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Original poster

Upset by friend - forgive or not?

124 replies

ThatchersCold · 27/02/2021 15:51

I’m not a confrontational person so don’t know how to deal with this.

A couple of weeks ago it was my 40th. Obviously it’s impossible to do much celebrating at the moment, but my long term best friend said she would throw me a mini ‘party’ at hers. She’s my support bubble (both single parents). Let’s call her friend A.

She said she would also invite friend B (before the covid police start yes I know this was against the rules but it was my 40th and depressing enough, it’s not like we had 30 people over). I’ve only really become good friends with friend B since last summer, which mostly came about because we started seeing 2 blokes who were brothers and working temporarily in this area. Friend A was never very happy about me being friends with friend B, which she admits is daft and she’s been trying to be more understanding and inclusive. So there was always the potential for that to cause problems.

Long story short, the blokes that me and friend B left the area, I carried on seeing the one I met, whereas his brother ended it with her. She really liked him, and has since then found it difficult to accept that I’m still with my bf and she’s not.

However she has been seeing this other guy for a few months, who I haven’t met in person but to be honest from what she’s told me he sounds like a controlling knob. She doesn’t even like him that much and still obsesses over my bf’s brother.

That’s the backstory. So it gets to the night of my 40th, Friend B was already hammered when I got to friend A’s house. She talked a lot about how she was ‘going through a breakup’ - basically this twat that she’s seeing hadn’t texted her for three days. So probably not an actual breakup, he just does this sometimes to punish her (like I say, he’s a knob).

Friend B kept putting her feet on my lap while we were sat on the sofa, I kept asking her not to but she kept doing it and laughing which pissed me off. I don’t like feet and really didn’t want her bare feet on my lap, which I think is fair enough.

Earlier that day I’d received some flowers, with no name on the card. My bf is working abroad at the moment, and I really hoped they were from him, and had messaged him to ask but hadn’t heard back. Friend B kept saying things like ‘oh they could be from anyone’ and ‘be nice if they were from him but I don’t think it’s his style’ - like she wanted them to not be from him. Anyway he finally messaged back and confirmed they were from him, which I think is what pushed friend B over the edge. She really can’t handle that I’m still with him, it’s bonkers.

So then she just started being a right PITA, firstly picking arguments with friend A, saying she don’t know why she was invited as clearly neither of us wanted her there . Then she started going on about how she was going through a breakup again. I tried to be kind and supportive over that but she just really turned on me, stood up and was shouting in my face about how I don’t understand what she’s going through, how it’s fine for me because ‘my life’s perfect’, I’m still with my bf and he sent me flowers etc (the real crux of the matter I think).

For the record, my life is really not perfect. I have ME and PTSD from a really bad time of domestic abuse, and I am a single parent of 2 disabled children. I have a lovely bf but I hardly ever get to see him as he’s rarely in the same country as me. Literally no one has ever described my life as perfect before!

This culminated in friend B storming around getting her things together and saying she was going. I pleaded with her not to, and said please stay, it’s my 40th, but she was determined to flounce off, and went.

Didn’t hear from her for a few days until she messaged suggesting we went for a run. I replied saying I wasn’t well. Since then I’ve had I think 3 messages from her asking how things are, with lots of kisses. Well how I am is pretty pissed off that she behaved like that on my birthday, it put a real downer on what was already a pretty shit 40th.

I like my life to be calm and chilled and I’m selective about who I spend my time with, I hate drama and I haven’t experienced anything like this since secondary school! So I’m torn between just writing her off as a friend, and forgiving her. I realise that what she did comes from a place of drunkenness and jealousy, so maybe the right thing to do is to let it go. It would have been nice to get some kind of acknowledgment or apology from her but that’s obviously not happening. She is generally a kind and nice person so this was out of character for her.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatchersCold · 28/02/2021 14:27

This is what she replied with this morning. Her dramatic outburst began with saying that we didn’t want her there which both me and A said wasn’t true, apart from me asking her not to put her feet on me several times we’d been nothing but pleasant to her, but clearly that’s the only bit she remembers. It’s possibly true that she doesn’t remember a lot, there was another night last autumn where she drank so much that she could literally remember nothing the next day, but on that occasion she was so pissed she was throwing up over everything which was worse than the night of my bday, she didn’t seem AS drunk on my bday.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatchersCold · 28/02/2021 14:37

