acknowledge my partner is using depression as an excuse for his behaviour and also to his advantage by getting me to stay with him, learning to deal with emotional blackmail/manipulation is an on-going process for me but I do recognise it. I suppose I felt/feel like an awful person for walking away from someone who is suffering but again, i absolutely recognise he is using it against me and it is not right.
I suffered with depression after the relationship with my childrens dad ended due to his affair. I was in a dark place mentally for a long time but I would never have broken someones spirit in that time - or ever, that is not in my nature at all. I know its not a reason or an excuse to treat me the way he is. I deserve better and I want better for myself. I want to be loved and valued for everything that iam.
I also feel guilty for his children. Their mum walked out on them for a different lifestyle and she chooses not to play a part in their life. I do care and look after them as if they are my own and they adore me too. They enjoy having me and my children around and we have made many happy memories together. He knows this is a weak spot and the last time i tried to walk away he said how much it would devastate them and how they have found in me what they miss from their mum. He then went on to say being a single dad is not an ideal dating factor, once again making me feel like a convenience, a safe option.
However after reading the responses, I have got the reassurance I was deep down looking for. I'm not an awful person for putting my mental health and happiness first. I also prioritise my children's happiness and well being above anything including my own which is how i found the strength to leave their dad. The guilt here is his to bare, not mine. Your responses have helped me accept that and Iam ready to pick myself up and walk away. Thankyou 💙

You're doing the right thing. No matter how hard it is you are worth more. You deserve to be happy, you're children deserve a happy mum.

I cannot even begin to imagine why you are giving this man house room or brain space. Move on.

'I want to be loved and valued for everything that iam'.

I say this with kindness but first and foremost you need to love and value yourself. That means not tolerating anything that makes you doubt yourself as a person or makes you question your self worth .

You deserve much better.

There's a whole bunch of women here rooting for you

Tell him to fuck right off. How dare he. Bet he’s not oil painting

I'm not an awful person for putting my mental health and happiness first

Healthy people put their own needs first, in order that they are best placed to support others.

Selfish people put their own needs first and think no further.

It's not about choosing between your needs or those of others. In loving relationships, everybody's needs get met. Nobody has to sacrifice their own for the sake of another's. If you have a relationship/friendship/whatever where you can't meet the other person's needs without sacrificing your own, you have an unhealthy relationship, and you need to leave.