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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why has he done this?

45 replies

WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 09:02

I'm in a newish relationship. It's going ok. He's a nice enough man but I'm not getting that urge to see him all the time that perhaps I should be after a few things that have happened.

Anyway, the thing is, a few weeks ago he told me he loved me. Things were going well and I definitely had feelings for him and said it back (and meant it). He said it again in a text a few days later. Since then he's said he loves me in a caring way and cares deeply for me but in the romantic sense, the love is there but not much at the moment. I don't know what to think and have backed off from him.

If I say I love him now he won't say it back. It's so weird and I'm very confused.

OP posts:
Mamamamasaurus · 03/03/2021 09:03

How long is 'newish'?

Original poster
WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 09:05

Since mid December @Mamamamasaurus

OP posts:
Notanotherfreak · 03/03/2021 09:06

Sounds like he’s playing mind games with you. Trust your instincts here OP! I’d be doing the slow fade on him if I were you.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 03/03/2021 09:08

How do you know that if you say it, he will never say it again.

That sounds like you sense that he's trying to make you love him just get to the end or to prove to himself he's lovable.

It's definitely ok to be still assessing

I have fallen in to the trap a few times. The courtship if I could call it that (v old fashioned I know) was what he was loving. The chase, and the newness, and yeh, as soon as I felt secure, then at that point I could think about whether I loved him or not, and at that point it was all over for him.

something2say · 03/03/2021 09:12

Tbh the early part of your post said it all. It's ok, but not great.

I just read a book recommended on a different mumsnet thread called The Gift of Fear, which says, when there are red flags, see them. That way later down the line you aren't saying 'but who'd have known?' You do know and this i love you but not romantically thing is just another red flag.

Sorry xxx but things are about to open up. I'd be finding a new guy xxx

ravenmum · 03/03/2021 09:12

He's back-pedalling like he wants to get in the Guinness Book of Records.

Did he say it first when drunk/during sex? Perhaps it was a heat-of-the-moment thing, and later he thought you might get the wrong idea and already be planning the wedding?

The obvious, desperate cover-up about "caring deeply but not romantic" would make me think he was a bit of a dick, tbh. Perhaps try taking him off the hook and suggesting that he might just have been a bit over-excited, and see if he just sheepishly admits it?

Original poster
WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 09:18

Thanks for your replies. There are so many things that have come up as red flags. One night, very late on someone rang him. He quickly cancelled the call and I asked who it was at that time. He said it was a family member. Something wasn't ringing right in my head so I questioned him further. He insisted it was a family member. I then saw him messing (and possibly deleting a call off his call list) so I didn't give up and eventually he said it was a girl he had talked to on a dating site before he met me, but they hadn't talked for months. He hadn't wanted to tell me it was her for my reaction and he text her saying he had a girlfriend now but it really put a dampener on everything.

OP posts:
Candleabra · 03/03/2021 09:19

This is an early relationship version of "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you"
Three months in should still be lovely and fun. Mind games, hot and cold weirdness - plus you're not even that into him. I would quit while you're ahead now.

Original poster
WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 09:20

I have told him we should massively slow down. I don't want to rush in to anything with him. It's really confusing.

OP posts:
merryhouse · 03/03/2021 09:23

he loves me in a caring way and cares deeply for me but in the romantic sense, the love is there but not much at the moment.

After 3 months? He's got that completely cock-eyed.

Anyway, if he's not excited about being with you at this stage, it's going nowhere.

Original poster
WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 09:23

I told him we should slow down because we discussed the future marriage and kids. He wants to rush everything and because he saw his ex all weekend and lots in the week he thinks we should be doing the same. I work hard and don't want to see him all the time this early on.

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 09:24

He is into me because when I mention I don't think it's going anywhere he panics and says it definitely is.

OP posts:
MuddleMoo · 03/03/2021 09:26

It doesn't sound like it's going to work if I'm honest. It's early days and its all sounding a bit odd from him. But that's ok. There will be someone .

MuddleMoo · 03/03/2021 09:27

It's not just up to him though, so his response should be asking why you feel that way, not insisting you are wrong.

ravenmum · 03/03/2021 09:32

Sounds potentially like a love-bomber who likes having his ego stroked by getting multiple women to fall for him? How long was it before marriage and children came up? Did he start that conversation?

FinallyHere · 03/03/2021 09:42

He wants to rush everything

So often, this turns out to be so that you are very committed before the red flags become too glaringly obvious to ignore.

Be aware, pay attention to those things. Good luck

category12 · 03/03/2021 09:43

He's doing a push me pull you - he's trying to fast-forward the relationship and get you locked down, then he's free to play silly-arse.

Example : early declaration of love and you felt a bit pressured to declare in return, then he back-pedals to non-romantic love Hmm.

He's in a huge rush to see you as much as his ex sees her partner Hmm Come on now, what?! Hmm

You're just any woman to fill the girlfriend gap so he can compete with his ex with who has moved on most. Hmm

He's not genuine. He's gaming you. You're interchangeable, not special to him.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 03/03/2021 09:45

Just read about the late night call.

He wants you to be locked down so that he can be the one to relax.

You sound more sensible with a healthier attachment style. You are literally still assessing. It's ongoingm. That's wise.
But it makes him nervous. He wants to race you towards relaxing and feeling safe and secure. Makes you wonder why he doesnt just trust that you will end up feeling love, feeling safe?

I would pay attention to your gut for sure.
Something not right.

WhatMattersMost · 03/03/2021 09:48

He is saying these things to run away from himself. I would call an end to it.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 03/03/2021 09:54

Yeh i like the way @category12
I havent had that many good relationships that survived the initial attraction period, but my pre-covid bf, thinking back, he knows he's honest, he knew he meant what he said, he knew he had no intention to harm me, so he never tried to rush anything. Verbal, physical or emotional. I am glad i have that healthy experience to recall because like you i had been love bombed and fast forwarded etc.... 😩
But when a man has no hidden agenda i think he will just trust that time will show if you end up feeling love, or not.

Original poster
WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 09:57

He's a geek. Not a ladies man at all but what you're all saying rings true.

OP posts:
HikingInTheHills · 03/03/2021 09:58

Nah, next.

He’s not worth the bother, it sounds like you’d both like it to go somewhere but no one is genuinely feeling it.

Opentooffers · 03/03/2021 10:02

Still not over his ex, I'd say using you to try and move on from her, wouldn't surprise me if it was her that rang him.
I'd give this some space for a bit, then tell him you are not feeling it with him. Time you moved on because he hasn't.

AgathaX · 03/03/2021 10:07

You have other threads on here detailing your worries about him. It's clearly not right. Why not just finish it and move on?

Original poster
WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 10:19

He doesn't know what is ex is up to as far as I'm aware and if she's even dating.

I was really offended when he said he would unblock her. Just WHY?!

OP posts:
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