Non-monogamous to exclusive to infidelity. Where to from here?

[korimako]

Kia ora! First time poster, long time lurker. I'm not a parent, but I think there's some good advice on these boards so hope you don't mind me posting. I'm also not in the UK.

My partner and I started out in an open relationship. This was his idea and he's previously had an open marriage whereas it was a first for me. It didn't work - jealousy on his part, insecurity on mine - and he suggested we have an exclusive relationship. We kept the door open for resuming a non-monogamous relationship in the future.

He cheated on me just before Christmas, I found out just after Christmas. We stayed together, and agreed we'd continue an exclusive relationship while scheduling a 'non monogamy chat' for late February.

Someone he used to sleep with contacted him when her relationship broke up a month ago. We talked then about whether he wanted to sleep with her. He assured me he didn't, and I asked that if that changed he talked to me about it first as we're still in an exclusive relationship. I want to be able to make my own decisions about what is acceptable to me in a relationship.

They have been messaging each other each week attempting to catch up. The messages have been pretty blatant about why.

This came up in our 'what's next for non monogamy chat' we had today, as I shared my insecurities about this woman specifically. He straight out lied to me, saying he wasn't in contact with her and ignored her messages. That was an absolute lie, as I have seen a message from today where he invited her over - it was a very clear invitation to hook up, which she refused. I don't think I can call him out on this as it will mean admitting I looked at his messages.

I hate that I've looked. To me, it's a symbol of the lack of trust in our relationship. It's also very important to me that I'm respected by my partner and I'm aware this is a sign I'm not showing that same respect. But even more so, I hate that he's lying to me like this.

I want to be in this relationship. I love him, he says he loves me. Our relationship is pretty volatile but we always get it back on track through good communication. But, I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm being lied to, or just told what someone thinks I want to hear. Particularly since I'm genuinely open to having a non monogamous relationship as long as we're clear about our parameters.

I also hate the lack of respect he shows women in these types of interactions - he hasn't told this woman for example we're still together and that we are in an exclusive relationship. The same thing holds - she has the right to this information to make her own informed choices.

I'm not sure why I'm posting, as I know what advice I'd give a friend. However, I'd appreciate any sage advice you have to offer. It has helped writing this all down at least.

Absolutely nothing to say. Hopefully even as you pressed post, writing all that down helped to the point where you've kicked his twatty, disrespectful, cheaty arse out for good.

This man just likes shagging around, whether it's cheating, or non-monogamy or whatevs. He just likes getting his dick wet he doesn't care about anyone else's feelings, especially a woman's! Leave this man in the dust with his lil syphilis cock.

Non-monogamy can work for people but it does require an alignment on boundaries.
I think - his preferred way of ‘open’ is different to yours.
What was his previous ‘open’ marriage like? I think - you’d find that it was ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’. Or maybe it was only open in his side's
Which is why he struggled with a different model that you prefer. As you said - he was jealous of your other partners.

In what you are describing - I am not sure there is a solution that would make you both happy. He doesn’t seem able to give you the level of honesty/openness you’d want to feel secure. So - it’s up to you how long you can continue waiting for him to change. Which isn’t very likely, as you know.

This is a recipe for disaster.

Re-read even just the very first part of your post. He wanted an open relationship, and it didn't work because he then got jealous 🤷‍♀️

Save your energy, move on.

The issue is that he's untrustworthy. It's possible to have non-monogamous relationships that are trusting and open, but not possible with this guy.

Because he lies to you, cheats on you and lies and cheats on his other partners too. You can talk as much as you like and sort things out as much as you like, but he remains the same, he's got no interest in having set out parameters, he wants to do exactly as he likes when he likes and is prepared to break any rules you agree. He shown you this repeatedly and now you're reduced to going through his phone.

You're wasting your time, energy and breath on him.

Lots of things to potentially talk about here. But what really jumped out at me was the bit about always getting back on track with good communication.

