Do his 'reasons' sound OK?

[YellowHello]

I've been seeing a man 18 months, so mostly during covid. We both have primary aged kids, so usually see each other once/twice a week max (support bubbles).

A few months ago we had a disagreement and briefly split, as we had discussed the future on and off for a while, with a view to living together in a year or so. The disagreement was due to finances and me realising he would be unlikely to be able to live together in this timeline, it may take much longer.

We made up and the relationship continued.

Today I asked him about the future, as hadn't discussed for a while. He said that owing to our past disagreement, he is very reluctant to commit to anything and then disappoint me. He said this is because he's currently looking for a new job, trying to sort his finances and so he doesn't know if/when he would be able to live together. I left the discussion at that, I respect that he's answered my question. We also live in different areas and kids in different areas, so lots of logistical issues.

I feel pretty flat though, I'm not sure whether if he was really committed to me he would be saying so, I know he can't magic a solution but he isn't showing enthusiasm to progress things, he just lives in the moment. We enjoy each others company and have fun and feel happy when we see each other, he always thanks me for a 'brilliant' time etc, there is just no vision for the future. I can't imagine him cheating/dumping me, the current situation seems pretty ideal for him, a girlfriend he can entertain once a week and company/sex.

In an ideal world, a couple meet and then eventually live together happily ever after. Life isn't always like that. Your first priority is your DC, giving him a stable home. Blending families isn't easy.
See it as a positive - you have a good relationship with your DP and keep your independence. He's just being realistic with you, doesn't mean he can't see a future with you.

If he moved in he is effectively becoming a role model to your dc he just might not be ready for that. 18 months is not that long especially as

Not finished , puppy knocked me 😊. Meant to say especially as we are in a pandemic and there are probably so many family scenarios that's you just haven't been able to take part in to see if all the dc get on well enough to be under the same roof when he has his dc. Just take your time from what I have seen the relationships that rush are the ones that don't work out

@gutful no worries. I've definitely taken the point that so long as he's keeping up communication, we both enjoy our evening a week together then I should just relax. I won't ask him again about the future, it will probably come as a relief to him.

@YellowHello am not sure if you intended this but that post sounds dripping in passive aggressiveness.

Why do you seem so angry he doesn’t want to move in? Neither should you, your kids don’t need someone halfhearted moving in.

Are you sure you should be dating in this nerdy, insecure state?

No doubt he will likely feel relief to not have to engage in an unwanted conversation again yes

Just not sure why you @ me with the passive aggressive tone

No one is telling you to relax about the situation, more that what you have is normal and dont be pressurised by family and friends.

If living together is what you want and you have worked through all the logistics in your head about how it would work then you need to speak to him.

Its no good seething for years because he wont live with you, better to know now if he is a definite no to living together or a one day in the future when the kids are older we will or just one day in the future.

I communicated my thoughts on living together to my boyfriend and have bern very clear on what I want so he knows and can decide for himself whether he wants to be with me.

If your partner is not communicating that is an issue as you have no grounds on which to make a decision to suit you and your family.

OP it sounds like he has a few financial/unemployment uncertainties going on right now? As do a lot of people in these times so that's not a red flag. But it makes sense that until that's resolved he'll be unwilling to commit to a lot of things.

I'm also not getting the sense that you know exactly what you want? It sounds like the plan to move in together is based on that just being the normal next step, and actually if you take a step back you don't really need that for you or your kids? As PP have said a relationship where you both live apart could be good for both of you.

Is it a bit more emotional commitment you want? That doesn't have to be about "progressing the relationship" - you can live in the moment while seeking reassurance from him that it's not just a casual fling, it's a relationship you both take seriously.

@gutful sorry! I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive, I was just thankful for the advice on the thread and you are right, I'm not in a great state because I know I'm feeling quite needy and insecure. I need to work on that.

Honestly I’d wait until after lockdown lifts and see if there is a natural progression and ALSO check what you want then. You may find that your life fills up with social connections again and you don’t actually want/need him in your home and life to that extent. You may want time with your own family and friends and see that actually your young children are better with just you in your home.

I also think that you need to elaborate about his financial issues, that’s more of a concern.

@gannett thanks, I agree that it could be a good situation to live apart, you're right it is more the emotional commitment than I'd like. He's probably retreated a bit because I've asked about living together and future plans at a time that he can't commit to anything.

Tbf in my defense, he does drop in little comments sometimes about 'I might propose' every month or two.

Why is he mentioning proposing when you haven’t even lived together & combined households? The more you mention the less appealing he sounds !

@YellowHello I'm with @gutful - why is he saying he might propose, far too early to even think that and is it to keep you dangling?
Men think women want marriage, if my boyfriend mentioned proposing I'd run a mile and end things 🤣

Are you happy with your day to day life?
A man should enhance your life and not be your life.
Does he add anything to your life?

If you live in different locations, have your DC a chunk of the time and are both prioritising your DC etc so don’t want to move, it seems most likely that living together won’t be on the cards, at all. Sounds like he might’ve initially been dishonest about that?

And possibly ‘future faking’ with the ‘I might propose’ bollocks! Not backed up by any practical options/plans.

We've both been married before and have children, after leaving a very unhealthy marriage I wanted a safe and happy environment for me and my children, I also wanted a partner for me, but not a replacement Dad for the children, We have been together over 10 years and have a brilliant relationship, still live in our own houses, children all grown up , we see each other/stay over a couple of times a week, go on holiday together etc, Some Christmasses we don't spend together , we have elderly parents so it saves choosing (and putting up with inlaws, family habits etc), we also can bring up our won children how we want without conflicting styles of parenting, I think that if you want more and he doesn't, may be you're not on the same page, but otherwise enjoy what you've got, sod what anyone else says or thinks, it's your life