Kia ora! First time poster, long time lurker. I'm not a parent, but I think there's some good advice on these boards so hope you don't mind me posting. I'm also not in the UK.
My partner and I started out in an open relationship. This was his idea and he's previously had an open marriage whereas it was a first for me. It didn't work - jealousy on his part, insecurity on mine - and he suggested we have an exclusive relationship. We kept the door open for resuming a non-monogamous relationship in the future.
He cheated on me just before Christmas, I found out just after Christmas. We stayed together, and agreed we'd continue an exclusive relationship while scheduling a 'non monogamy chat' for late February.
Someone he used to sleep with contacted him when her relationship broke up a month ago. We talked then about whether he wanted to sleep with her. He assured me he didn't, and I asked that if that changed he talked to me about it first as we're still in an exclusive relationship. I want to be able to make my own decisions about what is acceptable to me in a relationship.
They have been messaging each other each week attempting to catch up. The messages have been pretty blatant about why.
This came up in our 'what's next for non monogamy chat' we had today, as I shared my insecurities about this woman specifically. He straight out lied to me, saying he wasn't in contact with her and ignored her messages. That was an absolute lie, as I have seen a message from today where he invited her over - it was a very clear invitation to hook up, which she refused. I don't think I can call him out on this as it will mean admitting I looked at his messages.
I hate that I've looked. To me, it's a symbol of the lack of trust in our relationship. It's also very important to me that I'm respected by my partner and I'm aware this is a sign I'm not showing that same respect. But even more so, I hate that he's lying to me like this.
I want to be in this relationship. I love him, he says he loves me. Our relationship is pretty volatile but we always get it back on track through good communication. But, I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm being lied to, or just told what someone thinks I want to hear. Particularly since I'm genuinely open to having a non monogamous relationship as long as we're clear about our parameters.
I also hate the lack of respect he shows women in these types of interactions - he hasn't told this woman for example we're still together and that we are in an exclusive relationship. The same thing holds - she has the right to this information to make her own informed choices.
I'm not sure why I'm posting, as I know what advice I'd give a friend. However, I'd appreciate any sage advice you have to offer. It has helped writing this all down at least.