Upset by friend - forgive or not?

[ThatchersCold]

I’m not a confrontational person so don’t know how to deal with this.

A couple of weeks ago it was my 40th. Obviously it’s impossible to do much celebrating at the moment, but my long term best friend said she would throw me a mini ‘party’ at hers. She’s my support bubble (both single parents). Let’s call her friend A.

She said she would also invite friend B (before the covid police start yes I know this was against the rules but it was my 40th and depressing enough, it’s not like we had 30 people over). I’ve only really become good friends with friend B since last summer, which mostly came about because we started seeing 2 blokes who were brothers and working temporarily in this area. Friend A was never very happy about me being friends with friend B, which she admits is daft and she’s been trying to be more understanding and inclusive. So there was always the potential for that to cause problems.

Long story short, the blokes that me and friend B left the area, I carried on seeing the one I met, whereas his brother ended it with her. She really liked him, and has since then found it difficult to accept that I’m still with my bf and she’s not.

However she has been seeing this other guy for a few months, who I haven’t met in person but to be honest from what she’s told me he sounds like a controlling knob. She doesn’t even like him that much and still obsesses over my bf’s brother.

That’s the backstory. So it gets to the night of my 40th, Friend B was already hammered when I got to friend A’s house. She talked a lot about how she was ‘going through a breakup’ - basically this twat that she’s seeing hadn’t texted her for three days. So probably not an actual breakup, he just does this sometimes to punish her (like I say, he’s a knob).

Friend B kept putting her feet on my lap while we were sat on the sofa, I kept asking her not to but she kept doing it and laughing which pissed me off. I don’t like feet and really didn’t want her bare feet on my lap, which I think is fair enough.

Earlier that day I’d received some flowers, with no name on the card. My bf is working abroad at the moment, and I really hoped they were from him, and had messaged him to ask but hadn’t heard back. Friend B kept saying things like ‘oh they could be from anyone’ and ‘be nice if they were from him but I don’t think it’s his style’ - like she wanted them to not be from him. Anyway he finally messaged back and confirmed they were from him, which I think is what pushed friend B over the edge. She really can’t handle that I’m still with him, it’s bonkers.

So then she just started being a right PITA, firstly picking arguments with friend A, saying she don’t know why she was invited as clearly neither of us wanted her there . Then she started going on about how she was going through a breakup again. I tried to be kind and supportive over that but she just really turned on me, stood up and was shouting in my face about how I don’t understand what she’s going through, how it’s fine for me because ‘my life’s perfect’, I’m still with my bf and he sent me flowers etc (the real crux of the matter I think).

For the record, my life is really not perfect. I have ME and PTSD from a really bad time of domestic abuse, and I am a single parent of 2 disabled children. I have a lovely bf but I hardly ever get to see him as he’s rarely in the same country as me. Literally no one has ever described my life as perfect before!

This culminated in friend B storming around getting her things together and saying she was going. I pleaded with her not to, and said please stay, it’s my 40th, but she was determined to flounce off, and went.

Didn’t hear from her for a few days until she messaged suggesting we went for a run. I replied saying I wasn’t well. Since then I’ve had I think 3 messages from her asking how things are, with lots of kisses. Well how I am is pretty pissed off that she behaved like that on my birthday, it put a real downer on what was already a pretty shit 40th.

I like my life to be calm and chilled and I’m selective about who I spend my time with, I hate drama and I haven’t experienced anything like this since secondary school! So I’m torn between just writing her off as a friend, and forgiving her. I realise that what she did comes from a place of drunkenness and jealousy, so maybe the right thing to do is to let it go. It would have been nice to get some kind of acknowledgment or apology from her but that’s obviously not happening. She is generally a kind and nice person so this was out of character for her.

WWYD?

I would absolutely confront her about her behavior. You could text her telling her you were really upset at her behavior at your 40th which was important to you. Her response will tell you everything. If she is apologetic and acknowledges her behavior then I think you can give her a very cautious second chance.
If she gets upset at being confronted and turns this around, then ditch her without a doubt.

