My husband hates family life

[Whatamesshasdinner]

My husband works hard during the week and has a stressful job. Quite often his stress gets a bit much for him and he struggles to relax in the evenings and at weekends. When he’s tired he just can’t cope with the kids at all. He doesn’t interact, just stares at his phone all day, ignores them when they’re talking to him, never plays with them...

He has said multiple times that life was so much better before we had kids and sometimes that he wishes we’d never had them. Obviously this gets me like a massive punch in the guts. They are 4 and 6, the eldest has special needs and is quite challenging at times.

At (most) other times he’s lovely, but it’s usually when there is a project involved, so he’ll happily make cars out of boxes with them, or make bread. It’s never on their terms though, and usually ends with him getting frustrated and angry.

I just don’t know what to do to help the situation. It’s untenable for him and unfair on them, and hard for me too. Is there some sort of help he can get?

It is an entirely normal feeling and I have it too - nothing wrong with that but it's how you manage it that's key.

I work very long hours in a highly pressurised job so sometimes the last thing I want is children.

Kids aren't always the amazing thing that some people believe but at the same time, a decision was made and you need to live by what you decided to do at the time, be it right or wrong.

Parenting is bloody hard work. Many parents find it difficult and unrewarding. Especially at different ages - eg many people hate the baby/toddler stage and enjoy older children, whereas i LOVED baby/toddler years and find the older years highly challenging.

You've got lots of good advice above. I would try to get him to identify what exactly is making him feel this way. Then tackle those issues - google is really great for typing in a problem/issue and finding lots of articles, ideas and advice. Lockdown could be contributing - it's a pressure-cooker environment I find. Try to find things he enjoys that he could do with the kids. Maybe he'd like a bit of time away from parenting (wouldn't we all!) or alone with you, eg date night. He also needs stress management, anger management, to help him deal with the kids, there are lots of techniques he could try. I guess the problem is that he needs to be willing, which only he is in control of.

I have a good friend whose parents divorced when we were about 24. I remember meeting up with her while it was happening and chatting about families. My own father was lazy at home except as regards his favourite chores (usually fixing things, DIY) but was incredibly enthusiastic about other aspects of family life and spending time with his kids. She didn't have any of that. She couldn't remember a time when her father had been anything but grumpy and depressed and was overjoyed that her mother was finally "escaping". She was looking forward to grown-up family life with her mum without her dad there. We speak quite regularly and ask about each other's families and she never really mentions her dad. Last time she did, it was just to say that only one of the three children is still in touch with him. He never bothered to build a relationship with her, apparently.

Maybe your DH does just need some dedicated 'alone' time to recharge (in which case, you should have this too). But he needs to figure out a way to deal with the stresses and strains of family life the rest of the time without making everyone miserable. And if he can't do this, you need to consider what is going to make you and the kids happiest.

Well, yes, children are hard hard work.

But we can't put them back.

They deserve better than his current effort. It doesn't matter if he hates it; that's tough; that ship sailed.

Only one parent gets to make the choice he's currently making, what if you did the same??

It's selfish, and you're incredibly nice to tolerate it.

I was in this situation. Things were so bad last August that I had the conservation of “if things don’t change dramatically we will get a divorce” he went away for two weeks on his own at my request, saw his GP got antidepressants, saw a counsellor - who told him he had been selfish and a crap husband and father. He was able to shed a lot of his stress, his depression improved and he has been doing mindfulness. Things changed dramatically for the better and he realised how much he loved us all. He has been a great husband and father now for 6 months and is so much happier. We have enjoyed walks family meals and he plays with the kids happily. Our marriage is better than it has been for 10 years. So glad I had that conversation . Be brave and do it. Either way you deserve to be happy with or without him

I've posted recently about how my father hated family life so much that when I was 11 he attempted to trick my mother into taking myself and my two brothers to the other side of the world without him...where he would have promptly dumped us.

I only found out the full extent of the story - that he'd actually confessed this to my mother at the time - AND SHE STILL STAYED WITH HIM - late last year. Even at age 52 it's been a horrible shock to find out how far he was willing to go to get out of being a family man.

You need to have a serious calm talk with your husband. Make it clear to him that the comments he's made a completely unacceptable, that if he really does feel that way he needs to get professional help. This isn't something that's going to get better on it's own, especially when the children start entering the teenage years.

@Lemoncheesecake20 I am sorry for your experience, a lot of it reminds me of my father. He'd never wanted to be a father in the first place, my mother only had children as she was Catholic and it was 'expected'. They were both crap parents and as we got older their resentment of the constraints of having children put on their lives became stronger.

My mother is now also like yours - won't admit to that there was a problem, and even takes the piss out of my older brother for daring to let her know that he hated our childhood. My father finally left her when I was 21 - I've been NC with him since then and very LC with her since.

@noirchatsdeux

Thanks Noir. I’m so sorry you had to experience the same thing .

