DS10 making my life a hell

[Lena007]

Please can you share some ideas with me, I'm loosing the will to live. What can I do with 10 year old DS who absolutely doesn't listen and finds it funny to watch me struggling with his behaviour?

I have left his dad nearly 2 years ago (women's aid involved etc). He spends most time at his dad's and only gets to see me every alternate weekend and one night per week. I'm having to go through courts to get more access but it takes forever. ExH will not share custody so that we parent DS 50-50.

DS's behaviour is deteriorating and it makes my life a hell when he is here. He refuses to have a shower, refuses to do school assignments, refuses to brush his teeth, refuses to go out anywhere if he is not in a mood. He would just sit on a sofa and with the smile on his face says ' Nope, I'm not doing that, you can't make me!'. I then repeat what I asked for, many times. Then I get frustrated. I see he is clearly having fun at watching me get frustrated and upset and will not cooperate. He would sit there and whistle with a smile on his face.

I tried all sorts of stuff. Talking, explaining, minimising screen time, banning YouTube, games, taking a phone off him. Nothing works.

I have told him last night I will need to take him to counselling because his behaviour is just off the scale and his answer was 'Nope, I'm not going to see anyone. You can't make me!'

If there is something he wants of me and I say no, he follows me around the house, step by step saying he wants it and he wants it, actually demanding it.

It feels like he wants to dominate everything, I actually don't know any more what to do with him. I'm lost. How can I make him to even go to the shop, go for a walk?

Have you spoken to the school? Call them and ask to urgently speak to the SENCO. They should help you. Is he keeping up with school grades? If not, with this behaviour push for parental alienation and bad parenting and ask for removal from his father’s custody. You really need to speak to the SENCO, through them CAMHS and a solicitor. Have you got a solicitor?

I would agree with contacting the school and WA. I think his Dad is teaching and encouraging this as a way of continuing his abuse of you. How awful for you and obviously your son will be affected by his father's awful behaviour and by his treatment of you.

For now I would try to remember that this is most likely his father speaking and distract him when he is being demanding by doing nice things with him during his time with you, and lots of loving gestures to treat him like the little boy that he still is. Get some support for both of you because this is awful, I don't know how you've coped.

Research therapeutic parenting and join the facebook page. It's for children who've experienced trauma

@SandyY2K - the only person he seems to listen and respect is exH. He does 'like' the rest of family but if has been told anything about his behaviour being out of order he doesnt want to see them/ speak to them any more. He is all nice in school, no issues there.

@Quartz2208 - SS were involved in 2019 after exH said to DS he is going to take his life. I have spoken to the and there were content with the knowledge and plan to leave I have had at the time. SS referred me to WA.

@ruledbynine - I'm just off the phone to school.

I'm waiting for a call back from WA. Spoken to SENCO at school just there. They asked to bring him in for Friday and Monday full days. ExH went ballistic because I have arranged it 'behind his back' as he says and he phoned school to tell the they have to contact him in first instance as he is the residing parent and not to agree anything with me. SENCO was sympathetic but told me to be firm with him and talk to him about respect and all that. She said obv she can't take sides and they do not get involved in home situation. She is away to ask someone else for advice after I told her I was hit by DS and have to threaten him with police every time when he tries to do it again.

I had to change solicitor as the previous one couldn't really care and took forever to do anything (hence we are still in this situation so many months later). So I do have one dealing with it.

Good I would also talk to them about this as well as I think some professional involvement is needed

At least the SENCO is now involved. Tell her you want CAMHS involvement so can they refer you. You are seriously and urgently concerned did your sons educational, mental and physical wellbeing. You want it escalated to the proper educational authorities immediately. You want him assessed. Do you have PR? Parental responsibility? If you do, you are entitled to make school decisions the same as your ex. Keep involving your solicitor. Keep involving the school. They can call meetings with other people. Start and keep the pressure going.

Keep logs of all nasty messages

Remember, everything is in your child’s best interest. His reaction to the school was selfish, all about him and not in your child’s best interest. If the school says he should be in, he acts like that then it’s not child’s best interest. He needs to be back in school. Speak to the solicitor and say what’s been happening and you want to challenge the residency urgently. Your child is being damaged by parental alienation. Parental alienation is now a crime.

