My daughter has NPD, with traits of EUPD - and, although obviously not a partner but a child, I can tell you that living with someone like this... well, it doesn't get any better.
Is your husband taking medication following his diagnosis - or is he like so many who refuse to believe there's actually anything wrong with them, and subsequently don't take their meds either at all, or regularly? My daughter truly believes that I "am in league" with her GP and her psychologist... that I convinced them to drug her "unnecessarily" because I want to control her. The amount of research into the illness (and it is a MH illness at the end of the day) I did following her diagnosis, and the support group I attend has taught me that this refusal to accept, or believe they're ill is horrifically common. So they don't take their meds properly and as XDownwith says, their balance is altered and they become impossible and/or dangerous to be around.
Yes. Dangerous. Your husband sounds very like my daughter (if you want to know what she did to her brother and myself, feel free to search my threads on here - MN proved itself an invaluble place of support and advice for me 5 years ago) and you've already mentioned how the gaslighting and, I expect, his paranoia is affecting your mental health. I was the same. But because she's my child, and I love her... I put up with it. Walked on eggshells every moment of the day/night she was in the house. Stood between her and her younger brother until he got older and taller and held his own (perfect) boundaries. Lockdown ensured that she had me in the perfect position to coerce and control, and she did her utmost to isolate me from my friends, even online (she failed on that one). She brought me to my knees, both physically and mentally - then turned around, every time and... yep... blamed me for her actions and cruelty. Nothing is ever their fault, you see - always someone else's, and usually ours.
It took a while, but I eventually changed the locks on her before Christmas. Her threats to kill me, or physically assault me simply got too much - and my son (whom she had no issue with screaming this in front of) turned around and threatened to hurt her if she went anywhere near me. He's 16. She's very good at playing the victim card (the tears, and the "they haaaaaate me" sobs, y'know?). She flounced out, my best friend's husband came round and helped my son to change the locks on all of the doors. Apart from one visit to the doorstep where she alternated between violence and verbal abuse, to tears and wailing about how I apparently hate her (I don't), I've not seen her since. My son has seen her once, supervised by my mother, to ask her to accept responsibility for the animals she brought into our home and abandoned - which she refused to do, so I figure they're probably ours now - but he came back fuming because of her stance that she's the victim in all of this. He was there. He knows exactly what happened and what was said - but she's twisted it all around to the point where she truly believes her own rewritten version of it (apparently I was the one threatening her).
If you're being threatened, gaslit, verbally abused, or even physically afraid of your husband, SchmooobyDoo - you have to walk away. Now. Before it escalates to a point where you could end up being badly hurt, or even killed. Your husband needs to accept respnsibility for his own actions/thoughts/mental health - and unfortunately, statistically, that's not something people with PDs often do.
