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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AP views needed

51 replies

Inithru · 03/03/2021 11:19

Could I ask any of you who have been an AP how happy you would be with this scenario and how long you would tolerate this for?
You've been involved with a married man but the wife becomes suspicious. Contact is now limited to meeting outside where he works, in your car in a small carpark, several times a week but for only half an hour or so per day.
He has to stay close to his work in case his wife rings.

OP posts:

IsIgnoranceBliss · 03/03/2021 11:29

I’ve never been an affair partner as I have some self respect and morals.

And I have too much self-respect to only meet a man in a car park for 30 minutes at a time so I wouldn’t tolerate it at all.

He is treating you like a prostitute.

PurpleMustang · 03/03/2021 11:31

Why does he have to stay close to work in case she calls? Do you mean the office phone? Or tracking his mobile?

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2021 11:33

Who are you in this?

I can’t see why any self respecting person would be sitting begging for crumbs from some bloke who is making it clear his wife comes first.

Takes all sorts really. But that’s as desperate as it gets.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2021 11:35

What are they doing in the car. Hopefully not shagging.

I feel sorry for the ap in this instance, as said that’s desperate behaviour and he will habe no respect for her at all. He’s even spelling it out he prefers his wife and treating the ap like shit. She’s no excuse for pretending she thinks he’s remotely interested in anything other than sex.

I think I’d pity her op. Whomever she is.

Original poster

Inithru · 03/03/2021 11:36

@PurpleMustang

Why does he have to stay close to work in case she calls? Do you mean the office phone? Or tracking his mobile?

A call to the office which his employee could answer and say he's popped out/take a message/get him to call back.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 03/03/2021 11:38

I'm not an AP, but have worked with OMs and OW in a professional capacity.

There is no definitive response, as it depends on the APs relationship status.

Any plans they (OW and MM) may have for the future

Also on the vulnerability, self esteem and confidence of the OW.

I know of an OW who has been one for 7 years. The affair is conducted in work time only. The physical part happens in the disabled toilet, as he will not risk hotels or his car. She knows he will never leave his wife. The affair will go on as long as he wants it to.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/03/2021 11:38

How very grubby.

RosieGirl27 · 03/03/2021 11:41

Get some self respect and stop this lol. Why would anyone want to be someone’s bit on the side.

Ruminating2020 · 03/03/2021 11:43

Not been the AP but I wouldn't tolerate only meeting in a car in an abandoned car park.

Break it off.

Ruminating2020 · 03/03/2021 11:45

@RosieGirl27

Get some self respect and stop this lol. Why would anyone want to be someone’s bit on the side.

Normal, healthy people wouldn't want to be someone's bit on the side but I believe some seem to get off on it like a boost to their ego.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2021 11:45

@AmandaHoldensLips

How very grubby.

I’d have to agree, there are affairs and there are affairs and this is no love affair. Meet ups in the car during working hours is really fucking grim. To let some man treat you so obviously like an irrelevant bit on the side is so sad. He’s making it clear the wife is where it’s at and you don’t compare.

Again who is rhe ap. are you her, or do you know her. Or is the man telling you about her?

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2021 11:47

Normal, healthy people wouldn't want to be someone's bit on the side but I believe some seem to get off on it like a boost to their ego

Not when it’s like this though.

When he’s prioritising you, making out he prefers you to the wife, taking time with you, yes. But when he’s sparing you thirty mins in your car and telling you to your face it’s in case his wife finds outs then no one gets an ego boost from that, it’s just desperate.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 03/03/2021 11:49

I would say he's got both of you exactly where he wants you and is loving every minute. As far as you're concerned (I assume it's you we're talking about) he gets your undivided attention and devotion on a string whenever he wants it without the tedious bother of having to go anywhere, deal with your friends or shell out for dinner. He's treating her like shit and you even shitter. My advice to you is to to get some counselling or therapy to address the issues that are making a relationship like this seem appealing to you.

Original poster

Inithru · 03/03/2021 11:50

I am the wife BTW. He has led me to believe that all contact has stopped even though he categorically denies an affair. This was last summer. Earlier this year I was tipped off that the meetings I have described may be occurring on a regular basis and now I want to get an idea what I'm up against. You definitely couldnt have sex in the carpark in question so they must be meeting for chats. But I dont know why.
I asked him when he last spoke to her and the date he said ties in with the date he said before. Last summer.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2021 11:50

Why are you staying with him op when you know?

ceitidhb · 03/03/2021 11:51

how happy you would be with this scenario and how long you would tolerate it for?

Erm..... I wouldn’t tolerate it, full stop. No self-respecting person would.

By putting up with this, you’re suggesting that all you’re worth is half an hour in a carpark every so often. End it and ditch him.

ceitidhb · 03/03/2021 11:53

Oh, didn’t read your update. My point still stands. Don’t allow that behaviour to slide, because it’s showing he doesn’t respect you enough to stop meeting the OW secretly in a fucking carpark.

With all my heart, LTB

Ruminating2020 · 03/03/2021 11:58

@Bluntness100

Normal, healthy people wouldn't want to be someone's bit on the side but I believe some seem to get off on it like a boost to their ego

Not when it’s like this though.

It is desperate, I agree but to someone who is not healthy and normal, they don't care and even get off on it.

SandyY2K · 03/03/2021 12:45

I am the wife BTW. He has led me to believe that all contact has stopped even though he categorically denies an affair.

Has he said it was never an affair? Or that the affair has stopped?

It could be an emotional affair with limited physical activity.

The woman in the 7 year affair I mentioned doesn't have full sex...he makes her do oral sex on him.

Some APs will take whatever they can get, so I wouldn't rely on the fact that nobody would put up with it. Sometimes I wish I could shake some sense into people when they say what they put up with in the name of love... from being hidden in the boot of a car to pretending to be a babysitter.

In your situation some people use a VAR to get proof of an affair, by leaving it in his car.

nolovelost · 03/03/2021 13:02

Are you the poster that saw your 'friend' and a man hug and have name changed?

Original poster

Inithru · 03/03/2021 13:15

@nolovelost

Are you the poster that saw your 'friend' and a man hug and have name changed?

No, I am not that poster.

He swore on his mother's life that he isnt having an affair. He's also heavily invested in our future together, talks about our future together. Says that he's not interested in her life.

What other reason could their possibly be for him and her needing to meeting for short times? That's so important that he would risk me finding out? That's what I keep thinking.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inithru · 03/03/2021 13:23

Where they meet - it's a busy carpark, although it's small. People will be around, even during lockdown. Although unlikely, it's possible that I would even park there. Her husband even works within a stone's throw of the place.
To my mind, there's a great risk to meeting there. I'm trying to think along human psychology terms - what's the benefit, considering the limited time frame and the potential risks?

OP posts:

Ruminating2020 · 03/03/2021 13:24

Whether they're having a full blown sexual affair or an inappropriate friendship that has crossed the line, keeping it a secret from you because he knows it will hurt you is still betrayal.

barm87 · 03/03/2021 13:27

I wouldn’t put up with this. In fact I would turn up at one of these grubby little meet ups and catch him doing what he is denying. What do you want the end result to be? Are you prepared to walk away?

SandyY2K · 03/03/2021 13:29

Maybe he doesn't think you would find out. Maybe he thinks even if you find out you won't leave. How concrete of your proof? Is it what people are telling you?

He's also heavily invested in our future together, talks about our future together. Says that he's not interested in her life.

I'm not saying he is or isn't...but many OW are used for the ego boost and the man has absolutely no intention of leaving his wife and has never promised or future faked.

The OW often builds up a dream in her head, that he must love her or he wouldn't take the risk of being caught.

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