Sexually rebooting - Any advice please?

[Happyeverafter121]

My husband and I have been having issues in the bedroom off and on for the past 2 years. I discovered that he was looking at pictures of women daily for around 18mths. Nothing heavy but clearly pictures to give himself a buzz. I didn't confront him at first and just accepted 'men do this' until it started causing problems in the bedroom. He started to suffer with ED which he put down to all sorts of reasons... he's tired, stressed, his back hurts but after putting a lot of effort in on both parts to reduce the issues he still suffered with ED and all the while I note he's still looking daily at these pictures. I eventually raised it with him and he minimised it saying its nothing, just silly pictures, but understood why I'd be concerned with how much he was looking at and how often, he later admits to looking at some soft porn videos. He has categorically said he still finds me attractive and that he hasn't looked at another picture/video since finding out how it made me feel. He said I am the woman of his dreams and is becoming so frustrated that we are still having issues that he is suffering with performance related ED as well. I'm prepared to work with him on this and support him as much as possible. I've done some research and I think he has sexually conditioned his brain to respond to the images he was looking at. He was compulsively looking at sneaky peak images such as a flash up a skirt, down the top a bit of side boob but scrolled through so many he has conditioned himself to variety and instant reward bursts. Has anyone had any experience of rebooting and if so can they share?

All men have quirks, all people do. But that doesn't mean those quirks have to be acceptable to you within a relationship.

Everyone has boundaries of what they will / won't or can / can't tolerate. I would find it so troubling a partner specifically found it sexually exciting to see images of unsuspecting women going about their day to day business that I wouldn't be with them anymore.

Imagine going about your day to day life - being at a shop / on a train / walking in the street, and finding out a man had taken a picture up your skirt / down your top etc and shared it online for other men to wank over.

How would you feel if you knew that had happened to you? I would feel disgusted, violated and really upset. So I couldn't be with a man who found that sexually exciting. And more than that, a man for whom this is one of the things he finds most sexually exciting.

Taking it back to basics, the crux of the matter for me is that he finds a lack of consent exciting. It's vile and as I say, it's ok if you're not ok with that.

*read my

@youvegottenminuteslynn

All men have quirks, all people do. But that doesn't mean those quirks have to be acceptable to you within a relationship.

Everyone has boundaries of what they will / won't or can / can't tolerate. I would find it so troubling a partner specifically found it sexually exciting to see images of unsuspecting women going about their day to day business that I wouldn't be with them anymore.

Imagine going about your day to day life - being at a shop / on a train / walking in the street, and finding out a man had taken a picture up your skirt / down your top etc and shared it online for other men to wank over.

How would you feel if you knew that had happened to you? I would feel disgusted, violated and really upset. So I couldn't be with a man who found that sexually exciting. And more than that, a man for whom this is one of the things he finds most sexually exciting.

Taking it back to basics, the crux of the matter for me is that he finds a lack of consent exciting. It's vile and as I say, it's ok if you're not ok with that.

Thank you, part of our difficulty is that he is so intune with those 'everyday' opportunities that I could see him looking or trying hard not to look at a woman bending over putting shopping in the car or a person crossing the road with a good bottom. It made the summer last year crippling and excruciating for me, I'm dreading spring. However, I'm hoping that he can reboot his mindset, if not sadly I think he's destroyed our marriage.....

He finds voyeurism and lack of consent titillating. I'd find it really, really hard to get over this.

Do all men have quirks?

Depends what you mean by a quirk. A quirk could be that they leave the loo seat up, prefer branflakes to cornflakes or need reminding it's their turn to take the bins out. In which case, yes all men have quirks.

What you mean is do all men have sexual quirks that their female partners might not like?

In which case the answer is no. Not all men watch porn. Even if they do, they don't all do it in a way that involves upsetting their long term partner, viewing images taken without consent or having obsessions about it.
If they have things they like to do in bed, they talk to their partners and a consensual agreement is reached - which may involve not doing that thing at all, and also involves female pleasure.

So no, not all men have 'quirks' as you put it.

Ultimately he cares about a wank, more than he cares about you, and somehow it is your joint problem to solve? Fuck that shit.

Just read through your other threads. It sounds like he has developed an additional cation/dependency on the porn. It sounds like he needs professional help.

