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Sexually rebooting - Any advice please?

50 replies

Happyeverafter121 · 04/03/2021 17:49

My husband and I have been having issues in the bedroom off and on for the past 2 years. I discovered that he was looking at pictures of women daily for around 18mths. Nothing heavy but clearly pictures to give himself a buzz. I didn't confront him at first and just accepted 'men do this' until it started causing problems in the bedroom. He started to suffer with ED which he put down to all sorts of reasons... he's tired, stressed, his back hurts but after putting a lot of effort in on both parts to reduce the issues he still suffered with ED and all the while I note he's still looking daily at these pictures. I eventually raised it with him and he minimised it saying its nothing, just silly pictures, but understood why I'd be concerned with how much he was looking at and how often, he later admits to looking at some soft porn videos. He has categorically said he still finds me attractive and that he hasn't looked at another picture/video since finding out how it made me feel. He said I am the woman of his dreams and is becoming so frustrated that we are still having issues that he is suffering with performance related ED as well. I'm prepared to work with him on this and support him as much as possible. I've done some research and I think he has sexually conditioned his brain to respond to the images he was looking at. He was compulsively looking at sneaky peak images such as a flash up a skirt, down the top a bit of side boob but scrolled through so many he has conditioned himself to variety and instant reward bursts. Has anyone had any experience of rebooting and if so can they share?

OP posts:
Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 05:28

Bump

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 05/03/2021 06:37

Could you take some photos together so you’re his personal wank bank?

biggirlknickers · 05/03/2021 06:58

I don’t like Isadora’s idea - that sounds like the OP becoming objectified and also dies t deal with the root of the problem (his conditioning to respond only to a certain kind of image instead of the living breathing human being he is with).

Would he consider couples therapy? Has he seen his GP?

biggirlknickers · 05/03/2021 07:00

Also, I’m slightly disturbed by the kinds of images he seems to like - it sounds like they might be taken without the women’s consent? Or at least made to look that way. That would be a major red flag to me. How does it make you feel OP?

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 05/03/2021 07:18

@biggirlknickers

Also, I’m slightly disturbed by the kinds of images he seems to like - it sounds like they might be taken without the women’s consent? Or at least made to look that way. That would be a major red flag to me. How does it make you feel OP?
This is what I thought too. Really disturbing.
Magnificentmug12 · 05/03/2021 07:24

You can get porn for couples? I’m surprised his “given it up” that’s a big ask! And I wouldn’t be too disappointed if he reverts back sometimes. When a partner goes off sex that’s all you kind of have. Mental images in the brain can only do so much.

Maybe try viagra in the mean time and depending on his age ED can be normal. It takes time and no quick fix.

Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 16:32

@biggirlknickers

Also, I’m slightly disturbed by the kinds of images he seems to like - it sounds like they might be taken without the women’s consent? Or at least made to look that way. That would be a major red flag to me. How does it make you feel OP?
It devastated me to be honest and I've battled my own feelings around this for a long time. At one point we were close to separating as I couldn't look at him the same and it felt as though he was looking for opportunities for a 'glimse' whilst out and about. I'll be honest I have absolutely been dreading the summer coming however it was make or break and I started my own research. I'm pretty certain he has conditioned his brain to respond to these images and the ludicrous variety which is why weren't in this situation, coupled with performance anxiety now. His reasoning behind the images was that they didn't feel too naughty initially, just a flash so he didn't feel he was crossing any boundaries or being out of order. Knowing my husband as I have done for 25 years I get that methodology, however they certainly weren't innocent and he was certainly getting something out of it. And here we are..... I've read about sexual conditioning and rebooting as a means to resolve it but couldn't find any threads. This is my last hope really :(
OP posts:
Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 16:34

@Isadora2007

Could you take some photos together so you’re his personal wank bank?
I get what you're saying but I need him to connect with me again. Not parts of me, he needs to develop this as well. Its felt so long since we had pure, uncomplicated, connected sex.
OP posts:
Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 16:36

@biggirlknickers

I don’t like Isadora’s idea - that sounds like the OP becoming objectified and also dies t deal with the root of the problem (his conditioning to respond only to a certain kind of image instead of the living breathing human being he is with).

Would he consider couples therapy? Has he seen his GP?

Yes he would consider couples therapy and if all else fails it may be out last hope. I don't want to throw away 25years of marriage for this 😪
OP posts:
Mn753 · 05/03/2021 16:38

How old is he?

Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 16:47

@Mn753

How old is he?
Mid 40s
OP posts:
Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 16:47

He has had some medical checks recently (un related) which rule out diabetes and high blood pressure.

OP posts:
Tiger2018 · 05/03/2021 16:56

if he's willing to go to counseling - can you consider sex therapy? As this will be focused on overcome this specific issue.

Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 17:59

@Tiger2018

if he's willing to go to counseling - can you consider sex therapy? As this will be focused on overcome this specific issue.
Yes I think he would, just hoping to resolve it between ourselves first if possible.
OP posts:
Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 18:00

Sorry of my response are short, just trying to respond without drawing attention as were together

OP posts:
Newfor2021 · 05/03/2021 18:03

Perhaps look into Tantra and that sort of area. You can do stuff such as focusing on touching, stroking, massaging each other etc but without it ending in sex.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/03/2021 18:11

My question would be OP, why is it that you're posting on here asking how YOU can help solve HIS problem with erection disappointment?

You can look up "reset" techniques until the cows come home but if he's not invested in the process then he's not going to follow it and you won't get anywhere.

First step in my book would be seeing the GP - there are many other reasons for ED aside from diabetes and BP, low testosterone is a very common cause.

Does HE feel that his porn use has contributed to the ED? Or did he start using (more) porn because of the ED? It's very common for men with ED to use more porn as they never have to worry about their performance when they're just having a wank!

Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 19:25

I'm posting on here because his problem is our problem. The same as mine are to him. Yes, he admits its likely the cause. We've both looked through the website 'your brain on porn' and ticked all the boxes. He has been open to say he would be likely to wank without an issue (sorry if tmi) to these images. Hes open to working through this and we've agreed 'rebooting' is likely our best bet.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/03/2021 19:43

Sorry to ask this OP but it's an important distinction that I think will shape the responses you get - are these opportunist images that have been taken of unsuspecting woman or at least are supposed to look like unsuspecting women?

Or are they clearly of women who know the shots are being taken?

Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 19:49

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Sorry to ask this OP but it's an important distinction that I think will shape the responses you get - are these opportunist images that have been taken of unsuspecting woman or at least are supposed to look like unsuspecting women?

Or are they clearly of women who know the shots are being taken?

.....I think the appeal is they are unsuspecting.
OP posts:
fallfallfall · 05/03/2021 19:50

while he is looking at these photo's is he able to get a hard erection and ejaculate?
ED isn't always about diabetes or bp.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/03/2021 19:52

.....I think the appeal is they are unsuspecting.

In that case I think you do need to ask yourself if you feel comfortable having sex with a man who gets off on other men taking pictures of unsuspecting women, for him and other men to wank over.

It would make me think he was a misogynist who was enabling predatory men and objectifying women.

Would he be ok with men taking those sorts of pictures of his daughter when she is a teen / adult, then sharing them online for other men to wank over?

It's ok if him doing that is a dealbreaker for you.

Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 19:53

@fallfallfall

while he is looking at these photo's is he able to get a hard erection and ejaculate? ED isn't always about diabetes or bp.
Yes he would be able to. He admitted this to me.
OP posts:
Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 20:03

@youvegottenminuteslynn

.....I think the appeal is they are unsuspecting.

In that case I think you do need to ask yourself if you feel comfortable having sex with a man who gets off on other men taking pictures of unsuspecting women, for him and other men to wank over.

It would make me think he was a misogynist who was enabling predatory men and objectifying women.

Would he be ok with men taking those sorts of pictures of his daughter when she is a teen / adult, then sharing them online for other men to wank over?

It's ok if him doing that is a dealbreaker for you.

I'll admit I'm naive. He's the only person I've been with and thought all men have quirks? That sound ridiculous typing it.... before this, in my opinion we've had 23years of happy marriage. Is what is shared a concern?
OP posts:
Happyeverafter121 · 05/03/2021 20:05

@youvegottenminuteslynn

.....I think the appeal is they are unsuspecting.

In that case I think you do need to ask yourself if you feel comfortable having sex with a man who gets off on other men taking pictures of unsuspecting women, for him and other men to wank over.

It would make me think he was a misogynist who was enabling predatory men and objectifying women.

Would he be ok with men taking those sorts of pictures of his daughter when she is a teen / adult, then sharing them online for other men to wank over?

It's ok if him doing that is a dealbreaker for you.

Can you please ready other threads.... I'd like you to have a good idea of the complete picture. I'm so muddled with it all.
OP posts:
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