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Original poster

This is unforgivable, right?

306 replies

HeidiSchmeidi · 04/03/2021 19:00

I think this is probably unforgivable but just want to run it by an objective audience. This happened a year ago and my ex is trying to get me to take him back (he has been trying for a year) and I wanted to see if I am crazy for even considering it.

My boyfriend and I were long distance at the time, and I hadn't seen him in three months. His ex started working with him. She is a woman (colleague from another office) who he had a brief relationship with (a few months) and he ended it because she was in love with him and wanted more and he didn't return her feelings.

When she arrived though, she relentlessly chased after him. To the point of propositioning him for sex and telling him if he did it she would never tell me and so on. She started sending him messages and so on about how she still loved him and didn't he miss her (he did tell her to stop and eventually blocked her) but it was quite blatant she was trying to steal my man.

In his defense he did tell her to please leave him alone because he was in a relationship (she didn't respect this request) and he was also completely honest and told me everything at the time and shared any texts with me so I was in the loop.

At the time, pre-pandemic, there were a lot of boozy work nights out almost every weekend, and I know my boyfriend very well and he is one of those people who gets absolutely blotto and does and says crazy things (loves everyone), so I was very uncomfortable with him getting wasted drunk if she was around. Not so much because I thought he would sleep with her, but just because I thought a conversation would start that he would not be in control of and so on.

So we agreed he wouldn't go to events which she was at, or if he did that he'd stay sober. Which he did for three months. Then one day there was an event she wasn't meant to be at, but she showed up to and he was already completely wasted when she got there. He was drunk at this point with no boundaries so he didn't think to leave.

She started hitting on him quite blatantly, and he ended up talking to her for a while. I happened to call him, and he told me where he was and that he'd chatted to her and in his drunk state he didn't see a problem at all with it. He actually got quite belligerent with me "I am an adult I think I can make a judgement".

I was home alone, I'd had a really stressful day and I felt very threatened by how persistently this woman was trying to steal my man and so I asked him to come home and call me. So he did and left five minutes later (it was about 9.30pm). He had been drinking all day on some corporate boat trip and he was absolutely wasted.

We never argued much, but I ended up absolutely raging at him, shouting, and told him I wanted to break up with him. I then blocked him on everything. This might seem an over-reaction, but at the time we were under a lot of strain being separated, and I felt he wasn't doing enough to get this woman to stop chasing after him (maybe his ego enjoyed it a bit) and it was making me feel really uncomfortable.

I'd stress we never had ANY problems with trust before (together two years) but this woman was blatantly gunning for him in the most obvious way and I was worried after so many months apart and her constantly trying to get him alone that something might happen everyone would regret.

Anyway, I did my dumping tantrum, and he (already wasted) decided to go back to the party and carry on drinking because he was upset and said he was on a self-destruct mission. She got him talking, he told her we had split up and cut a long story short he went back to her place and slept with her.

The next day he woke up really horrified but he believed we were genuinely split up so he went home. Later that day I called him to try and patch up our fight and sort things out and he confessed what had happened.

I was absolutely devastated, and told him I could never forgive him. He cried for weeks, tried everything he could to win me back but I just could not get past it.

Here we are over a year later and he is still trying to win me back, I am the love of his life and so on, it was a drunken mistake he made when he felt I'd dumped him.

Any thoughts on this? We do still love each other, but although my behavior was bad on that night I couldn't figure out why a few hours after our breakup he went and had sex with the one woman who had been making me feel unsafe for so long.

Obviously I;ve been very uncomfortable

OP posts:
Allbymyself1 · 04/03/2021 19:35

Thank goodness beezleboob, I thought I was on my own in thinking that!
I can't believe that he's immediately been labelled as a prick!
He told the woman he wasn't interested, blocked her, avoided social situations if he knew she was going because you were worried they might have a conversation (?!), went to a party he didn't think she'd be at , got drunk, you rang him and told him to go home which he did then you threw a tantrum and dumped him but he's the prick?
He got drunk at a party then got dumped and slept with a consenting adult - I don't think that makes him a terrible person with alcohol issues.

