What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

Sorry, I’ve only just come to this thread - and I’m sure I’ve missed lots. But it screams of gaslighting. I hope you’ve researched that OP? You sound incredibly nice, he is taking full advantage of that and manipulating you horribly. You don’t want this in your life, and in the long term (possibly marriage/kids) - it’s abusive and it will get worse. You don’t want to spend your whole life second guessing your actions and choices - with him manipulating your emotions. See this period of dating him as a test drive - which HE failed, and an experience YOU have learnt from. It will make you a stronger person - and better able to pick a worthy life partner.

@Newbie96

OP, I just read the full thread and you have had some wonderful advice on here.

I hope you're doing well as can be and regaining your physical and mental health. You come across as a wonderful young woman and I'm sure you have a bright future ahead full of loving and meaningful relationships, where you are valued and respected. Well done on staying strong and conducting yourself the way you have. Its definitely his loss! Good luck x

Pureau Probably, good luck to him. After everything, I don't wish him any bad you know? I hope he treats her better than he did me. Although I want him to understand the extent of what he has done, I feel like he got off the hook, if you know what I mean.

MojAlone Thank you, Moj, I realise that now. At the time I didn't see any of that and even now if I get too in my head it's dangerous because I could almost convince myself it wasn't all that bad. But it was and I need to move on. Just feels like I'm going to feel this way forever.

GiggleMcdimples21 Thank you so much. I have my days you know, I'm only human. I realise my confidence has been hit quite hard due to all of this, I feel like I'm not happy with my self mentally or physically at the moment. I guess it all takes time. I don't think he thinks it's a loss which makes it all that much harder. But hey ho, no point dwelling right x

You are doing so well.

I absolutely understand the feeling of him being let off the hook, but actually time will sort this one for you both. You will go on to be happy again (you will. Even though you won't feel like that now).

He will never have a functioning relationship because he is incapable of emotional maturity. He will be bitten on the arse many times over if he treats people the way he treated you and will end up alone, or in a messy, dysfunctional relationship and be miserable.

It is hard when it doesn't feel like that now, but it will come.

stuckinatrap Thank you, you have been consistently, amazingly supportive throughout my thread, I can't put into words how much it has helped me at dark times.

I know you are right, I will be happy again, it's just draining going through it lol, I wish there was an off button at times.
As for him, I would hope for his sake that he would sort himself out and maybe he was just like this with me and for the next lady he will be a dream but again I know you are right and his behaviour is self-destructive, to say the least.

You're incredible by the way, wish I had more people/ friends like you in my life x

That's so sweet of you to say.
I have had so much amazing support on here that I'm just trying to pay that forward a bit.
I love MN for things like this. You never meet so many people with similar experiences in one place. People here can feel your pain only too well.

Just read the whole thing...You are lovely OP

Him?

Well he’s going to end up in his pants in a lonely bedsit somewhere living off pot noodles. Probably with a string of perplexed exes who are just fucking grateful to be shot of him.

(Disclaimer I bloody love pot noodle, but only as part of a balanced diet 🤣)

BillMasheen Honestly, thank you very much for your comment and of course taking the time to read this mess!!
I did giggle and I am partial to a pot noodle myself. Good luck to him I guess!

Hello OP, how are you? I hope you're feeling okay.

I have followed but haven't commented until now as the lovely ladies on here have given such good advice already. But I just wanted to add one thing.

This experience is awful, but it's making you STRONGER in the long run. It is also making you a BETTER partner in future relationships, because now that you're looking back at this relationship and spotting red flags, you'll be able to stamp on future ones straight away.

You will be in other relationships, and some of them will also end, perhaps equally or more painfully. However, with every breakup from now on, you will have the knowledge that you've survived this very painful time by keeping your dignity and self-respect, and reaching out for support IRL and on here. You've done the right things to remove this utter scumbag from your life, and that takes strength.