To me, it seems like communication in this relationship is incredibly poor. He does not tell you things, he changes his mind about the relationship boundaries and doesn't tell you and he lies to you.

Is your "good communication" actually you eventually agreeing to what he wanted in the first place, after the fact, when he has already done it anyway?

Be careful, this relationship has the potential to seriously damage your mental health. I don't see how you could ever feel secure in it.

Ahhh so he wants a relationship where he can sleep with other people but you can’t in case he gets jealous...

100% what @Maxellious said.

I was completely onboard with PP about this man being untrustworthy and applying a double standard with his open-relationship-wait-I'm-jealous act, but when I read "our relationship is pretty volatile", I thought, "oh no, drama llama".

Being "volatile" is rarely a sign of a healthy relationship - passionate, intense, committed - all of those are good things but volatile is NOT THE SAME THING. He wants to shag around and defines this as "open" but doesn't want openess for you. He isn't honest about the contact he is having with another woman and you feel the need to check his messages. Faced with textual proof of his dishonesty, you want to talk it out (read accept his shitty behaviour, tell yourself that your relationship in unconventional, and play along with his one-ended openess concept as if you yourself don't have needs or desires - in terms of sex, respect or emotion).

By all means seek out an open relationship, but not with this man. He is a dishonest, insecure mind-fuck.

He's cheated once, is planning to do so again, and you're worried about having checked his messages? Bloody hell.

I'd tell him you've seen the messages. That's sure to wipe the smug look off his entitled face.

Please dump him before he grinds you down to nothing.

OP he wants you to be in a monogamous relationship with him.
The cheat doesn't want to extend the same curtesy to you.
In your relationship his feelings are important , yours are not.

He doesn't love you, he's putting your sexual health at risk. How many other transgressions have there been? You may never know. If you can accept he doesn't love you, you can end this relationship.

Tell him you checked his messages.
Tell him you don't trust him.
Tell him he's disrespectful.

This is actually what good communication looks like. Good communication is not 'someone fucks around then someone else talks themself hoarse justifying it and resetting the boundaries.' Not only is he gaslighting you, he's helping you gaslight yourself!

You are worth much, much more than this.

He wants to fuck other people, he just doesn't want YOU to do the same.
You can't have any kind of relationship with this man. He has cheated, he lies and is deceptive about his actions all the while keeping you in your little place in plain sight.
He is a sleaze. Get rid of him

Thanks everyone. It was helpful - and very confronting - just to write this down. I've reread my own post several times and it hasn't gotten easier.

Thanks for all your comments. Again it's really confronting, but the different things you've pulled out from my post are helping me to reflect on the bigger picture. Particularly the points about communication and what good looks like.

I'm feeling pretty shitty right now (for a start, it's nearly 4am here). I'm fiercely independent and feel like I have my life pretty sorted. I think that's what makes me feel I have this situation under control and that I'm making decisions I'm okay with. It's hard to accept that it's the opposite.

The baffling thing is that chances are you would give him your blessing to sleep with other women if he asked but he chooses to lie and pretend he's not doing that......I say baffling but it's not really, it's quite obvious why he's lying, he wants to sleep with whoever he wants but he wants you to sleep with only him. He doesn't respect you or see you as equals. You really should leave

Sorry but ‘lil syphilis cock’ is excellent

"I'm fiercely independent and feel like I have my life pretty sorted. I think that's what makes me feel I have this situation under control and that I'm making decisions I'm okay with."

FWIW, I understand where you're coming from with this: I moved abroad right out of uni, got myself a job, slept on a friend's sofa until I could afford to rent a bedroom, then a flat, then buy my own. I have a good job now, my language skills have improved immeasurably, my financial situation is stable, and everyone I know does the "you're amazing, I could never move/learn a language/be so far from home/etc.".

Every financial and professional decision was/is my own, all the independence and liberty, but all of the stress and responsibility with it too. There was/is no one else picking up the slack or taking care of things for a day or two when I struggle. And as such I am fiercely independent - I'd not give it up for anything now because it was hard-won.

