My husband hates family life

[Whatamesshasdinner]

My husband works hard during the week and has a stressful job. Quite often his stress gets a bit much for him and he struggles to relax in the evenings and at weekends. When he’s tired he just can’t cope with the kids at all. He doesn’t interact, just stares at his phone all day, ignores them when they’re talking to him, never plays with them...

He has said multiple times that life was so much better before we had kids and sometimes that he wishes we’d never had them. Obviously this gets me like a massive punch in the guts. They are 4 and 6, the eldest has special needs and is quite challenging at times.

At (most) other times he’s lovely, but it’s usually when there is a project involved, so he’ll happily make cars out of boxes with them, or make bread. It’s never on their terms though, and usually ends with him getting frustrated and angry.

I just don’t know what to do to help the situation. It’s untenable for him and unfair on them, and hard for me too. Is there some sort of help he can get?

Sadly there’s not much you can do to change things. Your husband has to be the one to recognise how he feels is a problem and want to change.
If he does not want to work on it I would suggest you consider separation because it is miserable growing up with a dad like this.

Is there any scope for changing things at work as this doesn't sound sustainable?

I'm a little shocked he would say he wishes he never had them. To joke about how much easier life without kids seems normal to me. But to regret kids seems a bit off. But maybe that's just my interpretation. I would have to ask him never to say that in front of me.

What does your husband do to de-stress? Does he have something? Bike? Gym? Etc

What are your expectations of him during the week? - my husband doesn't do much during the week as he works long hours but does spend time with them at the weekend. It isn't always natural - so this weekend he was sat on his phone so I suggested he play a game with the youngest, which he did. At the age yours are he would play top trumps, colour matching games, ludo etc Read to them. They used to have cartoons they would watch together...scooby doo was one. Now the weather is better you can suggest he takes them to the park.

I don't think regretting having children is particularly unusual or terrible, you only need to do a quick search of Mumsnet to discover plenty of threads with women admitting they wouldn't have children if they were given the choice again. It's almost impossible for someone to truly envisage what their life would be like with children before they have them and I think lots of people end up having kids because it's still what society expects and they don't really think too deeply about how it will affect them and whether they are suited to being a parent.

Having said this, I do think that you need to confront your DH about his attitude towards the children and the effort he is making. He may well wish his life were different, but he has committed to having these children and quite frankly it's now both of your responsibility to raise them as best as you can. He can't opt out because he now knows the reality of family life is harder than he imagined.

That's awful, I was a full time nurse in a busy hospital and doing an MSc as a single parent with ALL responsibilities on my shoulders and no money and never once felt like this about my son, he was my reason for living.

My ex-p was like this & it's a large part of the reason he is an ex-partner.

My children deserved better than a disengaged, angry father who did not participate in family life; as they grew older they became increasingly aware. My eldest even said "daddy doesn't bother his shirt with us".

Don't underestimate the impact this will have on them as they grow older & more aware. And your resentment may end up killing the love you have for him.

I have a friend who feels like this. He had children because his wife wanted them. He'd have been quite happy to stay just the two of them and she knows that.

However, he takes his responsibilities as a father seriously and forced himself to do things with them because he realised that, as people, they deserved a better life experience than the one he was currently giving them.

They are now teens (18 and 15). He wouldn't be without them now but stil says he wouldn't have had them if he had his time again. But he definitely found it easier to connect with them as they got older and could do more interesting things/have conversations.

Personally, I feel that different people suit children at different ages. I hated the baby/toddler/preschool years. I found it easier once they hit 7 and love/d having teenagers! Whereas I have friends who loved the whole experience and know women who had several children because they craved the baby years and lost interest when they became more independent.

His feelings aren't so much the issue (as he can't control those) as his behaviours (because he can control them).

Have you had a conversation about it? Does he understand the importance of these early years on their emotional development? These are the years when the foundations are set for their future selves. He needs to understand that.

@ProseccoThyme

My ex-p was like this & it's a large part of the reason he is an ex-partner.

My children deserved better than a disengaged, angry father who did not participate in family life; as they grew older they became increasingly aware. My eldest even said "daddy doesn't bother his shirt with us".

Don't underestimate the impact this will have on them as they grow older & more aware. And your resentment may end up killing the love you have for him.

