Page 2 | AP views needed

tisonlymeagain · 03/03/2021 13:29

I've had sex in a few busy car parks. I'm not proud of that by the way - just saying, if you want to, you will. Tinted windows on the car, careful parking.

Part of the thrill of an affair is the risk element.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 03/03/2021 13:32

You definitely couldnt have sex in the carpark in question so they must be meeting for chats. But I dont know why.

Long involved agonised conversations about how much they love eacher other and how wicked you are to exist and be ruining their lives. That or blowjobs. Sorry, but you did ask.

Tbh, the fact that you're asking suggests to me your marriage is running out of future.

Original poster

Inithru · 03/03/2021 14:07

I take on board the questions and opinions about LTB and I'm not discounting that but right now I'm trying to understand what's going on.

I even wondered if she was blackmailing him. Stupid, I know.

Trying to put myself in the position of someone who'd meet in a car for regular chats, the only way I could see myself doing that is if I'd basically totally fallen for someone and wanted even just snippets of contact. But he doesn't give the impression of someone who's in love with someone else.

OP posts:

tisonlymeagain · 03/03/2021 14:13

Maybe they are friends also. I've been the OW and met someone for regular chats in the car when we couldn't really sit in public and do it. Wasn't just about being in love, or wanting snippets of contact. Wasn't even about sex. Some days it was just friendship and a cup of tea. That doesn't mean it was right of course, but some days we just enjoyed talking to each other.

Original poster

Inithru · 03/03/2021 14:24

@tisonlymeagain

Maybe they are friends also. I've been the OW and met someone for regular chats in the car when we couldn't really sit in public and do it. Wasn't just about being in love, or wanting snippets of contact. Wasn't even about sex. Some days it was just friendship and a cup of tea. That doesn't mean it was right of course, but some days we just enjoyed talking to each other.

But to risk a marriage just because you enjoyed talking and having a cup of tea?!

OP posts:

HermitsLife · 03/03/2021 14:25

Whats going on is hes having his cake and eating it too. He's telling you both as much as you need to hear to get you playing the pick me dance.

I'm sorry OP but these thing always end up going the same way

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2021 14:26

@HermitsLife

Whats going on is hes having his cake and eating it too. He's telling you both as much as you need to hear to get you playing the pick me dance.

I'm sorry OP but these thing always end up going the same way

This I'm afraid. He is disrespecting you, he is putting her before you and he is incredibly selfish. I hope you can make the break away from him

Ruminating2020 · 03/03/2021 14:27

He may have rationalised to himself that as long as he's not engaging in sex, then it doesn't count.
What has you dh said about this? Does he seem remorseful and ashamed of his behaviour?

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/03/2021 14:30

right now I'm trying to understand what's going on.

Your husband is having an affair OP.
Your husband is having an affair OP.
Your husband is having an affair OP.
Your husband is having an affair OP.
That's what's going on.

The woman may have chronic low esteem. She may be in a terribly abusive relationship and seeing your husband is her only pleasure and hope. She could be the biggest, most evil maneater born to date. She could be doing it for shits and giggles. She could be doing it for money. You will never know.

What you do know is she is meeting your husband because he is having an affair with her. This is what you need to understand because this is what you are dealing with. Focussing on her is a distraction.

Original poster

Inithru · 03/03/2021 14:31

@Ruminating2020

He may have rationalised to himself that as long as he's not engaging in sex, then it doesn't count. What has you dh said about this? Does he seem remorseful and ashamed of his behaviour?

He doesn't seem remorseful nor ashamed. He admits that he's maybe he's been a bit foolish in doing some of the things he did which led me to question his relationship with this woman.

OP posts:

Dozycuntlaters · 03/03/2021 14:34

I've been the OW, it went on for a lot of years.

The version your DH gives you and the one he gives her are totally different and don't presume they won't shag in the car park, there's a high possibility they will.

If she is in love with him, or thinks she is and he spins her the right yarn she absolutely will put up with just having that. Your DH does it because she makes him feel alive, and wanted and she is basically stroking his ego and he is lying out of his arse to you.

SandyY2K · 03/03/2021 14:41

Trying to put myself in the position of someone who'd meet in a car for regular chats, the only way I could see myself doing that is if I'd basically totally fallen for someone and wanted even just snippets of contact. But he doesn't give the impression of someone who's in love with someone else.

She may be in love with him... he doesn't have to be. It could be neither love each other and just enjoy the attention and ego strokes. The thrill of the secrecy and the illicit meetings.

The problem is you thinking the AP has your thinking pattern. She too may be in a committed relationship and this is enough for her.

He's telling you both as much as you need to hear to get you playing the pick me dance.

Not necessarily. Many MM are very clear they will not leave their wife. They make future plans for home extensions, a new house...bigger mortgage...there's no hint that he's leaving his wife and she will always be the OW.

He will probably tell her he likes her..maybe even that he loves her, but talk is cheap and it's his actions she should pay attention to.

category12 · 03/03/2021 14:49

You'd be surprised what risks people will take for a shag. I wouldn't rule out them having sex, even in a busy car park. Hand job or oral are also possible.

