I'm feeling so trapped in this marriage aibu?

[Aibuornot36]

Dear wise mumsnetters

I really need your help! Got together with husband about 15 years ago after going through a very traumatic experience with a man I was madly in love with (sexual abuse). Went to aa and sobered up after abusive ex boyfriend and quickly after that met now husband.

Felt husband was a loyal, hardworking type, which he is. Felt that husband and I had good sex, which we still do every month or so. Did think when j met husband that I talk more than he did but put that down to him being quieter, which he is.

After abusive ex, realised that I had mistaken a very dramatic love for 'love' and felt happy to meet someone so loyal and devoted. As I said, knew we didnt laugh a lot together or have very long conversations but sort of overlooked that and thought that would grow with time.

Unfortunately, the chatting and laughing has never really got off the ground. Husband is mainly quiet and sometimes angry which if I'm honest now I saw slight glimpses of very early on. I suppose I thought my slight silliness would rub off on him and we would be able to be silly together sometimes. That has never happened.

I love him in the sense I wouldn't want harm to come to him but I never look forward to him coming home from.work. in the past few years he has completely thrown himself into his job so I barely see him anyway.

Despite my attempts to be upbeat and happy for the kids I sometimes long for someone other than the kids to make me happy and make me laugh! Someone who wanted to spend time doing things with me rather than tolerating my cheerfulness I suppose? I worry the kids see the atmosphere is not great between us and that my husband isnt that happy a person.

Financially we are secure together but things would be tougher apart. I worry about spending the rest of my life alone and or meeting someone else who is physically abusive. My husband would tell you he loves me but day to day I find it hard to believe that and I dont think I love him either.

Is it time to cut my losses and break up? Something deep inside me has been saying for three years or so it is time to let go but I feel so responsible for everything I find it hard to take that leap.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and made the move? Are you happier now?

Tia!!

Bumping...

Is it normal to feel lonely and not to laugh in a marriage?? Tia xx

I'm sorry you're going through this. My first thought is that life is short and you owe it to yourself to be happy and to your kids, to model a healthy, respectful relationship. So I would say perhaps accept that you're not compatible and take steps to separate so that you can have a happy, cheerful home with the kids without his grumpy presence tainting that. Only going on what you say here... Would that be doable? Would he be on board with that? I assume you've already made efforts to cultivate closeness over the years so there's little point carrying on like this... Best of luck x

Thank you AbiBrown I dont think he wants to accept it's over but he doesn't want to work on the marriage either which is a sort of neglect in a way. Sigh. I think when we come out of lockdown j need to sort things out. Its incompatibility though you are right. X

I was going to suggest counselling, but it doesn’t sound like he would be open to it.

@Aibuornot36

Thank you AbiBrown I dont think he wants to accept it's over but he doesn't want to work on the marriage either which is a sort of neglect in a way. Sigh. I think when we come out of lockdown j need to sort things out. Its incompatibility though you are right. X

What does working on the marriage mean to you? It sounds like you want him to change his personality to suit yours. If you’re not happy with him as a partner, leave. He isn’t doing anything wrong being who he’s always been. Go to counseling to help yourself accept him for who he is (and always has been) and decide if you want to remain in a relationship with him would be a good thing.

Do you have any friends that you can have a laugh with and go places with?

RantyAnty yes I have lots of friends I would normally meet up with and would chat to on the school run. I just don't have that sense of fun at home. I have security but not the fun. It's a very tricky one and I am torn as there isn't just me to think about.

AllosaurusMum I think it is a case of we haven't grown closer together over the years socially as I expected us to eg no in jokes or laughter? I wrongly expected that side of things to grow. In the evenings I always sit on my own while.my husband works in the office. I know I sound ungrateful for that but I feel lonely in the marriage. I dont know if I'm just being spoilt or not as my husband is working not gallivanting. If that makes sense. On one hand I think to myself grow up, life isn't all about having fun and on the other I wonder if I can go the rest of my life not laughing in my own home. I am beginning to finally see that my husband is who he is and it won't change.

Do you do anything together? Have you talked to him about how you feel? You said he was angry - he could be feeling lonely too perhaps?

The trouble is, people don’t change like that. You always knew he was a bit quiet, why would that change (I speak with the benefit of bitter experience).

Also, to be honest, it sounds as though he has checked out of the marriage too. He may well not admit this at any stage but I wonder if he’s hoping you will make the first move?