BlueThistles · 04/03/2021 19:36

Aaaaaahh so he too was a Victim..🤔

bless him for being an untrustworthy unfaithful unreliable PRICK 😊

Original poster
HeidiSchmeidi · 04/03/2021 19:36

@PolPotNoodle I think that's a bit unfair.

In the space of a month, this woman had probably sent 50 texts late at night, including nudes. When he blocked her on social media she moved to his work phone where it was hard to block her. She kept apologising at work the next day and saying she was drunk and just missed him. She made up every excuse in the book to be alone with him or get put onto projects with him. She had showed up at our house (I was away for work for a year) and proposition him at our door. She had propositioned him at a work function for sex and promised not to tell me if he did it. It was a pretty horrible situation for me.

I wasn't controlling - he was free to do whatever he wanted and he was out every weekend. I only asked he not be drunk around this particular woman because I found her threatening and obsessive.

She was someone he was in a relationship before me.

I think it was reasonable for me to be a bit uncomfortable.

OP posts:
beelzeboob · 04/03/2021 19:38

[quote HeidiSchmeidi]@beelzeboob it isn't necessarily about the time after the breakup, it was that he was wasted. I'd expect him to at least have the good sense to go to sleep and deal with the situation sober the next day rather than go out immediately to find comfort[/quote]
But he was drunk before she got there.
Whilst drunk he did what you demanded yet he still got dumped.
Why would he have had the sense after that, if he was pissed? Christ I’ve done some stupid things when pissed. In his drunk mind, he’d been dumped so..

I’m not denying I would be upset if I was you. I’d be devastated. But there’s nuance to everything in life and if I loved him, and he was remorseful, I would give him another chance, going by all the information you’ve given here.

imalmostthere · 04/03/2021 19:39

You probably had most people on your side until you said "she's not very attractive" - she was attractive enough to be with before you, and for him to shag the second you broke up.
As for all this "steal my man" nonsense, he told you what was happening from the word go, and you became obsessive to the point you banned him from events with her. Does that sound healthy? No. The whole thing is a disaster, and was long before he shagged her.

Original poster
HeidiSchmeidi · 04/03/2021 19:39

@thinkfast I remember clearly at the time I didn't break up with him because I thought he would sleep with her. I broke up with him because I had been angry over a few weeks that the situation was causing me anxiety, and while he was honest and transparent, I didn't think he had acted sternly enough. I'd asked him to tell his boss, for example, to ask her to stop what she was doing and he said it would be too embarrassing. I remember thinking that he was enjoying the attention on some level and obviously that instinct was right!

OP posts:
OverweightPidgeon · 04/03/2021 19:40

How do you know about everything that went on at their work ? I can’t believe for one minute he wasn’t enjoying it all .

1FootInTheRave · 04/03/2021 19:43

He'd have shagged her anyway imo.

And no, I couldn't and wouldn't get past this.

okokok000 · 04/03/2021 19:43

If anything getting her to stop contacting a work phone is easier than a personal one. All it required was him making clear he would refer the texts to HR to deal with.

TeaMilkNonePlease · 04/03/2021 19:43

This reads like Ross and Rachel and the girl from the copy place. Except TV is supposed to dramatise for effect. None of you come out well from this. He was either wrong to be that drunk he wasn't in control or he was in control and lied about his actions. She was determined to seduce him and it worked. You felt vulnerable and flipped which contributed to bringing about the thing you wanted least.

You tell us he's calling you the love of his life. Is he really the love of your life? Walk away.

LunaNorth · 04/03/2021 19:44

He can’t have been that ‘wasted’ if he managed to shag her.

ancientgran · 04/03/2021 19:48

[quote HeidiSchmeidi]@beelzeboob it isn't necessarily about the time after the breakup, it was that he was wasted. I'd expect him to at least have the good sense to go to sleep and deal with the situation sober the next day rather than go out immediately to find comfort[/quote]
As a lifelong teetotaller I've rarely seen a drunk with good sense.

