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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I should leave this relationship now, right?

48 replies

FeelingUnsureNow · 28/02/2021 22:46

I've been seeing a man for the last few months and he seems mostly wonderful. We have a few challenges in that he's a bit further away than I would like in a relationship. Our schedules clash a bit which makes it difficult to see each other more than once or twice a week but it's been working. He drinks a bit but that doesn't bother me too much. On the weekend, he told me that he very occasionally takes speed and occasionally smokes pot. I know the very occasionally bit is true on both because his health, work and lifestyle commitments would make it very difficult for him to do it more often plus he's been very honest and upfront about everything to date.

I would never ever consider taking drugs like speed. I get addicted to things pretty easily and I have no interest in ever doing something like that. I would also never ask someone to change for me but if they wanted to put the relationship first and stop doing things like that, then I might consider continuing to date them. I haven't given him my thoughts on this yet as this is all new information. He has his life together. He's paying off his small mortgage, has a good relationship with his ex, has his daughter half the week and has been in the same job for about 7 years.

But, I'm thinking this is a no brainer, right? I should run away fast right?

OP posts:
oil0W0lio · 28/02/2021 22:48

I think there's a lot more he isn't telling you

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2021 22:48

Right.

oil0W0lio · 28/02/2021 22:49

I mean he is testing the water to see how you react to see how much more it's safe to let you know about ...in my opinion

oil0W0lio · 28/02/2021 22:50

More likely to use the pot to help him come down off the speed

WilsonMilson · 28/02/2021 22:51

Any drug taking would be a dealbreaker for me. Especially as he is a father. I’d absolutely end it.

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 28/02/2021 22:52

It’s good that he has been open and honest with you. It depends on your views on substances and the law. t’s occasional use. However it is still illegal. How did it come up in conversation?

MyNameForToday1980 · 28/02/2021 22:54

Pot... Wouldn't be a dumping offense for me. But I consider people who get stoned (past a certain time in their lives) to be epically boring.

Speed... That's yucky.

Silenceisgolden20 · 28/02/2021 22:56

Do you even need to ask??

Silenceisgolden20 · 28/02/2021 22:57

And at a guess 'very occasionally ' is a lie.

earsup · 28/02/2021 22:59

Speed is really nasty cheap stuff....why would anyone want to use that...??...the odd spliff is ok with me...used to have odd one myself a few years ago with a neighbour over the fence with a herbal tea in the evenings !

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/02/2021 23:02

Well, what do you want to do?

Personally I couldn't give a shit if someone did an ocassional bit of weed or whizz, I'd be far more concerned if they read the Daily Fail or voted Tory.

If your value system is "no drugs except alcohol" then his is not aligned with yours.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 28/02/2021 23:04

oil0W0lio, I don't think he's hiding anything. His career requires him to work shifts that start early in the morning (3-4am) and he collects his daughter every day from school. He's in bed by 6pm most nights. He sometimes struggles to get to sleep and takes valerian tablets to help with this half an hour before bed. We spend as much time together as our schedules allow and we've been doing this for a few months but been in contact for about 6 months. His schedule is pretty rigid. He has strong family ties, stable long-term friendships and seems to know everyone in his direct neighbourhood. Everyone seems to really like him and he is a complete gentleman.
Heartofgoldmumof2, it came up in conversation because we were talking about my previous long-term partner's pot habit. I actually didn't have a problem with my ex's drug use (for my own reasons) until he went into psychosis (with jealous delusions) and this was the breaking point for us.

OP posts:
honeysuckle21 · 28/02/2021 23:05

Think he's probably playing it down, I get loser vibes from people like this, not judging I myself went out with someone who knew I against smoking so said he only smoked the odd one and not with me, so let that go, then only had a drink on a Friday, ok... but he can't handle his drink well! Tried to let it go once a week, Coke on the odd occasion, let that go then wants to start the odd joint and it kept going on until he was smoking weed and cigarettes most of the day, they keep pushing the boundaries if you let it, you can't change them, if that's not your way of life find someone with the same values as you. In my experience it just gets worse until you stop tolerating it.

