He says thoughtless things and I'm oversensitive - how do we fix our marriage?

[Mamma24601]

DH can say thoughtless things sometimes - in the last few years it's actually been quite often, once or twice a week.

What's worse is that I am quite sensitive and react badly to comments that hurt me, even if they are not intended to be mean. This is because my mother was exactly like this - "well meaning" comments that were actually very critical. I've told him before why it hurts me, but it keeps happening.

In addition, I find it really hard to let these comments go. I need a proper apology and I need some time to process what I'm feeling, and during that time I'm just feeling pissed off, irrational and quiet.

DH finds this quite upsetting because he feels like he's being cold-shouldered. But if we did try to talk at that moment, I would say really horrible things I regret. I just need time for the initial anger to pass and I can talk myself into being more rational.

Anyway it wasn't an issue in the years we were together without a kid, but now we have a toddler with SN and are both stressed and tired. And we both recognise that, but it keeps on happening. It's hurting our marriage but I don't know what to do. I can't not feel hurt and angry when he's said something thoughtless. And he in turn feels hurt because I can't even look at or talk to him when I'm so upset.

What can I do? What do we do? How do we fix this?

@Eckhart

Does anybody else in your life hurt you over and over and over, by accident?

Brilliant point.

Next time try asking him to think about what he is saying. See what his reply is.

@Eckhart

Does anybody else in your life hurt you over and over and over, by accident?

I get what you're saying. I guess I want to find a way through it. Because we've had ten good years and three difficult ones that I know because we are both stressed and fatigued and there's no easy solution. We're seeing the worst of each other right now.

@Mamma24601 have you had therapy for how your mother treated you? Our childhoods have a massive impact on us as adults, whether we know it or not. He can't be held responsible for what someone else has done. Also if it's taking HOURS to work out why you're offended it sounds like there's a deeper issue you need to work on.
I'm actually a highly sensitive person myself but what you're describing doesn't sound like innate sensitivity, it sounds like triggers from your mother's treatment of you, which is actually a very different situation. Her treatment could have caused low self esteem or other issues so you start interpreting the words people say as personal attacks on you, rather than those words simply reflecting what's going on with the other person.

Without examples of the actual words he's said and the context, I don't see how some posters are assuming abuse. He actually sounds like he cares but can't work out what's going on with you. And understandably feels like you're going around looking to be offended, then giving him silent treatment afterwards. I would actually start with individual therapy for yourself and then couples counselling.

@MajorMujer

Next time try asking him to think about what he is saying. See what his reply is.

I LOVE this. Make it his responsibility to explain. I mean why on earth is he talking about dieting or exercise at that point?

A simple, "what do you mean?" may suffice.

@Suagar

Also if it's taking HOURS to work out why you're offended it sounds like there's a deeper issue you need to work on.

This is what I'm trying to figure out - whether I am being unreasonable taking so much time to process - not just to understand why I'm upset, but to talk myself down from catastrophsing my marriage, put what he said in context, figure out how important it is in the big scheme of things, and what I want to say to him so that he understands. I don't know how other people are able to get past an argument and put it behind them quickly. I mean we can do that for small arguments, but I keep getting hurt by his words and needing time away from him, which hurts him in turn.

@MrsTerryPratchett
@MajorMujer

*Next time try asking him to think about what he is saying. See what his reply is.

I LOVE this. Make it his responsibility to explain. I mean why on earth is he talking about dieting or exercise at that point?

A simple, "what do you mean?" may suffice.*

Thanks both, I will.

Is he trying to fix your relationship as much as you are OP? It feels like you are shouldering the burden of him repeatedly hurting you, and then taking responsibility for fixing the relationship?

Just a thought but could the two of you agree to a set "timeout sentence"?

"Can we rewind and rephrase there?"
Or, you know, whatever works for you.

Then he (or whoever said something) gets a chance to go,
"Oh god I'm sorry I'm exhausted, just ignore that rubbish I just said"
Or
"Er I can see that might not have come out well? I just meant xyz and didn't intend to be mean"
Again or whatever would be natural.

www.throughthewoodstherapy.com/the-story-im-telling-myself/

This is great article. For exactly this issue.

He says something insensitive about food, you say, "the story I'm telling myself is that you are pushing me to exercise and I'm just trying to eat". He can say, "actually, good point sorry"" or "gosh no, I meant..." Either way it aids communication.

