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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner's secret debt

41 replies

TheChild · 04/03/2021 12:26

I'm a regular poster but have name changed as this is outing.

I just found out a few days ago that my partner has racked up just shy of £3k on a credit card. I found out about the card when he got it, I knew he got the card to buy my engagement ring. I wasn't too thrilled about him going into debt to buy a ring, but I decided not to mention it as I knew how important it was to him to get me a nice ring (I had always said I would be just as happy with an argos ring!)

He has always been sensible with money, he doesn't buy himself a lot of stuff, so I assumed this card would be getting paid off. I found a statement that showed payments of £75 being made so I stupidly assumed he would be well on his way to clearing the balance.

Fast forward a year I see he left his emails open on our laptop and that there was a recent email from his credit card provider. I shouldn't have snooped, but I was curious to see how far the debt had gone down. This is where I found out that he had been making payments of £75 but then spending on it every month, he even took a cash withdrawal out which I figured out was to use as spending money on the trip we went on when we got engaged. He told me he had been saving to cover these costs which was obviously a lie.

I know in the grand scheme of things this is fixable, and we can afford to pay it off. But its all the lies he has told. For the past year I have been on a journey to be debt free and pay off my credit card and I had a plan to pay it off within the year. I have scrimped and saved, made sacrifices and changed the way I saw money and I thought he was onboard. We have joint finances for everything and all our wages go into one pot. I was so excited to become debt free and to actually have money in the bank but it turns out he had this debt he had no intention to tell me about. We had talked together about what to do with the extra money when the card had been paid off and saving for the things we need instead of getting into debt.

I went through all the statements to see what he had spent the money on. There was the ring, hotel and spending money from when we got engaged. Fair enough I could understand that but he had told me he had saved for the trip. But then there was a couple of food shops (god knows why when we always have money in our account for the shop), multiple transactions to Costa, Greggs, Subway, sometimes more than once a day.

I don't understand why he felt the need to do this when we had the money in our account to pay for these things. There's me taking a packed lunch to work everyday and buying him food and drink for him to take so we can save money and he has been going out for his lunch 3-4 times per week.

I just don't know how I can trust him again when he has lied to me for the past year? I don't know why he didn't feel he could talk to me or discuss the budget together if he felt maybe I was being too tight? I asked him if he felt we needed to increase it to include things like this and he said no, but why then would be spend money on things like that behind my back?

I have seen threads from people who have uncovered £££ worth of debt their partners have hidden so I know this is nothing in comparison, but it's the secrecy and lies he has told me about having a few quid extra in his single account to explain little purchases, when really he was using a credit card.

Sorry I know this is jumbled, I'm still so upset and I know I'm probably overreacting.

OP posts:

oakleystreet · 04/03/2021 15:39

@orangejuicer

"Obviously there's an issue here that you need to deal with but I thought this was going to be more like £30k than £3k, so can be dealt with and not the end of the world?"

I would say that 3k is just as serious as 30k.
Getting to 3k through lies and burying your head in the sand is how you get to 30k

OhAnotherNameChange · 04/03/2021 15:40

@NoSquirrels

Then I see that he had actually used the credit card to buy it and it was more than he told me it cost. To me I just don't understand why he would lie? I knew it was quite expensive and was fine for him to buy it, we had plenty of money in our account to pay for it, so why lie and put it on a credit card?

He lied because you made a big deal about ‘Aldi would be cheaper’, then graciously allowed him to do what he wanted (but he knew you didn’t really approve) and then when he realised it cost even more than he’d estimated (and which you thought was already outrageous) he was ashamed and couldn’t face the conversation.

Greggs, Costa etc - just give each other a bit of disposable in your personal accounts, not the joint account, so it’s not got that feeling of being monitored all the time.

Yes, you need joint financial goals and agreements. But this last year has been pretty shit - small pleasures have felt important at times. Forgive him but learn from this and adjust a little, both of you. It’s fine for you to feel upset he was t on the same page when you were scrimping and denying yourself. But you also need to take on board that perhaps he doesn’t do as well with rigid restrictions as you.

I see your point, but I actually thought the beef would be about £60 and it was just under £40.

We do have disposable income that is free to spend on whatever we need, it is budgeted but it is there. It just turns out he hadn't been using it, he had been spending on the card instead. So the money that he could have used, I put into our savings instead.

I am willing to adjust and even asked him if he felt we should increase the weekly budget and he said no. This was after we had talked about this credit card debt, I don't mind spending a bit more but he told me we didn't need to. Which clearly isn't true.

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 04/03/2021 15:41

Does he have much spending money for himself after he’s paid his contribution to bills etc?

aboutbloodytime123 · 04/03/2021 15:46

Was he actually on board with the spending plan? I would feel a bit put out if my partner started telling me I wasn't allowed to buy myself a coffee on the way to work or whatever. I know they add up but they're hardly huge extravagances Perhaps in his head by using his credit card he was avoiding the guilt of using "family money" or you being cross with him about it when you saw it on the statement?

OhAnotherNameChange · 04/03/2021 15:49

@NeedToGetOuttaHere

Does he have much spending money for himself after he’s paid his contribution to bills etc?