I made terrible, TERRIBLE romantic/sexual decisions for years (usually older men, sometimes with some kind of alcohol dependence, usually plain old unavailable, uncaring or outright manipulative) and I told myself "this is what I want, I'm a big girl and I'm playing games too, I don't have to commit, I am in control, I'll leave if I want to" but that didn't stop me needing human things like respect and dignity.

Until eventually I'd be so sad or feel so worthless (working so hard, juggling so much, doing whatever x wants, but not worthy of respect???) that I'd try to stop seeing them but I didn't have the confidence in myself to fully break away. I can't say when it changed, but what changed was that I realised I was angry at myself for accepting this much crap. Yes, the men were shitty, but I was the one going back for more.

Once I saw that, I really started to extricate myself from shitty men and even to frame things differently (i.e. not worry about what x wanted, or why x said/did/lied about that, but to think "what do I want and how can I get that?").

Sometimes when you feel outside the fold, an unconventional relationship just feels like part and parcel of that experience, but an unconventional relationship does not mean accepting a lack of respect or ignoring your gut instinct.

Sorry for the emotional splurge and I don't dare read it beacuse "eugh, feelings" but I really do think I understand what you mean by believing you are in control and certainly wanting to feel that way.

Non-monogamy can work with complete honesty. The fact that you are able to be as open-minded as you are in your relationship makes him look even more like a twat for not being respectful enough to be honest with you. Particularly when he knows that it is not a deal breaker for you.

Frankly, you deserve better.

Twat - 'Hey, I'm Mr Cool Dude. Let's have an Open Relationship! because I want to fuck other people but find a way to make that look ok

OP - 'Fine. Hey I'm busy Thursday by the way, going to be shagging Brian'

Twat - 'Oh dear, hang on, no I'm not ok with that, it's making me feel too insecure hey hang on, I didn't think she'd ACTUALLY end up shagging other blokes, isn't it supposed to be that I do the shagging and the woman ends up a bit out of her depth?

You - Ok

Twat - 'Oh dear I shagged someone anyway because it was never about an Open Relationship, it was about Me Getting My Way And Being A Cheaty Bellend!

You (hopefully) -oh fuck off you irritating little dipshit and take your sub-standard sex-pseud nonsense with you.

The End.

OP what you’ve described is not a healthy relationship, regardless of how you try and define it. You will be far better off without this man in your life, trying to maintain a relationship with him will eat away at your self esteem and leave your mental health in shreds, you can’t change his behaviour but you can change your reaction to it - by walking away.

Take a step back, and take some time to think about what you want in a relationship- and don’t forget that for it to be a healthy relationship then respect and kindness needs to be at the top.

Why did you agree to the open relationship in the first place? Were you actually interested in trying it or did you feel you need to in order to keep him?

It doesn't sound like it was something you wanted and if so, why was he going along with something that made you unhappy to start with?

He is a liar. he lies, he isn't a nice man. He will lie to get what he wants. It would be easier for him to be in an open relationship as he can't get caught out but that's what he wants and he will just keep lying to you.

@YoniAndGuy

😂😂😂❤️

Twat - 'Oh dear I shagged someone anyway because it was never about an Open Relationship, it was about Me Getting My Way And Being A Cheaty Bellend!

Yep, that about nails it.

This is crazy. Sorry but is so obvious. He was happy to say let's have an open relationship but as you also enjoyed the benefits he didn't like it. So you agreed to change it but by his msgs you can see he wants the open bit to only be on his side of things. Even though he can have an open relationship and be honest he wants it exclusive and to cheat. He is beyond ridiculous. Most men would of chewed your arm off to have the open relationship you had but he still wants his cake and eat it. Get rid.

isn't it supposed to be that I do the shagging and the woman ends up a bit out of her depth?

Yep, this. Let’s just say I’ve seen THAT one play out IRL a few times.