Stepping back from my oldest friend

[couchparsnip]

I need some advice on this please.
I don't know how to approach this- Firstly, I need to know if I made the right decision to step back from an old friend of 20 years (let's call her Nina) in part because of behaviour after our mutual friend (let's call her Anne) died suddenly.

At the time I put it all down to grief but now I have some perspective and considering what she's like before and since I think its time to move on.

The main thing was what I consider selfishness. She would not entertain the idea that anyone else other than the two of us had a close relationship with Anne, which was just not true, she was very popular. A neighbour of Anne's wanted to be a pall-bearer and my friend was horrified at this. She also demanded that we were made admins of the Facebook memorial group that a work colleague had set up and moaned to me about how 'fake' everyone's grief was. As if only ours was real. I kind of get that and put it down to the shock and grief. I didn’t feel comfortable about it all but was going through grief myself so didn't really pay too much attention at the time.

Then Nina turned on me when we were clearing out Anne's house. Anne's father had showed Nina round and she had taken a few things as mementoes - all fine.Later that week, I was helping to box things up for the charity shop - the family clearly wanted rid of things quickly so I took books and a few other bits of Anne's . Nina was put out about this and a bit childish I thought. She talked to Anne's brother while I was there, ignoring me, saying things like "I would never just take things, I'm not like that". "I'm not grabby like that". Clearly aimed as a dig at me. Anne's brother didn't really reply and commented to me privately that he thought Nina was a bit off - she'd been invited to take whatever she wanted already!

At the time I put it down to grief, I was all over the place myself. I brought all of the books to her house the next day so she could pick what she wanted. She took a couple, but didn't apologise for her 'off' comments. I let it go because of the situation.

Now I'm not sure I should have.
It's not just that though- she's always been quite negative. I used to often spend time listening to her talk about how someone had been awful to her and I would tend to ask her to look at things from their perspective and see the other side. Often it was a misunderstanding on her part. She might think someone had been talking about her 'behind her back'. That sort of thing.

It's quite exhausting, talking to her, it's always negative and I just feel like a counsellor. It's not a mutual thing any more. She's not interested in hearing about my kids or.my job and we might speak for 5 mins about that and get back to her.

She's asked for us to meet up and I've just put her off and said I'm busy. I will have to answer eventually. What do I say to her? I feel like I owe her an explanation but really don'twant to continue the friendship at the same level. I don't feel like she will take any of this on board though and I think I'll be the next person she's talking about.

It's making me anxious to think about it and I would rather just hide but I know I'll have to face her eventually - we both are still in contact with Anne's family.
Am I being mean to Nina here? What should I do?

Sorry this is long and if you got to the end.Thanks!

It’s complicated, isn’t it? Has her behaviour changed over the course of your friendship, or has the loss of Anne manifested all sorts of things that were there all along? How much of her (and your) behaviour is grief? Has covid/this time had an effect (it seems to have done all sorts to friendships like other relationships)? How much time has passed since other friend’s death?

I think allowing the situation to breath a bit, with less contact, wouldn’t hurt.

I think some breathing space is a good idea but is she quite full on?

You say this "I feel like I owe her an explanation but really don'twant to continue the friendship at the same level. I don't feel like she will take any of this on board though and I think I'll be the next person she's talking about"

If you decide to end the friendship then I'd be brief and vague and say you just don't feel you are a good fit. She may be the next person you talk about. I've ended friendships and I've had people end them. It is painful but you can't keep on if someone drains you so much.

I do think people say all kinds of things when grieving and don't even remember saying them afterwards though.

@EssentialHummus

It’s complicated, isn’t it? Has her behaviour changed over the course of your friendship, or has the loss of Anne manifested all sorts of things that were there all along? How much of her (and your) behaviour is grief? Has covid/this time had an effect (it seems to have done all sorts to friendships like other relationships)? How much time has passed since other friend’s death?

I think allowing the situation to breath a bit, with less contact, wouldn’t hurt.

Thanks for replying. I think she's always been like this but perhaps I've changed and she hasn't. She doesn't have kids so we've diverged there. Anne was the glue that kept us together I think, and now she's not there, the differences are more obvious.

I think you have hit the nail in the head. Anne was the glue keeping the three of you together in friendship. Without Anne, it is inevitable that things will unravel.

You are wise to step back. But perhaps you should be somewhat straight with Nina, without competely burning bridges. Tell Nina that you have found Anne's passing very difficult and need some time and space to grieve. A good friend will respect your wishes.

On not in!

@CagneyNYPD

I think you have hit the nail in the head. Anne was the glue keeping the three of you together in friendship. Without Anne, it is inevitable that things will unravel.

You are wise to step back. But perhaps you should be somewhat straight with Nina, without competely burning bridges. Tell Nina that you have found Anne's passing very difficult and need some time and space to grieve. A good friend will respect your wishes.

I agree with this

I would take this opportunity to say that Anne's death has knocked you sideways and you'd like to spend any free time with your children and DH for the foreseeable future. I would guess that other people know what she's like and won't pay any attention if she does bad mouth you.

@CagneyNYPD has pretty much summed up how I would suggest dealing with Nina at the moment.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I recently got some grief counselling and one of my takeaways was it is very important to remove stress.

