What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

CleverCatty - Thank you, your so sweet. I definitely need some things to look forward to, I am glad lockdown will be lifted soon. It was my sisters birthday today so I sent her some flowers and a gift so I enjoyed that excitement whilst it lasted.

Strangely enough, my close friends haven't given me any of this advice that you have all given me. My BEST friend actually just responded and said "you'll hear from him" great, thanks.

stuckinatrap - That is actually a really good idea, I think I may do that on my way home in my notes just to keep distracted.

Not to be so repetitive but the strength I did have for the past couple of hours has diminished and I miss him so bad right now it hurts.

EURGH This sucks.

Hang on in there! The early days are like a sickening rollercoaster and you cycle through emotions at lightning speed.

Of course you miss him. You've had no closure and I'm willing to bet that you are constantly checking your phone to see if he gets in touch. Not , maybe, that you actually want to speak to him, but you must be so curious as to what he has to say for himself.

I can tell you now that whatever he says won't help.

The most worrying thing from the sidelines (having done all of the wrong things in your situation) is that he will come back with a big, fat love bomb. In your vulnerable state, part of you would have a big wave of relief and you will want to fix it.

Please, God, don't! The behaviour you have described now you are recognising the red flags you turned away from is horrible - and that was before he flipped out at you.

You've got this. You just need to get through it.

The brilliant thing about MN is that there are lots of women on here, so you don't have to worry about one or two friends getting bored about you going over and over it all. You can do that here and no one will judge or say 'enough is enough, now, pull your socks up.'

This takes time and it's excessively painful.

Keep talking.

I think this has been a 'lockdown romance'...a bit like a holiday or shipboard romance. For a year it's been just the pair of you, in your own little bubble, and it's been a novelty to him...but now, with then end of lockdown in sight, the novelty has worn off.

You said that for the hour you were both sat in silence, he was on his phone ... I would bet he's starting to have a look at what else is available out there, and doesn't want you around making him feel guilty while he does so. The minute you left he blocked you on social apps - he probably doesn't want to risk you seeing anything you wouldn't be happy about.

Both his remarks, both at the beginning of the relationship and the last one are very controlling, he feels the need to 'punish' you for behaviour he doesn't like or deems 'wrong'. Along with what happened on Friday, that's at least 3 strikes against him - he needs to stay out.

stuckinatrap - Thank you so much, i can't put into words how much I have needed this support.
I am currently crying walking to the train station. Honestly, i would not wish this pain on anyone.

What are you going to do when you get home? Have a plan so you're not lost all evening.

Have a cry, but put a time limit on it and then do something just for you. Watch something easy (your concentration span might be crap), do something creative (this can really help as you will achieve something), call someone (and talk about something else, if you can), try to have something to do that isn't too taxing, but is distracting.

Try to eat (I know it's hard!). Make it something you really, really enjoy even if you can only eat a couple of mouthfuls. That sick feeling only gets worse if you don't - it's a self fulfilling problem.

You are in shock and you need to be gentle with yourself.

Oh OP. I’ve been there. I never thought I was going to recover. I felt sick and ill for weeks. I never thought I would heal. When he contacts you, as he will, remember this pain. I say that because no other human being has the right to treat you this way. And you need to avoid him because if he has made you feel like this once he will do so again. I wish I could rewind the clock to the first time my ex made me feel like this because I would have cut him loose there and then. I nearly managed it but after a lot of cajoling I took him back. Big mistake because he went on to do it again. And again. And worse.

He has done you a favour by showing his true colours now...before you live together, get married, have children and ties. You were single once and survived very well. You will survive again. You are free to meet someone a whole lot better when the time is right. Don’t waste another moment of your life on this man.

I am so sorry you are going through this. 💐 for you and a big hug 🤗.

+[brew} +

I'm so sorry you are going through this ,you sound so lovely .What a cruel man .And selfish and stupid . What a lot he's lost .

Sending you strength and love .Just keep putting one foot in front of the other .You will get through this ,and be the stronger for it .

@Newbie96

stuckinatrap - Thank you so much, i can't put into words how much I have needed this support. I am currently crying walking to the train station. Honestly, i would not wish this pain on anyone.

We’ve got you

We’re all here as we know EXACTLY what you’re going through and how you’re feeling right now. I remember that physical pain in my chest and stomach, the uncontrollable sobbing and utter rage! It’s normal emotions you need to ride to get through to the other end.

