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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling so guilty

41 replies

xsher · 06/03/2021 13:23

Before I start this thread, where I live there are currently no covid restrictions so I'm not breaking any rules. I'm feeling absolutely awful so please be nice Sad

So my best friend of 15 years slept with a boy last year after a night out. We both know the boy and after sleeping together she became a bit obsessed with him but he wasn't interested in her and just saw it as a one night stand.

Last night I went to a small gathering at a friends house and this boy was there. After getting far too drunk me and him ended up sleeping together. Afterwards we both agreed not to say anything and to just forget about it.

But now I am feeling absolutely awful, I honestly can't stop thinking about it and I feel like the worst person in the world. I know my friend would be absolutely devastated if she knew about this which is just making me feel so so bad. I feel as though I can't function because the guilt is eating me up I really really regret thisSad

I was just looking for advice and to see if anyone had any similar experiences? I love my friend to pieces and actually can't believe that I even did this I feel ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
WinoLino · 06/03/2021 13:26

We all make mistakes and nobody is just a good or bad person. We are complicated and messy. I think in terms of harm caused, your guilt will cause you more harm than anything else, including the hurt your friend would feel if she found out. Try to forgive yourself, I know it will be hard. Would you feel better telling your friend do you think?

Original poster
xsher · 06/03/2021 13:30

@WinoLino thank you so much. I really don't know, I don't know if I could bring myself to actually tell her and I know how hurt she would be. Even though it was nothing serious between them I know that she became quite attached to him after they slept together. I just feel like the worst person in the world.

OP posts:
WinoLino · 06/03/2021 13:37

I know you do but you are not a bad person, if you weren't kind and caring then you wouldn't be this upset about it. You have to try and find a way to forgive yourself otherwise you will drive yourself mad/ill.

We all make mistakes and those who say they haven't are lying. This was a mistake. Thanks

Sleepingdogs12 · 06/03/2021 13:49

The issue is if she finds out from someone else which she might react worse to than if you just tell her. You just have to hope she sees it for what it is and can move on in friendship with you. You've not really done anything wrong, it is your private life but I doubt she will separate this out from her own feelings.

Original poster
xsher · 06/03/2021 13:52

@WinoLino thank you so much your so kind x

OP posts:
Original poster
xsher · 06/03/2021 13:54

@Sleepingdogs12 she definitely won't find out from someone else as the only people that know are me and him and I know he's not the type to tell anyone not even his friends. But I do agree with you it would be worse coming from someone else. I just really don't want to hurt her over something that was absolutely meaningless x

OP posts:
WinoLino · 06/03/2021 13:57

I think you need to try and move on and forget it. Easier said than done I know. Distraction is key

Wanderlusto · 06/03/2021 13:59

I wouldn't say anything. You feel bad, that's enough. If you were planning on dating him it would make you a super turbo charged shitty person. But a one night stand isn't a big deal.

Just let people gossip, deny deny deny.
If she does ask, you fell asleep next to him but nothing happened.

Sleepingdogs12 · 06/03/2021 14:25

In that case don't say anything then , it is your private life and she isn't in a relationship with him. Put it behind you..if you say something it will be to make yourself feel better rather than for her benefit. So let it go .

Original poster
xsher · 06/03/2021 15:01

Thanks everyone. If it was an ex boyfriend of hers I would definitely have to tell but because it was just someone she slept with before I don't feel like it would do any good to tell her apart from upset her and potentially ruin our friendship. I have so much regret I feel sick

OP posts:
Original poster
xsher · 07/03/2021 10:44

@Wanderlusto thank you. I do agree, a one night stand is not a big deal if it were anyone else I would have moved on and wouldn't even be thinking about it right now I just feel like I've done something terrible. Definitely no more drinking for me from now on haha x

OP posts:
twelveblackboots · 07/03/2021 13:46

You’ve done nothing wrong

Original poster
xsher · 07/03/2021 14:41

@twelveblackboots thank you. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, I just feel like an awful friend

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 07/03/2021 16:39

Well it is a bit shitty but provided it was harmless fun and a one off it's really not that big of a deal.
The drinking is not an excuse but I dont feel that you need an excuse for it.

But defo make sure you block him on everything incase he thinks he can come looking around again. A drunken fumble is a bit of a 'oops, sorry, what am I like?' xD thing but continuing contact or dating ect... is what would make you a dick.

Original poster
xsher · 07/03/2021 17:20

@Wanderlusto yes definitely! I would never get talking to him or do anything like that, if he messaged me I would never reply.

The only reason I did it is because I was extremely drunk and thinking of it now I feel completely repulsed by it all (I know that sounds harsh but its true)

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 07/03/2021 17:22

Oh dear. Maybe make a point of not drinking much in future at parties I future. Chalk this one up to 'shit happens'.

Candidly · 07/03/2021 21:56

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Original poster
xsher · 07/03/2021 22:23

@Candidly thanks for your reply, I'm accepting of all opinions because I agree with you, I feel like a horrible person. I'm usually so loyal to my friends I would never even look at a boy my friend had even spoken to, so this was very out of character for me and I do feel awful about it.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/03/2021 22:28

How old are you all?

Look shit happens. Drunken shit happens even more. Is she still hung up on him?

Don't say a thing. Avoid him from now on and be careful with your drinking. Feeling like this is not worth it.

Original poster
xsher · 07/03/2021 22:38

@AccidentallyOnPurpose we are 24. And no she isn't anymore she's seeing someone else now.

Thank you, I definitely will be avoiding him its put me off ever drinking again I didn't think I would ever make a mistake this big

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 07/03/2021 22:47

I think you need to forgive yourself OP. You didn't do anything wrong (he wasn't her boyfriend) so it's fine. It wasn't a wise move but I say that because now you're all eaten up with self-loathing and guilt, which you wouldn't have been if you hadn't slept with him.

As I see it, your options are: (1) Forgive yourself, and never tell her. She won't find out and he wasn't hers anyway.

(2) Confess to her and get it off your chest. You might find this cathartic as it sounds from your post that you want and feel you deserve some shit for this! Really though, you'd be upsetting her for your own selfish purposes.

So what do you think you're going to do? Maybe take a few days to decide, it might not feel so bad or urgent in a few days time. Also remember you were drunk last night so you are at peak guilt-and-shame-hangxiety now. You will be feeling super paranoid 1 day after a drinking binge so maybe sit and wait for a bit.

category12 · 07/03/2021 22:57

Part of how bad you are feeling is the "beer fear".

Don't make any rash decisions about what you're going to do or say while your brain chemistry is all fucked up.

Wait a couple of days and then decide if you're going to tell.

Jesskir89 · 07/03/2021 23:22

I wouldn't tell her

Jesskir89 · 07/03/2021 23:23

Sorry hadnt finished. In this case I think what she doesn't know won't hurt her applies. If you tell her you would just be easing your guilt. If you had slept with her bf I would say tell her but you didn't. Hes single, you're single, you had fun and noone needs to know as you did nothing wrong

BlueThistles · 07/03/2021 23:36

How does your 'friend' feel about this guy... after 1 year ... is she still hankering after him or is she over it ?

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