We have a weekly budget of £125 which is basically for anything we need, but if one of us needs something that would take us over that budget we can just take some money from the bills account. Eg new clothes

Maybe thats the mistake I'm making and we should have separate accounts for personal spends. I don't want him to feel like I'm monitoring him and I guess he must feel that way. I will discuss it with him tonight, I just want him to be honest with me. Sometimes I think he must think I'm some awful dragon woman who wants to control everything

Original poster

TheChild · 04/03/2021 15:52

Bloody name change fail

OP posts:

kooked · 04/03/2021 15:53

3k isn't a ridiculous amount of debt for a working adult - if that's all it is.
It really depends if he's being reckless with it, ie: only making minimum payments and also spending on the card so the debt goes up and gets worse - that's when it becomes a problem.
If he's lying about it too, that is also a massive trust issue but if it's just the debt alone I think people can put their LTB's back in their pockets!

Can you look at a loan to cover the full amount? If you can get a low interest loan it's almost certainly going to cost less in the long run than the monthly interest on a CC.

honeylulu · 04/03/2021 15:55

You don't sound suited financially. Think hard about marrying. There could be a lifetime of this escalating. If you have kids and are on ML/SAHM without an income this could be horrendous.

If there was a good or one off reason for it (I got into debt in my 20s to put myself through law school for example) that might be different but constant daily frittering "because he deserves it" is actually more worrying.

He thinks he deserves more treats than you (and as agreed). Do you really want to marry a man who thinks he's superior?
And he's deceived you for a whole year. You've been lovingly preparing his lunch and drinks for work every day and it sounds like he's just been binning it as soon as he turns the corner to get himself a Costa and a greggs, TWICE a day. Like a smirking teenager!

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 04/03/2021 15:57

Yes I think you need to talk and make sure you’re on the same page and work out a compromise. He may not want to save at the same rate you want to save and would prefer more coffees etc and to save less.

TheNorthWind · 04/03/2021 16:11

@honeylulu

You don't sound suited financially. Think hard about marrying. There could be a lifetime of this escalating. If you have kids and are on ML/SAHM without an income this could be horrendous.

This is good advice, OP. Different attitudes to finances is not good.

At the worst extreme, if you are cautious and he is a spendthrift then there are only two ways it plays out:

He spends and spends while you go without to try to cover the shortfall. If you can't cut back enough, he bankrupts you both.
You nag him constantly and monitor his spending whilst feeling completely unreasonable, controlling and abusive. Meanwhile he feels resentful and yet still fritters away anything he can get his hands on.

And if you're really lucky, you go through an endless cycle of rotating the two through the years.

Look very carefully at this and at who he truly is. Don't tether yourself to a man who will always be pulling in the opposite direction to you financially.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/03/2021 16:18

You need to ditch the joint account and both pay your fair share of bills. Then you can both do what you want with your own cash. Buying an engagement ring on credit would have been a red flag to me.

ErickBroch · 04/03/2021 16:40

Yes this isn't good but honestly I think you seem very, very controlling with money. I saw someone say leave him, but I wouldn't leave my DP if he did this, I would just want to understand why and then talk about how he plans on fixing it.

ErickBroch · 04/03/2021 16:42

@Justmuddlingalong buying a ring with credit is a red flag? My DP bought mine on a 0% card and paid it off in 4 months. Credit can be used responsibly!

Justmuddlingalong · 04/03/2021 16:45

But OP's didn't. So yes, it can be a red flag.

38greenbottles · 04/03/2021 16:54

I'm surprised at the posters who go, "oh it's not that bad".
To me this... Is really not a good sign.
You have joint finances, you were going without, and instead of mucking in for you and your child, instead of getting up and making himself a sodding sandwich for 50p, he's spending pounds and pounds and pounds on ... Rubbish.

People can be otherwise lovely and this is heartbreaking, but if there's no trust, no respect, there's different views about money... Long-term the relationship just cannot last.

I would definitely call off any marriage plans. I do realize how torn you must feel if he's otherwise kind and sweet. But if I were your auntie I would suggest that he would be best as a friend and ex, deeply upsetting as that idea is. I'm so sorry. But staying with someone expecting them to change is a doomed strategy.

billy1966 · 04/03/2021 17:50

OP,
This is NOT on you.

Well done for clearing your debt.

MN is full of threads about the misery of money problems.

Money is a huge part of a relationship.
Being on the same page.

He has lied to you, unnecessarily for a whole year.

Despite your sacrifices he has felt it is ok to spend money on silly things when you were both supposed to be working towards something.

You have children already?
So he has lied to his family.

I think it is a huge breach of trust.

Trust in a relationship is a very delicate thing IMO. When it is gone it is gone.

What you now know is that he can lie to you easily for no reason, that he is not on the same page as you re shared goals and that you can't trust him with money.

These are huge issues to have before entering marriage.

I certainly wouldn't go ahead with a wedding under these circumstances.

Such a pity when you write that he is such a nice fellow.

Financial deceit can cause such heartache.

Be very careful.

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