You’re vulnerable right now so if that twat gets in contact (which he is very likely to), you need to stay strong and only communicate on YOUR terms and get in a good headspace prior.

On the subject of friends, they don’t want to see you hurt and will tell you what they think you want to hear...coming from a good place. We’re speaking the truth as we don’t know you but we’ve had the same experience.

I’m fairly sure they’ll be someone reading and replying on here day and night, so don’t feel you’re alone.

I understand you wanted answers but he did ask you to leave, and that’s why you should have done. Forget the do you really want me to go stuff. It’s awful but it’s ended and if you don’t let you you’ll end up in knots. Move on

Sorry I don’t have any advice. But just wanted to say that I’m sorry this has happened to you! And you will be happier in a future that doesn’t involve him. You deserve to be with someone who would never treat you like that!

Thank you all, I hope you are all having a lovely evening.

I feel pretty low, it always seems so much worse when I’m home, alone. Weirdly, although it was him that was wrong and I’m the one that’s hurting, I’m concerned about him and if he is okay? I know I shouldn’t be, I just can’t help it.

I agree, IEat, I can’t explain it. I could see it all unraveling and just wanted to save the situation.

It says a great deal about you as a person that you are worrying about him after what he has done to you.

I think he really doesn't deserve your concern. I know it's hard. It is a habit you have to break. You can't turn it off like a switch.

But I don't see him having any concern for you. He didn't when he treated to that way and he didn't when he blocked you. No matter what he thinks you did (you did nothing) and how emotionally immature he is, he must know how hurt you are - and yet here you are.

When the sadness and shock have passed the anger will come. Use it when it does. You have a right to be angry and it will make you feel stronger.

@Newbie96

Thank you all, I hope you are all having a lovely evening.

I feel pretty low, it always seems so much worse when I’m home, alone. Weirdly, although it was him that was wrong and I’m the one that’s hurting, I’m concerned about him and if he is okay? I know I shouldn’t be, I just can’t help it.

You need to do everything you can to distract yourself. Like breaking a habit like biting your nails. Every day that passes and you don't contact him is a success and it will get easier with time. I hope you've blocked him everywhere.

You're doing fab.

It's very bizarre to randomly ask someone you've been in a relationship for the past year to leave. I'd imagine you didn't think he was serious at first, and of course you would question wtf is going on.

@IEat seems to think you should have obeyed the patriarchal order to leave without a whimper.

Fuck that. I'd have demanded to know what was up.

On my thread several years ago, some wise soul told me to mark a calendar with every day of no contact and have a treat booked in for every 2nd day to begin with, then 5th, then 7th... until you don't need the motivation to keep him gone.

It was a good thing to do. You don't want to have contact and go back to Day 1. You don't want to do Day 1 ever again. If you let him contact you and engage with him then sooner or later you will have to do Day 1 all over. You're living it now. It sucks. Don't let it happen to you again.

@TatianaBis

It's very bizarre to randomly ask someone you've been in a relationship for the past year to leave. I'd imagine you didn't think he was serious at first, and of course you would question wtf is going on.

@IEat seems to think you should have obeyed the patriarchal order to leave without a whimper.

Fuck that. I'd have demanded to know what was up.

I agree. It is easy to say what you would have done in a situation with the luxury of not being in that exact situation. It is easy to bandy around 'what you should have done is...'

I am sure OP has done plenty of wishing she had done things differently. She can't go back, though, so it is entirely unhelpful.

Whatever she did or didn't do, she is where she is now and didn't deserve what happened. I am hoping you move on gradually, OP, so don't be tempted to think this is your fault. It really isn't.

@TatianaBis

It's very bizarre to randomly ask someone you've been in a relationship for the past year to leave. I'd imagine you didn't think he was serious at first, and of course you would question wtf is going on.

@IEat seems to think you should have obeyed the patriarchal order to leave without a whimper.

Fuck that. I'd have demanded to know what was up.

Totally agree with you! When it happened to me, as it was out of character (at that point) for him to act this way, I was worried for his emotional well being! Sounds like OP was too and was totally within her right to want to know what the hell was going on!

OP, I have been where you are. My ExH did this multiple times over the years we were together. He would go silent/create an atmosphere and then blame me for it, even though I had no idea what was going on.

