Opinions please - what would you do?

[Flumpinblues]

Long term marriage. Husband was a great stay at home Dad when the DC were small, they are now in school. His relationship with our youngest is incredibly strained - he calls her names and delegates all parenting of her to me. This would be fine - but he doesn’t work. So I also work FT, take care of finances, plans, most of the cooking and decorating (he does DIY and 50% housework). He is depressed but won’t see a doctor or therapist. Says he is embarrassed about not working, buries his head in the sand, and has applied for less than 10 jobs since December. Says is petrified of C-19 so it’s not safe to get a job (it is safe for me to leave the house for work though). We are currently really struggling financially - I’m trying to earn more, but this pulls me away from the DC, in particular the youngest (see above). Financials cut to the bone, everything that isn’t essential gone. I am working myself into the ground to keep us afloat. DH also has no pension and is 5 years off retirement. He has never had any plans or dreams. Relationship wise I have no respect for him and find it very difficult to be intimate. He regularly calls me names (the c word) in front of the children, will do some nice things occasionally like make me a cup of tea but I can’t remember the last time I had a card/flowers/birthday present or Christmas present (he says he has no money). We are also very different - he is cynical, political and likes solo pursuits. I am sociable and community minded, I volunteer and am a trustee of a charity.

So - if you were me, what would you do?

Hi @MissSmiley I have another 20 years before retirement. Thanks for your kind words. I’m terrified of breaking up the family unit but we don’t really have a unit to break up. It’s more like the DC and I - with H occasionally around either grumpy or very occasionally not. I’ve started keeping a record of what I/we do every day just to show myself in black and white that I’m not going mad!

@Flumpinblues Its great that you are a lot younger as it means you have time to build up your pension and can afford a mortgage for many years.

The asset split doesn't hsve to be 50/50.
I would start off asking for 70/30 but would accept 60/40.
If he has no money, doesnt work abd doesnt want the kids why should he get 50/50.
Its not even thst he was a SAHD to profress your career but more because he didnt have a job/keep a job so no financial security for you all.

Have you got a plan of action to leave?
What ducks do you need to get in a row before you can tell him?

No, don't leave, kick him out! If my DH ever called me that, it would be over. That's even before I thought about him calling the kids names and being a lazy selfpitying toad. He deserves to be kicked out for that too.

You need some independent financial and legal advice, that will help you to see the way forward a bit more clearly.

@category12

You need to leave him for your dc's sake.

Verbally abusing your youngest and refusing to engage with her is incredibly damaging and abusive.
Verbally abusing you in front of them is also abusive.

What kind of relationships do you want your dc to have in future? Would you be happy for them to recreate what they're growing up with?

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. Show them that this is no way to live, show them that you will protect them for abuse and neglect.

This with bells on! 👏

Kick him the fuck out! So sorry you’re going through this x

Based on him calling your child names and calling you names I’d be leaving.
The other stuff could probably be worked out but the relationship with his child and his reaction to it is just too far

@category12

You need to leave him for your dc's sake.

Verbally abusing your youngest and refusing to engage with her is incredibly damaging and abusive.
Verbally abusing you in front of them is also abusive.

What kind of relationships do you want your dc to have in future? Would you be happy for them to recreate what they're growing up with?

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. Show them that this is no way to live, show them that you will protect them for abuse and neglect.

This. Your children are currently living in an abusive home.

Anyone who verbally abused my children and called me a cunt would be out the door. Not to mention the fact he's sponging off you now the dc are back at school.

He isn't necessarily entitled to 50% of everything depending who the dc will live with and a number of other factors. My ex was similar, I offered him a lump sum otherwise he's have had to wait until the dc left school and I retired, less the 50%, he was so greedy he took it.

You've twenty years to retirement, so you have plenty of time to recoup and rebuild even if he does take a chunk out of your finances now. Stay and you waste more years of your life being treated like crap and teaching your daughter that being verbally abused and rejected by her father is fine with you, no matter the lasting damage this causes her in her present and future.

