Confusing behaviour

[Savemyself]

Name changed for this..

It will sound petty in the grand scheme of things but its how he reacts to me that I cant get my head around

Back story.. my Boyfriend has always got annoyed over things with me on social media, like my active status saying I'm online when I'm not, men liking my stuff, which leads him to accusing me of lying about being online and I must be chatting to men etc (which I haven't been) and accusing me of cheating etc.. previously in an argument he angrily demanded I delete all random mens accounts that wasn't actual friends/family which I did to keep the peace and stop him blowing up at me more

If there was any argument or disagreement etc he will end the relationship and block me on social media platforms messaging calls etc
This has created me to become insecure in the relationship and lately made me think he must be hiding something if he keeps me blocked, to which he claims he's doing nothing and hes nothing to hide hes nothing but honest etc and its my fault that he blocks me.

Anyway the latest is id found out he had reactivated an old account on social media..no big deal. I was blocked on it but my friend showed me when she saw it then, he had newly added a load of girls on it.. I asked him about it and he said he was doing nothing on it wasn't following anyone etc yet id already seen he had when my friend showed me it from her account.. he eventually "proved" to me he was doing nothing on it by unblocking me and showing me the account to which he had conveniently unfollowed the girls.
I felt hurt that he had lied to me... especially as he professes so much about how honest and upfront he is and il be lucky to find another man who is so honest..
Id told him id already seen it and knew he had just lied to me and asked calmly why he felt the need to lie and delete the girls if there was nothing to hide. he then blew up at me accused me of always looking for drama and I'm so insecure and untrusting and need help etc
When I pointed out that he'd lied and its that which had upset me he then twisted it all onto me and said it was all on me it was all my fault and I think so little of him etc and then makes out im accusing him of cheating and that it must be me cheating and its my guilt making me accusing him of cheating?? Buy i hadn't done that id just asked why he lied? Then he went on to say things like he was going to find someone who's "actually loving and not insecure and untrusting"
Theres been many things like this but this is the latest and need help making sense of what is happening here because I cant..

Its made me feel totally confused.. like how can his lie be my fault? I dont understand what iv done wrong? Have I done something wrong? Whys he putting words in my mouth saying I'm accusing him of cheating then saying its.me cheating? The whole thing makes me feel like my head literally spins

Run! It will only get worse

Red flag red flag red flag.

And it's a bad sign that you're even trying to understand and reason with him.

I never really say this on here because i am a firm believer in two sides to every story, but this sounds mental.
I couldn't be with someone who causes so much drama in my life. Relationships are meant to be happy and loving, where you can trust your partner to be a proper life partner. If you don't have trust then you're on borrowed time.

Its not you, its him. He is a manipulative and controlling individual and this is not petty at all. You are in an abusive relationship here, controlling behaviours like he is showing you are rooted in abuse. He wants absolute power and control here over you and your choices in life/friends and basically everything.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think about this too.

Dump this controlling man today before he goes onto damage you further emotionally or become a person you no longer recognise in the mirror. There are so many red flags re this particular individual here which you seriously need to take heed of. This is NOT someone you should be at all in a relationship with!!.

There is no reasoning with someone like this and he will not change. This is who he is and you need to end this relationship before you get further dragged down with him into his pit of darkness. These types also hate women, all of them.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft because this man is in those pages too. Do also read this article on Loser men:-

drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Way to much drama here. He is messing with your head - don't ask why, don't try to understand - it's not worth the effort and you'll never get a straight answer anyway.

Ditch the boyfriend - he will only bring you grief

Read about DARVO; he is doing that to you as well.

Re your comment:-
"Then he went on to say things like he was going to find someone who's "actually loving and not insecure and untrusting"

He is also not above projecting onto you either; he is really talking about his own self here. All these are tactics used by the abuser as part of their arsenal against their chosen target, in this case you.

Stop trying to reason with such a man and dump him before you get ever more over invested and or hurt in the process. These actions he is showing you are not loving ones in any way.

Please just end the relationship, it will only get worse. He is controlling at best, abusive at worst and you're not going to fix him, only break yourself.
You sound young, once you find a relation ship that is healthy, you'll realise how toxic this one is. Give yourself chance to fine one and not waste another second on this prick

Look up Narcissistic Man... he sounds like he fits it perfectly and if so he will never change, never be accountable for anything and would rather block you or dish out the silent treatment than get caught out in his own lies

What are you confused about? He's just a basic cunt. Get away from this fucker as soon as you can and then block and delete on everything.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

What are you confused about? He's just a basic cunt. Get away from this fucker as soon as you can and then block and delete on everything.

This.

Isn't life too short for this bullshit? It's how (some) teenagers behave.

You're both adults. This relationship clearly isn't working. One of you needs to end it and he's clearly happy to grind you down so it won't be him.

Healthy relationships don't at any point look like this.

Thank you all

I had a look at this DARVO and it does feel very much like that so nice to know I'm not going mad. He just leaves me questioning why he's being the way he is and questioning if I am what he tells me I am, an whether or not I'm to blame. The rest of the time he can be lovely towards me :(

Abusers can be lovely sometimes, it's called the cycle of abuse. All part of the headfuck to keep you wondering if you are misunderstanding him somehow or if you are the one in the wrong like he says.

