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Original poster

Do his 'reasons' sound OK?

40 replies

YellowHello · 05/03/2021 17:09

I've been seeing a man 18 months, so mostly during covid. We both have primary aged kids, so usually see each other once/twice a week max (support bubbles).

A few months ago we had a disagreement and briefly split, as we had discussed the future on and off for a while, with a view to living together in a year or so. The disagreement was due to finances and me realising he would be unlikely to be able to live together in this timeline, it may take much longer.

We made up and the relationship continued.

Today I asked him about the future, as hadn't discussed for a while. He said that owing to our past disagreement, he is very reluctant to commit to anything and then disappoint me. He said this is because he's currently looking for a new job, trying to sort his finances and so he doesn't know if/when he would be able to live together. I left the discussion at that, I respect that he's answered my question. We also live in different areas and kids in different areas, so lots of logistical issues.

I feel pretty flat though, I'm not sure whether if he was really committed to me he would be saying so, I know he can't magic a solution but he isn't showing enthusiasm to progress things, he just lives in the moment. We enjoy each others company and have fun and feel happy when we see each other, he always thanks me for a 'brilliant' time etc, there is just no vision for the future. I can't imagine him cheating/dumping me, the current situation seems pretty ideal for him, a girlfriend he can entertain once a week and company/sex.

OP posts:
dudsville · 05/03/2021 17:12

In one paragraph you say he told you he's reluctant to commit, in the next you're wondering if he's reluctant to commit. You need t listen to him and think about whether it fits with what you want - sounds like it doesn't.

TheChip · 05/03/2021 17:15

Yes. Last time you had this discussion it ended up in an argument.
He doesn't want to discuss it and make any promises due to how it went last time. But he reassured you that he is trying to fix the issues that caused the argument to begin with. Once he has done that he will be in a position to look at it properly with you.

Its still early days. You don't need to be discussing living arrangements just yet.

Eckhart · 05/03/2021 17:15

he is very reluctant to commit

He's said it to you. His reasons don't matter. How it makes you feel matters.

If a talk about the future with your partner ends up with him telling you he's reluctant to commit, and you feeling flat as a result, the two of you are not on the same page.

PaleFox · 05/03/2021 17:17

Well, it sounds like he has been honest with you about the future.

You say the current situation seems pretty ideal for him, but it could be good for you too - lots of women who already have children might be happy with this kind of arrangement. But if you're not, if you need something more than this, then that's your choice and he maybe isn't the man for you.

IHaveBackPain · 05/03/2021 17:42

Why are you so eager to live with him when you both have young children?

peak2021 · 05/03/2021 18:09

I think you have found out in good time to know it may just not be a relationship to continue. I think at least he has been honest.

Shoxfordian · 05/03/2021 18:20

He’s told you he can’t give you what you want

Original poster
YellowHello · 05/03/2021 19:07

I agree he's been honest about his current situation. I suppose I've felt a bit insecure that he isn't being more optimistic to me about the future, but maybe that's understandable that he doesn't want me to be upset with him or disappointed if his situation doesn't improve.

In a lot of ways I like the current situation, it works well with young kids. People without kids have commented it's a crap relationship as there's no progression, but I agree with pp that at our stage in family life this may be the best situation.

OP posts:
MrsVogon · 05/03/2021 23:16

Why the rush to move in together? Surely giving more time when you both have young kids would be better. I'd be giving it another few years before contemplating a move together. He is clearly trying to prioritise his finances at the moment and doesn't want to commit at the level you want it, right now. He's being sensible IMO.

PaleFox · 06/03/2021 05:43

Don't listen to people who say it's a crap relationship because you haven't moved in together. That's absolute rubbish! It's a crap relationship if you're not happy, and a good one if you are. Blending young families is a very serious decision. You may well choose to keep things separate (for lots of reasons, not just finances).

gutful · 06/03/2021 05:57

It sounds like you’re trying to pressure this person into committing to you & living with you

& not listening to what is an obvious reluctance to move in together

You both have young kids, moving in together will seriously impact both families

Your need for feeling commitment should not come at the cost of your children’s security & disrupt their home environment

His hesitation should be a big red flag to you that you should stop trying to navigate the relationship towards moving in at all.

your need for feeling like you’re in a committed relationship is clouding your judgement about what a big decision combining two families is - and the likelihood that if you rush it this will all blow up in your face.

Cool your heels & really if you want someone to be able to spend more than One day a week with you why date a fellow single parent? How do you have more than one day free yourself?

Sounds like yet another single parent who looks to the child free as an ideal partner option due to lack of family life responsibilities

Yet expects person they are dating only accept them for their family responsibilities & see you all as a “package deal” but also completely accomodate them by spending all your free time with them & their kids too!

