Met BF just over a year ago, pre-lockdown. Fell properly in love. Lockdown has accelerated things and been bubbled up at weekends since last summer. Almost all hallmarks there- progression, commitment etc. Haven’t had to push to define the relationship, happened naturally. Regularly tells/shows me he loves me. Lots of fun times. He is kind, loving and consistent in a very practical way i.e. would drop anything to help with a crisis. Says he wants a long-term commitment, and he seems happy with the relationship and the way it’s developing. For me, genuinely thought I’d found the one.
There isn’t anything wrong as such but there’s definitely a lack of true intimacy and avoidance of conflict. He tends to limit/ shut hard conversations down, hates big displays of emotion. Doesn’t talk much about his past or ask about mine. Often deflects hard issues with humour. We laugh a lot but sometimes I feel it’s at the expense of true intimacy. Doesn’t ask/disclose about past or present issues that have emotions attached. This does appear to be a pattern across his life rather than just within our relationship and I suspect lack of communication was the cause of his marriage break up. His only other relatively LTR broke down because she was too “demanding” (emotionally I think he meant) There’s been a few times that issues have bothered me to the extent I have brought stuff up. He does generally listen and make changes, but these conversations are very brief as he doesn’t take time to explore/fully understand and I end up clamming up and only saying half of what I really want to. It’s tangible how uncomfortable he gets which is teaching me it’s better not to say anything or at least choose my battles wisely. I feel shut down and also that he’s empathy-light. He has openly expressed views that any form of “drama” is frowned upon. I don’t want drama, but I do want someone emotionally available and quite honestly am starting to run out of conversation as I feel
so much has been zoned off. He sometimes presents things as a fait accompli i.e. “Valentine’s Day is “not allowed.” No discussion. I’ve tried to limit my need for reassurance, but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be feeling like this if he was giving a bit more. Although it’s hard to revisit things if he has taken the steps to sort?
I’m also looking at making (many) more sacrifices than he is. We have discussed living together in a year or so but this would involve a relocation for me with all that would involve. He’s determined to hang onto his large family home which has an enormous mortgage and which he can’t really afford (he has to take in lodgers to help with finances which makes me feel I can never really relax at his.) This seems to stem from the belief that his girls still need their family home in some respect. Would make better financial sense to sell both houses and start afresh but he says he doesn’t want to do this for a few years. Still a lot of “stuff” around which is from his past life. House feels a little like his family have just popped out for the weekend. Not sure he actually notices this. But I do and I’m not sure there’s a lot of room for one more.
I can imagine growing old with him. I love him and he is a genuinely good man. I am happy probs 80-90% of time. But I do worry that my needs for true intimacy are not being met, that it all feels a bit surface level, that there’s too many instances of where I feel I need to speak up (with mixed results). I’m aware I’m dealing with a different kind of man here than any previous partner who was genuinely controlling and maybe this is normal for a bloke but I can’t help feeling that something is missing. I also realise that he’s probs not going to change (he’s mid 50s) I’m worried that increasing my “asks” for more intimacy in the wrong way will not end well but equally that my needs are my needs and I need more than this.
So….do I try to accept the situation and live with the limitations? I know I am naturally more anxious than he is. Or do I confront and risk the consequences? How do I even broach this given the way he is? If I did bail out I genuinely think he’d be devastated to lose me. This feels like a relationship worth something but I need to know how best to move forward.