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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why has he done this?

45 replies

WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 09:02

I'm in a newish relationship. It's going ok. He's a nice enough man but I'm not getting that urge to see him all the time that perhaps I should be after a few things that have happened.

Anyway, the thing is, a few weeks ago he told me he loved me. Things were going well and I definitely had feelings for him and said it back (and meant it). He said it again in a text a few days later. Since then he's said he loves me in a caring way and cares deeply for me but in the romantic sense, the love is there but not much at the moment. I don't know what to think and have backed off from him.

If I say I love him now he won't say it back. It's so weird and I'm very confused.

OP posts:

Number3BigCupOfTea · 03/03/2021 10:22

@WonderingIf38

He's a geek. Not a ladies man at all but what you're all saying rings true.

That makes no difference. Players, geeks, nerds, jocks or whatever, it's to do with the level of self awareness, how healthy their self-esteem is, what their agenda is, how they view women, what their attachment style is... don't think that a geek can't hurt you. He can.

ravenmum · 03/03/2021 10:23

Geeks can be love-bombers too. It just describes someone who is very intense early on as they have discovered it can sometimes make their date a bit starry-eyed, and they like that feeling. Someone who is really personable can make their date starry-eyed by other means!

MuddleMoo · 03/03/2021 10:41

Its a very new relationship, I don't think it's worth any more of your time or thought. He's showing you who he is and your instincts are picking up on it enough for it to concern you to post here.

Original poster

WonderingIf38 · 03/03/2021 11:32

I do always wonder if I'm overreacting though. I tend to at times.

OP posts:

BrownFootStool · 03/03/2021 11:59

He said he loves you then changed it to 'actually not really'?

Nope. Mind games or a very emotionally confused chap.

Anordinarymum · 03/03/2021 12:01

Urgh.. get rid. I hate dishonesty. If he's not being straight with you on this then how can you believe a word he says about anything really ?

SVRT19674 · 03/03/2021 12:05

Oooops, I love you, but not really_ Give him his marching orders...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/03/2021 12:17

Stop wasting time with him. Just finish it. He sounds really dodgy.

MuddleMoo · 03/03/2021 12:22

Is he telling you that you are overreacting?

AryaStarkWolf · 03/03/2021 12:22

You've only been seeing him a couple of months and already there's this sort of doubt and possibly other women involved? Run for the hills

SandyY2K · 03/03/2021 13:48

I told him we should slow down because we discussed the future marriage and kids.

It sounds rather early for this kind of discussion.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 03/03/2021 13:57

@WonderingIf38

I do always wonder if I'm overreacting though. I tend to at times.

You're NOT reacting though. You're still with him. You haven't ended it.

You're doubting yourself internally but in terms of an outward reaction, nothing so far!?

So don't tell yourself that you're over reacting. You definitely aren't.

Baconking · 03/03/2021 14:27

I don't believe you meant it when you said you loved him. It sounds like a reactionary response.

You don't sound sure if you even like him very much. I think you're wasting your time with him and should move on. Too many uncertainties

Morgoth · 03/03/2021 15:13

He sounds like a waste of time. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Wants you there but wants to hold off full commitment with one toe out of the relationship in case anyone else comes along. Sounds like he wants his ego stroked by different girls.

Morgoth · 03/03/2021 15:14

And if there’s one thing I’m more sure of the older I get it’s trust your instincts when it comes to relationships. You will save yourself a lot of time and heartache by nipping things in the bud and walking away.

Dery · 03/03/2021 15:21

What Morgoth said.

Also something I learned from relationships: don’t get hung up on why someone is doing something. You’ll probably never know why - they might not even know why - and it can also lead to excusing poor behaviour.

The questions to ask are (I) what is he doing? and (ii) how do I feel about it?

Depending on the answers you can then decide how to proceed.

Alcemeg · 03/03/2021 17:34

He might have a few irons in the fire, so to speak. Just to see what works out best for him.

something2say · 04/03/2021 08:26

On the comment you made about overreacting....

In the book I read about the warning signs for violence (The Gift of Fear) the guy sits with victims after they've been attacked and discusses how it happened. I widened this out myself into thinking about all the relationships I had that didn't work out. There are ALWAYS signs, and you have signs too. The author goes on to say that women are encouraged not to listen to their gut feelings by a society that prefers facts and proof, but the instinct and gut feeling has been a survival mechanism for far longer.

Its radically changed how I behave. If I get a feeling I now know its real. It doesn't need second guessing and analysing, it just means 'take care with this person as spidey sensors are going off...'

He also says that decent people prove themselves over time by no sensors going off. Where they do go off, those are the ones to worry about. You've been given early warning signs here...

That's my advice to you.

Lampan · 04/03/2021 08:41

If it’s this weird and stressful now it’s only going to get worse. You’re not even excited to see him, and if you don’t feel that in the early stages it’s never going to happen. Don’t waste any more time on him, sounds like he’s just trying to prove to his ex that he has moved on by forcing a relationship with you, one he doesn’t have any genuine feeling about. If you spend any more time with him you will regret it in years to come.

Thelema72 · 04/03/2021 08:57

Put him in the bin and move on, he's game playing, be better than this, no one needs that shit in their lives,

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