Once a week is not enough for you? Well why don’t you go to his instead? Oh because you have kids & reaponsiblities of course.

So now you feel he should come to you more often & Accomodate you by moving with you because currently his responsibilities prevent him from seeing you more than once a week.

Madness ! Yet single parents wonder why there is a stigma against them. For every reasonable single parent have dated had 3 which would take the piss like this.

He is dating you to be with you. He doesn’t want to combine his family with yours or your kids to all live together.

He may not even like your children - do you even know? Maybe he finds them irritating & is dating you despite them.

Yet you’re trying to make a person you don’t even know likes your kids come & live With them ! But that is ok as long as you get your commitment right?

Accept it or move on.

honeysuckle21 · 06/03/2021 06:46

If you can't a agree on the future together then he's not the right one for you.

Summerhillsquare · 06/03/2021 06:51

Why do you want to live together?

joystir59 · 06/03/2021 06:54

I think far far more women should NOT live with their partners especially when they are bringing up children. OP your relationship sounds great, there is no stress, your finances and accommodation are securely in your control, your children are safe settled and happy, AND you get regularly spend time with someone whose company you enjoy. Why push for more?

overnightangel · 06/03/2021 06:57

He sounds like he’s being honest and reasonable.
You sound like hard work and exhausting

PaleFox · 06/03/2021 07:20

I agree with joystir. If you don't have children (and want them) then I can totally understand why you would want your partner to commit (biological clock etc). But if you have children already, then I think many women have more to lose by moving in with a new partner than men do, because a women will often end up doing more for her step DC than the man does for his (eg in terms of cooking, looking after them etc). I think you have the perfect set up, OP!

gutful · 06/03/2021 07:24

Even the use of quotes as “reasons” in thread title

As though any of their feelings about not wanting to combine households is deemed to be not legitimate until we OK them for OP

Feeling not ready to make that huge decision is Ok & should be respected.

Why would you want to move a man & his kids under the same roof if they have to be cajoled into it?

category12 · 06/03/2021 07:29

It sounds like you're maybe feeling pressured by other people to have a more conventional relationship/do the relationship escalator thing?

It's sensible to take things slowly when you both have kids and live in different areas. Moving in together would disrupt a lot.

But If you don't feel loved and secure, it's worth sitting with those feelings and trying to work out why not. If it's not working for you, then there's nothing wrong with calling it a day.

Original poster
YellowHello · 06/03/2021 07:40

I think the lockdown has made me lonely and I've become more dependent on his company as we are a support bubble.

Thanks for the replies, I can see that overall it sounds like he is being sensible and reasonable and I need to step back a bit with my expectations. I think part of my worry was that he had seemed keen to live together previously but recently has changed his view, I understand his reasons for this though.

@gutful some of your assumptions aren't right, I do go to his, when my kids are with their dad, I tend to make more effort than my boyfriend.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/03/2021 08:03

It may be that you're picking up on signs the relationship is faltering, that he's not as invested.

I tend to think our gut feeling is generally right.

SortingItOut · 06/03/2021 08:18

More and more people nowadays are in relationships but live apart, its even got a name- Living Apart Together.

Living together doesnt mean your relationship is better than someone who doesnt live together.

I actually think its really sensible to live apart while you have children at home, no one wants to move their children and cause upheaval.

If you live in different areas someone has to make all the changes and thats not fair.

I actually think he is being sensible and keeping a seperate home for him and his child.

Slightly concerned that you say you make more effort than him - care to elaborate?

I'm in a relationship of 18months,my partner lives 5 miles away. I've made it clear from day one that I will never live with him, he had the choice to accept it or not, he chose to accept it and actually doesnt want to live with someone until his son is much older.

Our relationship is great, we see each other 3 nights a week and are 100% focused on each other at these times with none of the drudgery of living together.

gutful · 06/03/2021 08:18

Am sorry to have sounded harsh Op

If you are making more effort than him it’s a sign to scale back, not push forward.

you said you only see each other once a week so comments were based off that not being enough contact for you.

BehindMyEyes · 06/03/2021 08:21

I think he is happy with the current situation and has no plans to change it . If you want more then it's not this man . "Not wanting to disappoint you " ? No he's happy as he is .

AgentJohnson · 06/03/2021 09:19

I suppose I've felt a bit insecure that he isn't being more optimistic to me about the future.

You mean building up your hopes and not meeting your expectations, just like last time.

DianaT1969 · 06/03/2021 09:43

Presumably you had the moving in 'we've got a future' stage with your DC's dad. There is no guarantee of future by moving in together and mixing households.
Date him. See him once a week and enjoy it. It gives you time for your DC, career, friends and family too.