OP, sorry, I reported my earlier post as it contained some outing details. Basically, I think there’s a difference between a ‘grumpy’ stressed dad who nevertheless balances this out with lots of high quality, loving interactions with his kids, and one who, through his behaviour, shows his children that he doesn’t love or even like them. My father was the latter - I have so many memories of him telling me off for the most innocent of childhood ‘crimes’ (despite being very well behaved). It was just so obvious to me that he disliked me and didn’t want to spend time with me. I won’t go into any more details than that but to say that a child should not be left in any doubt that their parent deeply loves them.

Work is the main issue I think, which needs to be addressed. Though your screen free days plan is a good thing regardless.

Mothers who are struggling with parenting are generally advised to "fake it until you make it" not to disengage from their children and take more time for themselves (after working away from their children the whole week).

MessAllOver - who advises them? Let's not turn this into a male/female debate.

Quite a lot of people regret having children. It isn’t that unusual & it’s good he’s being honest. Some people are not cut out for family life. It’s sad he only realised this after having children though.

He’s unlikely to change his mind on the issue, so it’s your choice if you can live with this long term.

I could have written this! After a shite first lockdown and onwards (gtr Manchester so never really left lockdown 1) he's just done less and less at home, he works 9-6 weekdays, says hello but faffs with making his tea, then just does a few bits to help with bedtime at 7.30, then games all night with online friends. I had to close my business last March, and since Xmas I've been doing all homeschooling and our eldest is now having various assessments for his needs, anxiety and other issues. As my username suggests, my H has Aspergers and my eldest is showing some traits so we are getting it checked out. With his Autism things have always been hard, but he's taken it to new lows lately and I'm not prepared to put up with it or let it get worse

After a dreadful previous weekend I did in the end give my H an ultimatum, as discussion was fruitless. Ours are the same ages as yours OP and he just cannot seem to interact with them, and doesn't really want to. So I suggested if life was really that hard for him that he move out, see them once a week on a Saturday/Sun and maybe if he was storing up all his energy through the week then he could give them 100% when he saw them. It's sort of woken him up to how shitty it is and for a week he's managed better levels of parenting. Then this weekend rolled around and he had a deadly man flu (cold) so obvs couldn't leave his bed he did pick himself up yesterday morning so I'm just watching and waiting.

He said he feels he'll be able to do better once more normal activities resume and we can get out and about. I kind of understand that but also the basics that kids at this age like such as Lego, drawing etc can easily be done at home so there's no excuses for him not getting involved with that. He waits for me to suggest activities all the time which is ridiculous, he has eyes and a brain so it shouldn't be down to me constantly no matter that he has Aspergers. I do think it's true what a pp said about different ages - he found the baby age and toddler stages hard, then he was doing ok but lockdown threw us all a bit. Still I have to suck it up and make the best of things, so I expect him to put in an effort too without me micromanaging our lives!

@ReadyforTakeOff. But it is a bit of a male/ female debate or, if not that precisely, a shit parent/involved parent debate (regardless of which gender is which). The involved parent ends up carrying the shit parent who chooses to opt out of family life and is also expected to make the shit parent feel better about getting involved by facilitating activities or giving them even more space.

@jayne96 you need to start your own thread in the correct section. I think there is a specific one for surveys but you may need permission from MNHQ to do so.

My DH and I have been together 11 years, have a 3.5 year old and another baby on the way, but my DH is dreading the new baby.

He did not cope well at all with the first. A few months before he was born he became extremely depressed and suicidal. He got medication and went through intensive therapy and was diagnosed with BPD. He was doing mech better before our first was born, but despite desperately wanting to be a better parent than his own, the baby coming was a huge setback. He became angry and we had to implement a safety system where if either of us thought he wasn't coping I'd take over and he'd go and calm down. It was extremely tiring as although I did 80 percent of the parenting anyway I had to be there for the other 20 and stepping in pretty regularly so I felt I never really got a break.

Over time things got better and he started his own business that is going really well. The main downside is that he now really works too hard. Like every weekend, all week and many evenings. He's stepped back a little at my protests but he still works long hours and is thinking about it on his time off. I work 4 days a week too but my job is definitely not as demanding.

I was desperate for another and felt his improvement in temperament and all his therapy meant next time wouldn't be so bad. We were wiser. He did want another but was nervous. Now I'm pregnant again his nervousness seems to be turning into anxiety and dread. He's been more snappy with our first and I've realised that his work isn't all necessary - it is at least partly an excuse to not spend time with us as a family as he says he still finds it overwhelming and feels bad because he isn't a good dad.

I'm not looking for unhelpful comments saying I should leave him. But I do want to know if anyone has found a good way of supporting these dads who frankly are damaged from their own childhood and mentally struggling to be good dads. There seem to be so many peer support groups for women but we both can't find any for men going through these issues. He desperately wants to talk to other dads but feels our friends are all good dads and don't understand when he tries to explain to them.

Please help.