I doubt it's chat and coffee. Who'd take such risks for that?

SandyY2K · 03/03/2021 14:49

He doesn't seem remorseful nor ashamed. He admits that he's maybe he's been a bit foolish in doing some of the things he did which led me to question his relationship with this woman.

This kind of attitude can happen when the cheater doesn't face any consequences.

A lot of these workplace affairs are with a younger woman...who feels lucky that an older mature respected man in a position of power pays attention to her.

She will be the bird who accepts crumbs sadly..or it could be it works for both of them, but you'll never know how other people think.

category12 · 03/03/2021 14:53

And not all APs actually want the other person to leave their spouse. They might be married or in a relationship themselves that they don't want to leave. They might just enjoy the excitement of it and have no interest in making it something more.

It's a faulty assumption that the OW/OM must want the person to leave their relationship.

RedGoldAndGreene · 03/03/2021 14:55

He doesn't seem remorseful nor ashamed. He admits that he's maybe he's been a bit foolish in doing some of the things he did which led me to question his relationship with this woman.

A lot of people believe that an affair is about sex and don't agree that emotional affairs where you act as each other's confidantes is unacceptable behaviour if you have a partner. So he could be saying stuff like "I miss you and wish we'd met when we were both single" and see it as acceptable when it's clearly anything but. Even if they didn't have full sex, they could easily be physically intimate in other ways while in the car. How reliable is your information ? I hope that you're not using location tracking of his phone because you can fake that by turning on Airplane mode so it looks like you're at the office

agreyersky · 03/03/2021 15:19

OP, no-one can say why they are meeting. They may genuinely like each other and want to spend time together. In fact, this is far and away the most likely explanation. It may involve some sex, it may just be enjoying connected emotional time together.

But as others have said, that is irrelevant. The fact is your husband is lying to you and continuing some kind of relationship with someone one else.

All you are ' up against' is your own self-respect. Your husband is a liar and cheat. He is continuing to be a liar and cheat. Either choose to remain with a liar and cheat and make your peace with this ongoing behaviour throughout your relationship or, or leave.

agreyersky · 03/03/2021 15:20

@category12

And not all APs actually want the other person to leave their spouse. They might be married or in a relationship themselves that they don't want to leave. They might just enjoy the excitement of it and have no interest in making it something more.

It's a faulty assumption that the OW/OM must want the person to leave their relationship.

Yes I agree with this. Its a bit sexist to assume the OW is some desperate loser. She may just want NSA sex. She may want a secondary emotional/ sexual relationship. The arrangement may suit her perfectly.

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/03/2021 15:48

If it were me there is no way I could stay with him. He's cheated, deceitful, a liar, devious etc. But you will make a decision that you feel is right for you. He will probably cheat again and has he done so before?

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 03/03/2021 17:09

I'm trying to understand what's going on.

This is painful and it's understandable that you're resisting seeing what's in front of your eyes, but I really don't think there's any great mystery about what's going on.

She's probably in love or thinks she is, and is accepting the crumbs of his brief and sporadic company on a promise that it 'won't always be like this'. He's having his ego massaged, at the very least.

Leave him or don't leave him, but don't fool yourself this is innocent. No one can tell you whether they're having intimate chats or full blown sex except for them and they probably won't tell you the truth. But the fact that you're here asking means that your marriage lacks trust and open communication, and that alone is probably a death knell, whether now or after an extended period of heartache.

That's my take anyway.

tisonlymeagain · 03/03/2021 20:51

As a previous OW, I absolutely agree with @category12 I was also married, there were no expectations on my part.

And yes OP, we risked our marriages just to chat sometimes.

MsDogLady · 03/03/2021 22:07

What are you up against? Your selfish H who is dismissing your boundaries and continuing his illicit relationship with OW. Their car park arrangement must be working for them.

He claims to have last spoken to her during the summer. Whatever they are up to in the car, he is blatantly lying to you. Is that a dealbreaker for you?

Swearing on a loved one’s life is frequently used by cheaters to manipulate the betrayed spouse.

Inithru, your H is still investing in OW and making a mockery of your marriage. In your shoes, I would walk away. If you decide to stay, he needs to experience a very sharp consequence for his betrayal.

zigzog44 · 03/03/2021 22:10

@Inithru

Contact is now limited to meeting outside where he works, in your car in a small carpark, several times a week but for only half an hour or so per day.

How do you know all of this information OP?
It’s odd how you’re talking from the AP’s perspective.
If you know he’s still seeing the OW, why are you still with him? He is still being deceitful to you.

TheStoic · 03/03/2021 22:19

But to risk a marriage just because you enjoyed talking and having a cup of tea?!

But he’s not, is he. He knows there is very little risk of his marriage ending.

SandyY2K · 03/03/2021 22:47

And not all APs actually want the other person to leave their spouse. They might be married or in a relationship themselves that they don't want to leave.

Exactly...I said this below earlier on in the thread

She too may be in a committed relationship and this is enough for her.