Am I too soft on my son or expecting too much, puzzled by his attitude?

[PurpleSapphire]

Bit of backstory. I'm a single mum to two dc, I worked most of their lives until various health issues meant I had to claim ESA which i'm on at the moment. Some of my conditions i'll have to live with, two of them are "fixable" which would probably enable me to go back to work. Unfortunately the way things are at the moment any treatment I need to have is on hold, completely understandable.
My son is 24 and came back from Uni last year. He has had to claim jobseekers, has been applying for as many jobs as he can but no luck so far and so I have never asked him for anything towards the bills or food as I didn't think it fair when he gets so little to live on. He doesn't have a car, the only thing he has to pay out is £10 for his PAYG mobile each month. He never went out before the pandemic so doesn't spend anything on travel, his money is basically his own to spend as he pleases. I'm currently waiting for the sale of my parents house to go through. It is shared between myself and my two dc although theirs is held until the age of 25 so he'll have a decent start next year. Last night I was checking my bank statement and half jokingly said to him if it gets any lower I might have to borrow some money from him (he has a small amount of savings within the limit allowed to claim jobseekers). He absolutely point blank refused. I told him I would give it him back as soon as the house was completed and I get my share of the money (a couple of months hopefully) and his answer was "IF I get it back". I was so hurt, i've NEVER asked to borrow money from him, not even a pound for bread, and I dont spend stupidly, have never owned a catalogue or bought anything expensive, so where he's got the idea from that he wont get it back I dont know. Growing up, his dad never paid any maintenance, I paid for everything and often went without things I needed. Now i'm wondering if I should be making him pay something towards living here as yes, I do have some money coming but as I wont be able to claim esa anymore i'll have to live on it until hopefully i'm well enough to get back to work and it isnt a great deal of money, will probably last two years at the most. His attitude really shocked me and I dont know if he's just had it far too easy or i'm expecting too much of him. I'd never ask to borrow from him under normal circumstances dont get me wrong but we would be talking just a couple of hundred to get the house cleared out, for a few weeks, paid back in full. He wouldn't even miss it. He's an adult and is gaining money from the sale of this house too, a decent amount for his age!

Frazzled, I dont need to ask or tell dd, she just does her bit. Ds is hard work, I ask him to do something it's normally "later". I've told him before, if you see something that needs doing in the house just do it, dont wait to be asked (full bin etc, nothing difficult). If I ask him to mow the lawn he'll do the back but not the front as it's too much effort. (Each lawn area measures around 13ft by 13ft, the rest is slabbed, so hardly a field). Anything like that is hard for me as I have a herniated disc so it isn't out of lazyness that I ask, I could literally put my back out for days just bending funny up the slight slope the garden is on. I'm sure sometimes he thinks i'm lying!

I have often wondered how all the selfish and useless partners/husbands I read about on the relationship boards have come to exist in the 21st century.

I take your point Summer..I think as a single parent maybe i've tried to overcompensate in the past, shield them from anything upsetting maybe. However, dd gets it and ds doesn't which is odd as they've been brought up exactly the same.

I pity the person who ends up having him as a partner. It's time for you to tell him to act like an adult . Even a £15-20 contribution a week is the basic minimum plus doing things around the house.

@PurpleSapphire

I take your point Summer..I think as a single parent maybe i've tried to overcompensate in the past, shield them from anything upsetting maybe. However, dd gets it and ds doesn't which is odd as they've been brought up exactly the same.

I wonder if he sees chores as women's work? Even if those women also work outside the home as the sole earner? I know it's gutting if he does as it's so bleurgh but it might be a reason why at 24 he's happy to watch his mum and sister do more than him. He sounds like an entitled little shit (sorry I know he's your son) who needs to understand he is allowing (and worse,EXPECTING!) another adult to fund his life. Have you put it to him that way? He is being so selfish and at his age there is zero excuse. Deep rooted misogyny may be at root here I'm afraid.

Time to do a crucial step in parenting - supporting your child to be an adult and a good potential partner. Everything yoniandguy says.

Time to do a crucial step in parenting - supporting your child to be an adult and a good potential partner.

This

He didn’t suddenly turn into an entitled twat, you’ve just ignored it and made excuses up until now.

Yes you need to start charging him rent to help with the food and overheads. £30 per week seems reasonable to me. You are doing him no favours if you dont, you'll end up creating a self entitled man who cant last in relationships, because he refuses to pay his way.

He needs to understand that nothing is free in life. Not making any contribution is only teaching him that other people can put in all the effort and do all the hard work while he can sit back and make no effort.
My children paid towards household expenses based on what they earned. Not massive amounts but enough that they appreciate how expensive it is to run a house.
If you don't do anything about this situation you will as previous posters have already said create a lazy, self entitled man who will struggle in the real world.
I know initially you meant well not charging him but honestly you are doing him no favours letting him live for free. Hopefully some changes made now will help him appreciate all that you have done for him. Good luck

Purplesapphire, I was also a single parent.

I made sure both dc mucked in and we did things together.
I told my dc outright I couldn’t be doing everything on my own as I would never get any down time and I would become unwell as any person would.

My eldest would occasionally refuse to help eg come shopping as she didn’t want to carry heavy shopping home so I’d always buy younger dc a toy to make a point. Both dc do chores and help out around the house now.

You need to tell your son he either shapes up or finds his own place. At least that way you’re not paying for an adult to laze around the house creating more work for you. And if you save money you could perhaps ask around if there are any teens in your neighbourhood who’d like to make a regular tenner and mow the lawn.

