Opinions please - what would you do?

[Flumpinblues]

Long term marriage. Husband was a great stay at home Dad when the DC were small, they are now in school. His relationship with our youngest is incredibly strained - he calls her names and delegates all parenting of her to me. This would be fine - but he doesn’t work. So I also work FT, take care of finances, plans, most of the cooking and decorating (he does DIY and 50% housework). He is depressed but won’t see a doctor or therapist. Says he is embarrassed about not working, buries his head in the sand, and has applied for less than 10 jobs since December. Says is petrified of C-19 so it’s not safe to get a job (it is safe for me to leave the house for work though). We are currently really struggling financially - I’m trying to earn more, but this pulls me away from the DC, in particular the youngest (see above). Financials cut to the bone, everything that isn’t essential gone. I am working myself into the ground to keep us afloat. DH also has no pension and is 5 years off retirement. He has never had any plans or dreams. Relationship wise I have no respect for him and find it very difficult to be intimate. He regularly calls me names (the c word) in front of the children, will do some nice things occasionally like make me a cup of tea but I can’t remember the last time I had a card/flowers/birthday present or Christmas present (he says he has no money). We are also very different - he is cynical, political and likes solo pursuits. I am sociable and community minded, I volunteer and am a trustee of a charity.

So - if you were me, what would you do?

Well, if that's best behaviour, he certainly didn't try to put on an act for the relate counsellor! Individual counselling may not help your marriage but it will help you at least, OP. Wishing you strength to see this through

Thanks @NovemberR and @pickingdaisies. Forgive me for keeping posting, I’m finding it useful when I’m wobbly. Which is a lot of the time! I worry that I’m not going to be strong enough to see this through, mainly because he won’t entertain an amicable separation and is threatening to move 500 miles back to him home town if we separate, which means the DC will loose their Dad completely. I know this is blackmail 😰

Let him. That's his choice.

Keep posting if it's helping you. People are good at listening and keeping you strong. If he chooses to deliberately estrange himself from his children then that is his loss and it might be the best thing in the long run.

I speak as someone who divorced someone 20 plus years ago when our DC were primary aged and has never regretted it. He has little to do with them as adults, but stayed in the area (being a shit father). I would have much preferred him to have had no contact rather than the shoddy bit he did.

Yeah. I agree with November. Let him. Better for the kids to have one good influence in their lives they can depend on. You sound very self aware, but you are being a bit self critical. You've achieved a lot already. Keep on with your planning in secret, avoid deep discussions with him for the time being, stay matter-of-fact, you have to protect yourself here. You are mentally preparing for the prospect of splitting up, but while you have to share a house, and go through counselling, it's best if he doesn't know that. Keep on posting as long as you need to.

Being called the c word in front of your children..I'd kick his sorry arse out! Vile

Use your individual counseling to increase your resolve. As I understand it counseling isn't there to save marriages but to help give people insight into what is happening. It's crystal clear what is happening in this marriage and it needs ending. Good luck!

Keep posting as much as you want to

He’s just trying to manipulate you
Have you spoken to a solicitor?

IMO, also, separations are never amicable when there has been an abusive relationship like yours.

You are not an intelligent, pleasant, polite couple who have grown apart into just 'friendship' and jointly decided it is for the best to separate and co-parent on a reasonable basis.

(I don't mean you aren't intelligent or pleasant, btw. Just the situation).

It won't be an amicable split, however you do it. He called you a C* and he calls his DD names. He is cynical, nasty and emotionally abusive. It is only possible to split amicably with a well adjusted adult who is also prepared to put their children first.

He's not.