DS10 making my life a hell

[Lena007]

Please can you share some ideas with me, I'm loosing the will to live. What can I do with 10 year old DS who absolutely doesn't listen and finds it funny to watch me struggling with his behaviour?

I have left his dad nearly 2 years ago (women's aid involved etc). He spends most time at his dad's and only gets to see me every alternate weekend and one night per week. I'm having to go through courts to get more access but it takes forever. ExH will not share custody so that we parent DS 50-50.

DS's behaviour is deteriorating and it makes my life a hell when he is here. He refuses to have a shower, refuses to do school assignments, refuses to brush his teeth, refuses to go out anywhere if he is not in a mood. He would just sit on a sofa and with the smile on his face says ' Nope, I'm not doing that, you can't make me!'. I then repeat what I asked for, many times. Then I get frustrated. I see he is clearly having fun at watching me get frustrated and upset and will not cooperate. He would sit there and whistle with a smile on his face.

I tried all sorts of stuff. Talking, explaining, minimising screen time, banning YouTube, games, taking a phone off him. Nothing works.

I have told him last night I will need to take him to counselling because his behaviour is just off the scale and his answer was 'Nope, I'm not going to see anyone. You can't make me!'

If there is something he wants of me and I say no, he follows me around the house, step by step saying he wants it and he wants it, actually demanding it.

It feels like he wants to dominate everything, I actually don't know any more what to do with him. I'm lost. How can I make him to even go to the shop, go for a walk?

Well it is clearly related to the fact that he lives with your abusive ex and doesn't see you very much.

Why is this the set up?

Hi, I think you have a complex situation and need some advice from those who understand because if you required support from Women's Aid and your son is mostly with his father, things may be tricky.

This sounds a really hard situation for you . Women's Aid might know good sources of advice for your specific situation.

Hello op,
I dont think I'm going to be much help, my ds is almost 7, and finding his voice.
Unfortunately I was very nieve (sorry if I spell things wrong not had much sleep) when I split with DS father, my son was almost 3, my ex was a good man and we had a lovely relationship- fast forward 4 years and my ex is with his affair partner.
She has her own child, another that is thier own, and one on the way.
Over the years I dont recognise my ex anymore, he has totally changed. I feel for you with half time parenting. Mine was my own doing.
When my son comes to me (we do one week with me, one with father) his behaviour can be quite difficult - we have started to sit him down on his first day at our house and explain to him, in a calm and controlled manner, that these are the rules at mummy's (eg. No interrupting adults, answering back won't be tolerated, no stopping off- always talk to mummy - or my partner- if you feel frustrated etc)
He has such a double life living 50/50, I understand your pain. At his dads DS has siblings, he comes to mine and there's only him.
Hes starting to question why he lives this way, and sometimes he acts out.
It's understandable, my only advice is to explain to your child, the rules of you house, and put them into practice.
I also make small achievable things for my dc - eg. Help mummy make dinner, clean out our animals, walk to the shops, we also litterpick in our area (know that not for everybody) but things that give him a sense of self and importance at mummy's house.

I really think you need to lay down "ground Rules" at your house, same as I do for my DS, but also give them room to grow, and achieve.

I've no idea if any of this advice helps, but I feel your pain having 50/50, imo, it only gets harder the older they get.

@NovemberR
ExH forced this set up. I had moved out from our matrimonial home due to abuse myself and DS were subject to. ExH then came to the place where we were going to live and took the child off me. Kept him in the home until he got temp child residence order due to the fact he didn't want DS to move out from his family home. There was one court case at which it was decided I can see DS on every alternate weekends and one night a week until next court case is held with witnesses. Court was of opinion it is not in child's best interest to be removed from his family home. The next court case was meant to happen last year but due to covid it got cancelled. I'm trying to get a date fixed again.

Sorry op, I've just re-read your first post and i can feel your sadness and frustration.. its so hard isn't it, until someone lives 50/50, I don't think anyone can understand how difficult it is.
I think (and I dont want to sound patronising) but please try and remember you child is still just a child. Life is so difficult for them living 50/50, I have to remind myself of this all the time when my DS acts out, unfortunately now, my ex and I have very different parenting styles and very different households, and because of his partner our communication is terrible.
Like you, I'm sure, if I could do it over I wouldnt choose this life for my DS.
I can actually see myself in a few years writing your exact post.
I have also seen my DS acting out, and it might be the confusion of having two households.
I dont know if this will help, and it sounds a bit "woo" but at bedtime we have started doing a kids meditation on YouTube. It only takes 5 minutes of our time, sometimes he joins in, sometimes he doesn't, but he sees mummy relaxing, dealing with emotions and 'resting'
It makes a quiet space at mummy's house to talk if needs be. Usually he will talk about daddy's house, or what he misses when he's with mummy, but gives us a positive space.
It might sound silly, and you DC might hate it, but I would recommend to just do it anyway... you never know If your DC will suddenly feel the safe space to talk to you.
His negative attitude is nothing to do with you, it's the confusion he feels, its so difficult when you feel you are being the best you can be but having it thrown in your face. I feel it so much, but I have had to learn, how hard it must be for the child living this strange life where nothing is truly stable.