No I've not had therapy re my mother, and yes that does make sense, that I could be easily triggered by stuff that sounds like her. I have some kind of mother specific Pathological demand avoidance, and I felt it very strongly after his comment tonight. But this is maybe only the second time I've felt so angry because he sounded like my mother.

Her treatment could have caused low self esteem or other issues so you start interpreting the words people say as personal attacks on you, rather than those words simply reflecting what's going on with the other person.

Yes to low self esteem issues. I do worry a lot about interpreting words people say and write, but I'm not so triggered by them. I can usually put them into some context like "they're busy, they've had a bad day..." rather than thinking it's about me.

Hmmm...a lot to think about though.

@Eckhart

He had some anger issues when he was under stress from a different source - it came out in bad moods and a lot of meaness towards me (different to what I've been taking about now). After I called him out on it, he really make an effort to stop, and he became much nicer to be around again.

But sometimes I wonder if he is just suppressing it. He seems fine, we talk, but maybe he's not fine.

@WoodchipWoodchip

That is helpful, thank you!

@MrsTerryPratchett

Will read it, thank you!

OP, I don't know if this will help you but when I put on a bit of weight over time a few years back my DH became ever so slowly a different person - less nice, more snappy, but never said anything about my weight even though I said I was unhappy about it. He just basically pulled away from me over time.
It took a third party to help me and support me in losing the weight. Then DH became nicer again.
At least your's is engaging with you on the dieting/exercise thing so you could give him the benefit of the doubt? Not sure, but I think I would if I were in your shoes?

So, he was aggressive, and you called him out, and now he's not aggressive, and you feel like he's supressing it... and he's being passive aggressive.

You always have a reason to let him off the hook, because he's such a nice guy. But he has a history of taking out his stress on you by being mean, and now you're feeling crap around him and nobody else, regularly, because he continually says things that hurt you.

I think that if you were with a nice guy, the story would be 'He's not mean, he's not passive aggressive, he's careful of my feelings, and I feel good when I'm with him.'

@MrsTerryPratchett

It is a great article! I think "mismatched perspective" may be reason we are struggling so much.

And "the story I'm telling myself..." could be really helpful - I often feel like my upset reaction provokes an immediate defensiveness. So having words to disengage that is really helpful.

@TheInde

Thank you, really appreciate your post.

Well OP the eg you gave after supper isn’t a thoughtless remark, it’s a deliberate dig at your weight, he knew what he was doing there. It’s possible that lockdown plus an SN child are making him struggle, and he’s taking that out on you. I don’t know if you are particularly sensitive or not due to lack of examples.

What is good is you both talk about it, but the only realistic way forward is couples counselling. You need to break down the patterns behind it, and find out what’s going on for you both.

BTW I don’t think there is such a thing as over-sensitive, but some people have thinner skin than others. A thick and thin skinned person living together can present challenges, but I’m not sure that is the route of your problem, judging from the examples you gave.

@Eckhart

I'm just saying we have a lot of history together and he made me feel happy for a long time. I don't want to throw it away because we're under pressure and not dealing with it well. I'm not looking for an excuse. I'm just looking for ways for us to communicate better. I know he wants us to be better too. We just don't know how.

Why doesn't he stop saying stupid things? Why are you the one that has to change your reaction?

He doesn't sound like a good guy at all. If he was, he would stop doing it.

I'm all for working on oneself and taking my share of the responsibility. With my harshest cap on I would say ypu probably do.need to do some work on your conflict style as it's not really getting things sorted at best. But still, I reckon if ypu sis that work, you'd just be in direct conflict more often because he says shitty and PA things. Go ahead and get therapy and everything if you want but the end game is always going to be challenging his way of talking to you. Because it's PA bullshit.

OP it's very difficult to judge.
My autistic DP says thoughtless things sometimes (once or twice a month). When I'm not in a good mood they really piss me off, otherwise not really.
The difference is that I
a) Always call him out on it
b) Know that he doesn't mean any of them, because once he starts explaining it's quite obvious what he meant to say didn't come out right at all.

If it's getting at you because you KNOW your DP means what he says rather than just being thougtless with words you need to tell him to STFU.
Or it could be that you're stressed and reading more into it.
Really hard to judge.
The dieting one was clearly a dig.. I'd ask him whether he thought I was fat to his face if my DP had said that to me.

Also just may or may not work for you but could you spend 10-30 minutes together just talking every day? ex-NDN swore by the regular coffee-in-the-kitchen times she & her husband had - just them, no phones no kids. Going for a walk is good but in your case that might be tricky because kids.