What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

Just read this thread and reflecting on my own experiences.

Firstly, OP you've done nothing wrong. Whatsoever.

I've met men like this - more than once. My fault, I didn't listen to my better judgement as I believed it was me. I was the issue. I called, begged, text as it was all so confusing. I completely understand where you came from. I also completely understand the pushing. I push when I can't compute, don't understand. Unfortunately I still do it to this day and I really struggle with the rejection of 'I need space'. It's probably a hangover from years of shit boundaries on my behalf (see how I'm conditioned to blaming myself?)

I'm now in a solid, loving relationship many years on. Yet still, I have hangovers from the past. I could have learned more at the time, acted with more self love and when I read your thread back it scared me how compliant I was to all the shitty behaviour from before.

You're doing so well. I can only imagine it's murder. Do this now so that when you're further down the line you can look back with admiration - and not horror like me.

Have just caught up with your thread. You have had some fantastic advice. I just wanted to add my two pence worth!

When I started reading your posts, I knew how this would play out. That he would be in contact in a few days, controlling the narrative.

Your comment about what he said in the early part of your relationship (if you won't listen, you will feel) is a major red flag. It made me feel very uncomfortable on your behalf.

The events of the past few days are an extension of the previous comments. He is training you to accept his needs and wishes above your own.

Sadly, you have been a convenient girlfriend for Lockdown. But now Lockdown is moving towards the end stages, he wants to make sure that the relationship is on his terms only. Selfish, selfish man.

Hey all,
I genuinely cannot thank you all enough for how lovely and support you have been towards me, a complete stranger!

I managed to drag myself to work today but I do feel really quite weak and wish I didn't have to deal with any of this.

I go through a rollercoaster of emotions hourly lol, i am okay but my chest feels empty and I feel very sick today!

If someone hasn't told you today, you are all amazingly remarkable women.

I do intend on blocking, but I don't feel strong enough just yet. I keep going to do it and then the anxiety kicks in but I will... It just sucks.

If you are strong enough to ignore, not blocking might just be eyeopening enough for you to move on happily. Because his tone will change.

If someone hasn't told you today, you are all amazingly remarkable women.

You know that you are as well, don't you?

Thank us and yourself by blocking him. On everything. Or if not, give us a reasoned and objective and legitimate reason why not. Clue: you won’t have one, so go back to blocking him!

He has no entitlement to your time, attention or pity. He has no right to any of your headspace.

Prepare for when he starts to beg. I reckon you're only a couple of weeks away, maybe even 2 days away from when he turns up unannounced to say how sorry he is blah blah blah and can you try again.

DON'T take him back. He's a user and he won't change. He'll do it to you all over again.

You've known him for years and you think he's "special' because you've known him since you were very young. But he's still immature and needs to go out and be with other women.

I think you need someone much more mature, maybe 10 years older who has done all that chasing around and being uncertain about what they want.

Please don't do it to yourself if he comes crawling back and wants another chance. I know you think you love him - but you don't love him. He's a shit and he'll do it again in this nasty blank cruel way. He's got form now so remember that.

This thread is one of the most supportive I have ever seen. I am a bit further on in this situation but your advice is still relevant and so helpful, thank you so much. I am more of a lurker usually but so grateful that I just wanted say so. As for the OP, you are doing great, keep it up and keep this thread close by.

Youre the amazing one op-keep going you can do this

I love the though of arses like this behaving this way and then, when you don't respond at all, saying "hey, wait a minute, no, hang on..... This is not what was supposed to happen, she's supposed to grovel."

Another vote for the Dumped By Text thread. Running In Rain rocks. If she's updated, I expect to see that she has run (and possibly won) several marathons, married a total god who worships the ground she runs on and rules over an empire that stretches across several solar systems.

@TheSecondMrsAshwell
I love the though of arses like this behaving this way and then, when you don't respond at all, saying "hey, wait a minute, no, hang on..... This is not what was supposed to happen, she's supposed to grovel."

If you feel strong enough to resist then don’t block him, read his texts & ignore them, it will drive him mad & serve him right for treating you so badly.
You deserve someone better - tell yourself that every day.

@Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a

If you are strong enough to ignore, not blocking might just be eyeopening enough for you to move on happily. Because his tone will change.

I wanted to say this too.

If the wording of his initial dumping text made you angry, just wait until he starts getting aggressive or manipulative about your lack of response. He will hang himself with his own words eventually when you aren't toeing the line. It might help to see what nonsense he is spewing.

@Rainbowshine

Thank us and yourself by blocking him. On everything. Or if not, give us a reasoned and objective and legitimate reason why not. Clue: you won’t have one, so go back to blocking him!