Part of the pain when a relationship breaks up is based in fear. Fear of being alone, thoughts that being in a shit relationship is better than none, fear of never finding anyone else, fear of your friends secretly pitying you... etc etc. But that fear is NOT based on evidence. It's your own internalised beliefs, some formed from your experience of your parents' relationship, some from what you see in the media (i.e. single=sad, coupled=happy) and just a little from what you've consciously thought about and decided for yourself.

My therapist has taught me that when I'm feeling fear about something, to break down that fear, and then ask myself "Where's the evidence?" For example, I was fearful to contact an old friend that I'd not heard from in a while because I feared she was angry with me about something. That for me is a big trigger as my childhood beliefs can make me think that any negative emotion in a relationship (whether friendship, romantic, even work) means that I'm about to be abandoned.

So if you are starting to experience doubts and fears, ask yourself exactly what your fear is, and what the evidence is that that fear is likely to come to pass.

I know that you have a bright future ahead of you, and the painful experience of this break-up will ultimately put you steps closer to your eventual happiness.

Keep going!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Hello and thank you so, so much for your message. You sound incredibly wise and you are so very spot on with everything you just said, it actually made me tear up a little.

I am in a way, proud of myself for how I have handled this. You know the saying you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option, that has been me recently haha but in all honesty, I couldn't and wouldn't have done it without this thread. It really has made me believe that there are still many lovely and genuine people in the world.

As much as I loved and shamefully still love him, this situation has made me realise I need to focus and work on myself for a while. Hopefully, as you said, this lesson will teach me to be aware of red flags in potential partners. I just hope I don't build my wall too high, you know.

Thank you again, it's people like you we need more of.

For anyone still interested, or perhaps wondering, I thought I should provide an update.

I received a message Monday morning from 'him' via iMessage, his number is blocked and deleted, but after speaking to my friend, apparently, there is a 'trick' or something that you can do to contact a number, even if they have you blocked.

Anyway, the message read:
"Morning (my name), I've been having a mad couple of weeks and I wanted to let you know that I met up with (his ex's name) over the weekend, my head really is all over the place. I hope you have a good day today and I hope you had a good weekend x"

We exchanged some words, I expressed that I would like him to not contact me again and to leave me alone, that he has been nothing but a disappointment and doesn't realise or grasp how his actions have hurt or affected me.

What hurt me the most was that he was very dismissive of my feelings and a lot of his responses was the below;

"I'm sorry that you feel that way x" - with the x as an extra slap in the face.

"I haven't done anything bad to you" lol

"We haven't seen each other in ages so I thought it wouldn't be a problem"

"You've disappointed me too, so I guess we're the same"

I told him that his access to me, has been revoked and that I would no longer be responding, he continued for a bit and then blocked me again.

I officially changed my number yesterday.

I was unable to stay composed and actually broke down pretty bad and my work sent me home, I worked from home yesterday but I'm back in the office today. I'd be lying if I said I felt fine, but I'm okay and things can only get better right x

He's a shit. Him contacting you this way shows how immature he is, there was no need whatsoever for him to do this other than to try and press your buttons. You are doing great, fall down 7 times (have a cry and whatever else you need to do) and stand up 8 or as many times as it takes. He is not worth your tears, by all means shed them for yourself because sometimes we need to and then pick yourself up and carry on.

My ex smoked dope a lot and his behaviour sounds very, very similar.

I remember your post and commented before. Absolute classic narcissist! He can't stand that you blocked him and didn't play his games! I don't think this will be the last you hear of him sadly. He's been fed a little bit now as he knows you were upset and he's going to want to hurt you more. The fact that he's still contacting you despite being blocked and finding devious ways to do it, is concerning. Please don't respond to him again, if he does contact you please contact the police. You've blocked him and have been absolutely clear that you don't want further contact. Anything more from him is harassment. The police will be interestedly know, this sort of thing is more common than we realise and they do take it seriously. Big hugs, stay strong. Xxx

Oh no! What an absolute arsewipe that man is.

There was no reason for him to contact you to tell you he's been talking to his ex! What possible motive could there have been other than to inflict even more pain? Is he trying to make you jealous? Why?!

You have done well to change your number. I'm sorry that you had to.

I am so angry that he did this when you were coming through the worst of it. He has just reopened a wound and poured salt in. I'm so sorry.

