This is unforgivable, right?

[HeidiSchmeidi]

I think this is probably unforgivable but just want to run it by an objective audience. This happened a year ago and my ex is trying to get me to take him back (he has been trying for a year) and I wanted to see if I am crazy for even considering it.

My boyfriend and I were long distance at the time, and I hadn't seen him in three months. His ex started working with him. She is a woman (colleague from another office) who he had a brief relationship with (a few months) and he ended it because she was in love with him and wanted more and he didn't return her feelings.

When she arrived though, she relentlessly chased after him. To the point of propositioning him for sex and telling him if he did it she would never tell me and so on. She started sending him messages and so on about how she still loved him and didn't he miss her (he did tell her to stop and eventually blocked her) but it was quite blatant she was trying to steal my man.

In his defense he did tell her to please leave him alone because he was in a relationship (she didn't respect this request) and he was also completely honest and told me everything at the time and shared any texts with me so I was in the loop.

At the time, pre-pandemic, there were a lot of boozy work nights out almost every weekend, and I know my boyfriend very well and he is one of those people who gets absolutely blotto and does and says crazy things (loves everyone), so I was very uncomfortable with him getting wasted drunk if she was around. Not so much because I thought he would sleep with her, but just because I thought a conversation would start that he would not be in control of and so on.

So we agreed he wouldn't go to events which she was at, or if he did that he'd stay sober. Which he did for three months. Then one day there was an event she wasn't meant to be at, but she showed up to and he was already completely wasted when she got there. He was drunk at this point with no boundaries so he didn't think to leave.

She started hitting on him quite blatantly, and he ended up talking to her for a while. I happened to call him, and he told me where he was and that he'd chatted to her and in his drunk state he didn't see a problem at all with it. He actually got quite belligerent with me "I am an adult I think I can make a judgement".

I was home alone, I'd had a really stressful day and I felt very threatened by how persistently this woman was trying to steal my man and so I asked him to come home and call me. So he did and left five minutes later (it was about 9.30pm). He had been drinking all day on some corporate boat trip and he was absolutely wasted.

We never argued much, but I ended up absolutely raging at him, shouting, and told him I wanted to break up with him. I then blocked him on everything. This might seem an over-reaction, but at the time we were under a lot of strain being separated, and I felt he wasn't doing enough to get this woman to stop chasing after him (maybe his ego enjoyed it a bit) and it was making me feel really uncomfortable.

I'd stress we never had ANY problems with trust before (together two years) but this woman was blatantly gunning for him in the most obvious way and I was worried after so many months apart and her constantly trying to get him alone that something might happen everyone would regret.

Anyway, I did my dumping tantrum, and he (already wasted) decided to go back to the party and carry on drinking because he was upset and said he was on a self-destruct mission. She got him talking, he told her we had split up and cut a long story short he went back to her place and slept with her.

The next day he woke up really horrified but he believed we were genuinely split up so he went home. Later that day I called him to try and patch up our fight and sort things out and he confessed what had happened.

I was absolutely devastated, and told him I could never forgive him. He cried for weeks, tried everything he could to win me back but I just could not get past it.

Here we are over a year later and he is still trying to win me back, I am the love of his life and so on, it was a drunken mistake he made when he felt I'd dumped him.

Any thoughts on this? We do still love each other, but although my behavior was bad on that night I couldn't figure out why a few hours after our breakup he went and had sex with the one woman who had been making me feel unsafe for so long.

Obviously I;ve been very uncomfortable

You sound insanely controlling. I’m surprised he wants to go anywhere near you. Ultimately he slept with her because he wanted to. It doesn’t matter who she was or whether she was flinging herself at him wrapped in gift tags. He shagged her because he wanted to - and of course he was single at the time so it doesn’t really matter. You sound terrible for each other so going by this story you’ll be back together in no time.

He wanted to shag her and he did. End of. He really proved you right, didn't he?

your putting all the problems on her... HE is the problem
move on - no way anyone in the right mind would forgive him!

@okokok000 That was exactly why I was so angry at the time. He said he couldn't block her on his work phone because she had legitimate need to contact him, and I suggested exactly that "tell HR", but he wouldn't do it because he said she would lose her job and she was a vulnerable person and so on because of her history. Basically I felt like he was letting it carry on and he thought ignoring her was the best policy and she'd eventually stop. I really don't think anything was going on behind my back as he had no reason to volunteer anything to me at the time, but I felt like he wasn't stopping it

He sounds a prick, just by the way he gets out of his head drunk. Loathe that in a man

So hold on you have extreme jealousy issues he was already drunk you split up with him he thought fuck it and got more drunk and slept with her then you wanted him back and he told you he slept with her, you then kick off more and block him on everything and he is to blame? Not one bit you fucked up the whole relationship and he deserves better

As Ross says, you were on a break.

