He says thoughtless things and I'm oversensitive - how do we fix our marriage?

[Mamma24601]

DH can say thoughtless things sometimes - in the last few years it's actually been quite often, once or twice a week.

What's worse is that I am quite sensitive and react badly to comments that hurt me, even if they are not intended to be mean. This is because my mother was exactly like this - "well meaning" comments that were actually very critical. I've told him before why it hurts me, but it keeps happening.

In addition, I find it really hard to let these comments go. I need a proper apology and I need some time to process what I'm feeling, and during that time I'm just feeling pissed off, irrational and quiet.

DH finds this quite upsetting because he feels like he's being cold-shouldered. But if we did try to talk at that moment, I would say really horrible things I regret. I just need time for the initial anger to pass and I can talk myself into being more rational.

Anyway it wasn't an issue in the years we were together without a kid, but now we have a toddler with SN and are both stressed and tired. And we both recognise that, but it keeps on happening. It's hurting our marriage but I don't know what to do. I can't not feel hurt and angry when he's said something thoughtless. And he in turn feels hurt because I can't even look at or talk to him when I'm so upset.

What can I do? What do we do? How do we fix this?

You’ll have to provide with examples because from this I don’t know if he’s being just mean and you are defending him or if you have anger issues. Without context it’s hard to provide practical help

But in general having a SN child would put added stress into any marriage , do you get support for DC?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

It sounds like you married someone of a similar nature to your mother, a person who is also a wolf in sheep's clothing. It may well be that he is also saying those things to you to be mean. Accusing you of being over sensitive is often a charge levelled at the target by the abusive person.

People like this too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

There are 2 things going on here.

1. there is no such thing as oversensitive. Nobody can tell you that how you feel is 'wrong'. If they do, get them to show you the rule book they read it in. They will have nothing to refer to, except their own opinion. So, you might be too sensitive for your husband's preference, but that's very different from an objective 'oversensitive'. You feel what you feel. You must respect what you feel, and so must he.

2. the way you feel is not the same as how you react to the way you feel. 'Respecting your feelings' doesn't mean that 'He pissed me off, so I'm going to burn his clothes' is ok. It does mean that 'He pissed me off, so I need to accept that, and explain to him that he pissed me off, and why' is ok.

Do you ever tell him calmly that he's hurt your feelings, and explain to him, calmly, why? And if so, what is his response to this approach?

@Eckhart

Thank you. Yes I agree what you say about being "oversensitive".

When we do try to talk it through in the moment, he gets defensive "that's not what I meant", or I get a fake apology "I'm sorry you're upset" or really apologetic/self-criticising/thinking about himself "what's wrong with me? why do I do this?".

I also struggle to process exactly what it is that made up so upset because the comment is not always an obvious criticism. Which is why I need time to think about it. And then I can explain to him. And then he does understand he was wrong and usually gives me a proper apology, after which I can move past it.

But this is happening a couple times a week, and trying to manage a difficult toddler as a team while we're both upset for hours is really hard.

I'm trying to figure out what I can do get to the point when I can get to the point of talking to him faster. Sometimes I have to talk myself into it, try to remind myself everything that's good about him and whether I want to give up our family over something that was really just a stupid comment, and that helps me move through my thought process faster.

But in the moment I am thinking really hurtful things, that I honestly don't want to say our loud because I know they are irrational. So I need time to cool off and the feelings disappear.

Is this bit my problem? Or a marriage problem? I never used to think like this before.

They're not proper apologies if he's then repeating the behaviour multiple times a week.

You could rephrase those things which presumably are insults directed at him and instead name the feeling underneath - hurt/ anger whatever. But really it's hard to say whether you need to be doing the work here, because if he is emotionally manipulting, has lighting, or undermis ing your self confidence, then any attempt of yours to get over your sensitivity is just an attempt of yours to remove a perfecttly healthy boundary so you can put up with abuse. You are going to need to give examples to get reliable advice

When we do try to talk it through in the moment, he gets defensive "that's not what I meant", or I get a fake apology "I'm sorry you're upset" or really apologetic/self-criticising/thinking about himself "what's wrong with me? why do I do this

This looks like emotional manipulation to me. Sorry. Neither of these responses allow for a conversation about how to move forward/what to do next time/how to compromise. They are both him-focussed. In the first, he was right, and in the second, he was wrong. The end. There is no room for 'misunderstanding' or 'miscommunication'. They both leave you, as a couple, at a dead end.

So, now you feel like you have no idea what to do. That's the logical progression of what he's doing.

Do you see what I mean?

@Mamma24601

But in the moment I am thinking really hurtful things, that I honestly don't want to say our loud because I know they are irrational. So I need time to cool off and the feelings disappear.

Is this bit my problem? Or a marriage problem? I never used to think like this before.

I think that the hurtful, irrational bit of you is probably the real you. The you that needs to be heard and validated. She's been inside, getting more and more bananas, being silenced, long term, and now she's getting REALLY pissed off. She needs listening to. That's all.

Primarily by you, OP.

Ok, example tonight was I didn't finish my dinner because I'd had enough, which is what I said. Pretty simple. He said "Well, if it's a choice between dieting and exercise, then dieting is probably easier."

Which doesn't sound like much. Except the context is 1) I'm not dieting - I don't know why he'd think that. 2) He's acknowledged being too pushy with me before about not exercising enough. 3) My weight has ballooned since covid but between a stressful job and SN child I can't make the time to exercise. 4) This is the same damaging s* my mother gave me all my life. I've told him but he never remembers it.

So the subtext is that he thinks I'm fat and I'm not trying hard enough. That's how that comment made me feel.

