Partner's secret debt

[TheChild]

I'm a regular poster but have name changed as this is outing.

I just found out a few days ago that my partner has racked up just shy of £3k on a credit card. I found out about the card when he got it, I knew he got the card to buy my engagement ring. I wasn't too thrilled about him going into debt to buy a ring, but I decided not to mention it as I knew how important it was to him to get me a nice ring (I had always said I would be just as happy with an argos ring!)

He has always been sensible with money, he doesn't buy himself a lot of stuff, so I assumed this card would be getting paid off. I found a statement that showed payments of £75 being made so I stupidly assumed he would be well on his way to clearing the balance.

Fast forward a year I see he left his emails open on our laptop and that there was a recent email from his credit card provider. I shouldn't have snooped, but I was curious to see how far the debt had gone down. This is where I found out that he had been making payments of £75 but then spending on it every month, he even took a cash withdrawal out which I figured out was to use as spending money on the trip we went on when we got engaged. He told me he had been saving to cover these costs which was obviously a lie.

I know in the grand scheme of things this is fixable, and we can afford to pay it off. But its all the lies he has told. For the past year I have been on a journey to be debt free and pay off my credit card and I had a plan to pay it off within the year. I have scrimped and saved, made sacrifices and changed the way I saw money and I thought he was onboard. We have joint finances for everything and all our wages go into one pot. I was so excited to become debt free and to actually have money in the bank but it turns out he had this debt he had no intention to tell me about. We had talked together about what to do with the extra money when the card had been paid off and saving for the things we need instead of getting into debt.

I went through all the statements to see what he had spent the money on. There was the ring, hotel and spending money from when we got engaged. Fair enough I could understand that but he had told me he had saved for the trip. But then there was a couple of food shops (god knows why when we always have money in our account for the shop), multiple transactions to Costa, Greggs, Subway, sometimes more than once a day.

I don't understand why he felt the need to do this when we had the money in our account to pay for these things. There's me taking a packed lunch to work everyday and buying him food and drink for him to take so we can save money and he has been going out for his lunch 3-4 times per week.

I just don't know how I can trust him again when he has lied to me for the past year? I don't know why he didn't feel he could talk to me or discuss the budget together if he felt maybe I was being too tight? I asked him if he felt we needed to increase it to include things like this and he said no, but why then would be spend money on things like that behind my back?

I have seen threads from people who have uncovered £££ worth of debt their partners have hidden so I know this is nothing in comparison, but it's the secrecy and lies he has told me about having a few quid extra in his single account to explain little purchases, when really he was using a credit card.

Sorry I know this is jumbled, I'm still so upset and I know I'm probably overreacting.

Get rid of him.

......talk to him op.

@MajorMujer

......talk to him op.

I have, I asked him about it and that's when he showed me the statements. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said he was embarassed and ashamed. But if that were true wouldn't you just cut the card up and stop spending on pointless things? He has apologised and promised it will never happen again, but I never thought he would lie to me and do something like this when he knew how excited I was to be paying off my own credit card.

He borrowed £3k for a ring and has been spending what he's paid? Or has he borrowed more?

What's the overall debt OP?

If he is spending bits each month he may not even realise. You need to talk to him about it

@jelly79

He borrowed £3k for a ring and has been spending what he's paid? Or has he borrowed more?

What's the overall debt OP?

If he is spending bits each month he may not even realise. You need to talk to him about it

Sorry I wasn't clear, the ring cost about £1,400 and as far as I was aware this was the only thing he had used the credit card for. The balance is now just under £3,000 and the remaining £1,600 is made up of some bigger costs such as our hotel and some food shops down to small daily transactions on things like coffees, buying his lunch for work etc. He said he stuck his head in the sand but if he wanted to buy his lunch or a coffee he could have used our main bank account as the money was there. I think maybe he spent on this card because he thought I would tell him off or something for spending money in coffees? Maybe I have been too tight and cut down too much, but when I asked him and said we could increase the budget he said not to. I just don't really understand why he would hide it from me.

Sorry if I've missed this, but did he actually lie to you at any point OP? Or is it just that it was never mentioned that you feel lied to?

Depending on how much he earns it seems a relatively low and manageable amount, but I agree he does need to stop spending and just pay it off

I’ll be honest, I’m prone to overspending on “stuff” and have had a couple of times in my adult life where I’ve had a bombshell moment about the level it had crept up to without my conscious awareness.

I’ve not hidden it from partners, where I’ve had one at the time, but haven’t volunteered the info either. It’s something that feels a bit shameful and easier to handle by ignoring it (which is obviously not true, but it’s how it feels).

I have found that totting up the costs for, eg Greggs or Costa, and seeing how much that equates to over a month / year helps me pull myself up and get more of a grip. Unfortunately it’s something you have to keep revisiting before it sinks in and translates into a change in habits.

Well done on changing your own habits. Your BF can do the same.

Was this his first credit card? It's easy to treat it as a bit of a novelty at first...you can keep spending without having to think of it as money. I did it myself with my first card, then had to pay it off, but I'm more sensible now.
Talk to him about it again, now he can see how it can build up from small purchases, and you've nothing to show for it.