Like I said, I've no idea if this helps. Just want you to know, you are not alone.

What a mess.

He has learned this behaviour. I wouldn't insist on anything. Shock him. Don't want to brush your teeth? Shrug. Don't want to do school work? Shrug.

Obviously that can't go on forever, because he has to brush his teeth, do school work. But you could try and reset the mood.

Explain to him, that your home, is a home full of love and respect. Tell him that you love and respect him. And that this is the vibe in your house. Tell him that he is old enough to brush his own teeth without nagging. And be a bit breezy about things.

For a good few visits. Don't make plans, just be ready for him when he comes and sit next to him on the sofa. What are you whistling? I recognise that. I can whistle that too. And do it.

He is being fed bullshit, and he's a kid with no way of knowing what's actually the truth. So all you can do at this stage is show him love. Don't sweat the small stuff.

In a few weeks, you should be able to reintroduce the boundaries, but in the meantime, shake it up. Do things differently.

And keep hounding the courts for the date so you can get this fixed longer term.

[quote Lena007]@NovemberR
ExH forced this set up. I had moved out from our matrimonial home due to abuse myself and DS were subject to. ExH then came to the place where we were going to live and took the child off me. Kept him in the home until he got temp child residence order due to the fact he didn't want DS to move out from his family home. There was one court case at which it was decided I can see DS on every alternate weekends and one night a week until next court case is held with witnesses. Court was of opinion it is not in child's best interest to be removed from his family home. The next court case was meant to happen last year but due to covid it got cancelled. I'm trying to get a date fixed again.[/quote]
To be honest, imo, it doesn't matter how you came to having 50/50.
Mine was through feeling the "father for justice" movement, years ago, had rights and stupidly believing my ex H and I would "always be friends"
Now I watch his affair partner, who is quite unstable, and dislikes me, makes things very difficult bring up my only son.

Unfortunately, everybody has a story with how shared parenting came to be, but all that matter is the wellbeing of the child. Not the ins and outs of how it came to be.

This sounds so hard for you OP, a really tough situation. It sounds like DS is loving your distress... seeing how upset you can be with one sentence, repeated over and over. We need to find a way for you to win... still be kind but reassert yourself as the one in control. I feel his behaviour has been led/suggested by his dad, so DS is likely firing emotional bullets actually loaded by his DF.
Firstly, gather yourself, and try to gain control over your reactions... ask something once only.. then if no response tell him calmly ‘You are a good person, this isn’t behaviour I expect from you. You are old enough to know better and make better choices. Please think about this, I’m here if you need me’. Then ignore him for a while, get on and do something interesting for you-even better if it’s something he would find interesting too. Make sure TV won’t work (cut plug off if needed) no video games, let him sit on the sofa and get bored while you go about your business in the garden or whatever. I hope the boredom and knowing he can’t fluster you will make him tired of his games and start to come around.
That and leave a laptop with pictures of dental decay on there... worked quite quickly with my kids, yep ok sure you can choose not to brush your teeth-but this is where you’re headed-your choice!

You may have already tried all this but just an idea, good luck op xx

Hi, this isn't anywhere near 50/50 ,I don't understand why it is described in this way. As he is only with you for a little time I would back off from almost all demands , it doesn't sit right but I think for those few days it won't do any harm. Focus on having fun and breaking down the barriers and try to relax. He is I am sure hurt and confused,sad and angry. I assume he hasn't even got the usual support at school. I would try and lighten the mood, go with it and hopefully things might improve over time.

So many good ideas from other posters too, op.
Try everything.
My Ds has taken to saying he's bored too. I tell him it's good to be bored. Use your imagination, then I leave him to it.

Think when you were a child, regularly we were "bored" before computer games, before parents always being ready to be there.
Don't be afraid to let them be bored, or act out. Sometimes the best thing to do is ignore the behaviour and let them get through it.
I also do this regularly with DS.

He's trying to get a rise out of you. He may blame you for the split (have you sat him down and explained why you had to leave?) or he may be feeling insecure and is trying to see how far he can push you.

All behaviour is communication. With a kid in my class who was suddenly acting out, I'd probably sit down opposite them somewhere quiet and talk about it. Say something along the lines of, 'Something is bothering you, I can tell. You're a really nice, kind young man and I know you don't enjoy making people upset, so something must be wrong for you to be acting like this. Want to tell me what it is?' Tone of voice is very important; you're aiming for sympathetic, calm, speaking slowly, open body language. Don't attempt this when you're worked up, or when he is.