I know it's hard, but try to ignore his hurtful words. You did nothing wrong. You were never a disappointment. If you disappointed him at all it was in being strong enough to not accept his bullshit - and he is welcome to feel disappointed by that all day long, but the blame for that is all his.

I also know that him claiming that he did nothing to you will be absolutely killing you - because he has got away with it with his self-righteousness in tact and he has no recognition that what he did was very, very wrong indeed.

The sad thing is that he may never realise that.

However, he is still there trying to push your buttons, so he clearly gives more of a shit than he would ever admit. You aren't the one trying to make contact. You've walked away. You are the one with the dignity here.

Just sending lots of love to you today.

(Oh - and this is the poster formerly known as stuckinatrap - I had an IT issue and am having to use a different account)

What a fucking tosser. He treats you like that then can't even let you go, keeps coming back to blame it on you and now to try to taunt you with an ex. Oh my, what a fail he is. Lots of love, you are far far too good for someone like that. Next time he finds a way to contact you and needle you, don't dignify it with a response.

Oh and I'm with all those saying that it's clear that you are still under his skin and somewhere he knows he is in the wrong. Why else would he be trying to make you feel bad still? He thought you'd come running back, well too bad for him. He'll realise one day what he lost, mark my words. Tosser.

justhadtopost Thank you! He really is. There really was no need to attempt to contact me again with that information, I don't need to know what you get up to anymore. It was like he was trying to stick the knife in and you are very right, I allowed myself the last two days to cry it out but I'm not crying over him anymore. I just want peace and he doesn't bring that, ever.

ThatOtherPoster It's wild how it could affect people so negatively and I'm sorry that you've been through hell too! Although I am convinced it must run a lot deeper than just a weed addiction.

Alicenwonderland Ah honestly, thank you for your support on my thread! To be honest, once I changed my number, I weirdly felt as though a weight had been lifted, there can be no surprise messages at all now, even when I had blocked him and no one that has my new number would give it to him. It was like a weird, closure moment. I do think you are right and it's as though he enjoyed knowing that he got a reaction out of me... which really does just make him a very nasty person.

lifeissweet Hello! stuckinatrap I re-read this thread fairly often and your messages always stick out to me, thank you so much for being so kind. I feel as though I shouldn't be surprised at what a prick he is by now haha but I wanted to update you all. You are very right and it really does seem as though he thought, hm she seems like she's doing ok, let me go back and remind her of the pain I've caused.

Yes! when he said he hadn't done anything to hurt/ wrong me, in my head i could think of so many, I just remember reiterating to him to leave me alone and his childish response was "see, you said I've been bad to you but you can't actually tell me what I've done" - that was when I shut down and told him I wouldn't entertain his bullshit any longer.
I feel okay, thank you. I feel like all the answers are and have been in front of me for a while now, so I have nothing to dwell on. I've had a cry (or several) and now it's time for me to leave him in the past and close this chapter!

GrumpyTerrier Thank you for your words! Honestly after everything and especially confirming what everyone said might be true. I am done and will never allow him to get to me again! I hope he does, but i don't think he ever will. He has convinced himself for far to long that he cant do not wrong, so good luck to him x

What an immature prick
He obviously hates the fact you ignored him so much he massively went out of his way to provoke you
He sounds like he's 15 ffs

Loads of men do this OP, they are too cowardly to just end it and so turn the whole thing on its head and make it your fault.
I reckon he has someone else.
If someone did to me that would and have been dumped for good.
If they want out of the relationship then they need to stop being wet limp dicks and say so.

fedup078 Thank you for your comment lovely, I know, can you believe he's going to be 28!

Shehasadiamondinthesky I agree, honesty really is just the best way forward.

RandomMess Thank you for commenting

Just read the start and end - sorry you went through this and well done for being strong. It sounds even harder because he seemed like a good guy for years and then suddenly flipped with no warning, so it might feel like just rewinding two months would get the good guy back, but I guess he wasn't a good guy at all - he just hadn't shown it yet. Hope things keep getting better for you from here.