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Original poster

New relationship - question about intensity

29 replies

Odiona · 28/02/2021 19:45

I’m divorced. Prior to my marriage all my relationships usually started by clicking with someone and seeing them often (2x3x times a week) and sending each other messages, missing each other. However, since my divorce I can’t seem to find that. Most men I dated during the last two years wanted to see me only once a week and wasn’t as enthusiastic as I would hope. I wish I was ok with that, but I just couldn’t get the butterflies feelings because of the lack of time spent together/attention so I always gave up on them after 2 months. Now I’m seeing someone for month and a half I really fancy, but the same issue is happening and I’m losing interest.
Am I too intense? Or did I just not a find a right person? What is your experience like?

OP posts:
Tattiespuds · 28/02/2021 19:54

yes I would say you're being too intense. I've never in any relationship been saw them 2-3 times a week right from the start. That would suggest you have nothing else going on in your life and are needy, or want them to drop their plans to be available for you.

For me it's been on average I seen them weekly for a while. As the relationship evolves so does the time spent together. You start to naturally become included in things thats happening in their lifes and them in yours etc

Texting is generally an everyday thing, maybe the odd call throw in.

From what you have said you need to take a step back and slow things down.

FlatChestAthlete · 28/02/2021 21:18

I disagree in part with PP. Some relationships start off burning bright like OP States. You sound like me in that respect, although we may be in the minority, especially on here! Some burn out just as quickly, but if you're lucky you'll find someone the same and the embers will stay lit forever with occasional explosions of passion again. So, no there's nothing wrong with you, however statistically you're less likely to fins someone cut from the same cloth so you will need to learn to take the pace and intensity cues from the other person. Just my opinion. Burn bright x

JustAnotherOldMan · 28/02/2021 21:32

I think you are expecting a bit much, my last partner lived 40 miles away and we both worked full time and had social lives so evenings could be tricky if someone had an early start, so1 to 2 times a week sounds about right TBH

SionnachGlic · 28/02/2021 21:33

Slowly at the start would be fine by me...I'd get a bit freaked out if someone expected to see me 3 times a week from the get-go especially if it meant I was having to drop other things & people to do so. I agree with PP that as relationship evolves so does time spent together. I'd concentrate on quality of time you do share rather than quantity & if it is going well then look forward to more of it in the future. And maybe relax about it, don't start thinking there is something wrong with you...sometimes people just have busy lives with work, family demands, making time for old friends... it isn't a reflection on you, it just is the way it is...when you get to know about the person & they more comfortable with you, different elements become introduced & integrated...you can't force that I think. Also the pandemic is likely a factor in scheduling meet-ups.

SackofTurtles · 28/02/2021 21:42

Maybe the type of person you’re seeing is different since your divorce? Everyone is older, more senior at work, more likely to have children living with them half the time? All things which eat into time spent seeing a new person.

Eckhart · 28/02/2021 21:59

I think you shouldn't question your feelings, but be guided by them. There is no 'correct' level of intensity. Some people will say you're 'too intense', some won't, because everybody has different boundaries.

You've met a guy you like, but you're losing interest because he doesn't seem keen enough for you. That's perfectly valid, and hey, if you lose interest enough, it'll be time to be single for a bit or look for someone who floats your boat.

Respecting your own preferences and finding a partner who fits them naturally is key to a healthy relationship. As is knowing how to be single, when there's nobody around who ticks your boxes.

Winter2019 · 28/02/2021 22:12

I think it depends on the situation, like how far you live from each other, work commitments, kids. However, putting that aside I know for myself if I'm really into someone I want to see them as often as possible. Ok maybe not every day but definitely more than once a week

Ilovetheseventies · 01/03/2021 01:06

I think seeing each other around 3 times a week is perfectly normal you could have weeks of playing it cool only to then find it's never going to progress.
I don't think you're being intense I think what you want is pretty average.

honeysuckle21 · 01/03/2021 01:24

Tell him your expectations, if you live close enough he might want to see you more, if he doesn't then it a matter of going finding someone more compatible, perhaps you could say this when you are first dating, that you are looking for a potential relationship that you would like the company 2-3 times a week, hopefully that would weed out the ones only wanting a weekend girlfriend.

