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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Best ways to forget someone

28 replies

Claire926 · 27/02/2021 15:46

I am moving on from someone because it is not going to happen. I rejoined Bumble and have had lots of interest. I also went for a walk with a male friend earlier who I know is interested. The problem is my mind drifts back to the original guy. I know I shouldn't think about him because he can't give me what I deserve. I just want the pain to go away and move on.

OP posts:
Tropicalparadise75 · 27/02/2021 16:12

It’s a cliche but it does just take time. Also write down all the bad things you don’t miss about them/ reasons you left. It always helps to meet someone you love more too x

FlatChestAthlete · 27/02/2021 17:52

OP a clean break. Remove all items that remind you of him, or of you as a couple. Mix in different groups, virtually at the moment unfortunately, and make new memories with friends, and go on dates, virtual and walks are OK. Give yourself that confidence that other men are interested in you.
Might be helpful to us if you explain what are the things he couldn't give you? Are we talking commitment, marriage and kids for example?

something2say · 27/02/2021 17:54

Be busy during these early days as well. Do things, go out, stay occupied. Its hard at first and thoughts will creep in, but you'll soon move on...

Original poster
Claire926 · 27/02/2021 18:05

@FlatChestAthlete I won't really go into the details as people on this forum think I'm mad, but they don't know as they were not there when we were together. There was a friend, we spent lots of time together, there was mutual attraction but we did not tell each other. He started a PGCE but it has got very intense in January and I no longer hear from him. I know in my heart if it was not for this course I would have got my answer. I find it pointless telling him how I feel as he does not physically have the time for his friends right now anyway so would not have time for me. I just wanted a relationship but he would not have time for one and that is not an excuse.

I just can't wait till restrictions are lifted so I can go back to walking groups and join new ones even if it is a distraction getting out and meeting new people.

OP posts:
doingthehoovering · 27/02/2021 18:06

Remain no contact and act as if he has disappeared off the face of the earth. It's the quickest way to forget someone. Good that you're back on OLD and at least giving other guys a chance. Good luck

Kelly345 · 27/02/2021 18:08

There wasn't a phantom pregnancy in this story by any chance?

Original poster
Claire926 · 27/02/2021 18:11

@Kelly345 Definitely no phantom pregnancy, that's disturbing!

OP posts:
Kelly345 · 27/02/2021 18:13

Thank god. I thought it was a resurrection of the thread from this morning. That was way over the top lol

Original poster
Claire926 · 27/02/2021 19:32

I just deleted the FB dating and Bumble apps, the men are awful. I think I will just wait a month till lockdown eases and can meet new people in person.

OP posts:
Chicchicchicchiclana · 27/02/2021 19:35

Put a fairly tight elastic band round your wrist. Every time you think of this person, pull out the elastic band as far as it will go and let it snap back so that it pings onto your arm and hurts you.

Tropicalparadise75 · 27/02/2021 19:41

I think dating apps can make you yearn for someone more. The many awful guys can make you feel a bit hopeless (been there). It’s a good distraction at times but it does have that negative effect of building your hopes and dashing them and magnifying the positives of past relationships. It’s truly a numbers game and there are nice ones on there but takes a while to find one. If it’s making you feel worse , step away and look for other distractions x

velvetpeach · 27/02/2021 20:25

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Lurcherloves · 27/02/2021 21:05

You don’t have to be a victim to your feelings. Every time you start thinking of him change what you are thinking about on purpose. Probably be best to distract yourself first. If you really can’t stop try to think of the things that aren’t right about him and imagine how much worse they would be once the initial attraction has worn off

Original poster
Claire926 · 27/02/2021 21:17

@Lurcherloves You are right, he has so many flaws. I think lockdown has left me clutching at straws due to minimal options. Seriously if I wrote down all the red flags I think everyone would tell me on here to never speak to him again.

OP posts:
Tropicalparadise75 · 28/02/2021 13:51

@Claire926 you weren’t actually in a relationship with him I believe? I think you can sometimes get a bit obsessed with someone - like infatuation. It’s not reality. It seems he never made the move to start a relationship and you’re spending your time in a fantasy when you could be focusing on real opportunities with other nice men.