Not only a break but your did the breaking up.

He did all the right things but you were upset because he would have found it too embarrasing (who wouldn't?) to tell his boss. Like, 'please rescue me boss from this woman who is after me' cringe cringe!

The relationship is over. Tell him and yourself and block

You. Were. On. A. Break.

Seriously- he loved it. You make him sound like your 15 year old son making excuses for him.
Are you sure it was her doing all the chasing OP ? Even if it was (doubtful), he didn’t run that fast did he ?

Block him & move on, you’ll be back here again otherwise.

[quote HeidiSchmeidi]@okokok000 That was exactly why I was so angry at the time. He said he couldn't block her on his work phone because she had legitimate need to contact him, and I suggested exactly that "tell HR", but he wouldn't do it because he said she would lose her job and she was a vulnerable person and so on because of her history. Basically I felt like he was letting it carry on and he thought ignoring her was the best policy and she'd eventually stop. I really don't think anything was going on behind my back as he had no reason to volunteer anything to me at the time, but I felt like he wasn't stopping it[/quote]
He was jetting her carry on. He could have warned her about HR first before going ahead with his grievance. At least you know he was more worried about her than your relationship, even back then.

Surely then his obvious course of action would have been 'If you contact me again about anything other than work, I'll report you to HR'?

Why are you considering this man who has let you down, @HeidiSchmeidi?

What's wrong with trying other men? Ones who might be respectful of you and your relationship?

Sorry OP, but your entire post is about the blame firmly at her feet and how he couldn't help himself because she relentlessly pursued him.

I don't believe a word of it.

@kitfish I think if I had dumped him and he had gone out and shagged someone else, I would have forgiven him (Ross and Rachel) but he went and shagged the very person I was anxious about, which sort of proved I was right.

I was a bit mean saying she was unattractive. Take it back.

I am honestly the LEAST controlling and jealous person in the world. Never once asked a man to be home or checked up on him, but this situation had gone on for ages, and I felt threatened by it because he wasn't acting tough enough to stop it.

The fact he went and slept with her sort of proves I was right and he was enjoying her attention on some level. We were long distance and I knew he was finding the loneliness hard. I remember at the time being actually physically ill with the anxiety it was causing me and although our relationship was otherwise great, I felt like I shouldn't have to feel like that

@Kitfish

You had dumped him. He wasn't going out with you at the time. Who he sleeps with when he is single is his business alone. How was he to know you were just playing mind games and would decide to get back with him the next day? (Not nice behaviousr IMO but something you seem to have forgiven yourself for pretty quickly). You can't have it both ways. I vote forgive. And don't say things you don't mean in future.

This. End of.

Stop over-complicating it. He slept with someone else immediately you broke up...and you broke up because he was spending a drunken evening with her.

It would have happened anyway.

And the phrase "Stealing my man" is odious...as though men are some helpless dick with a face that cannot control themselves but are there to be 'taken' by other women at will.

“Bunny boilers” do exist and it is quite frightening when one decides to target your DP. The constant stalking and weird stuff they do is unbelievable. Fortunately most men are easily scared when it dawns on them.
DH had one, fortunately it was pre mobile phone age so she had to leave messages on the answer phone which doesn’t really work. We had some odd stuff delivered through the post and she sent us the same Christmas card every year for 10 yrs.
I believe you OP, they can create a high level of mistrust and anxiety. I think if you were living with your DP things would have turned out differently.

[quote HeidiSchmeidi]@okokok000 That was exactly why I was so angry at the time. He said he couldn't block her on his work phone because she had legitimate need to contact him, and I suggested exactly that "tell HR", but he wouldn't do it because he said she would lose her job and she was a vulnerable person and so on because of her history. Basically I felt like he was letting it carry on and he thought ignoring her was the best policy and she'd eventually stop. I really don't think anything was going on behind my back as he had no reason to volunteer anything to me at the time, but I felt like he wasn't stopping it[/quote]
As others have said I think he was probably enjoying the attention. I suspect a threat that he would report to HR, even if he didn't would have probably nipped the messages in the bud. Sorry you've had to put up with this.

