I should leave this relationship now, right?

[FeelingUnsureNow]

I've been seeing a man for the last few months and he seems mostly wonderful. We have a few challenges in that he's a bit further away than I would like in a relationship. Our schedules clash a bit which makes it difficult to see each other more than once or twice a week but it's been working. He drinks a bit but that doesn't bother me too much. On the weekend, he told me that he very occasionally takes speed and occasionally smokes pot. I know the very occasionally bit is true on both because his health, work and lifestyle commitments would make it very difficult for him to do it more often plus he's been very honest and upfront about everything to date.

I would never ever consider taking drugs like speed. I get addicted to things pretty easily and I have no interest in ever doing something like that. I would also never ask someone to change for me but if they wanted to put the relationship first and stop doing things like that, then I might consider continuing to date them. I haven't given him my thoughts on this yet as this is all new information. He has his life together. He's paying off his small mortgage, has a good relationship with his ex, has his daughter half the week and has been in the same job for about 7 years.

But, I'm thinking this is a no brainer, right? I should run away fast right?

It would be a No for me. There's never a happy ending when drugs are involved..of any kind.

How old is he?

Listen to your gut. There are better men out there.

He’s lying. Leave.

I think he's given you a little bit of info to check if you're cool with it then and when you find out actually it's more to it (and he takes more drugs than you realise)he can say I told you I took drugs. What's the big deal.

By then you'll be more attached to him and more likely to let things slide.

He's checking your boundaries
I'd be wary.

I would be very weary of the guy. He does it occasionally but he’s done it in the last 8 weeks? So how occasionally is it? Even if it is ‘occasionally’ now, I wouldn’t be surprised if he develops an addiction to either one at some point in the future. This is coming from a person with first hand experience, having just split with someone who did coke every now and then when I met him and now has a full blown addiction.

Reality is probably more his day being;

Alarm goes off, has some speed. Goes to work.

Comes back from work, physically shattered but unable to relax. Skins up. Opens can of beer. Continues this until he crashes out by 6pm.

Alarm at 3am, feels like crap, takes some speed. Repeat until he's fired or has a heart attack.

Do not get into the habit of collecting red flags.

Everyone has their own boundaries and rules when it comes to drugs, you need to work out where yours lie. My sister would be zero tolerance for any kind of drug, someone smoking some weed every now and then or once in a blue moon taking something stronger wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, although their behaviour when on it could be. It wouldn't bother me if someone smoked weed once a month or so, but couldn't be bothered with it more regularly, not because I have an issue with the weed but I tend find people who smoke a lot pretty boring now (I used to smoke a lot myself when I was younger). For harder drugs if it was once in a blue moon, like maybe once or very max twice a year then depending on the circumstances and behaviour it probably wouldn't be too big a deal for me, any more than that I wouldn't like.
You need to work out what you would be comfortable with your partner doing. If that's zero or less than what he does now then you have your answer.

This will be an unpopular opinion but TBH I think many of the people posting on here are overreacting a little; having said this I do NOT want to diminish the fact that there are many people whose lives are destroyed by drug addiction. There's also a high proportion of occasional drug users out there that are aware of the risks and would never let rare recreational drug use get in the way of relationships, jobs or family lives. Speed is a bit odd, though I guess it's cheaper than coke. Smoking weed from time to time is a good deal less damaging health wise than frequent drinking, it's just not as socially acceptable. I know of many more lives wrecked by alcohol abuse than by occasional recreational drug use. From what information you've given it sounds like your man's got his shit together, and he's being honest with you. Now you need to decide whether this level of drug taking is acceptable or whether it's a dealbreaker for you.

Oh gawd no, who needs this in their life?
He likes drugs you don't do drugs. Unless you're looking to save someone who doesn't want to be saved, run a mile.

This will be an unpopular opinion but TBH I think many of the people posting on here are overreacting a little

Meh, I came to really dislike my ex's face when he was on it: dilated pupils and tongue-sucking, thinking he's oh so interesting or being horny but limp. He didn't have an addiction but god it was tedious and pointless and ugly. Waste of money and braincells.

An occasional spliff in yours teens or early twenties is one thing, still using pot and also speed as an adult when you have a child and job is quite another.

For me this would be a deal breaker and I'd be off - but everyone has their own red lines and it might seem minor to you.
Another consideration is, you've admitted here you think you have an addictive personality and you feel you might be tempted to try the drugs yourself if you stay with this guy. Do you really think staying in this relationship is worth the risk - you say yourself you don't yet feel in love with him yet?

I like @category12 analogy above about the dodgy rope bridge - you can see the potential issues with this relationship already. You've actually experienced them yourself before. I don't think any man is worth this level of risk - you don't even love him. Think to yourself why you haven't ended things already.

A bit of weed and speed at weekends, which doesn't affect his work or other aspects of his life, should not trigger panic about drug abuse. If that's what he enjoys, that's his business. Amphetamines might help him get through a Saturday night out and make the most of the weekend after a busy week of work.

However, if you are already judging him in terms of "relaxing your standards" your attitudes are not really compatible.

Damn right she should judge him. Of course she should have standards or you'd accept anything
A grown man taking speed? If this is going to be a relationship, damn right he needs judging.

On the weekend, he told me that he very occasionally takes speed and occasionally smokes pot.

You know when GP's used to ask about alcohol consumption and double what you actually said because most people play down how much they drink? It's like that. Double what he says and you get nearer the truth. He occasionally takes speed and smokes pot often.

I know the very occasionally bit is true on both because his health, work and lifestyle commitments would make it very difficult for him to do it more often plus he's been very honest and upfront about everything to date.
Where there's a will there's a way.... my ex had a responsible job with long hours and was drinking constantly.

Anyway, if you don't want a relationship with someone who uses drugs end it now.
I would.

Fucking no apostrophe in GPs.... fuck's sake!

Silenceisgolden, she is perfectly entitled to judge him that way if that's her view, of course. But it does make them incompatible.

iljatdip, this might not be the place for punctuation fetishism ;-)

I threw out my Partner of 3 years because he couldn't give up his pot habit of 30 years.

Makes them deluded. And angry. And jealous. Not cheerful or loving or caring or giving.
Makes them paranoid. And abusive.

Who needs that shit.

And to make himself feel better, he told me constantly that I have a drink problem.

Weed, speed, 6 o'clock bedtime.

What on earth is attractive about this man?

if he's up at 3am for work, sounds like he should be in bed at 7pm to get his 8hrs a night so... if he's doing a line of speed to keep him awake, for date, nights out, etc, fair enough, I suppose. Loads of people are doing speed now, as opposed to coke, as it's easier to make in the chemists back kitchen and the 'feds' are clamping down on coke importation so... speed is sometimes easier to obtain, depending on where you live.

Smoking weed wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, in itself, if he's having a few cheeky spliffs while he's gaming on a saturday afternoon, say, but...

the drinking 'a fair bit' would be the killer, for me. I hate drunks -- they're a pain in the arse.

'Mostly wonderful', 'drinking 'a fair bit', plus the poly drug use, low income, shift work, part-time Dad... I'd look at the whole package. How would you 'fit' into this package? Assuming your after a long term, stable relationship...

I think you're right. Before you get deeper in, time to bail.

Is he using speed recreationally or to help him get up in the morning?

Yes, leave. Trust your gut. Every time I haven't trusted my gut in relationships I have gone on to regret it. It's fine if that's what he wants to do with his life, but it isn't compatible with your values, and this will cause problems down the line. If you move in together, would you be comfortable living in a house where there are drugs? You will become involved in illegal activity by association. Don't do your own values a disservice because you're worried about not being able to meet someone else. You will.