I'm feeling so trapped in this marriage aibu?

[Aibuornot36]

Dear wise mumsnetters

I really need your help! Got together with husband about 15 years ago after going through a very traumatic experience with a man I was madly in love with (sexual abuse). Went to aa and sobered up after abusive ex boyfriend and quickly after that met now husband.

Felt husband was a loyal, hardworking type, which he is. Felt that husband and I had good sex, which we still do every month or so. Did think when j met husband that I talk more than he did but put that down to him being quieter, which he is.

After abusive ex, realised that I had mistaken a very dramatic love for 'love' and felt happy to meet someone so loyal and devoted. As I said, knew we didnt laugh a lot together or have very long conversations but sort of overlooked that and thought that would grow with time.

Unfortunately, the chatting and laughing has never really got off the ground. Husband is mainly quiet and sometimes angry which if I'm honest now I saw slight glimpses of very early on. I suppose I thought my slight silliness would rub off on him and we would be able to be silly together sometimes. That has never happened.

I love him in the sense I wouldn't want harm to come to him but I never look forward to him coming home from.work. in the past few years he has completely thrown himself into his job so I barely see him anyway.

Despite my attempts to be upbeat and happy for the kids I sometimes long for someone other than the kids to make me happy and make me laugh! Someone who wanted to spend time doing things with me rather than tolerating my cheerfulness I suppose? I worry the kids see the atmosphere is not great between us and that my husband isnt that happy a person.

Financially we are secure together but things would be tougher apart. I worry about spending the rest of my life alone and or meeting someone else who is physically abusive. My husband would tell you he loves me but day to day I find it hard to believe that and I dont think I love him either.

Is it time to cut my losses and break up? Something deep inside me has been saying for three years or so it is time to let go but I feel so responsible for everything I find it hard to take that leap.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and made the move? Are you happier now?

Tia!!

I often think if he was having an affair I'd just pretend not to notice because i wouldn't really care. For me it's not a case of finding a reason to leave, it's more a case of where would i go. My children are small and i would never want to be apart from them for half the week or whatever way custody fell (not suggesting women who do leave aren't feeling exactly the same way!). We live in a city with a chronic shortage of rentals and even a 2 bed in a bad area goes for about €1700. I love where i live and my friends and neighbours and the kids are in a great school. All of that just has to be enough for me. And it is in many ways. I agree lockdown has shone a light on issues that could have previously been brushed over.

Jellyteeth it's often the practical / financials that keep us here isnt it. So tricky and scary all.of that responsibility on your own. My kids are getting bigger now, though, so I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I know our lives would be more peaceful if we left xx

Good for you. Sounds like the decision is made and now it's just getting all the logistics sorted. You're very brave.