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Original poster

Signing kids over to their father?

53 replies

Icantcopeanymore678 · 03/03/2021 13:25

Please no judgement I'm really struggling at the moment.

I split with my ltp last year. Since then I have been struggling with mental health issues. My children have been struggling with the split to the point it's affecting my eldest schooling and they have recommended counselling. They cry a lot and get upset as they just want 'their happy family back' and I just I'm no longer able to comfort my own children because it's not me they want. I hate seeing them upset and just feel they would be happier off with their father while I sort myself out. I currently get tax credits, child benefits and housing benefit and I am in temporary homeless accommodation as placed by the council.

If I was to sign them over for a few weeks what will happen to my home/benefits when they come back? Will I lose everything on top of losing the kids? I have family but not close by they are aware of my struggles, but believe I'm doing better but in actual fact it's breaking my heart seeing my kids so upset and not even being able to properly comfort them.

Does anyone have any advice? Please I already feel like the world's worst parent I just need some help and advice.

OP posts:
MMadness · 03/03/2021 16:11

Don't hand them over to a man who hasn't made more effort to see them. Don't.

Avail them to counselling. Promote more video/phone contact, try and encourage him to see them more and be active in their life.

It's hard and it sucks and seeing your kids hurt is the worst. They'll take it out on you, they'll blame you. Cry with them, tell them you understand and you hear them.

But don't buckle. Don't let them go. Even though you feel far from it, you're their stability.

gonewiththegin · 03/03/2021 16:21

A mother struggling and putting her children first is by far the better option than a parent who has seen them only a few hours since January.

Hang in there, the children will be back at school soon and hopefully you will have a permanent home shortly. In the meantime perhaps you should contact your Doctor regarding your mental health and see what they advise.

Sleeplessinsaltend · 03/03/2021 16:38

It sounds like you are doing your best in really hard circumstances. How would you feel if you lost your children a few months down the line and had to pay maintaince and could only see them occasionally. Do you think they would be less upset being separated from you rather then their father? I doubt it, you sound like a mother who cares deeply for her children. Daffodil

Please see if there is any support to get you through this time and keep you with your children until you are housed and they are at school.
Gingerbread helpline could be supportive, homeless charity in your area - they may have support for you/your children.
Do you have any friends or family who could support you all?
Dad to have some contact - phone, face to face. It seems he’s saying it’s all or nothing, where as what is probably best for the children would be contact with him while having the safety of you as resident parent.
Contact the children’s school to see if there is emotional support they can help with.
Good luck OP and take care. It sounds like you’ve coped with a great deal so far and you must be feeling very low to be thinking of this x

ahsan · 03/03/2021 17:08

I’d go to gp talk to them about affects your housing is having on you and go see your housing officer and call them they will eventually house you if your on their case. Don’t give your children up to a useless man who hasn’t bothered he most likely take their money and give any excuse to leave them with you. You are your children’s stability this man will let them down he’s let you down don’t let him undermine you with words cut contact with him focus on your kids you’ll feel better honestly

Keratinsmooth · 03/03/2021 18:08

What happened to the family home? If he works away surely you would be better off there?

TomorrowsPrincess · 03/03/2021 18:19

I may be able to help a little.
2 of my boys went to go live with their dads (separate fathers) last year.
If I remember rightly, you have 4 weeks to notify child benefit and tax credits of a change of circumstances. So if it's only for 2 weeks, you should be ok to not tell them.
As long as dad knows the length of time he is having them and knows that it's only temporary I don't see it causing an issue with any income or housing.

Don't feel bad. I torture myself on occasion.... but remember, there are TWO parents involved in making a child and there is NOTHING wrong with dad looking after his kids.

RandomUser18282 · 03/03/2021 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

momtoboys · 03/03/2021 18:45

In my opinion unless you are mentally debilitated to the point that you cannot care for them properly for their ages or that you fear you may hurt them, they are better off without the drama of even a temporary lapse of mothering.

Kids learn a lot from watching a parent go through difficult times. They watch and learn coping skills themselves. Could dad just become more involved?

Elsiebear90 · 03/03/2021 18:50

Are you unable to care for them properly? If so then I think it would be in their best interests to stay with their dad, however, if you can care for them but are struggling then I don’t think it’s wise to “hand them over” to him. Does he need the benefit money to pay for childcare as he works? Is he a good dad?

Sweak · 03/03/2021 18:58

I think you need to try to take one day at a time. Long term things will improve, I'm sure the kids will feel better once the housing situation is sorted. That can't be helping. It sounds like you are doing a good job in difficult circumstances. You are their constant. If their dad hasn't seen them much since Jan I can't imagine they will be happier with him? Have you seen your GP? To be honest you sound depressed which is of no surprise given what you are going through. Don't make any decisions for now, try to get your head straight first. And if the school can organise counselling that's brilliant... plenty of kids need support like this. It's no reflection on your parenting, it's just circumstances. I hope things improve for you soon X

Easterbunnygettingready · 03/03/2021 20:11

I would think classed as homeless ss would have been informed anyway.