He apologised immediately after he said it, without me needing to say anything. I tried to act normal but I don't feel that way, I think he's annoyed I'm upset and now we're both annoyed with each other.

There's no way that could have been anything but passive aggression.

When you say 'It doesn't sound like much' why are you minimising your feelings?

Maybe you should bite back a bit?

If my husband said that to me after I said I "I'm full" I would say:

"You cheeky fucker! I didn't say I'm dieting and even if I was, you should be supportive and not make shitty passive aggressive comments like that to me. You are no supermodel yourself darling!"

He wouldn't ever say something like that again. Maybe you just need to stand up for yourself a bit, so he knows he can't talk to you like that.

What other things does he say? Are they always about your body image?

Thanks, this is helping me get more clarity.

Could it be emotional immaturity rather than emotional manipulation? I don't think he ever means to hurt me on purpose - he is a good guy. But he doesn't measures what he says a lot of the time. Which didn't matter when we were younger and didn't have any issues, but now with life-fatigue and much more baggage I don't think he considers how much he can hurt me with words.

If he’s constantly saying things that upset you then he should be more careful because he knows you’re likely to be upset. It doesn’t sound like he’s very cautious of your feelings

@Mrstumbletap haha I wish I'd said that! I should learn to be a bit sharper.

He doesn't comment on my body image - we both joke about my belly, but I don't mind too much. But yes he is being passive-agressive about wanting me to exercise. He had a sweet reason about wanting us to live together to old age. But the way he's going about it is really unhelpful.

@Shoxfordian yes I think it's that's pretty much it.

He also says that it's like stepping on eggshells around me, he feels he can't say anything without upsetting me. Which makes me question if I was the unreasonable one. But he managed to be lovely for years! I think having an SN kid has broken us a bit and he's become less considerate.

I have to disagree that there IS such a thing as over sensitive.

There is looking for a meaning which isn’t there... then getting upset about it. Then wanting an apology from someone bc your made up intention has hurt you.

I’m not saying that this is what is happening here at all bc by all means he could be a passive aggressive prick but you seem to openly admit you have issues wish overthinking and over analysing and you’ve said he’s not a bad person and you don’t feel it’s done on purpose...

Perhaps it is, only you can know that because no one else on this thread sees both sides.

But I just want to say that it’s perfectly plausible that there are two people causes problems here but it could be unintentional. Your problem sounds like he’s a bit tactless and you’re a ruminator.

Couples counselling?

I have to disagree that there IS such a thing as over sensitive

No. Even if OP is gleaning the wrong meaning from things, she still is exactly as sensitive is she is. 'Oversensitive' suggests that there is a 'right' level of sensitive. There isn't. Everybody is different.

My friend had an abusive relative as a child. He would touch her in an innocent looking, specific way, in public, as a precursor to abusing her later, in private. She got a new partner, who touched her in this innocent way. She asked him to stop. He said she was being silly, kept doing it. She ended the relationship, and that was the right thing to do, because regardless of whether it is right or wrong to touch somebody in that way, he kept crossing her clearly stated boundary.

She was more sensitive than many would be to an innocent touch of a specific kind. But for her to view that as a fault in herself, in order to allow someone to touch her in a way that made her feel sick would not have been the right approach.

Respect is the right approach. OP has repeatedly told her husband what the issue is, and he persists. This denotes lack of respect.

I would highly recommend couples counselling too.

It really helps you understand each others position and gives you the toolkit to get out of the rut. I had a similar problem in that i had a partner who was 'immediate' and i am much more the type to reflect and process. But you can each move along the spectrum with a bit of coaching and will.

The example you gave about the mealtime however does concern me. He knows exactly what he is doing and that it will make you feel like shit. For that example anyway.

Also stop joking about your belly-dont let it come across as giving him free reign to make these other comments.

Can you try to say...'Something about what you said just now has really bothered me, and i'll be quiet now whilst i work out what and why and then i will explain'. So its acknowledged. But parked in a calm way. He may react angrily-but then stonewall it-'ive asked to discuss it later constructively. Please respect my wishes'

@2020iscancelled

Thanks I appreciate your view.

There is looking for a meaning which isn’t there... then getting upset about it. Then wanting an apology from someone bc your made up intention has hurt you.

Yes I do sometimes see meaning where there wasn't any. If I am wrong then I will apologise for that.

I think it's a mix. Sometimes he is being passive aggressive. A lot of time he's careless with words. Maybe I need to remind myself of this if deep down I know the intention was not to hurt me, even though the words did.

Couples Counseling is a good idea. I don't think these frequent talks and bursts of self examination are going to change him.

Does anybody else in your life hurt you over and over and over, by accident?

Does he lack empathy generally? How is he if you are I'll?
I had this with DH in the early years ( I am ancient) then we both had flu , him then me. It was only then that he out himself in my position, started using empathy ( his dad was and still is very self centred, dh had learned it from him).

@cookiedoughsweetiepie

Thanks that's really helpful to read. I do use those words when I want to talk about something later, and take myself away for a walk. But I was in the other side recently when I said something a bit too close to the bone that he found very hurtful - I apologized and he went out for the whole day not ready to talk yet, during which I felt terrible and guilty. So I do understand I must be making him feel awful when I need time on my own. Even when the fault is his, I worry about causing damage too by dragging out the issue too long.

Also when I'm really upset with him, I can't look at him. And he says this really hurts him too.

I don't think he lacks empathy - he's lovely when I'm ill - but he's a bit oblivious to my feelings or he can't read the room sometimes.

Our kid is actually autistic, so we've both wondered whether we are too in different ways.