@ProseccoThyme has it spot on. You need to give him an ultimatum, either shape up or ship out, and if he doesn’t shape up and maintain it then please don’t give him another chance. Your children deserve better and so do you. What you do about contact/ shared parenting I have no idea, it’s unlikely he would be interested in having the children which ultimately means the responsibility lies wholly with you, but that’s the case now, so little change there. I’m sorry you are going through this. 💐

I was in a similar situation just over a year ago. I decided that the best thing, especially for the children, was to divorce. I really meant it and had things lined up to leave. However, DH was devastated, realised and admitted that he was depressed and had been for a long time, and immediately sought help. Covid 19 aside, we have had the best year of our married and family life.
Not saying that this will be the same for everyone, but we were able to turn it around.

My DH recently read a couple of parenting books and said it was like a revelation. That other parents had the feelings, thoughts, issues, questions that he had. He had thought he was the only one. The books also gave him a much better strategy for dealing with behaviour and he's been playing more. Maybe your husband should do the same.

@OldChinaJug

I have a friend who feels like this. He had children because his wife wanted them. He'd have been quite happy to stay just the two of them and she knows that.

However, he takes his responsibilities as a father seriously and forced himself to do things with them because he realised that, as people, they deserved a better life experience than the one he was currently giving them.

They are now teens (18 and 15). He wouldn't be without them now but stil says he wouldn't have had them if he had his time again. But he definitely found it easier to connect with them as they got older and could do more interesting things/have conversations.

Personally, I feel that different people suit children at different ages. I hated the baby/toddler/preschool years. I found it easier once they hit 7 and love/d having teenagers! Whereas I have friends who loved the whole experience and know women who had several children because they craved the baby years and lost interest when they became more independent.

His feelings aren't so much the issue (as he can't control those) as his behaviours (because he can control them).

Have you had a conversation about it? Does he understand the importance of these early years on their emotional development? These are the years when the foundations are set for their future selves. He needs to understand that.

This sums up exactly what I was thinking, too. I think it’s quite normal for people not to enjoy particular ages or stages of children; even their own. I find young kids pretty tiresome in anything other than small doses, to be honest, whereas I’ve enjoyed the teenage years.

I think hearing his feelings without judgement (if you can - I know it must be very hard to hear him say he wishes he hadn’t had them) would be helpful, whilst acknowledging that the situation and his feelings are fluid and will change. You need to tell him how that makes you feel, too, though. He needs help (from you or a therapist) to work out constructive ways of building his relationship with them, and doing his share of the parenting. Maybe remind him that if you separate/divorce, he’ll still have to put that effort into nurturing their relationship, but it’ll be harder without you there.

Having children is a huge game changer. You aren’t alone here with having someone who isn’t invested in the family life. No one can quite prepare us for all the changes. Lack of privacy, spare time, freedom to be sporadic, even our love lives are different.

It sounds like he hasn’t embraced parenting. He’s resisting it.

Apart from therapy, there are some things you can do to help. First of all is to actually listen to him, really listen. Let him tell you (without judgement) all the things that cause him stress and why he has disengaged. Acknowledge his feelings. Talk through what he wants and needs from the family, be it time out, a new hobby. Something to give him a zest for life. If he’s not happy in himself, he will drag you all down.

Once he is engaged with you, start to tell him your feelings and what you want, what the kids need from him etc.

This is a slow process, but it might help him open up.

If he continues to disengage, you might want to think about whether staying with him is what you want to do long term. You only get one life. Don’t waste it on someone who mopes about resenting your children. That’s on him, not you.

I agree with PP on how some parents enjoy different stages of parenting. I hate the baby stage. It’s exhausting. But I’ve made inroads in changing my attitude toward parenting. I’ve embraced it and I’m enjoying a lot more now.

Be patient, but don’t let it continue unchecked. At some point, he’s going to need to put his big boy pants on and grow up!

I don’t want to rush into a ‘LTB’ response, but I couldn’t let my child live in this environment if there was a way to get out of it. I think the change needs to come from him. Most parents feel they’d quite like to ‘check out’ of family life at some point, but being disengaged like this will be damaging the children and it’s not fair. So I think my attitude would be listening to his feelings but expecting him to do something about them- i.e. talk to someone, or decide to ‘power through’ and take him responsibilities to their emotional well-being seriously and engage with them properly. Sounds like work stress is playing a part here- any chance of looking for a new role? I know that the job market is awful at the moment though.

Fundamentally, he’s got 2 children and he needs to step up. Presumably he felt this way after DC1 and yet still had DC2? Sounds like he would really benefit from properly examining how he feels and why.