He would break up with me over nonsensical things and when I was devastated, the next day he would cry and say he never meant it etc. Unfortunately, at the time I felt relieved that he took me back (had been disowned at the time and couldn't face going home).

I stayed, we got married and it got worse over the years - there was emotional abuse (and sometimes physical). I walked on eggshells the entire time. There were times where he would be playing video games, I hadn't spoken to him and he'd be pissed off at me.

There were times I was in a really good mood and he would piss all over my chips because HE was in a bad mood from work. So would play on my insecurities so that I'd feel as shit as him.

As PP have said, this is about control and if you take him back, he will do this again. He did this on my birthday one year, we were going out to eat and had a drink at the bar, he pretty much ignored me to play a game on his phone, then lost it with me on the way to the restaurant because he left his other phone at the bar, told me to go back and get it. I refused, we ate dinner in stony silence - eventually he did the usual, we don't work, we should split up etc. Every time he did this, I would beg/plead for him to stay, for us to work through it - similar to you - I could see it unravelling and wanted to fix it. However, this time I refused, I agreed with him - we did need to split up. You should have seen his face! He didn't know what to do because he expected me to beg/plead for us to stay together.

Unfortunately, it was another year before I finally said I wanted a divorce and we did do counselling (bad idea!) where he admitted to "testing me" and if I "failed" then he saw that as a rejection, therefore felt justified in being abusive. Apparently my choosing him over my family wasn't enough evidence.

Be strong, it is hard! But as others have said, you haven't wasted time, you have learned a lot through this experience and will come out the better for it.

Honesty OP,

So many of us will be a little envious of you that you got out as fast as you did. Chuffed for you- you'll feel amazing in time. Just takes time 💐

he did ask you to leave, and that’s why you should have done.
I disagree. He engineered the whole situation. Whatever her reaction has been would have been wrong because he was in control and was deliberately engineering an argument to get this outcome. If she had tried to just leave, she’d probably have been told (by him) she was in the wrong as he didn’t mean it and her trying to run away is indicative that she doesn’t care about him and he’d still be acting the same way.

Don’t beat yourself up for being upset, not leaving and questioning him. He’s deliberately put you on the back foot and his behaviour was entirely out of the blue so it’s hardly surprising you were confused, upset and trying to work out what the hell was going on. Your reaction was normal. But you couldn’t have done anything however you reacted to him to change the outcome because this is what he wanted to happen and he’d have made sure this was the result however you reacted.

Feeling like this is horrible, but it will get better. It’s entirely normal to be upset and tearful. You will feel better in time.

Thing is, your sister’s probably right... You probably WILL hear from him, when he wants a booty call. You’re going to have to remind yourself that he had you conditioned to feel so grateful to have him in your life that you accepted the crumbs of what was really (for him) a relationship of convenience. (Do you really think it would have been a thing/lasted if not for lockdown? I think he’s probably thinking that he gets to go back on the prowl looking for fresh victims soon.) These guys have a way of hooking you in by telling you how great THEY are until you believe it, and spend your whole time nurturing them and losing yourself. The kind of pseudo nurturing you get back in return comes with strings that eat away at your self-esteem... such as, if you’ve always been the type of person who likes going to a nice little restaurant, he’ll take you to a noisy pub (probably with HIS friends, whom he’ll chat to instead of you...) - which you won’t really enjoy, but you have to pretend to be grateful for it anyway. Exhausting....

You sound lovely and he's definitely not worthy of you.

There are plenty of decent men out there. I just hope that this doesn't change you in any way because with the right person, you sound like you have amazing qualities in abundance.

Ther ARE people out there who appreciate this so i hope it doesn't make you put a wall up and spoil something amazing with the right person when you're ready.

God love, you’ve come a long way already

Well done!! I’m so glad, you will be ok, you will get past this

And yes, we most definitely got you!

@Newbie96

Thank you all, I hope you are all having a lovely evening.

I feel pretty low, it always seems so much worse when I’m home, alone. Weirdly, although it was him that was wrong and I’m the one that’s hurting, I’m concerned about him and if he is okay? I know I shouldn’t be, I just can’t help it.

It's natural to be worried about him as his behaviour is so out of character, but I suspect that one day you'l run into him and he'll be with another woman and you'll kick yourself for wasting so much on this man. Be worried about yourself and take care of yourself.