NovemberR · 04/03/2021 19:49

The whole relationship sounds toxic. It was long distance, he was continually playing her off against you, you were ridiculously controlling and jealous. If you have to demand someone goes home because you don't trust their behaviour then what are you doing with them?

Getting utterly wasted at a corporate event, shagging an ex and then sobbing for weeks over your break up is such immature, unattractive behaviour I could not be bothered.

I certainly wouldn't a) still be in contact with him a year later
b) be even considering getting back with him.

Move on.

Iflyaway · 04/03/2021 19:49

she's not very attractive

Aren't you a charmer?

Ever heard of the expression "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"?

BrownFootStool · 04/03/2021 19:49

I think it is quite common that if a person has been a sore point in a relationship, the other person will sleep with them as an emotional backlash. I have certainly seen it many times and also had it happen to me.

It is up to you if you want him back. It certainly seems to be playing on your mind. It really is about whether you can trust him or not.

My story is that my bf of the time fancied this girl for years and she was always a bone of contention in our relationship. She flirted with him and he allowed it. Plus she was stunning. First thing he did when we split was shag her again. I gave him another chance. She gave him chlamydia.

TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 04/03/2021 19:50

Come off it, he could very easily have stopped it. An email to HR regarding sexual harassment and following up euthanasia lodging it with the police would have put an end to it.

Tulipsareblooming · 04/03/2021 19:50

You dumped him for what 20 mins and he raced back to her? Rather than going home like any sensible person would. Yeah he’s awful don’t take him back

TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 04/03/2021 19:50

No idea where euthanise came from. It’s seems a little ott to kill her over this. I meant following up the harassment claim by lodging it with the police.

stablefeet · 04/03/2021 19:51

I'm confused. She pursued him, he told you what was happening and he told her to stop and eventually blocked her. She turned up unexpectedly at an event where he was (and where he'd been drinking). They talked but that's it. He told you about it when you rang and left early because you wanted him to.
Back at home you went mad at him, told him you were breaking up with him and you even blocked him. He went back to the party and had sex with her. And why not? You'd dumped him and he did what many would do. (Women included).
He's trying to win you back, you consider he cheated but honestly I don't agree. He says he made a mistake, and that's fine, but he made it when you weren't together because you'd dumped him. I don't really get why he's a prick in this situation.

Original poster
HeidiSchmeidi · 04/03/2021 19:51

@beelzeboob I'm posting here because a part of me does see that side to the story too. However, I'm not a jealous or controlling person and that situation had me anxious and I think he was enjoying it, allowed it to persist and that was why it ended up where it did. I'm not saying he wanted to be with her (evidently not) but there was something not right about the situation getting so out of hand.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 04/03/2021 19:52

@HeidiSchmeidi

Do you think "I thought you had dumped me" is an excuse? I thought this was bollocks at the time because you don't go out immediately drunk and sleep with someone else.
What's changed your mind?
Enorel · 04/03/2021 19:53

I don't think people are relentless with no encouragement at all, sorry. Why not have a relationship with someone you can trust from the outset?

iknowimcoming · 04/03/2021 19:53

Oh god - are you 15? Steal my man? Win me back? Block him and move on!

Tulipsareblooming · 04/03/2021 19:54

Also you were right to be worried. No matter that she chased him ( I really don’t think he strongly enough told her to back off) he must have liked her enough to sleep with her. So you were right to be worried and sensed on some level something might be happening or could or otherwise you wouldn’t have cared about this woman. The fact he did it knowing how you felt about this woman is ridiculously immature. If he knee jerk reacts to things and makes these mistakes who knows what else he might do in heated arguments etc in the future. Yes, you dumped him but if he loved and respected you he would not have done this.

Kitfish · 04/03/2021 19:54

You had dumped him. He wasn't going out with you at the time. Who he sleeps with when he is single is his business alone. How was he to know you were just playing mind games and would decide to get back with him the next day? (Not nice behaviousr IMO but something you seem to have forgiven yourself for pretty quickly). You can't have it both ways. I vote forgive. And don't say things you don't mean in future.