And when he says no, I'd probably say something like, 'Well, I've known you for a very long time and I think that you're a bit upset. Am I right?' And from there, 'I think maybe you're upset because of something to do with your dad and I not living together anymore- am I on the right lines?'

It's easier for them to give yes and no answers, kind of like emotional twenty questions but much softer. I find going soft and sympathetic when they're expecting you to try and force the issue surprises them and makes you more likely to get somewhere with it. Just let the issue at hand drop entirely and focus on the underlying problem.

I think he’s obviously a very unhappy young boy. In his mind you walked out on him, and he is left with his father. I don’t know if your son witnessed any abuse toward you or has experienced any first hand. But it sounds like to me, in my totally unqualified opinion, that he is pushing you, testing you. He believes you don’t love him enough, anymore. He is seeking proof and in a warped childish way, by trying to get you to hate him. Even though what he really is saying is he loves you and he is angry you left him. Of course he is also mimicking his father too.

I don’t know if it’s worth recording the way he speaks to you, and using it as evidence in court/carcass? Even if just to push for some counselling for him.

I don’t think you can fix this alone and you are going to need some help.

Keep pushing the courts. Sometimes they need a kick up the arse.

I'd back off entirely. He is only with you for one weekend each fortnight - there really isn't anything to be gained from insisting on school assignments ( which he should be doing at his father's place since he is there most of the time). And refusing to shower / brush teeth for a couple of days is no biggie. Relax and try to have some fun with him, play computer games with him instead of banning them as a punishment.
And I wouldn't suggest threatening him with counselling - he is right that he doesn't "have" to go , so I'd just leave it. Show him some good times ,and stop trying to control him for the limited times that you do see him .

@Lena007

I had a Very strong feeling that your ex husband attitudes/ways are definitely influencing your son strongly and i think its deliberate on the part of ex husband.

(My gut emotion instinct was telling me this was the case,even before I saw your next post op.

I also feel that your son is very confused about this different relatively new wish family dynamics set up.
(especially with his fathers new family set dynamics,
too much ,too soon

Your son has had to do some serious adapting in a short space of time.

Is there any good supportive male role models on your side of the family op?

Have you got any brothers or any uncles or your father could help out here, in as much as being a better male role etc.

If there is no good supportive male role models on your side of the family?

is there any of his fathers side of his family?

either of them could also provide a reasuring presence in his life,if they become more involved,such as playing football with him or board games or taking him out on day trips for e g fishing ect op?

Also he definitely needs structure in his life.
(even though their is /or will be a push back on your sons part.

Is there any cousins in your family or his fathers side family who are of similar ages or would be a good influence on your son if they are older cousins?

I also think your son is testing your boundaries as he feels he was rejected by yourself,cause he was split up from you to live with his father.

He is hurt and very angry and confused and takes this out on yourself.
which is obviously very difficult for you at times.op

(Try to make the limited time he spends with you as fun times even though it obviously at the moment a struggle.

Don't let it become a constant battle,

also rember he could also be struggling with our lockdowns restraints too

@starrynight21

I'd back off entirely. He is only with you for one weekend each fortnight - there really isn't anything to be gained from insisting on school assignments ( which he should be doing at his father's place since he is there most of the time). And refusing to shower / brush teeth for a couple of days is no biggie. Relax and try to have some fun with him, play computer games with him instead of banning them as a punishment. And I wouldn't suggest threatening him with counselling - he is right that he doesn't "have" to go , so I'd just leave it. Show him some good times ,and stop trying to control him for the limited times that you do see him .

I disagree with this. Kids thrive on boundaries and those acting out will continue to seek them until they come across some. If you stop insisting on him brushing his teeth, he's likely to find something else to do to aggravate you and the behaviour will escalate. Additionally, how on earth is a court going to award 50/50 contact to OP when her ex can inform the court that her son's basic hygiene needs aren't even met when they're together? I doubt they'd take, 'But he didn't want to do it,' as much of an excuse.

Pick your battles. If he doesn't want to brush his teeth then so be it.

He has no control over his life at the minute, no everything is up in the air for him. Maybe he is exercising that bit of control he does have in the form of refusing simple requests.
If they are all simple requests like teeth brushing and school work - ultimately only affecting him, then I'd let him. Just say "okay then, it's your teeth. I personally like to look after mine so that they stay healthy. But if you don't want to then that is your choice"

Its difficult when kids hit this stage because when requests are ignored, we as parents feel like we are being defied and ignored and feel we are losing control. That makes us want to reign things in and regain control, and it becomes a battle of wills. A tug of war. Release the rope for things that aren't too important. I know school work and hygiene are, but if it's only a couple of days he will survive.

Release the rope for things that aren't too important. I know school work and hygiene are, but if it's only a couple of days he will survive.