Run for the hills!
Trust mumsnet, the women on here have seen it time and time again.

Anyone that makes you feel like you're losing your mind is not a good person. Get out, fast. And read up on narcissists and narcissistic hoovering (what they do to try to get you back when you leave) so you can be prepared.

@Savemyself

Thank you all

I had a look at this DARVO and it does feel very much like that so nice to know I'm not going mad. He just leaves me questioning why he's being the way he is and questioning if I am what he tells me I am, an whether or not I'm to blame. The rest of the time he can be lovely towards me :(

Do you think this happens in healthy relationships that both parties feel happy in? It doesn't.

It doesn't have to be like this. Is he your first boyfriend / serious relationship? I ask as I wonder if you maybe have nothing to compare it with so it's harder for you to see how unhealthy and unsettling this dynamic is. It's toxic and will only get worse.

No its not my first relationship I'm 28.

Iv been cheated on in the past and he knows this. Its not something I could ever do to someone myself its such a horrible experience to go through so when he does accuse me of it its very upsetting.
I'm a very trusting and forgiving person in general and like to see the best in people generally but if something don't seem right i just ask, and I trust what he tells me, it was the fact I knew he lied and when I asked why he lied it then all gor turned onto me I then doubt myself

Have you been in healthy, happy relationships before?

I'm a very trusting and forgiving person in general and like to see the best in people

This is going to sound harsh but I mean it with kindness - seeing the best in everyone / giving them the benefit of the doubt / being trusting and forgiving is sometimes a way of not taking the personal responsibility we all owe ourselves to protect our own interests and be safe.

I know that sounds odd and we are taught as women that we should be nice and kind and that men are 'all like that' / can't help themselves etc. That is all bullshit. Men and women should be equals. You are equally capable of cheating but choose not to because you're decent. Individuals make individual, active choices.

Your description of yourself sounds a little like you're making individual, active choices to prioritise being nice / kind / forgiving / understanding ahead of what is best for YOU.

You need to take ownership of the fact you're making that decision each time you decide how to move forward after he makes you feel shit, accuses you of being disloyal, is disloyal himself. I don't mean that to sound victim blaming, because his behaviour is awful and he sounds like a prick. I mean it to be freeing. You CAN make the active choice to walk away from someone who treats you poorly. You don't have to be forgiving and trusting to someone who repeatedly hurts you, breaks your trust and gaslights you.

This relationship is rubbish. It makes you feel rubbish. It's fucking up your ability to see things clearly because he's lying and doing the DARVO dance.

You need to start making active choices that are centred around YOU, not around regulating a shitty man's shitty behaviour.

He’s not lovely OP, he’s controlling, gaslighting , manipulative and abusive.

Christ on a bike, you can’t be this naive to think any of this behaviour is acceptable???
Get rid, you’ve no ties, ➡️➡️➡️

youvegottenminuteslynn is bang on here re you; please take heed.

You were targeted by this man and deliberately so, what you describe re your own self can be used against you and indeed is here by him.

If a friend was writing this, what would your own counsel be here?.
You have a choice here re him, make better ones for yourself going forward; ones that are indeed centered around you.

Everything else aside op you're first paragraph you talk about him accusing you of lying and talking to men online. That shit is controlling as fuck.

Sometimes there is no best in people. Have you ever seen 'the life of pie' ? Theres a bit in the film version where a young boy reaches out to pet the zoos tiger - and his dad just manages to pull him back just in time! The boy protests that there is goodness in the tiger, he has seen it! The father tells the boy that what he actually sees is his own soul reflected back at him in the tigers eyes.

I think it's a really good metaphor for when dealing with certain people in life. Sometimes you look to see goodness and kindness in others because you are good and kind. But it doesn't mean that the other person actually possesses these traits.

And no amount of your goodness can stop a tiger from being a tiger and ripping off your arms if you get too close.

*your first paragraph

He is an abuser OP and he is trying to control your life while he does what he likes - he will make everything your fault until you can't think straight. The only way to fix this is to leave him.

OP I am you, 3 years down the line. My thread is on here. Please please leave before you are really enmeshed,gaslighted and emotionally beaten down. These men are damaged and will damage you. Listen to MN, they have advised me well and are doing the same for you.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Iv been reflecting alot on what you all said today.
Its hurting so much but I know the best thing for me to do is try to forget him. He's blocked me on everything so no means of contact anyway.. it just feels so shit

Blocking is total manipulation and silent treatment is emotional abuse and I can tell you that he will never change. He is emotionally immature and rather than take any blame he will ghost you until you beg for his forgiveness and take all the blame for everything. You've had some good advice from people who like myself have lived it. Block him and read up on narcissistic men so you can understand it's his problem and not yours x

Iv been blocked so many times before.. and has usually unblocked me days or a week later and messaged me which always ends up being along the lines of me being "clearly happy" or " you must be talking to other guys" etc when truth is iv spent that time frantically checking to see if he's unblocked me and will talk to me.