Mundayblues · 01/03/2021 03:04

I see nothing wrong with seeing someone 2-3 times a week from early on in the relationship and I don’t think it’s too intense. Is he doing other things instead of seeing you? (Work, kids, hobbies etc), what’s his past dating history like? Has he recently been dating someone else?

NotAgainNoMore · 01/03/2021 09:14

I always made it clear (when doing OLD) at the outset that if we were to continue, then I'd like to see them twice a week - once during the week and once at the w/e. Once a week isn't anywhere near enough to build on, especially in the beginning, getting to know each other.
If they haven't got room in their life for twice a week then it's never going to work longer term.
After a month, you obviously both like each other. Have you talked to him about this? Have you asked to see him an extra day?

peak2021 · 01/03/2021 09:41

I think you are expecting too much, especially during the pandemic.

Original poster
Odiona · 01/03/2021 10:35

To answer some questions - Well we are both working from home atm. No children. He drives and lives about 20mins drive from me. So technically we are available most of the time. However, he is very social - has million friends. So now it’s been 10days we haven’t seen each other, but he has been seeing his friends. So that makes me a little upset. Not that I don’t want him to see friends, but if want to be together I need more time with him.
I didn’t talk to him about it, because I was scared he will find me needy. I do make it clear tho that I wanna see him - usually asking what is he up to and if he wants to just stop by for a glass of wine i would like that ...

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/03/2021 10:38

I didn’t talk to him about it, because I was scared he will find me needy

This is not how healthy relationships work. You are as needy as you are. Your feelings are what they are. Find a partner with whom you feel able to be open with about your needs, rather than trying to hide your needs in order to keep a partner who doesn't meet them.

Your needs are more important than what somebody thinks of you.

Aren't they?

BehindMyEyes · 01/03/2021 10:46

How old are you both ?

Original poster
Odiona · 01/03/2021 10:58

I’m 32 he is 30

@Eckhart I totally agree with this. But still I think month and a half of seeing each other once a week you are not fully yourself yet and not 100% open. Will definitely bring it up soon...

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/03/2021 11:04

There's no point being somebody you're not for a bit, at the beginning of a relationship, and then suddenly revealing 'the real you' once he's got to know the 'not real you'.

We're not talking about revealing your innermost depths here. It's how much time you like to spend with a partner. It's pretty fundamental from the get-go. If he starts to fall for you, thinking you have the same requirements as him, and then you reveal that you've always wanted more, that's going to cause more hurt for you both than just telling him calmly how you feel now.

It's not good to pretend you're happy with the set up when you're not. It's not good to feel you have to consult an internet forum in the first few months of a relationship, because your needs are not being met and you don't feel secure enough in yourself to say it to your partner.

Once again: Prioritise your needs above what somebody thinks of you. Your needs are more important.

honeysuckle21 · 01/03/2021 11:08

He hasn't seen you in 10 days and met friends over seeing you, if he was that serious in getting to know you better he would make time, throw this one back in the sea.

Jenny215 · 01/03/2021 11:11

He's just not that into you
If a man wants to see you he will, he'll make time.
You know that for a fact, I'd keep my options open now for a new man

Jenny215 · 01/03/2021 11:13

Also if you're crazy about him and want to see if he really likes you, play it cool now. Never ever mention meeting up.
Whenever I've dated, I always leave it up to him to plan dates and it's always worked.

RantyAnty · 01/03/2021 11:39

With someone who is really into you, you'd have to try pretty hard to get rid of them lol.

You shouldn't even have to ask for them to come over. They will offer. They will plan and set up dates.

When dating someone you like, do you find yourself accomodating and eager to please them?

I wouldn't bother with this guy anymore.

Mixingitall · 01/03/2021 15:34

Where you mention he has lots of friends, could he also be dating a number of other people?

NotAgainNoMore · 01/03/2021 16:40

He's not bothered fitting you in for 10 days - do yourself a favour and bin him.

Original poster
Odiona · 01/03/2021 20:35

@Mixingitall well he calls me occasionally and I can hear guy friends in the background. So hopefully not

OP posts:
PilatesPeach · 01/03/2021 20:47

You would like to see him 2 or 3 times a week whereas he does not want to see you even once every 10 days.
If a man really likes you, he will make time for you, no iffs no buts.
Bin him off. We talk on here all the time about red flags. This one is massive.
Do not waste time or headspace on wondering why he is the way he is. Actions speak louder than words. Sorry OP but you already know the answer really.