What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

Cherchez la femme.....
sounds like he might have met someone else and either has or wants to start a relationship with her.
So that he can then end things with you without looking like a total shit he then manufactures a situation which escalates and blames you for it.

In any case, the relationship is over. You wouldn't be able to trust him again now he has behaved like this and I'd be worried for my safety if it was me. The next time it could be worse.

I had this wth an ex of mine - he'd been chatting to some woman on WhatsApp and then out of the blue (when he was drunk) the situation escalated in exactly the same way. I STUPIDLY took him back a couple of months later only for the same thing to happen again a year on down the line.

You might not feel like this now but it is for the best. You can move on and meet someone who is going to treat you properly.

Oh OP, I too think you have had a lucky escape.

It has reminded me vividly and precisely of a time when, 10 months or so into the relationship that I thought was the love of my life, my boyfriend completely fabricated some wrong I had done to him (apparently years before we met), whilst we were on a weekend away and refused to speak to me the entire weekend. I didn't see it for what it was and it took me another 5 years of emotional abuse to leave.

Leave him to it OP. You are young, don't waste time on the controlling manipulative fool.

Hi OP,

I havent read the whole thread but I hope noone called you pathetic (I read all your comments and noticed you said you know you sound it) because it's not at all. it must be horrible to suddenly be shut out like this by someone you love, must feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath you.

the idea he might of wanted to smoke holds more weight to my mind then you probably think. I'm not saying all people who have smoked weed but the few I've been out with who have can have illogical bursts of anger. maybe he actually was still smoking it and hadnt had a chance to get any that day.

I think I would go along with that more than the idea he has met someone else tbh.

either way you deserve much better. I wouldnt be able to trust someone again who blocked me and threw me out their house over such a tiny thing. would always feel on egg shells. good luck x

I think this video would be good for you to watch OP

I agree with the others , he looked for an excuse to blame you. It’s over! please block and delete him now and walk away with your dignity. You do not have to apologise to him for anything ...

Hope you're OK OP, my one piece of advice would be to block him on everything, you'll never be able to trust him now and I have no doubt he'll try to come crawling back at some point. Take back the power, get him blocked and move on.

Sounds awful. You’re in love with him and expected better in terms of communication. If both of you are serious about the relationship he needs to realise he massively overreacted and you held on desperately. There are deep seated reasons for both no doubt unless this is the beginning of a pattern of behaviour. Question is is it worth the energy to invest in each other and if so, you both need to learn how to communicate fast. Speaking as someone who has been terrible at communicating in the past. Good luck. Sorry it feels so painful right now.

He sounds a complete and utter twat but also from what you said about him being good looking and charming etc - it sounds like he's discovered this again recently - and has met someone else but is too much of a wimp to say so.

If you hadn't know him since you were young and had so much history I'd actually be more understanding of him or expect him to treat you better, he owes you a bit more than treating you so badly, e.g. to be honest with you if he had met someone else.

Someone who blocks you on everything and messes you around, honestly you're 25, don't run back to him, just accept it's ended, do the break-up bit (cry, watch romcoms etc) and move on.

Also I know it's harsh but rarely are there 'the ones' or 'the ones who got away' - yes there are some people we feel a certain connection/chemistry etc with but if you let yourself feel so attached to them you won't give yourself space to let someone really nice into your life.

Don't say you acted like a pathetic little girl.

Whatever you had said or done his reaction would have been the same. If you had left immediately he would have shouted at you for not caring.

He wanted a row. And I think he's probably had his head turned.

Stay strong and don't be tempted to go back for more of the same.

You sound lovely and thoughtful and I am so sorry this is happening.
The relationship started off fast and escalated quickly - this is what controlling men often do.
You will feel devastated - in reality you really have had a lucky escape.
Look after yourself - talk with friends real life, to your GP. Get some exercise.
It is not your fault.💐

Oh bless you OP ,how awful and so unexpected...you really have been knocked sideways. I have read most of your comments and was very puzzled until you mentioned that he used to smoke weed regularly....am thinking that is probably your answer!! As hard as it is to feel right now ...you have dodged a bullett.
Please don’t let this shock knock your confidence...give yourself time to heal 💐

Thank you, everyone!
stampsurprise, i will be sure to watch this on my break today.