Your son must have done everything for himself whilst he was away at university, so he knows food doesn’t magically appear bought and cooked and houses don’t clean themselves and bills don’t pay themselves. He’s just taking you for a mug.

He sounds just like my brother did when he was that age. My mum most definitely molly coddled him and he is now almost 40 and hasn't had a job since he was about 21. He acts like he is 14 still and just wants go get drunk with his mates. I'm the complete opposite and have worked ever since finishing college, own my own house etc. and even on the one occasion I was out of work for a few months after finishing college and had to claim jobseekers, I gave half of it to my mum for food shopping.
He was lazy at that age too. We used to joke that that Alisha Dixon song "does he wash up? he never washed up, does he clean up? no he never cleans up" was written just for him.

I'd definitely nip it in the bud now before it's too late. Sounds like he has it far too easy with you and he is taking advantage massively. I understand it must be hard cause he is your son and you love him, but you really won't be doing him any favours for his future by allowing him to live the way he is. Hes an adult and need to start acting like one

I'm sorry he made absolutely no effort for you yesterday, OP. You don't sound like the sort of person who is expecting the moon on a stick - I'm sure you would have been thrilled if he had brought you tea and toast in bed, written in a card for you and bought you some (inexpensive) flowers? It's the thought that counts isn't it, and at the moment he is demonstrating that he doesn't really think of you at all.

Have you actually tackled any of his poor attitude since your first post? I would have calculated ALL my additional costs since having him home (extra food, electricity, hot water, an addition for loss of living space etc.) and pointed out to him that HE was the reason I didn't have an extra £200 to hand - you've spent it all on him!!! I would have expected weekly payment in advance of that sum going forwards, plus a bit extra each week until he had "paid me back" for the costs so far. I would also insist on a list of chores for him to have sole responsibility for such as mowing the grass. I do hope you're not doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

Time to do a crucial step in parenting - supporting your child to be an adult and a good potential partner. - you've done nothing in 2 months and wonder why nothing has changed?

Your entitled, spoilt and selfish little 24yo brat is heading for either a) a shock, or b) a life abusing other women by doing nothing himself and expecting other people to do it for him.

Short Sharp Shock time I think. On behalf of all young women he might come into contact cocklodge with. He's an adult - treat him as such.

I would start charging him 20% or wages income and his share of his food.

I don't think you should borrow money off your children. It's your job to look after them, not the other way round. Just because you struggled financially when he was little doesn't mean he "owes" you a loan now.

However, he is an adult and does need to contribute to his living expenses, as he would have to wherever he lived. (Please note though that he won't be getting the housing element of Universal Credit, as you don't if you live with a parent. He isn't keeping this money from you, he doesn't receive it. It is assumed by the Universal Credit people that you will support him as his mum. The little bit of money he gets is for his personal living costs only.) So I think you would be within your rights to ask him for a fair amount of rent, as he does have savings. Alternatively you can ask him to leave - as if he moves in with a non family member his UC will be raised to include rent costs. Maybe you'd both prefer him to live elsewhere so he can have his rent covered instead.

As an aside I would be proud if I had a child that age that had the discipline to live quite frugally, and had savings. I don't think he's done anything wrong particularly, other than not bailing you out!

He needs to start pulling his weight both financially and physically. He's old enough to realise the fairies don't wash clothes and food isn't free at Tesco! The not getting you anything for Mother's Day is so disrespectful.

It's only been 2 weeks since I started this thread ptumbi, i've been busy with other things but yes, I do need to do something. He'll probably think it's out of spite because of yesterday unfortunately as he wont see what he's done wrong, and i'll be the villain I suppose but oh well, i'm used to that, he wouldn't get away with it if he lived with his father that's for sure!

Jovial i'm not asking him to bail me out, he is due to inherit from the house directly as I am. He would be reimbursed in a few weeks.

I'm worried that he just wont be able to cope with real life, his negativity and total lack of understanding amazes me, he doesn't know what a hard life is

But don't you see that you are the one enabling him? In fact you are the one holding him back. How else is he going to ever cope with real life, if his mum is there making sure he never experiences it. I think you need to toughen up and show him some tough love. Do you realise that besides not coping with real life, he is probably going to make some woman very miserable down the line. He is 24 and seems to have always been this selfish. Time is ticking before things can't be changed. I do feel sympathy for you because you seemed to have parented out of wanting the best but you are seriously enabling him.

Parenting is over. Adulting starts now

Anyway, he probably didn’t mean any harm. He probably had a bad experience with someone that may not have anything to do with you.
He still need to be an adult and take some of the responsibilities. Talk to his father about this as well

I can understand. It reminds me of my son. He's a good lad, don't get me wrong. He's 22. I've done so much to help him (not monetary) but in other ways. If I ask him to do anything (hold this ladder while I change a light bulb). He huffs and puffs. It's a bit sad really.

He’s a fully grown adult.

My two under 10y kids help around the house and the older of the two bought me a card out of their pocket money..

Why on earth isn’t he paying at least 30% of his ESA to you to cover some of his costs?! Is he trying to get a job or just paying in bed all day?

Stop enabling this BS!

Apols OP - I thought Feb was 2 months ago!

But you still need to face this. He is no longer a child and is a fully grown adult, responsible for his own finances and e needs to be shown how to pay for them.

He is a good lad in other ways. Never been in any trouble etc and he is applying for lots of jobs, that i've seen. Just a bit thoughtless and needing to take some responsibility it appears. I'll have a good chat with him and sort something out. Thanks for comments.