@earlyforties yes I told friend A what I’d said to B, and she messaged saying that was a really good message. I think she’d be quite happy if friend B disappeared off the scene. Me and friend A moved here around the same time and have been good friends for years, but her child is younger than mine and friend B’a children, so she can’t come out that often. So when the pubs were open last year me and friend B started going out drinking together quite a bit, which friend A got quite jealous about. It wasn’t a case of choosing one over the other though, it was simply because me and friend B don’t need to find childcare so can go out whenever.

OP posts:

CorianderBee · 28/02/2021 14:51

I'd forgive her after that message. She was clearly pissed and in a very bad place. I've definitely done bad things when drunk and don't remember them the next day and am so embarrassed when I find out.

I'd let it go

Kittykat93 · 28/02/2021 15:09

Its extremely immature and annoying and shes obviously acted like a tit. But she was really drunk and I know personally I have said and done some things I would never have done sober, things I didn't mean at all. And if shes in A bad place the drink probably just made her feel loads worse. I'd forgive her if she was a good mate otherwise. Her message sounds apologetic

raspberrycordial · 28/02/2021 15:49

She sounds genuine, I've been in that place where I haven't known myself and been very unhappy, she needed a wake up call from you which you've given and now it's up to her to sort herself out. Although she upset you and was in the wrong, I think she now needs a bit of care from you (if you do want to continue being friends).

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 28/02/2021 15:55

She does sound genuine, but I would cool things a bit and maintain wariness. I don't want my social life to be under constant threat of disruption by a 40-ish grown up who gets uncontrollably drink, throws up and shouts at people. However bad they are feeling.

KeyboardMash · 28/02/2021 16:30

If I'd known her a while, if I generally liked her, and this wasn't characteristic, I'd probably decide to move past it after that message. I'd have limited patience for a repeat performance.

Sounds like she needs to lay off the booze though!

NovemberR · 28/02/2021 17:52

@CorianderBee

I'd let it go

You see, I wouldn't.

To me that reads as another Me, me, me message. She doesn't ask what she said to you (if she genuinely can't remember). There is no real remorse - it's all about her.

She thought she had a good reason. She wants her life back. That behaviour isn't her. She wants your friendship. She liked who she was in the summer and wants to be her again.

There is very little in there about you. And no real apology. It's full of excuses and full of her.

That would be enough for me to text, Glad you understand why I'm stepping away from this.

Silenceisgolden20 · 28/02/2021 18:21

Yeah it's a very selfish apology.

Doughnut100 · 28/02/2021 18:26

I'm really surprised you haven't been comprehensively flamed already for this. People must be feeling charitable what with the sunshine and all.

Breaking lockdown rules is selfish and short sighted. Seeing as we are coming up to a year of covid, literally nearly every person in the country has had a birthday they couldn't celebrate properly. You are not any more special and deserving than every other person. Acknowledging that you broke the rules doesn't make up for it somehow.

And then moaning about these petty squabbles and expecting the rest of us to care (the rest of us who have, by the way, sacrificed our entire family's birthday celebrations / last visits to dying relatives / weddings / families meeting new babies/ I could go on). Why are you even asking about it? You all sound like children. If you don't want drama, don't associate with drunken fools. Done. (Although if you want to ruminate about this kind of nonsense on forums, it suggests that you are not as adverse to drama as you claim.)

Honeyroar · 28/02/2021 19:21

I’d give her another chance after that message.

partyatthepalace · 28/02/2021 19:27

It's all very teenage

Given B has only been in your life a year I'd probably let her go, but if that's awkward in a small town I would shift her to B list. Would also take a breather from her right now, and next time I met her I would say I know you are having a rough time, but that was my birthday - don't do it again.

partyatthepalace · 28/02/2021 19:28

@Doughnut100

I'm really surprised you haven't been comprehensively flamed already for this. People must be feeling charitable what with the sunshine and all.