Lozzerbmc yes I have spoken to him about this many times. His response is always that life is hard for everyone, no one gets everything they want. Life is a struggle. I get that that there is always an element of struggle for all humans. I just feel resigned to feeling slightly lost and lonely but know that I could disrupt everything and take some risks. I suppose there is a feeling of its now or never? I am still young enough to take a chance? The kids are getting older now - nearly 10 and 12 - and I thikn they could cope with the three of us living on our own. I think there would be advantages and disadvantages for them if we broke up. Advantages the atmosphere would be better in a place of our own but the disadvantages are I don't know how my husband would cope without us and I would worry about that. Also, down the road, step brothers and sistes etc. I am just completely torn tbh but in the meantime my happiness is from my time with the children. I don't have a very supportive family which may be why I found his steadiness and loyalty the most attractive qualities when we met. I am seeing this in hindsight I think.

Purplewithred I think he is sort of a lone wolf character, if that makes sense. So I am not sure he was ever as 'checked in' as I have tried to be? Certainly on an emotional level.

I know it is unreasonable to expect him to entertain me now as he is not that kind of a person it's just I feel so drained trying to make people happy and be fun and I wish I had someone doing that for me. I suppose I am asking whether this is unrealistic.

How long did you know him before you got married?
You both sound quite different and of course there is nothing wrong with being on the quiet side.
I think what you are after is'companionship' in your marriage and you do not have this with him.
My marriage was the same. We married quickly and at the time I thought ' how can I live with someone so chatty?' It turns out he was intially in the early days chatty because it is all about getting to know you and showing your best self.
Quite quickly I discovered he had 'nothing to say' which only got worse over the years. Yes, I turned to friends instead to fill that gap, but at the end of the day he was still not the partner I needed. You should not have to look elsewhere for what is missing in your marriage.
I recall asking myself would I up sticks and move to the other side of the world and leave family and friends and just have him? The answer was no, because I really needed them as an outlet.
We eventually divorced, turns out he was cheating. I never missed him for a second as there was really nothing to miss.
Living with someone like that can really bring you down mentally as you are always dwelling on the situation and I think you know your dh will never change as that is how he is.. The question is do you really want to carry on living like this?

Crimsonlake thank you so much, yes that sounds familiar. On the first few dates with my husband I actually couldn't get a word in edgeways, I thought he was really chatty and he is with work colleagues but at home it feels... silent. I am constantly wondering what to do eg whether to stay or leave which is not good and no I don't want to carry on living like this.
I sometimes pray I will find out he has a secret drug habit or is having an affair to make things easier to leave. I suppose I am worried that a) I will be on my own in the future, which I feel I am anyway now but without much of a family with my parents etc I know I would feel completely alone... b) financially I would have a lot more worries which wouldn't bother me but I have to think about the children eg I would have to work a lot more than I do now and c) judgement. From his family mainly.

So to answer your question, no I don't want to carry on living like this and I am sure he has also checked out and is not that happy generally or particularly with the marriage but I know he doesn't ever expect to feel happyin life so the marriage doesn't really especially bother him if that makes sense. Also, I do everything with the kids around the home anyway and cook all his meals so even if he was unhappy with the marrriage, I know I do too much for him to encourage a separation.
Thank you. I think the writing is on the wall. I think I need to leave and I think I need to gear myself up for that. It just feels hard to do and sometimes you hear about people regretting it. Deep down I know I won't. I am on my own anyway but feel trapped as well which isn't a great combination...

crimsonlake I knew him a year before we got married so not very long really.

Aibuorno36t, mine was only ever chatty whilst out socialising which he did a lot. If his family visited he would be sociable for a time then would either leave me to continue conversations or even go off and find something to do.
I stayed for the usual story...did not want to break up my family and the sense of failure.
I know lots of people stay together in unhappy marriages and to everyone else outwardly people probably think they are actually in a good place. But no one knows what really goes on in anyones marriage do they?
You do not say how old you are, but can you face another possibly 30 years of this? Look to the future and what life may be like once your children have left home in the next several years. What is left after they have gone when it will just be the two of you?
Eventually I did not even like my ex and sometimes I think that is more important than love. Do you like him as a person?