Sure there’s lots of advice you can find online but here’s something I googled , good luck

pairedlife.com/love/overcomeinfatuation

Eckhart · 28/02/2021 14:37

You recognise your own worth, and you respect that your feelings are all valid, and you need time to process them.

It's like saying 'How can I heal a broken bone by tomorrow?' You can't. You have to wait, and the plaster will itch and be annoying and it will hurt and disturb your sleep, and there is nothing you can do apart from spend as much time as you can doing things you love as best you can, until the waiting is over and you are healed.

The fact that you are looking for new romance to get over old romance suggests that you rely too heavily on validation from a partner. Validate yourself. You rock. You don't need a date to tell you that.

Do you?

Tropicalparadise75 · 28/02/2021 15:51

@Eckhart I like that analogy

CD845623 · 28/02/2021 15:54

I think you have to make active, conscious choices not to think about him. Maybe write that list of bad qualities you mention above to look at. Then actively decide to not think about him, and when your thoughts wander to him, turn them away, or read the bad qualities list.

This also includes not talking to friends about him, and not starting more threads about him.

Phoenixrise · 28/02/2021 15:57

I am in the exact same position, all I can suggest is keep busy, find the things you love doing, and find time to talk your friends.

Also give yourself time to feel the pain, it’s not easy, but a few bad days will help

candycrushsaga · 28/02/2021 15:57

Dating apps are bad when you're fresh out and trying to forget because it makes you miss the original guy after seeing all the eww guys on the dating apps. I would stay clear from dating a little bit and just invest into myself doing exercises, watching movies, reading a books and taking up a arty hobby. I know many people have mentioned it, it takes time to heal.

Tavannach · 28/02/2021 16:05

Every time he comes into your mind take a moment to mentally wish him luck, and then get on with something else.

Original poster
Claire926 · 28/02/2021 16:37

Thanks for all your kind comments. I deleted the apps last night as it made me feel worse and I should not be using others to get over someone. Plus I could end up with the wrong person. My mind can get carried away and there is someone out there who is more deserving and can give me what I want. I am usually fine and busy with my life but hate it when men want my attention to validate themselves with no intent on taking it further. Selfish behaviour from them.

Those who suggested making a list of his bad qualities is a great idea. I know of 18 flaws that most women on here would not put up with. If others won’t put up with the bad things then why should I allow that poor behaviour in my life.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 28/02/2021 16:49

I have a further idea: identify how those 18 behaviours of his made you feel. This will help you in the future to identify the feelings of dissatisfaction that you feel in a relationship, so that you can more easily avoid them, should they arise.

Also, by doing this, by using him as a lesson in what not to accept, you will put him, in your mind, firmly in the past.

Original poster
Claire926 · 28/02/2021 17:38

@Eckhart This is a brilliant concept. This is where I need to start the real work. I think by writing down each flaw and how it made me feel will be key in identifying my dissatisfaction and not to accept it again.

I think him cutting me off because he is 'too busy' focusing on his course should be point number one. No-one is that busy, he could message from the toilet if he was that desperate to stay in touch.

I can't believe looking back what I put up with off him. I would not tolerate his behaviour if it was a friend.

I know I shouldn't think ahead but I don't know what to do as at some point he will get back in touch either before or after the course. I really don't want to be going on these summer walks again and wasting my time because it is clear he does not want to do anything about it when it could be spent getting to know new men. I thought I would say that now as I don't want to be posting about him later on down the line.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 28/02/2021 17:51

You don't have to worry about guys/relationships in the future.

You are single. You are brilliant. You are going to work on being a stronger you, with stronger boundaries, a stronger sense of yourself.

The relationships you have in the future (romantic/work/family/friend) will all rest on a strong foundation which you are about to build. By the time you have a new romantic relationship, you will be a different you. You won't be able to conceptualise it from here, because you haven't taught yourself the right mindset yet.

it is clear he does not want to do anything about it when it could be spent getting to know new men

Forget this. It could be spent on you doing really nice things for you because it makes you feel good. That's how you get self respect. Treat yourself the way you would like to be treated by the most loving person in the world. You are special. Treat yourself like it, rather than handing your wellbeing over to a guy, and then another guy, then another.