TheChip · 28/02/2021 23:05

Its entirely up to you with what you decide to put up with during a relationship.

I would be wondering why he needs to do this regularly. Usually with drug users who use regularly, they're using it to escape from something. When he's not working and things are quieter, he is reaching for them.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 28/02/2021 23:11

EvenMoreFuriousVexation, I feel the same way overall about a bit of weed occasionally. Snorting something for a short term high...... hmmm. That's another matter though. I don't know anything about those types of drug aside from the mad research I've done over the last 48 hours and my biggest concern is that I just came out of a relationship where MH issues happened likely as a result of daily drug use. But we're talking daily for 20+ years, not occasional use.

OP posts:
MaeveDidIt · 28/02/2021 23:17

Personally, I couldn't respect someone who had to rely on that even if it wasn't very often.

Yakkabee · 28/02/2021 23:19

I’d say taking any drugs, occasional or not is very immature. The fact he is a father and still takes them is even more worrying, most people grow up when they have kids. Would be a nope from me.

Ardvark111 · 28/02/2021 23:28

Weed and speed are not class A drugs so not really a serious / big deal.. but maybe lead to more serious drugs, you have to ask yourself do you really want that in your home ( including his drugs

BlackBrowedAlbatross · 28/02/2021 23:32

This would be fine by me but everyone has their own opinion about drugs.

NotAgainNoMore · 28/02/2021 23:32

If you've come out of a relationship with a drug user, why get into another one?
You only see him a couple of times a week. How do you see the relationship progressing? Have you seen him when he's taken drugs, what is he like? It's early days and he's on his best behaviour no doubt.
I'd be very cautious.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 28/02/2021 23:41

NotAgainNoMore no, I haven't seen him when he's taken anything but have seen him a bit drunk. He said he had taken something once in the last two months. I think I believe this. We regularly chat on the phone and very regular texting when we can't see each other. We've only just started discussing where the relationship might be headed into the future. I'm not in love with him at this stage..... I like him a lot though. I find him very handsome and when I'm with him, I have an ear to ear smile constantly. I find his conversational skills captivating and we never run out of things to talk about. He's really kind to animals and always thoughtful. Even though he's on a much lesser wage than me, he pays for most things though I sometimes manage to get my eftpos card to the machine before him.
Nothing's ever simple, is it?

OP posts:
NotAgainNoMore · 01/03/2021 00:50

It's a 'potential' red flag but no one is perfect! If he's ticking loads of other boxes, then see where it goes. He seems to have his life in good order so that's a good sign.
No, nothing is ever simple. Oh how I wish it were!

SionnachGlic · 01/03/2021 00:55

I'd have a problem with any frequent drug use or if I feel it is becoming a prob. I def would have concerns about speed.

When you say OP that you get addicted quite easily, what do you mean...as in how go you know? Because if you have any worries on this front, any concerns for yourself in relation to his drug use, then you should re-think this relationship. And generally I would agree with you when you say you shouldn't want to change someone but if he knew your concerns, maybe he'd be willing to stop.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 01/03/2021 02:59

Thanks for your thoughts NotAgainNoMore and SionnachGlic.
What I meant by that was that I have been told I have an addictive personality. In practice, sucked my thumb til I was 12, started smoking at 14 and still going 35 years later, had a bit of a poker machine addiction in my 30s - which I solved by not going anymore but it still tempts me a little. When he mentioned the speed on the weekend, I had a fleeting thought of 'hmmm, maybe'. It's not something that has ever appealed to me in the past or even now, but I would worry that in the wrong frame of mind, I could relax my standards a little. I don't think I would but you never know.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/03/2021 07:13

What does "drinks a bit" look like?

I'd be wary of the whole thing. You're out of a relationship with a drug user, I'm wondering why you're attracted to someone who is also a drug user, whether there's something familiar here, a pattern you're drawn to.

Personally I couldn't be arsed with pursuing something with someone with these habits. Imagine, here's a rope bridge, and you can already see some of the planks look a bit dodgy and rotten - I'd keep walking rather than venturing out on it.