There is a middle way. You don’t have to be confrontational to tell someone how you feel.

“I’d like to be honest with you: I am pretty upset about what happened on my birthday. Your shouting and flounce did not feel like a celebration. I think you owe A and I an apology.”

Tbh she sounds like too much trouble. But she will either accept she is in the wrong, apologise and you might be able to move forwards.

But I don’t know why you would persist with any friendship if she doesn’t apologise,

If I was A I would never have anything to do with her again. It was appalling behaviour in her house at a celebration she had arranged.

I don’t know why my comment was deleted!

I said they sounded like immature gobshites, not that she was one.

I think breaking lockdown for a party, being jealous of your friends being friends, gloating because your boyfriend didn’t dump you but your friend’s one did, and assuming another adult is jealous of a bunch of flowers is immature and gobshitey!

@HighHeelBoots yes making it all about her is exactly what happened.

To the poster that asked, I wanted her to stay as I thought she was a good friend and I wanted her to stop being dramatic and stay and celebrate my 40th.

I don’t think I am able to just sweep it under the carpet and forget about it, I do need to say something to her. Whether that’s the end of our friendship or not does depend on how she responds. Thanks for the helpful suggestions about how to do that.

But even if we do make up it’s going to be hard because I now feel like I can’t mention my bf at all, and it’s not going to much of a friendship if I can’t talk about the man I’m in a relationship with.

@OhCaptain you’re quite the delight aren’t you? For the record I’ve never ‘gloated’ that I’m still with my bf, I have been very understanding towards her that she finds that difficult.

I'd write her off as a friend but if you're feeling torn stay acquaintances, just keep your distance.

The only way I'd consider letting things return to the way they were would be if she gave you a full apology and even then I wouldn't feel the same way about her.

[quote ThatchersCold]@OhCaptain you’re quite the delight aren’t you? For the record I’ve never ‘gloated’ that I’m still with my bf, I have been very understanding towards her that she finds that difficult.[/quote]
Maybe not to her but you’re determined to think it’s responsible for her actions.

Imagine if you’d been adult enough not to want a party during a lockdown? None of this would have happened.

As for the ‘delight’ comment I think that’s rich coming from someone so breathtakingly selfish!

She needs to grow up. I would ditch her - a friendship should not be so much hard work.

Sounds like a bunch of 15 year olds not 40 year old and maybe 'friends'.
As someone else said grow up.
The bubble thing so 3 of you from different bubbles and then the bubbles with whichever bf's are being seen at the moment - I got a bit bored reading about the teenage jealously thing...
Now if someone puts their feet on you and is drunk and doesn't stop then get up and move away or leave. Why bother to mix with this type.

@OhCaptain I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to a party but generally there are more than three people there.

I hold my hands up to the fact that on my 40th birthday there were three people instead of two. I think calling this ‘breathtakingly selfish’ may be being a little dramatic on your part, but you do you.

[quote ThatchersCold]@OhCaptain I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to a party but generally there are more than three people there.

I hold my hands up to the fact that on my 40th birthday there were three people instead of two. I think calling this ‘breathtakingly selfish’ may be being a little dramatic on your part, but you do you.[/quote]
No, you’re absolutely right. You are the only person in the whole world to turn 40 during lockdown and therefore should be allowed to do whatever you want.

I’m being so dramatic, aren’t I? I should instead look to the behaviour of you and your “friends” and try to reach that level of maturity and sensibility. 🤣🤣🤣

My forgiveness would be dependent on receiving a sincere and unprompted apology. And I don’t think A has covered herself in glory either — presumably if only one other friend could be invited, there must be lots more suitable candidates than someone who’s only been in your life since last summer and then only because of who you were seeing...?

You have a boundary, no drama. Maintain it. If she's not going to apologise or show any remorse than it's still drama because things will go unsaid and it will take up much more of your mental energy than you need to be spending on people who can't support you for one day of the year.