He's now fetishised non consenting women. It's a really slippery slope and a really troubling one. And it's one of few kinks that can't be brought into a loving relationship because he is aroused by the lack of consent and you are a consenting participant.

I'm sorry OP but I think he has well and truly fucked things up. I don't know any women who could get over this and have a healthy relationship with the partner who was into this stuff. Lots would try I'm sure, but I don't know how it would work out for the best. It wouldn't IMO.

I had a look at your other threads as you asked me to and this is a big deal. He's not just into this voyeur porn thing a bit, he's looking at it loads and has acknowledged he can get hard and finish when looking at that stuff but not do so without viagra within your relationship.

Sometimes things are too broken to fix. And I really think you should want more for yourself than trying to fix things with someone who gets off on women not consenting.

I would be tempted to ask him how he would feel if one of those unconsenting upskirts turned out to be his daughter / niece etc.

Or how he would feel if you two were out and about and he caught a man taking a picture up your skirt / down your top to share online as wank fodder.

Have you pushed him on the non consenting / unknowing element of the stuff he's into? It's really fucking vile.

You’re talking about what you want, what work you have/will do, how you feel, what research you’ve done
But what’s he doing? What does he want?
Seems like he wants to look at these pictures more than anything

So really, you need to get to the bottom of that, because if that’s his priority, which it sounds like it is, then it doesn’t matter what you want or what you do

Also, Is he ok? It sounds like an addiction. What do you think?

Finally why after 23 years does he need to ‘admit’ to watching soft porn, like it’s a dirty thing and also like something to be done in secret. That would suggest maybe some attitudes and lack of openness around sex in your relationship. Unless it’s just admitting he’s watching it at the moment because of the ED. But then that shows the ED is psychological not physiological and you can work on it?

@Geppili

He finds voyeurism and lack of consent titillating. I'd find it really, really hard to get over this.

This. He sounds a bit grim really.

Your husband watches porn. Like 99% of men, of which 49% hide from their wives. I appreciate how it makes you feel, but due to the ease of access to free porn, what he is doing, is nowadays considered normal. Doesn’t mean you have to like it, and he perhaps needs to be more discreet. I think asking him to stop is as bad as him expecting you to put out.
You probably are sexually mismatched like many couples.
I don’t wish to speculate, but I’m guessing your sex life is pretty run of the mill. If that is so, then that is what is likely to be causing the ED. Funny how so many men have ED with their wives, but don’t struggle in-front of an iPad.

Good luck OP, I hope you work things out.

I had assumed the pictures he was looking at were consensual, like upskirts - but if done by a porn star or on only fans for example, gives a sense of voyeurism but whilst also being consenting.
Obviously if these are photos of non consenting women I don’t think I could get over that.

@TheRulesDontApplyToMe It sounds like you are blaming the Op. It takes two to make a sex life. Op's husband isn't just watching porn. He is watching a particular kind of porn, watching it addictively, secretly, not being able to make love and not being able to live without his wanking habit. Moreover, he is leering at unsuspecting women/girls in real life, with his poor wife out and about with him. He sounds like a Grade A Creep.

I don’t wish to speculate, but I’m guessing your sex life is pretty run of the mill. If that is so, then that is what is likely to be causing the ED. Funny how so many men have ED with their wives, but don’t struggle in-front of an iPad.

This sounds like victim blaming. It is not the “run of the mill” sex life as you put it that is causing the ED - it’s the fact that her dh is looking at a certain type of porn and wanking to it and is now unable to perform whilst having sex with his wife, a real person. If he gave up looking at the porn it would probably rectify itself in time. Also OP - look up “death grip”. When a man is wanking loads to porn he becomes desensitised to PIV sex as he’s using the tight grip of his hand to come and sort of training himself to climax in a certain way. He needs to go cold turkey on the porn if there’s even a glimmer of a chance of him sorting out his sex life with you.

Don’t blame yourself If you can’t be arsed waiting around while he decides what is more important to him.

@Geppili

Just read through your other threads. It sounds like he has developed an additional cation/dependency on the porn. It sounds like he needs professional help.

Thank you for taking the time to read through. Its so difficult to paint a true picture in a thread, especially when it can have such life altering consequences. I agree, to make this work we need professional help. Thanks again

I tolerate moderate porn use in a partner, but I don't like his choice of material one bit.

Creepy.