@ProfPickles

Sorry if I've missed this, but did he actually lie to you at any point OP? Or is it just that it was never mentioned that you feel lied to?

Depending on how much he earns it seems a relatively low and manageable amount, but I agree he does need to stop spending and just pay it off

On occasion, but what I consider silly lies. To give an example, for Christmas he wanted to do beef wellington and get the beef from our local butcher (which is nice but very expensive!) Me being me I had said it was quite a lot to pay for some meat (I am used to buying Aldi meat) but as he really wanted to make it (he is a brilliant cook) I thought fair enough, Christmas is a good excuse to make an expensive tasty meal. After he had bought it, he told me it wasn't as much as he thought it would be and that he had enough in his own bank account to cover it so I didn't think anything of it.

Then I see that he had actually used the credit card to buy it and it was more than he told me it cost. To me I just don't understand why he would lie? I knew it was quite expensive and was fine for him to buy it, we had plenty of money in our account to pay for it, so why lie and put it on a credit card?

We are classed as low earners and receive tax credits, but we have what I think are relatively low outgoings so we have been lucky enough to save money.

I feel like as I'm typing I am realising that I am too controlling with money I've just been so focused on getting out of debt perhaps I have become a scrooge!

@TheChild I can understand your frustration then OP, any sort of lies however small really do annoy me and I wouldn't be happy.

Just have a word about it and try help him get it under control, it's easy to get into trouble at the start because it feels fine for a while until you see the damage you've done!

He’s got champagne tastes on a beer budget.

What was his childhood like? I know my own secrecy habit in part stems from seeing my Mum hiding spending from Dad. Not because he was financially controlling, but more that he was a saver and she really wasn’t.

In adulthood I can see the irony, because in every other respect it’s always been her way or the highway, but she regularly used to hide things she’d bought (expensive clothes, handbags, shoes - not daily stuff) from Dad.

@PaterPower

I’ll be honest, I’m prone to overspending on “stuff” and have had a couple of times in my adult life where I’ve had a bombshell moment about the level it had crept up to without my conscious awareness.

I’ve not hidden it from partners, where I’ve had one at the time, but haven’t volunteered the info either. It’s something that feels a bit shameful and easier to handle by ignoring it (which is obviously not true, but it’s how it feels).

I have found that totting up the costs for, eg Greggs or Costa, and seeing how much that equates to over a month / year helps me pull myself up and get more of a grip. Unfortunately it’s something you have to keep revisiting before it sinks in and translates into a change in habits.

Well done on changing your own habits. Your BF can do the same.

Thank you for this post, it has given me some perpective. I did exactly what DP did when I got my credit card, I swore it would be for emergencies only but its amazing what you can classify as an emergency. DP knew about the card as I had used it for a few big purchases such as new furniture, but I also used it for silly things like a new top or a lunch out, but I was always open about what the balance was. So I know how easy it is to get out of control, which is why I'm a bit hurt he wouldn't just speak to me about it.

He is genuinely the most lovely person, a brilliant partner and dad who does so much for us. I just wish he hadn't hid it from me. We are at the beginning stages of doing our living room (old flat that needs replastering, new everything) and were planning on paying for it bit by bit. I don't feel comfortable doing that now I know about this balance that is owed. We are just about to spend a lot of money on a new boiler that is a necessity so will now have a very small emergency fund.

It could be that you need to lighten up about your attitude to debt or compromise with him but it doesn't bode well at all for the relationship that he has basically lied consistently since your engagement. It's worrying that he finds it so easy to do so and the loss of trust you have inevitably experienced is not easily recovered. It's pretty serious.

Perhaps if you both have a "frivolous spends" accounts of your own that you pay over some money into on payday, going forward?

So he can buy a coffee or whatnot without feeling bad about it or like you might question it.

If your budget is too tight to allow for occasional treats, it's probably a bit unsustainable and austere.

But he shouldn't have lied and covered up. I'd be concerned that you're not a team, that he's prone to going behind your back rather than speaking to you honestly.

@pog100

It could be that you need to lighten up about your attitude to debt or compromise with him but it doesn't bode well at all for the relationship that he has basically lied consistently since your engagement. It's worrying that he finds it so easy to do so and the loss of trust you have inevitably experienced is not easily recovered. It's pretty serious.

I find it shocking that OP should have to 'lighten up' and accept getting into debt to pay for Costa etc when she is working hard to get out of it herself. OP, you and your partner (your fiancé?) need to sit down together and agree on your shared financial priorities as right now it sounds like you aren't on the same page at all. It's not about you being controlling or not, it's about you two having a shared goal and working together. Do you want to own your own home, get out of debt, have Costa and lunch out three times a week, go on holiday every year? What is most important to you and to him? And assuming you can't afford everything (because who can?), how will you budget and prioritise? My husband and I use an app called YNAB which was recommended on money saving expert and it's saved us loads of money and arguments because we budget and talk about money much better. It gives us better oversight of our spending. I would definitely recommend having a look at it and if you do, there's an add on you can get to sync it with your bank accounts which helps so much. Good luck x

The debt itself would upset me. His behaviour would.