TomorrowsPrincess · 03/03/2021 20:17

@Handsoffstrikesagain

tomorrow was it a decision that your children wanted? I don’t mean any offence intended with that question x
No. One was completely disrespecting me, my partner and the house. The other was involved in 'the wrong crowd' and needed removing from the area to be safe. He was also dabbling with drugs. He too was getting disrespectful. Both are now in much better places. The first one is so much happier and the second is no longer touching drugs and is healthier and concentrating on furthering his education. I have 3 other children at home. And as selfish as it sounds, my home is a happy place with no shouting/swearing/smashing up bedrooms. I get upset sometimes and just want them back with me, but realistically they would no doubt revert back to old ways.
RandomUser18282 · 03/03/2021 20:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Eekay · 03/03/2021 20:22

I think your priority should be asking for an urgent doctor's appointment, stressing to the receptionist that it's an emergency.
You're absolutely overwhelmed.
Once you get support for yourself you'll be in a much better place to help the kids. Fit your own oxygen mask first as they say.
Don't make any huge decisions out of panic right now. You'll regret it.
You and the kids have had so much upheaval already and once you're coping better they will too.

Onsiesarethenewblack · 03/03/2021 21:07

OP, if your 'priority homeless' decision was based on you having dependent children, then the children staying with someone else would mean you'd be given notice to leave the temporary accommodation. You need to be really careful about doing that, because it's classed as emergency accommodation, usual rules about kids going back and forth don't apply

I'd also be very very sceptical about your exes view that he can't manage unless everything is signed over to him. If he's used to a full time wage and doesnt have money aside for emergencies/time off, I suspect he'd get a big shock when he realised how little he'd actually get in benefits to care for children full time!

Please try and be kind to yourself and seek support to continue to look after the children. I bet you're doing a much better job than you actually think you are

BlueThistles · 03/03/2021 21:12

I think you are making a massive mistake OP.

Please speak to your GP.. 🌺

PollyFolly · 03/03/2021 21:14

This signing them, over is there a court order in place, or an informal arrangement, gyou don't say what your relationship is like, can you tell him your struggling with your mental health. He could decide to keep the kids and say you can't copy.
Also you think it's best for the children, but your mental health could be effecting this view. Don't do anything hasty, have you got support for your mental health if so can you speak to them

TomorrowsPrincess · 03/03/2021 21:45

@Handsoffstrikesagain

That doesn’t sound selfish at all tomorrow. My friend was in a very similar position and in the end her eldest son had to leave. He was making her and the 3 younger children’s lives hell. Wrong crowd, drugs, dodgy people coming to the house. I believe you have to think about the overall impact on everyone x
Exactly the same as my eldest son. I was petrified of what he was bringing into the house. If I'm honest, I was probably close to either a mental breakdown or spiralling into depression. I was never happy, always on edge and constantly screaming at my kids...... even the ones that were innocent got the brunt end of my moods. I hope that when he's older he will understand my decision..... I love all my kids but if I'm honest, I didn't like my 2 older boys at one point, and I'm pretty sure they didn't like me. Removed from the situation they were in, they are completely different kids and I'm a different person too now. I never got any support from their dads and I think it shocked them when they were 'forced' to become full time parents...... but I tried my best on my own for 15 years, and I was at breaking point.
gutful · 04/03/2021 04:58

I would think carefully about this. If you send the children to live with their father it’s disrupting their new normal, you may not get primary residency back, you will lose benefits & your accomodation.

If you genuinely can’t cope it’s one thing.

If you feel depressed & mental health struggles address it with a doctor first.

VegetarianDeathCult · 04/03/2021 05:22

OP, seek help as a matter of urgency while the children live with you. Apart from rendering yourself homeless and possibly risking losing residency of your children longterm, is a man who is self-employed and barely sees his children now really going to even consider having them live with him FT, benefits or no benefits?

SD1978 · 04/03/2021 05:22

He only sees them one night a week- has he said he has the capability to have them more often if his work isn't in the area? I'd imagine they are missing him- and would miss you if you suddenly didn't see them. What would be the plan? How often would you see them? There's no real thing as signing them over- and he is under no obligation to resume whatever then you choose in the future if he needs to drastically change things to have them. Can you talk to someone? What you're currently thinking may not be in anyone's best interests.

DianaT1969 · 04/03/2021 05:22

You mention family. Do the children like them? Can you spend more time with them if so?
(Ignore Covid).
What are your MH issues? Depression? Are you getting good treatment by your GP? Medication?
Access more help for that.
DC go back to school next week and will be busier.
Talk to them. Keep reminding them this is temporary.

Missbirdyy · 04/03/2021 10:58

Hi OP, what are you doing to support your mental health? How old are you children and how regular do they stay over with dad?

Original poster
Icantcopeanymore678 · 04/03/2021 11:20

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have spoken with the gp this morning who has advised to start antidepressants. I am able to look after the girls fed clean etc its more the mental effect that is making me feel like they don't want to be with me however I understand maybe they do need me and just miss their dad.

I won't be giving the kids to their father I realise that this will be a mistake, and while he says it would be temporary I don't know if I believe that.

I have asked him to have them for a week while I adjust to the medication. I have also said that we need to discuss maintenance payments too.

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 04/03/2021 11:23

Well done op
Baby steps.