You could have just... ignored the thread?

justilou1 · 28/02/2021 20:28

Hmmm....
“Sorry.... Now back to me.... Blah, blah, blah...”

Original poster

ThatchersCold · 28/02/2021 21:50

Yeah it is a bit like that. I said I’d message her later today but honestly I don’t have the energy for it, energy for me is at a premium at the moment with my illness and I’ve had a busy day. I think I will message her or call her sometime over the next few days and fill her in on what she can’t remember. And say that I don’t hate her or anything but at the moment need a bit of space as I’m upset about what happened. I would like to clear the air and hopefully leave things civil as we do live in such a small place (also she is very sociable and knows everyone, I keep myself to myself largely). So it would be easier not to have her as an enemy.

As an aside, I noticed from her fb today that she is still with the bloke she is seeing, so the whole drama of ‘I’m going through a breakup!!!!!’ which ended up being the cause of ruining my 40th was not, as I suspected, a breakup....he just hadn’t texted for 3 days.

OP posts:

SionnachGlic · 28/02/2021 22:28

She sounds draining...giving yourself a break from it OP can only be positive for you. And I agree as other PPs have said..the 'apology' is all about her. We all have bad days here & there, I don't go ruining other friend's parties if I'm having an off day.

Honeyroar · 28/02/2021 22:42

You don’t sound as though you really want to be friends with her. Nor does your other friend. Perhaps just meet her and roughly smooth things out, but then back away a little after that?

Silenceisgolden20 · 28/02/2021 22:51

@ThatchersCold

But why? Why are you spending your energy calling her to say you don't hate her? You're people pleasing. Calling her to say you need space is a contradiction. Leave it. You can be civil when you see her but if you call her, you're continuing the drama and a need in you to fix it.

What a waste of energy

pictish · 28/02/2021 23:15

So. You’ve know her a year or so...I think you’ve seen enough to know what she’s about. Christ...she thinks you should be grateful to her for staying friends with you after your boyfriend’s brother dumped her. What the hell is this narcissistic twat on?

I’d be inclined to let her go by the wayside.

pictish · 28/02/2021 23:36

Just relegate her to mate status. No obvious fall out, perfectly civil in company and bumping in to one another. Be busier, less available, withdraw.
I find it appalling that she knows your circumstances regarding your health and your children yet she holds your decent boyfriend against you. I’m sure her attitude is not personal to you, she’s just a self-centred person who lacks empathy. You do get them.

Original poster

ThatchersCold · 02/03/2021 20:20

But of an update - I hadn’t messaged or called friend B as I just haven’t had the energy the last couple of days. So today she went to friend A’s house to pick up something she left there, and was like “Thatchers hates me...she said she’d message and she hasn’t and I can’t remember what happened that night”.

So friend A filled her in on what she’d done that night, including standing over me and shouting at me because my life’s perfect.

Her response was to say “oh...yeah to be honest I’m insanely jealous that it worked out for Thatchers and her bf and not for me and his brother, and I just can’t pretend to be happy for her anymore”.

I mean, that’s obviously what I already knew but for her to come and say it like that is a bit . I’ve had some desperately horrible, shit times in my life but that hasn’t stopped me from being happy for friends who had good things happening. I really can’t be bothered with her at all now...she knows what happened so I’ll leave it at that. It’s just a shame she chose my 40th birthday to let loose with her feelings, I’ll never get another one.

OP posts:

1FootInTheRave · 02/03/2021 21:23

Just block the stupid cunt.

Youllbeoldertoo · 02/03/2021 21:53

@ThatchersCold
She sounds like a nightmare op but are you sure that’s 100% what she said, I wouldn’t be surprised if friend A wasn’t being a bit liberal with the truth because as you’ve said many times “she would be happy if friend b was off the scene” neither sound like particularly good friends. Friend A jealous and controlling friend B batshit crazy.

Original poster

ThatchersCold · 02/03/2021 21:56

@Youllbeoldertoo no she was pretty clear that’s what she said, I do trust her on that.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 02/03/2021 21:59

Friend a is a good friend for inviting that to her house for you! Don’t forget to appreciate friend A. Friend B is jsut self obsessed and as she’s said she can’t be happy for you she’s not really a friend is she?

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