Looking back on the whole situation now, it was as though his face had changed - I genuinely didn't recognise him.

I had a boyfriend who did this to me. One morning in bed at his parents he told me it was finished. No explanation nothing. I must admit I was very upset. I thought this was who I was going to be with for ever. I did the same as you left messages etc. He didn’t reply. 6 months later he came back and apologised. I was an idiot. I let him back. I didn’t ask enough questions as I was just grateful he was back. I thought I had won. We got married. 20 years later he had an affair (not with anyone previous as they are too young). We are now divorced. In hindsight I hadn’t won. What had happened was he had been dumped. I was second best at that time.

My advice to you is move on. Live life without him. If someone can be that cruel to another adult they are not worth knowing. Meet other people and forget about him. If he can do this once he will do it again.

You haven't wasted your time. You've experienced the relationship you've been hankering after for years. It hasn't worked out but you enjoyed it while it lasted.

He wasn't necessarily lying to you when he said nice things. He may have meant them while he said them. Sadly love and passion don't always last forever.

Those two things being said, from what you have told us, this guy sounds like a player and a user. I am sure that at some point in the future he will contact you again. No apologies, just 'hey babe, I've missed you, let's meet up'. Don't fall for it. It won't mean he has changed or discovered he has deep rooted feelings for you. It will mean he wants to use you again until something better (weed or another woman) comes along.

You sound like a very genuine, caring young woman. You deserve better than this. There are good guys out there for you. You don't need the likes of him.

Just wanted to add I’ve been here, and it hurt all the more because we’d been friends before so I trusted him as a friend at least. It was very hurtful, disappointing and upsetting that even as a friend he’d act like that. I’m sorry OP

I think he had already had some weed or wanted some

Of course he will come crawling back promising to 'forgive' you. Of course your behaviour drove him back to weed.

Nasty fucker even if this isnt true

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada , that's just it, before the romantic aspect of our relationship, our friendship is what I valued the highest.

He was always someone I could rely on when it came to advising or just a general chat about what's going on in our lives, he was my go-to, or so it seemed. That hurts the most I think because I've lost my friend and my boyfriend.

It's always good to know the reality of what your first love is actually like. Then it doesn't stay idealised.

He has either met someone else or just wants to end it, but is too much of a coward to be honest. So he is making it look like you've done something wrong to make him feel less guilty. It's over, and he is a shit.

I know it's often another woman being lined up that makes men behave badly, but I'm not so sure in this case. Sounds more like a weed/drug issue.

It does sound like he could have slipped back into his weed ways.

It won’t feel like it right now, but you have had a lucky escape. In 12 months time you will look back and think what a jerk. However, that won’t heal your current hurt. One thing you can do is sit down and write a letter spilling all your feelings, everything you would like to say to his face. Don’t send it, but do re read it after a day or two, and add stuff as you want.reading it will help, as instead of going round in circles in your mind, you have it in order on paper.
Block him and do not be tempted to contact him. Don’t massage his ego by letting him think he has upset you. You deserve much better, and I promise, you will find it. Be kind to yourself in the next few weeks. Indulge your self in TV YOU want to watch, food YOU want to eat. Doing things YOU want to do.
Grit your teeth, you will feel better soon xx

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape, OP.
I fully understand that it doesn't feel that way now. But anyone who would treat you like this, is not someone you want in your life. Previous good times mean nothing. This is who he is. Listen to what he's told you and keeps telling you with his ghosting. If you ever hear from him again, steer clear, he is bad news. Be strong. Learn from this. Move on stronger.

@Newbie96

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada , that's just it, before the romantic aspect of our relationship, our friendship is what I valued the highest.

He was always someone I could rely on when it came to advising or just a general chat about what's going on in our lives, he was my go-to, or so it seemed. That hurts the most I think because I've lost my friend and my boyfriend.

I had a similar relationship where I was 'friends and boyfriend' with someone for ages too and yes it does hurt because you think you can depend on them.

Well it sounds like you're better off without somebody like that! From what I can tell you didn't do anything wrong. He just didn't have the balls to end it and turned it on you. Don't try and contact him or beg him. Respect yourself. You deserve better.