You had agreed a spending plan. He had input into this. You sacrificed luxuries so you could be debt free. He was aware of this.

He chose to buy coffees/lunch on his credit card so that you wouldn't know about it. He lied about his savings and spending. Multiple times.

He either thinks that he shouldn't sacrifice luxuries to pay for your debt - fair enough, but he should have told you - or he is selfish and happy to let you sacrifice while he still has daily treats.

honestly I think you sound very controlling and although I agree that in principle having no debt is the way to go maybe you have become fixated on this rather than asking him and listening to him about what HIS priorities are. he nay not care so much about carrying a bit of debt and he may want o eat better quality food than the cheapest possible. Neither of these attitudes are wrong per se, but you need to listen to each other and see if you can compromise

@MadeForThis

The debt itself would upset me. His behaviour would.

You had agreed a spending plan. He had input into this. You sacrificed luxuries so you could be debt free. He was aware of this.

He chose to buy coffees/lunch on his credit card so that you wouldn't know about it. He lied about his savings and spending. Multiple times.

He either thinks that he shouldn't sacrifice luxuries to pay for your debt - fair enough, but he should have told you - or he is selfish and happy to let you sacrifice while he still has daily treats.

That is what also stings. I love nothing more than going out for coffee or lunch, and before I went on a budget a lot of my money went on this. I really had to stop doing this (covid obviously helped with that!) and tried to go once a week if that. I switched to Morrisons cafe if I wanted a coffee as its so much cheaper. I am at home a lot just me and our toddler so going out for food or coffee was always something to do, but I made that sacrifice and I thought he did too.

Don’t take the blame for this which you are starting to do with the ‘maybe I was too harsh with the budget’ talk.

He is an adult, if he was finding it hard he should have spoken to you, not hide and lie.

This is not on you op.

This really does not bode well for your future together. I would think very very carefully before making any solid plans for marriage, because if you marry you will effectively be taking on legal responsibility for his debt in the event of a split.

What would really concern me is that he has repeatedly lied to your face about his spending, and in some cases (eg the Xmas beef) he didn't even have to lie - you were expecting him to spend some money, he could have just got the beef and that would have been that. But he went to the effort of saying it was less expensive than he thought, AND that he paid it out of his own bank account. That's two deliberate lies, which he's gone out of his way to set up.

And you had NO clue until you saw the email that he was lying. So that demonstrates how easily and readily he can pull the wool over your eyes - no giveaway bad acting skills, body language, voice change, etc.

If you'd said "Oh that sounds expensive, how much would it be" and he'd just said "No need to worry about that my love, leave it to me, you deserve the best" then that would be an omission - still dishonest, but not in a calculated way. What he's done was planned.

I think I'd be asking myself what the future was with a man who appears to lie without a scruple on the most inconsequential matters and seems happy to watch me struggle, scrimp and save while enjoying luxuries that I'd foregone.

You need to have your own money. Add up salaries, put some in a house account for bills etc, and split the rest between yourselves.

That way you can spend what you have where you like. This is how DH and l do it. I would hate to have to explain each Greggs. or Starbucks.

Then I see that he had actually used the credit card to buy it and it was more than he told me it cost. To me I just don't understand why he would lie? I knew it was quite expensive and was fine for him to buy it, we had plenty of money in our account to pay for it, so why lie and put it on a credit card?

He lied because you made a big deal about ‘Aldi would be cheaper’, then graciously allowed him to do what he wanted (but he knew you didn’t really approve) and then when he realised it cost even more than he’d estimated (and which you thought was already outrageous) he was ashamed and couldn’t face the conversation.

Greggs, Costa etc - just give each other a bit of disposable in your personal accounts, not the joint account, so it’s not got that feeling of being monitored all the time.

Yes, you need joint financial goals and agreements. But this last year has been pretty shit - small pleasures have felt important at times. Forgive him but learn from this and adjust a little, both of you. It’s fine for you to feel upset he was t on the same page when you were scrimping and denying yourself. But you also need to take on board that perhaps he doesn’t do as well with rigid restrictions as you.

You need seperate finances with the joint account only being for bills, and you need to talk properly about this without judgment. He hid his spending from you because he is scared of your reaction and in your position I would want to fix that before apportioning blame.

Obviously there's an issue here that you need to deal with but I thought this was going to be more like £30k than £3k, so can be dealt with and not the end of the world?

I am naturally a spender who responds to treating savings like a bill so I can forget about it. DH is a bit like you in that he likes to be debt free. But When we married I was the one who had savings not him, as I was able to manage my money appropriately into short term, long term, and lifetime goals. While he had nothing to show for him micromanaging every penny.

I think you both need to sit down and discuss money properly. If having expensive coffee every morning is important to him (as it is to me) then he should be able to fit it into his budget. That might mean sacrificing something else he spends money on (eg lunches) or relaxing your savings goals.