Signing kids over to their father?

[Icantcopeanymore678]

Please no judgement I'm really struggling at the moment.

I split with my ltp last year. Since then I have been struggling with mental health issues. My children have been struggling with the split to the point it's affecting my eldest schooling and they have recommended counselling. They cry a lot and get upset as they just want 'their happy family back' and I just I'm no longer able to comfort my own children because it's not me they want. I hate seeing them upset and just feel they would be happier off with their father while I sort myself out. I currently get tax credits, child benefits and housing benefit and I am in temporary homeless accommodation as placed by the council.

If I was to sign them over for a few weeks what will happen to my home/benefits when they come back? Will I lose everything on top of losing the kids? I have family but not close by they are aware of my struggles, but believe I'm doing better but in actual fact it's breaking my heart seeing my kids so upset and not even being able to properly comfort them.

Does anyone have any advice? Please I already feel like the world's worst parent I just need some help and advice.

Do they see their dad now?

You say they don't want you..but isn't it that they want the 2 of you back together?

The effect of a split very much depends on how the parents handle it and reassure the kids.

I personally don't know if you can 'sign them over' as you might find you never get residency again.

Was it an abusive relationship?
Was it an amicable split? Are you coparenting well?

I don't think you can 'sign kids over" to either parent. What are the current arrangements regarding access of the kids to parents and are they informal arrangements?
You haven't given a lot of information but on the face of it, giving 100% care to the other parent on this basis seems a bit drastic. Can't you share more equally and give yourself a bit of a break?

If they're unhappy now, then how do you think they'll be if they don't live with you at all?

No judgement here. These decisions are never made lightly. Have you spoken to their father about this ? I'm afraid that obviously you would initially lose all financial benefits. I am also not sure if you could "sign them over for a few weeks "social services would be heavily involved and what if they or your ex decide not to return the children to you. You don't have to say on here why you split up if you don't want to but social services will definitely want a lot of information before they make a decision .

What ages are they ?
You said your eldest wants 'their happy family back'. Unfortunately whether they live with you or ex this isn't happening.

How supportive are/could your family be ? Maybe try phoning CAB as they will be able to give you information as to what if anything you are/would be entitled to. Sorry things are shit at the moment. 💐

Your ex would be under no obligation to return them to you without a court order. You'd be mad. It will seriously affect your housing status and benefits. Hang in there OP.

The children are bound to find it difficult if you're in temporary accommodation and there's been a lot of sudden change.

Say you let your ex take the dc, what if, in a few weeks, he refuses to let you have them back and you end up the NRP?

I think you should be very careful about what you do now. Is there more support you can ask for? Doctor, SS, school pastoral care team?

If the children become ordinarily resident with their father because you believe that is best then your benefits will be adjusted accordingly, your accommodation may not be available to you as a single person. Better may be to ask him if he can provide respite for a month then towards the end work out what's best

How old are your dc op?

Sorry I haven't been very informative. We split in not the best circumstances but have never let this be seen or anything by the children. I have told him ample times I'm struggling and I get no help from him. He has been away working so has only seen them for about 12 hours since the end of January prior to that was one night a week.

I know I will feel absolutely worse if they go to him but I don't think I'm enough for them I don't feel like I'm making them happy. I do as much as I can to keep them busy etc walks arts and crafts etc I just don't know what to do. I asked him to have them for a little while but he said being self employed if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid so would need everything signed over to him I just feel like I've been left on my own to do everything despite all the promises of being there for me.

Would you have to pay maintenance too?

Does he pay maintenance at the moment?

I’m really confused by what he means about having “everything signed over to him”? I’m guessing you don’t have a custody agreement? Does he mean benefits?

He wants their benefits I am guessing? See your GP before you do anything op... If he has been working away I can't see him swapping that to be a sahp... Your dc do need you. You have been their main carer it seems. Ask your health visitor for support if you have dc under school age. ASK FOR HELP OP.
Sorry you are feeling so rubbish. Relationship breakdowns are tough.

Could you pass him some cash informally if it's for a short time?
It can take weeks and weeks to come through. And if you're hoping he will hand them back and he doesn't want to, him having those benefits will be proof that he is their main carer, possibly.

You must feel absolutely desperate but try and think of other options.

I don't think you can force him to take them, and aside from that, you are their mother and they need you. Your children are no doubt feeling gloomy and exhausted like the rest of us and see the grass being greener with their dad, the reality would be that lockdown would still suck with their dad as much as with you, if not more!!

If your ex isn't picking up his fair share of the childcare and you need more support it may be worth bypassing him and reaching out to his parents (or his siblings) to see if that want to maintain a relationship with the kids, at the same time giving you a much needed break.

It's tough but bear with it, things will get better, and your children need you their as a mother because they love you and you love them.

How old are they? Will things feel more manageable when they’re back at school? Not long now.

Make exP have a proper arrangement and have them more often so you get a break abd can sort stuff out. If not start getting maintenance from him so you can find somewhere more settled to live. It sounds like the children miss their dad, but it's not all or nothing, you or him. He can definitely have them more and still work, he sounds like he is being very selfish.

If your exP has full time residency of the dc he would obviously need the financial support that is for the dc.
As a single adult you would be entitled to much less financial and housing support.
You need to look be aware what support you as an individual would have before deciding if this is manageable for you.

Setting up eow contact with exp for dc might be a better place to start. Are you getting maintenance payments?

Your ex has indicated if the children were to even temporarily live with him he would need to access benefits this would mean that your own current benefits would be affected. I think as he has voiced this opinion he would be looking at a more long term arrangement rather than temporary as it can take over a month for benefit applications to be processed.

On a practical level you will move very far down the priority list in terms of rehousing. You would probably not qualify for multiple bedroom social housing if the children are not resident with you. This may cause issues if you wish to have the children move back in with you at a later date, their father may use this as a reason to continue being the resident parent if formal proceedings occurred.

You will lose child benefit as this will be claimed by the resident parent.

Your tax credits/ UC payment and housing benefit will be reduced to reflect that of a single person claimant.

You may have to pay child maintenance going forward if your ex applied to the CMS.

If he's seeing them so little now I can't imagine he would want them full time.
It could potentially leave you homeless.

I can't see how he'll be able to care for them if you 'hand them over' if he's self employed and already rarely seeing them.
I think we need to know their ages too.
I would hold fire and take a moment. I think you want and need support, not handing them over.
And if all you do each day is feed, clothe and keep them alive and safe then that is enough. It really is.

I'm guessing that you must be in a desperate situation to be considering this. Think long and hard about it because there is no guarantee that they will be able to come back.

You need to consider if he can't manage he may involve ss. You can ring them for support for you keeping them. It isn't their job just to rush in and take them away...

Get more help for your mental health. Keep going back and contacting the doctor/consultant until they find something that makes you feel better. It's trial on error with different meds etc. But you will come out the other side I promise you.

Please contact them now or tomorrow and tell them how much you're struggling with your mental health.

With your ex, you could maybe have a compromise where he can have the children for a bit more time than he currently does so you can have a breather.

You need to consider if he can't manage he may involve ss. You can ring them for support for you keeping them. It isn't their job just to rush in and take them away

@Easterbunnygettingready OP could just talk to a doctor/consultant. It's unlikely they would involve SS, they'd focus on her mental health as that's the problem she's seeing them for.

SS involvement can lead to major issues. A lot of women's experience with them is the opposite of positive.