Removing Nina in a confrontational way will be stressful - you'll be doubting yourself, feeling guilty - but doing nothing will too. I think taking the approach of just telling you're you are stepping away without laying blame at her feet will give you relief. One short, neutral message, I'd probably finish with "I'm sure you understand" so there is no suggestion she's not also grieving. Also I would send it and not enter into any back and forth about it afterwards. If she takes the hump that is unfortunate but you are your priority in your grief, not her.

And please remember you are grieving, it's not an excuse. Maybe in time you won't want to have burned bridges, you might feel differently.

I just spotted @Sarahlou63 suggestion there, this is perfect too IMO.

Thanks for the suggestion and sorry I didn't make it clear. Anne's death was over 2 years ago. So asking for time and space to grieve won't seem that genuine after this much time. I've already taken the time and space and because of the virus, Nina has respected it up to now.

It's beginning to get awkward and I can't avoid her forever - so I feel I need to make it clear I'm stepping back without hurting her feelings.

Personally if it is a very long friendship I would have it out with her. If she doesn't take anything on board, she won't be surprised if you take a major step back and you will feel better that you had given her the chance to modify her behavior
I do feel people on this site are too quick to throw away friendships without at least trying to resolve things. You never know what might happen in the future where you might be glad of her and there is a comfort and ease generally with someone you know for a v long time, despite her obvious faults. People say all sorts of things, especially in the throws of grief
I wouldn't ghost her of phase her out.

In that case OP I would adjust the suggested wording and say that the pandemic has made you reflect on how short life is and that you're spending much more time concentrating on your immediate family and prioritising them above anything else.

Then I'd ghost the Performance Mourner, I can't be doing with shite like that.

Grief Thief ... its a thing 🌺

Why worry about her feelings? She clearly doesn't give a fuck about yours or Anne's family's feelings. Leech central, I would seriously tell her to never contact me again and block. But then I've known some right nutters and had to do that. Friendship is earned by both sides. Length of time you know them is really irrelevant.

Go with what @EvenMoreFuriousVexation suggested.

Yes, in that case, go with the suggestion from @EvenMoreFuriousVexation but do be prepared for hurt feelings.

She's just text "I don't understand what I've done to offend you". Probably because I've put off replying.
I was planning to reply:
I think we have grown apart lately. Anne's death has made things come to a head for
and because of that I am stepping back from the friendship. Sorry.

It will hurt her feelings and I'll probably have to put up with some backlash. Should I send it?

*come to a head for me
Missed a word out there.

I think you need to be ready to explain why you're stepping back. Alluding to reasons but not giving them is a headf**k and she's an old friend so its going to be worse for her. She'll probably end up questioning whether you were ever her friend.

I agree in stepping back from her, but you owe her an explanation.

She doesn't sound like a good friend and I think @CagneyNYPD has made a very good suggestion.

I cannot stand people who make digs and her dig at you re Anne's books was extremely nasty.
For that alone I would be unimpressed.

I think with Anne gone she could be even more clingy towards you, whilst having actually zero interest in you.

A wise move to pull back decisively now.
Life is just too bloody short.

Sorry for your loss.

Don't explain yourself OP... you do not owe anyone explanations ...

Block her and grieve your friend 🌺

How are you doing @couchparsnip? You are absolutely right to send a message to draw a line under the friendship. Have you messaged her yet?

Thanks for the flowers and condolences. Anne was special and I miss her a lot. After she died we found out exactly how much volunteering for good causes she had done. It was incredible!
Anyway.
No I haven't sent a message to Nina. I keep composing them and then not sending them. I didn't sleep well last night worrying so I need to sort this out and draw a line under it but am being really chicken about it.

No

What do you get out of your friendship with her? Because from what I hear she sounds self centred and not a nice person.

I have a friend who is selfish and talks more about herself than me. But she is fun and has always been there for me when I've needed her so I'd rather put up with some of her less nice aspects of her personality to still have her in my life.

So Nina doesn't know for sure what is happening in your life right? But is still making it all about her, "I dont know what I've done to offend you"?

That gives you some room to push her away without buying in to her self pitying crap.

Something like:

Not sure why you would ask if I've offended you. But I do have a lot of personal things going on which are taking up my time. I miss Anne and on reflection I wonder how she would feel about the aftermath of her passing, and I feel perhaps we didn't do her memory justice. Between those thoughts and current issues I'm not feeling very sociable right now. I hope you understand.

I wonder if Nina was trying to bond with you, over the death of Anne, regards her saying other people were being fakes and such, to acknowledge your combined closeness, and it didn't quite come off the way she wanted it to? I'm also wondering if you've misconstrued her saying 'I'm not grabby like that' as being a dig towards you when it actually wasn't at all? If the three of you were close friends, a triplet, and Anne was a buffer for Nina's negativity, then when the triplet becomes 'twins' it means there's a hole, that buffer has gone, and both of you have to redefine the parameters of your relationship. But, well... also, could it be that you're looking for find a reason to dismiss Nina because you miss Anne so much and Nina just isn't Anne? Twenty years is a long time to spend with somebody you don't really like. Maybe you need to have a good word with her, and tell her straight that it's not all about 'her', and you need more from a friend than what she's giving you? That at least gives her a chance to be a better friend and after that, if she doesn't make the effort, then you can bin her off?