Crimsonlake thank you, yes I think we need to remind ourselves that no one knows what other people are experiencing in their marriages and how much people are not getting on or struggling.
There is something really powerful about marriage, and thinking you have found your forever person, that is hard to leave I feel. It is hard to leave the sense of finality which once gave you so much comfort. I think that is the bit I am struggling with the most, going from that feeling to going to the sense of uncertainty, if that makes sense.
Do I like my husband? I think I like him but I don't like how unhappy and angry he can be. I don't really look forward to seeing him either which is sad. He said last week that he 'tolerates' me!!! So I think we probably feel the same way about each other deep down. Just feel sad for all of us with regards the uncertainty of change and how the kids will be affected although I'm quite sure they can see that their mum and dad don't make each other happy. It's accepting all of that and doing something about it.

Were you planning on leaving anyway when you found out about the cheating?

I love him in the sense I wouldn't want harm to come to him but I never look forward to him coming home from.work

That's not love. That's the level of respect you would have for any stranger walking along the street. You probably wouldn't want harm to come to me, would you? Or look forward to me coming home from work?

You are staying because you are scared of the future. Many people leave unhappy marriages and are fine. They know how to look after themselves in the world. I suggest that you increase your own confidence in how you will progress your life once you've left the relationship: you're in charge.

Staying in a situation that makes you unhappy due to the assumption that the alternative will be worse is not going to make you happy. Getting in the driver's seat, setting some objectives for how to attain what you want in life will, in itself, make you feel better, and that's an indication that it's the right path to follow.

Eckhart thank you. I know I don't feel about my husband as I should. I am almost certain it's the same for him about me as I have spoken so much about wanting to make changes in the marriage but it never happens and space is never made for it to happen.

You are right I need to change my mindset and get into the driver's seat again and know I can do it. Thank you for the pep talk!!

Leave. Get out. Do it this year. I've been married almost 20 years. First for me, second for DH. We have the crack constantly. We do stuff all day every day to make each other laugh and get through life.

We have both had life threatening illnesses and neither of us are out of the woods but we support each other in everything. He is there for me no matter what and vice versa.

My ex had no sense of humour and when I extracted myself from that relationship it was like a heavy wet blanket had been lifted off me. Had I known I was going to meet DH I would have eft much sooner.

If you don't jump, you can't land.

NotSeenBulling sometimes I cry about the fact we don't laugh!

It's lovely to hear your story and how things have changed for you, thank you so much for sharing. I tried to bring it up to my husband again before lunch and he shot me down again - 'no one is happy during lockdown etc etc...' he doesn't want to face the inevitable I don't think.

I know what it is to be with someone where you are making each other laugh and I hope to be in that situation again one day, it is true magic!! Thank you and hope you feel better xx

Oh my vod this is my life and my marraige. I did a double take to see did i actally qrite your message. I have the very same concerns you have and the lack of joy, laughter, mutual understanding is slowly shaving away who I am. Ive been married fpr 7 years and like you assumed we would grow as a couple, but as every day goes by i feel I know him less and less or that there is actually very little tp know about him. I have been feeling like this for a few years. I know deep down he cant change and its never going to change. We never laugh, we will never have any light goofy moments. It will be quiet, practical, serious and monotone.

All the while he is good man and a good father. Bug therell be no adult joy between us.

I am on the brink - of couse I am distraught for the kids, for him, for me. I dont know wjat to do either. Like you say lofe is a struggle.

Alologies for all the typos - a new phone!

Thanks Oona1981 for replying it is such a difficult situation isn't it?

No joy is so sad for everyone concerned. Who wants to be serious all the time in their own home?! I feel your pain and I'm sorry xx

PS I think I know what i need to do it's just hard as I know my husband will resist.

I can so relate to this. No fun or messing or jokes or light heartedness. I don't know how I've ended up married to someone so unlike me, I'm the comedian in my group of friends.

We seem to always misunderstand what the other is saying or meaning so there's agitation and impatience with every exchange. And he's such a defensive person, takes everything as a criticism, and i mean everything. If i ask him to turn the telly down he takes it as a slight on his character.. that I'm suggesting he doesn't care about other people or isn't aware aware the kids are asleep hence he's a bad father. When all I'm actually saying is the TV is a bit loud. It gets to the stage where it's easier to say nothing. silence. It's death by a thousand cuts.

Jellyteeth I am sorry there are more of us going through this than meets the eye. Death by a thousand cuts sounds about right and I think lockdown shows that up even more, you can overlook that lack of connection more easily when you are meeting up with friends regularly. I would love to find evidence of an affair or a gambling habit or something else to push me over the edge to leave... feel like a big coward tbh!!