He has no entitlement to your time, attention or pity. He has no right to any of your headspace.

This.

I should think knowing your phone could ping any minute with him texting God knows what to you would be far more anxiety-provoking than just blocking.

You know yourself best of course and it is your decision. The only “good” thing about keeping this going is as a previous poster mentioned - his tone will change as you ignore him and he’ll reveal his true colours.

Although I think he has done that already, wouldn’t you say?

Going forward every minute of your time should go on you not him. He isn’t worth it

I actually think 'hey' was angering enough!

In my oh too full experience, there are a number of lines of attack you are likely to face. Forewarned is fore-armed and all...

You will get a passive aggressive Priti Patel apology 'I'm sorry you feel like this.'

He may actually progress into self-flagellating apologies about how wrong he was and how much he hates himself and wishes he had behaved differently (this will depend on the type of arsehole you are dealing with. Some men would never do this).

You may get 'I thought our relationship meant more to you than to throw it away because of one little misunderstanding.'

You will get a lot of 'can't we just talk about it?' Pleading.

You might get a 'I wish you nothing but luck. Goodbye' (hint: it isn't goodbye. He won't leave it there if you don't respond). This one may be full of what a great person you are and how much he cares about you.

He will almost certainly get: 'please answer, I'm really worried about you.' (He isn't)

I am sure others with the same experience will add examples of their own.

This is helpful in that, when you receive a message like one of these, you can laugh at how tediously predictable his attempts at manipulation really are. You're a step or three ahead.

@TheSecondMrsAshwell
Well said ! Many posters have advised OP to block, and OP, you sound like a lovely person, how are you at being nasty? If I'd been treated like you , I would enjoy reading all his whingeing messages just so I could ignore . . . .for at least a week . . .then block

@stuckinatrap that's a great post.

I think he will do all of those things.

He will be furious his text has been ignored.

I've been following your thread too, OP, and you've done fabulously well to stay so strong. It is absolutely the best thing and shows amazing will power and self-discipline.

Agree with you and PP: absolutely do not respond to his text. One major learning I've had in romantic relationships is - don't waste your time asking yourself why someone has behaved in a particular way. You will probably never know the answer - he may not even know the answer (consciously at least) - and anyway that is a slippery path which can lead to excusing bad behaviour. The questions should always be (i) what has the person done?; and (ii) how do you feel about it? Depending on the answers to those questions, you can decide how to proceed.

He has treated you shockingly badly - abusing you, throwing you out of the house, blocking you. Most of us behave badly sometimes. My DH and I will occasionally have a fierce argument which involves shouting but neither of us have ever behaved like him - his behaviour is really off the scale. At some level, he had decided he wanted rid of the relationship but didn't have the guts or wherewithal to tell you. You can't have someone who treats you like that in your life.

But ultimately, I think he's done you a favour. The fact that you were friends always on the edge of "will we/won't we" has, I think, stopped you moving on with someone else. He's now torpedoed what you had and shown what a mindfuck he's capable of being. I think, once the pain has passed, this will prove to be the thing that snipped the cord which bound you to him and allowed you to move on to someone else.

Well done OP, i've been reading your thread since the start. You are doing great, one day at a time

No doubt he is getting himself wound up because you haven't replied. Keep on ignoring him, it'll proper piss him off and you have all the control.

Soo just thought you should all know I have deleted and blocked his number. I had also already deactivated my social media so there is no way of him being able to contact me as of now.

I don't know how I feel, relieved when I blocked but also lost.

@Newbie96

That’s positive steps. It’s fine to feel lost, every time you do think of the confused hurt feeling you had that night when he pulled the rug from underneath you, think about how he took a week to contact you, without an apology or excuse. Think about while you were heartbroken he was Swiping left in tinder. Abs hopefully that helps you remember you’ve made the right decision.

Sending you positive vibes.

Onwards and upwards OP.

I know that was tough..... but taken away some of the pressure of perhaps waiting for that ping.

You've got this!

And if you feel like you haven't, post here.............

We are all rooting for you.

Well done Newbie96!! You're amazing. So strong.

There's been some brilliant advice on here. You won't ever understand why he's done what he's done but in the end, that's not your problem now. He's had the character to behave this way in the first place which is a HUGE red flag.

Now you must move on and wait for someone so much better than this. I'm so sorry he let you down so badly. You deserve so so so much better.

Well done for blocking him. You will feel lost right now but you will start to feel STRONG!

You're amazing and deserve better than him.

Well done! You brilliant woman!