@Fleapit yes I do have more than two friends and in normal times there would have been more suitable contenders. But A, B and me all live in the same small town, other friends would have come from further afield and obviously nobody is supposed to be travelling around at the moment.

There are many red flags. When a person is angry at you because her boyfriend dumped her and yours didn’t, she can only be happy for herself. Being disrespectful to you and putting her feet on your lap, especially when you asked her not to. Being drunk when she arrived and being a nasty drunk. Being jealous because your boyfriend sent you flowers Spoiling your birthday.

I wonder if your boyfriend’s brother dumped her because he had seen what a nasty bitch she is.

She hasn’t apologised.

You don’t have to be enemies, if you see her around town say hello but keep your distance.

@Cokie3

It seems friend A was right about her all along. Maybe friend A had a woman's intuition about her, a 6th sense.

I don't buy that friend B is 'embarrassed' about her behaviour. If she was, she'd have the decency to address it in the message and apologise. Not message as if nothing happened which is exactly what she is doing. Not mentioning it in the hopes you 'let it go'. And there is no way that friend B doesn't remember, and even if she doesn't, surely she'd ask 'what happened at your party? I don't remember'. She should at least apologise on point of first contact ie first time she messaged you after. That she didn't shows she doesn't care. And I certainly would not do what snowblower said, that reinforces in friend B's mind that she herself is the victim and has the OP bending over feeling sorry for her, and basically being a doormat and ingratiating yourself to her. When it should be the other way around.

I would message her, tell her that you thought she was your friend and she spitefully ruined your 40th, that you are very hurt and have no intention of meeting up with her. Then act depending on what she says back in a reply (if she does reply).

In short, NO. Absolutely do not forgive her, until she apologises at least, and she hasn't even had the decency to do that. Show respect for yourself and for your boundaries.

Every word of this!

She's spiteful, immature and you only started hanging out with her last summer.

She's not your friend. And if I was A I'd have asked her to leave my house way before she flounced. It's a disgraceful way to behave at someone else's birthday, and in someone else's house.

I'd have been pissed off if my teenager had behaved like that!

Not sure why people have to be so patronising by saying "are you 14 or 40?" and "you all need to grow up", it isn't OPs fault B acted like a tit.

Don't bother with her, unless she actually is genuine in an apology. She sounds like hard work.

She made your milestone birthday all about her, and ruined it for you. If she were a nice person she wouldn't have done that. She'd have kept quiet about her own troubles and celebrated with you.

You don't need someone like that as a friend. She's no friend.

Thanks for the replies.

Yeah my gut feeling is to keep her at arm’s length from now on. I’ll be civil if I see her about, but I really don’t seek or need drama. I don’t usually bear a grudge but I am really hurt about the way she behaved. I have enough lovely people in my life (although obviously don’t get to actually see them at the moment) that I don’t need a ‘friend’ like that.

@NovemberR yes I’m quite impressed friend A put up with her as long as she did, she’s not the most tolerant person! I was the last to arrive but apparently when friend B arrived she said “I don’t really want to be here, I’m not feeling it tonight” - all in relation to the fact this bloke hadn’t texted for 3 days . And the way she acted showed that she really didn’t want to be there and created this situation so that she could go. I wish she’d never come in the first place if that’s how she felt.

@earlyforties sorry didn’t see your second question earlier. I didn’t lie about not being able to go for a run, I really wasn’t feeling well. I have ME and after being in remission for ages have been feeling really crap the last couple of weeks.

To be honest I would text her back and say I like my life to be calm and chilled and I’m selective about who I spend my time with, I hate drama and I haven’t experienced anything like this since secondary school! and see what she says when she is called out on the nonsense.

Get reaction would influence whether I stayed friends or wrote her off - if she admitted she had been a bit of a twat and apologised I'd give her a second chance, if she got all defensive and stated blaming you I wouldn't

*her reaction