Except OP is petitioning the court to increase contact to 50/50, so does need to show she can make sure her ten year old's educational and personal hygiene needs are met.

Yes and if she was planning on allowing him to carry on not brushing his teeth or being educated long term, I'd understand it being used against her. But not as a parenting tactic being tried out to try and help her child who is currently struggling.

@TheChip

Yes and if she was planning on allowing him to carry on not brushing his teeth or being educated long term, I'd understand it being used against her. But not as a parenting tactic being tried out to try and help her child who is currently struggling.

Not brushing his teeth isn't going to make him struggle less. And how long would you allow it for?

He's too young to be given a shrug and a casual warning he may get cavities. Consistency is key with kids and, no matter what personal struggles they've got going on, they can't just not brush their teeth two days a week. To be honest if a kid in my class had a parent who didn't ensure they washed and brushed their teeth, I'd be reporting to the safeguarding lead- it's neglect. And I doubt the court would want to award more custody to someone who looks like they can't even cover the basics for two days a week.

With hygiene, the OP is right to keep the expectations there.

Thank you for all the tips and drawing the situation from different perspectives. I'm sat with pen and paper taking notes of what to do next.

@ChameleonClara - never thought of that! I'm going to phone women's aid today to find out whether there is anything they can help with. There was a lady from women's aid seeing DS just after we split, she used to come to school but after a few meetings DS told her he is fine so she stopped.

@UltimateBlends - I'm so sorry you are going through this Good advise on not going 50:50. It is completely different living, I try to structure days, routine, time spent together where when he is at his dad he is on netflix and xbox majority of the time. Small achievable things sound brilliant, will try to come up with some ideas for the weekend. Kids meditation - do you recommend any particular channel on youtube?

@DonLewis - If I let him not to do homework I will be having exH using this in court, so there are certain things I can not let go. But nobody ever died from not having a shower or not brushing teeth everyday! Good idea to shake things up completely and do not react the way he wants.

@TangerineGreen - you're spot on with the fact DS seems to love my distress and seeing me upset. Letting him getting bored and not reacting to his acting may be a way forward. I have tried this and every time when I do that he follows me around the house moaning and basically doesn't leave me alone for 2 seconds. Even if I tell him to back off and leave me alone in my bedroom, he will not do that. It almost feels like he is trying to intimidate me by using his body to restrict my moves if it makes sense.

@Sleepingdogs12 - I cant really do that, exH will use it in the court to prove the child is neglected when he is here and he doesn't homework, doesn't wash. It comes down even to going to a park for a walk, fresh air, some fun on scooter, playground, the answer to everything is 'no'. I don't want to end up being locked in my own house for all the days when DS is here and letting him to dictate all the rules. The only things he wants to do is watching tv or playing games. Does not want to play board games, no toys, doesn't want to hear about arts and crafts. As long as I can let him to do what he wants one weekend this can not happen all the time.

@WineInTheWillows - extremely helpful post, thank you. He does blame me for the split. We talked about it so many times, I have explained it all to him and he does seem to understand. He knows that the fact I only spend so many days with him was not my choice and I'm doing everything to sort this out.

@Fucket - the thought of DS thinking I have walked out on him brakes my heart but I can understand kids see things from completely different perspective. I didn't think of him trying to get me to hate him as a way of wanting confirmation of love.

@thosetalesofunexpected - exH not in close contact with family except of his father who lives with him and is looking after DS when his dad is at work. These are only two people DS spends time with. ExH's father is as difficult as exH and lots of arguments between them two over the years we have been together. Two strong characters never willing to compromise and wanting to have their own way.

Do you have contact with his school? Perhaps you can get some support from them regarding his behaviour, since refusing to do school work is something they should be concerned about. They may have some suggestions for you once they know the background.

I'd find images of unclean teeth online and show him. Tell him you love him and don't want this to happen to him, as it will end in a lot of pain and affect his life. I just googled some and they're horrible.

Do you know how he behaves in school?
It sounds like he's lost respect for you through what he's seen while you were with his dad.

Do you think his dad tells him to misbehave?

I meant to ask, do you have family members that your son respects or gets on with? Could they talk to him?

I think you do need to speak to the school and seek professional help. It sounds as if he is living in an abusive environment with his father and grandfather and is modelling their behaviour in order to survive.

You say his father would accuse you of neglect - are social services involved or any other professional group with your son because they need to be

Do you have a solicitor for the court case? Maybe also speak to them

I don't think anyone is saying don't insist on teeth cleaning for ever and a day. Just to try to reset things a bit. You still apply natural consequences so 'sorry no sweets or fizzy drinks' because you haven't cleaned your teeth etc but just have fewer expectations in general. I can see the dilemma of being accused of neglect by your ex but you need to try something different for a while.