This sounds really difficult. It sounds like his disengagement in family life is being noticed at home & causing a bad atmosphere. That's not on & it's unfair for one family member's moods to affect the whole household.

However it's really not that uncommon to feel regret for having children - it's a taboo but it's not unusual - and feelings can change over different ages.

The other layer of complexity here is that you have a child born with special needs - that must surely be affecting how he must feel for how life has turned out? Nobody expects it will be them who is faced with a challenging child - we're sold that it will be all kicking soccer balls in the park & cooing over baby but the actual daily grind of parenting can be monotonous & HARD! At the time it feels like things will always be that way, even though they grow so fast.

Is it possible to approach this from a side of humouring him - when he says he wishes he wasn't a parent reply could be "Oh god I know they've been absolute devils today - what on earth did we sign ourselves up for?!" - acknowledge his feelings, but don't give them so much weight.

Our life is made up of countless choices & circumstances that we likely would have chosen differently had we had more information at hand at the time. It's our attitude which shapes how we will react & cope with those things life throws at us.

My question is does he actually do much to help with parenting at all? Otherwise why is he moping about regretting them when he doesn't actually engage with them or do any work involving parenting?

To me that sounds like the presence of the children themselves is bothering him - the sounds of shrieks & squealing + pitter patter of tiny feet is usually not endearing to people who don't want children. It wears you down & crave peace + quiet.

If your son has special needs (thinking perhaps autism) could your Husband have some hereditary issues involving becoming stressed due to chaotic sounds/environment at home with the kids?

The disengaging on the phone for hours speaks to using a hyperfocus to zone out of the surrounding situation.

Is there anything he can do to pick up some parenting responsibility that could help encourage their bond? Read a bedtime story? Do bathtime? Play a board game / lego with them after dinner?

Am not sure the answer is to automatically LTB - but I agree that his disengagement in family life is not acceptable. Feeling regret is understandable but tapping out of family life is not.

You're almost a single mum just accept it. He's not interested in interacting with them. As long as he's providing financially then just let him stew and get on with it.

I wonder what his childhood was like. Basically, has he EVER seen, in real life, somebody being a decent father to children? Role models are so valuable.

Secondly, to a large extent, with relationships - be that a spouse, a sibling, a colleague, a neighbour, or the family dog - you get out what you put in. He wouldn't magically expect rapport with a key client at work to "just happen". Hey guess what - same is true for your own kids, mate!

@gutful This is great advice thank you. And thanks all of you.
We’re definitely not at the ltb stage - there is a lot that he does do. But I can’t really say that he enjoys any of it.
We’ll have a ‘talk’... I might try and enforce some screen free days for everyone.

@WoodchipWoodchip that is an excellent point about his own childhood

He's being a selfish prick and he needs to change jobs. No job is worth being so drained that you can't play with your kids at the weekend.

@Whatamesshasdinner

Have you got any good supportive family members on either side,who could help out,such as baby sitting on a regular basis?
so you can have couple time together like going on a date night etc.

If you have not got any family to help out in this way?
Can you afford to have childminders/babysitter/home help?
so you can both have have time to yourselfs to have space as a couple and also on your own as individuals, such as joining a Healthspa,(such as taking it turns to enjoy this,/or going there as a couple in gym etc op?

Also having a babysitter /or getting the children in good bedtime routine ,this could give you both as the opportunity to enjoy a new interests/pick up new skill such as new language Arts workshops etc.

YouTube the internet is really good to learn new skills ect and also Facebook events ect is also good for this too,well worth checking out.

Maybe it's only when more MEN complain about the intensity, and the caged feeling that parents often have that society can start to move away from the nuclear family model to 'it takes a village's and not just in the sense of paying lip service to it.

@CrazyNeighbour

He has said multiple times that life was so much better before we had kids and sometimes that he wishes we’d never had them. Obviously this gets me like a massive punch in the guts. They are 4 and 6, the eldest has special needs and is quite challenging at times.

How disappointing for you to have had children with such a man. In my opinion the “me me me, poor me” of his feelings do not outweigh his obligations to his children.
So what if he finds it hard, why does he feel entitled to blame the children rather than explore it as his inadequacy as a father.

Plenty of women also feel the same; you only have to search on mumsnet to find out. Are they all disappointing, inadéquates too?

@Whatamesshasdinner

I think knowing/having a regular break to recharge your batteries from the relentless demands of family life as a couple/individuals will make a simply make a world of difference in a good way in this situation op.