I’m glad you’re getting legal advice, don’t look at it as breaking up a family unit , look at it as providing your children with a loving, emotionally stable life.

Thank you all especially @AttilaTheMeerkat who has it spot on, @Elieza the same and @OverweightPidgeon that is a better way to think about it. I’ve asked him to leave this evening. It’s heartbreaking. I never thought I would be in this situation but it has gone too far. Apparently he “gets no respect” from any of us. I am feeling very wobbly but have told him I’ll put savings in his account and I’ve found him an Airbnb which he said he has messaged to go there from tomorrow. What have I done 😰

What you have done is taken back control and asserted some boundaries.
Yes its scary but its 100% the right thing to do.

Maybe write down some of the stuff he has put you through so on days when you think he wasnt that bad you can read it and remember.
Our brains shut out the bad stuff quickly and thats why women stay in the same situation.

Please keep posting and we will support you.

What have you done? Removed an abusive, lazy dementor from yours and your children's home. Hurrah! He openly calls you a c* and name calls your DD and has the brass neck to say he gets no respect?! Please stay strong and make sure he leaves, if not for your sake for your children's.

He gets no respect?
Tell him that respect is earned, not a given.

Btw flumpinblues Dont forget that once he lives separately to you - he can claim universal credit. As long as his saving do not exceed 16k .

Universal credit will also cover a reasonable rent. On the same basis while you are sorting out the divorce.

Posted too soon ...

However in order to be eligible for financial help he must either agree to look for work and will be helped/hassled regularly by the Jobcentre or be unfit for work in which case he will need to see a Doctor for a med cert. Either way it may well force his hand in one direction or the other .

You’ve done the right thing. Take a deep breath and work out how you want to proceed.

If you think there may be a future you could ‘date’ him again when lockdown finishes. I think however you will quickly find out whatever you once saw in him is dead and buried.

Keep following the legal advice you have been given.

Work out if you want to keep the house and buy him out, or sell and split the money.

He needs to take responsibility for himself now too. To get an income whether it’s a job or benefits.

Where is he planning on seeing dc? If at your make sure youve hidden any documents you may need for you or dc so he can’t take them.

You’ve done the right thing op. He’s a free loader.
It would be great if he went to view air b and bs and left permanently.
He may not go easily but I will cross my legs for you.
He is abusing you and your daughter. He brings nothing to the relationship.
Good luck.

Well a quick update - he still hasn’t gone - not a single Airbnb taking bookings near us due to
COVID. He has however got an interview next week. And done some odd job load work this week. Strange how this can happen so quickly....I feel this will be short lived. I’ve booked relate as well - at least to be able to communicate during whatever is to come. And still going ahead with my secret legal and financial plans. What a mess....things are calmer at home at least.

It's not a mess, OP, it's getting simpler because you are seeing the light (at the end of the tunnel) and creating a better life for your family.

So sorry you are having to go through this, but it's the right thing for you and dc. Now he knows you mean it, he'll probably make some half hearted attempts for a while, then revert to his old ways and hope you haven't noticed. You'll have to stay determined for this one.

Thank you @pog100 and @pickingdaisies. Relate appointment was interesting to say the least! He is still on best behaviour but admitted to having zero relationship with our youngest and struggled to admit he had any part to play in it. He also openly told the counsellor that he was staying in the marriage so that he is looked after in his old age! It was brutal. I’m also realising I have become very controlling in our marriage (partly through necessity and anxiety, but I am certainly not blameless). We have both been referred for individual counselling. Meantime, I cling onto the hope that this will help him change but knowing that in all likelihood it won’t. So very sad. I’ll see the counselling through and continue to plan for a future as a solo parent...😰

His relationship with our youngest is incredibly strained - he calls her names

He regularly calls me names (the c word) in front of the children

I would leave. Genuinely, I would.
This is no life for you or your children.

Apologies Flumpin I didnt see your updates - well done on being so strong.
I hope this is the start of better things for you and your family.

Please don't continue. He's openly said the only reason he's staying is that he expects you to look after him in his old age.

You'll be so much happier without him. As will your dd.