If he is worth it, I would take him back. He knows it was a huge mistake. Decent people tend to learn from stuff like this. Do you want the same things? Do you fit well together? Can you get past it? It sounds like upset drunken rebound sex, which he really regrets. Can you see yourself 20 years down the line with kids in tow working hard for a happy life? If so, then put it down to green idiocy.

Sorry, but men don't get 'stolen'. They go freely. There are no excuses. My husband has been drunk plenty of times in the past when we've had a row and he's never immediately shagged someone else because we were broken up.
Move on and find someone more trustworthy.
You definitely deserve more 😀

At the time, pre-pandemic, there were a lot of boozy work nights out almost every weekend, and I know my boyfriend very well and he is one of those people who gets absolutely blotto and does and says crazy things

For this reason alone you are well rid of him.

Yes take him back ... and let him ruin your inner soul with distrust 🌺

His behaviour was unacceptable and TBH getting so drunk that he has no boundaries is also unacceptable (you know, unless he's 15!! that sort of behaviour isn't attractive in an adult). It's one thing being drunk, it's another thing altogether to use it as an excuse to behave badly.

You don't even know that he actually DID go home to phone you, he could just have gone somewhere quiet and rung you just to placate you. Then he'd probably have been laughed at for being pussy whipped and flirted with shagged someone else to make himself feel cool in front of the other little boys blokes.

Honestly I think that even if you hadn't dumped him the outcome of the evening might still have been the same. He clearly enjoyed her attentions or he could have blocked her immediately as soon as she started. He knew you'd be upset but still started chatting to her when drunk when he could quite easily have ignored her. And he was still capable of having sex, so was he really that drunk? I bet it was him who suggested she 'isn't that attractive...' I bet he told you she was crazy/mixed up/hard work etc.

If it hadn't been her it would've been someone else, nothing you said or did would change that, as he uses being shitfaced to excuse his behaviour. If you get back with him you'll just be giving him carte blanche to do exactly the same again.

As others have said, if you really were the love of his life, being dumped that night would've sobered him up pretty sharpish, made him realise what he could lose if he went back out and sent him off to bed - alone - full of sadness and remorse.

Move on, and stop blaming her or you'll take the view into future relationships that men have no control over their dicks when other women flirt with them. They do, lots of men get flirted with all the time and not all of them are flattered, encourage it, or act on it. Adults - especially adults in relationships - know how to behave, know what's acceptable and what isn't and when they truly love someone they behave appropriately.

He sounds like a dick who'll just carry on playing the "I'm sorry, I was just sooo drunk, it wasn't my fault blah blah blah" card to get him out of all kinds of trouble. And you'll spend the best years of your life dancing the demoralising, heartbreaking and confidence trashing 'pick me dance' to his tune.

For your own sanity, block him.

The binge drinking alone would destroy any future relationship you might have with him. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse over time.

What's the situation now, that would impact my decision. Is he still the same person? Still getting blind drunk every five minutes? Still working away for months at a time? Still working with her and allowing her to cross boundaries? If so I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. I'd need him to have completely moved on from all those circumstances to be able to consider it.

OTOH, you did give the impression that the relationship was over. I don't have that much respect for someone who responds to that by INSTANTLY shagging someone else; but technically he was not cheating. And I think it would have been better for you not to send mixed messages in a 'tantrum'.

OTOH, his making 'drunken mistakes' at all would be a deal-breaker for me. I'm not a teetotaler; I don't consider getting drunk as such to be a sin, etc. However, if he allowed alcohol to drive him into someone else's arms, then either he is affected by alcohol in a way that changes his personality for the worse - in which case he is not totally trustworthy; or possibly he uses getting drunk as an excuse to engage in bad behaviour - in which case he is even less trustworthy. Either way, I would never feel able to trust him.

I think the main Issue is not if it’s right or wrong to get back with him, but if you want to.

If you love him, and you can see a future with him, and everything was wonderful before this, then you’ll probably find ways to tell yourself that what he did wasn’t that bad. The bad stuff will be outweighed by the good.
But if you don’t actually want to get back together with him, and you’re not missing him, and not thinking you’ve lost your soulmate - then you won’t be able to move on from what he did.
The drinking would be a huge issue for me. Getting that drunk on a regular basis , to the extent that you do crazy things, is really not healthy.
Also, is he still sleeping with her? I expect he is, because what’s he got to lose? And that would piss me off too.