@Geppili not blaming the OP, but I think she will be disappointed by her H if she is setting those boundaries. He is likely to fail.
You have a point about the type of porn he is watching. However, maybe from his perspective, he didn’t take the pics, so he isn’t the bad guy.
Sadly, what is destroying their relationship and so many others is the accessibility of porn, and the many different types available.
I doubt she will ever look at him in a way that she used to. She needs to decide if it’s a deal breaker.

@TheRulesDontApplyToMe

Your husband watches porn. Like 99% of men, of which 49% hide from their wives. I appreciate how it makes you feel, but due to the ease of access to free porn, what he is doing, is nowadays considered normal. Doesn’t mean you have to like it, and he perhaps needs to be more discreet. I think asking him to stop is as bad as him expecting you to put out. You probably are sexually mismatched like many couples. I don’t wish to speculate, but I’m guessing your sex life is pretty run of the mill. If that is so, then that is what is likely to be causing the ED. Funny how so many men have ED with their wives, but don’t struggle in-front of an iPad. Good luck OP, I hope you work things out.

I appreciate your help but no I don't have to like it. Like 99% of the women that discover their partners using it. Sadly I've tried another of 'non run of the mill' things to 'fix spice up our love life but to no avail. I've just been left feeling the fool and undesirable....

You have a point about the type of porn he is watching. However, maybe from his perspective, he didn’t take the pics, so he isn’t the bad guy.

He may well think that. But if his thinking is that basic then he's an idiot on top of everything else that has been pointed out to OP.

www.gov.uk/government/news/upskirting-law-comes-into-force

The images he's viewing could land the person who took them in prison thanks to a change in the law.

He is turned on by a lack of consent. It's hugely troubling.

OP as I say I couldn't resist asking him how he would feel if someone was sharing these kind of pictures of you / his daughter / his niece online for other men to wank over.

This is the kind of thing there is often no coming back from because he's shown himself to have no respect for women and to be aroused by women not consenting.

Sadly I've tried another of 'non run of the mill' things to 'fix spice up our love life but to no avail. I've just been left feeling the fool and undesirable....

That's because his turn on is women not consenting or even being aware he is aroused. So he's not turned on anymore by women consenting or knowing he's looking at them sexually. It's so gross.

You said you don't want to throw away 25 years of your life - however you have at least another good 25 years ahead of you ! I understand that you would like to make this work but don't use the last 25 as an excuse to stay for more of this . I was married for 30 years and now am far happier than I ever was with my second H who loves and respects me totally .

@BehindMyEyes

You said you don't want to throw away 25 years of your life - however you have at least another good 25 years ahead of you ! I understand that you would like to make this work but don't use the last 25 as an excuse to stay for more of this . I was married for 30 years and now am far happier than I ever was with my second H who loves and respects me totally .

Thank you behindmyeyes. This is all dawning on me now. The serial conditioning makes sense and feels like it could resolve it but despite me raising it and him agreeing, he's not talked about it again.... I can't be the one who keeps trying to fix this, this is his doing yet its me who is trying g to find a solution....

*sexual...darn auto correct!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Sadly I've tried another of 'non run of the mill' things to 'fix spice up our love life but to no avail. I've just been left feeling the fool and undesirable....

That's because his turn on is women not consenting or even being aware he is aroused. So he's not turned on anymore by women consenting or knowing he's looking at them sexually. It's so gross.

Thats what scares meant my last hooe is he attempts to reboot...

*me an my last chance is he

This must be very upsetting, I'm sorry he's doing this.

However I think you are acting in a codependent way. You talk about this as though it's a mutual problem and it's not. You say We need professional help, or We have this problem. His problems are not yours and they're affecting you in a very negative way.

Your support and help at this point is inappropriate.He is now having a sex life with himself that excludes you and involves non consenting women. He is displaying sexually deviant behaviour. It's clear that this has moved into real life with your description of him sexually ogling women. How disrespectful to you. And them.

Your husband is not a poor man who needs help. He is a pervert and is abusing the women he looks at and wanks over and you. How confident are you that he has not taken pictures of you without your consent? How confident are you that the images he looks at won't land him in court? Having lived with a porn sick man I can tell you that this is likely to get a whole lot worse.

Many porn sick men become sexually abusive to their partners and you need to be alert to this.

I urge you to stop supporting him and start supporting yourself. Your husband is prioritising his wanking over your marriage. You need to prioritise yourself.