I'm so glad your SENCO is now in the picture but I think that this is so complex, that you need more professional help. I hope the school can help with this.
It sounds as if your ex practically bullied you in to this situation and your DS is hitting back because he's understandably hurt and confused.

My heart goes out to you

@ruledbynine - thank you. I'll ask her when she phones back and she said she wanted to speak to me in person at school gate on Monday.

@rainbowstardrops - hopefully we can progress this because by now exH gets away with all he says and does. I worry what outcome there will be in the court and what lies he is going to tell everyone

Hopefully i'm wrong but this sounds like a case of parental alienation.

Just reading about the parental alienation. I wasn't aware there is such a thing and that it is named. I thought it is just exH being so difficult trying to penalise me for leaving, DS not coping well with the split and me being rubbish at parenting because I can't handle 10yo.

ExH texted today and said I am a 'poor excuse of a mother' and should not be even called ' a Mother' as clearly I don't give a f### abut DS and never have time for him. He also said that 'they' have a great fun out of me now and it will be a good funny story to tell others afterwards'. It is also my fault he has to work long hours and can't spend time with DS.

How could I have possibly spent more time with DS? I wanted to go 50-50, exH point blank refused. He isn't allowing me to see DS more and I get all blame. I don't even want to think of what lies DS is being fed and what is he going to say in the court.

It seems like it is exH who plays the cards and he gets his own way with me, as DS's mum, having nothing to say. He has been reported to police, WA, SS and no one seems to care.

Thank you for brilliant advice and a kind word x

If he messaged that to you in a text or email, keep it! It is evidence that he is doing the alienation!

Keep that message and all the others too.

I was supported by WA and the domestic team at the police.

Do not put anything in writing that he can use against you. Don't argue back. Don't text back in anger. The only thing you write down is child centric. The arrangements or information

Good luck

I would pick your battles if I was you. For example, I would explain to him that if he doesn't brush his teeth they could go yellow and rot but that's up to him and not argue with him about this.
Same with shower - explain he will smell and the other kids will notice or he might get rashes and itches...but that's up to him.
I'd draw a line at the homework but get his teachers more involved for support.

Parental alienation is very real, OP, your ex is clearly doing that. It's not viewed well by the courts and he is doing himself no favours at all. Keep those texts and log the behaviour but don't engage in his drama and bullshit, of which there'll be a lot more so prepare yourself. Let it wash over you, he will talk crap all day long, just let him dig his own hole. Don't doubt yourself. Your ex is a bully. Concentrate on you, and your son.

He is not thinking of his son but only of himself. Proper, loving fathers know that a child needs 2 parents to love them, and they do what it takes to create a stable life for their child instead of projecting their rage and their failings onto everyone else.

You need to regain a lot of self belief, which your ex has destroyed in his vendetta. You also need a lot of patience with your son, and more confidence in your ability as a mum. I have used a good counsellor who specialises in this area, pm me if you want.

Please also get a new lawyer who knows about these things, or put a metaphorical rocket up the arse of your existing one.

I do have PR. It is just him wanting to be in control of everything and everyone. There is so many nasty messages it is a good idea to start keeping a log of them. I should have thought about ages ago.

I have kept all the messages and have screenshots of them. I don't get involved in arguments with him, ignore a lot of messages but I'm also so affected by them. I know he isn't right but he also knows my weaknesses and what to say to hurt.

@PersimmonTree I hope we get a good judge when it comes to the court case.

I’m honestly think the child is now damaged by his environment and has been damaged by his upbringing. He has seen how his father treated you and is modelling that behaviour. I don’t know how you unravel that. I suspect it would involve years of therapy that would require him to cease being under the control of your ex.

The impression I get from your posts about your son is that he is physically aggressive, domineering, cruel and enjoys seeing pain in others.
We only know about him from what you have said so I’m wondering whether he knows that’s what you think of him. He must sense it.
He is modelling his dads behaviour which is ‘right’ in his dad’s house, it’s not right in your house. He has to adapt , but he has also internalised the message that you are deficient. You are obviously not, it’s part of the ex’s pattern of control and abuse and it is not NOT a reflection of who your son is. This isn’t him. It’s his behaviour. He loves you and needs you and if he senses your dislike of him that will further alienate him.
Your son needs external , unbiased , help ASAP.