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Original poster

What would you do

27 replies

Simmyyx · 27/02/2021 10:12

So i need to vent.
Me and dh have been having a rocky relationship for a while. I spoken to him numerous number of time about the same issue that im finding hard to deal with.

Husabnd works very long hours i. E leaves 8am doesn't return till 11pm or something later only once in a blue moon home at 9pm. I do very much understand hes hard working and appropriate that but we are not struggling for him to be working so long hours. Im also looking to return to work at the minute im on maternity leave cause i had my little one 4 months ago. Hes never ever here for me or our 3 kids.

Ive been really struggling with my health because ive got really bad sciatica. Ive told him can he get back home on time latest try be back for dinner.

Hes turned around and told me im the reason if he doesnt do well in his job if he doesn't sucessed, Also keeps telling me he rather have a wife who does nothing at home then a nagging one and that maybe he should forget him dream because i dont let him get on with it. Im the reason for his failure and told me to get a full time job to as i dont appricate anything.

I do everything in this house from housework, cooking, bills, take care of my babies so i dont understand what his issue also is with me.

I feel like escaping from him with my kids. Everytime this issue arises he avoids it i told him its causing me mental stress as im so much on my own, im doing everything by myself like a single parent would. I dont feel like im married and it does get very lonely not being able to share anything with him. We dont even speak all day via text when i do text something cute i.e i miss you he ignores it. I feel bit upset cause he knows i been down but decides to make me feel more shit then i feel

Am i right to feel so so fed up

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 27/02/2021 10:38

Yes you are right ok,what are you getting from this relationship? You are basically a single parent x

Jillypots · 27/02/2021 11:10

Of course you’re right to be upset. I understand that he works hard - good for him - but if you are coping with small kids, sciatica and all the housework with no help at all, then you deserve a medal! What happens at weekends - does he do anything with the kids then to give you a break (and for him to spend some quality tine with his kids)?

Snowymcsnowsony · 27/02/2021 11:11

Hell what sort of job demands those hours?

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2021 11:15

No job should need to work those hours every single day

What is his failure?

LivingDeadDoll · 27/02/2021 11:17

You're nothing like a single parent.

I assume you don't have to worry about working or money; paying bills or providing for the children.

I appreciate you don't have emotional or practical.support and that is hard. But it's not like being a single parent.

He should be spending time with the children at weekends though. That should he his 'downtime'. Children are supposed to be people you wanted in your life and choose to spend time with.

Dayafterday · 27/02/2021 11:17

Why did he want a family with three children when he doesn’t spend time with them?

TheChip · 27/02/2021 11:18

Is he living some kind of double life? Those hours are ridiculous. You are right though, you're pretty much a single parent. He just lives with you and earns money for you all. I personally would struggle to handle that kind of set up, no matter how comfortable we might be financially. Id want a partner who was present.

Original poster
Simmyyx · 27/02/2021 11:25

@LivingDeadDoll i do alot of financial handling i.e bills etc. Foods on the table. Yes getting milk here there helps but im still more than capable of doing that myself. Even if i do manage to speak to him once his back from work hes focusing less on the conversation and more on his phone catching up with work. So feel single tbfSad

OP posts:
Aprilx · 27/02/2021 11:31

He doesn’t seem to have any respect for you.

And those hours are ridiculous, I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t do something about that. I have also never heard of anyone consistently working hours like that before and I have worked in investment banking in London which has a bit of a reputation for long hours.

Snowymcsnowsony · 27/02/2021 11:54

Sorry but it sounds like he has emotionally checked out...

LivingDeadDoll · 27/02/2021 12:39

i do alot of financial handling i.e bills etc. Foods on the table. Yes getting milk here there helps but im still more than capable of doing that myself.

My point was that you're not having to go out and work full time to earn the money on top of everything else that you're doing.

Believe me, I'm well aware of what it's like being in a shit, lonely marriage. But its nothing like being a single parent where the responsibility for absolutely every single last thing falls to you.

Single parents don't just physically pay the bills (which most people do by DD anyway), they have to do everything you are doing plus what your husband is doing too.

Tbh, as for the hours he's working, something isnt right there. He might be working hard (or living a double life!) but he certainly isnt working smart.

Why isn't he more efficient or effective during standard working hours that requires him to work so much? What is he actually achieving in those hours?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/02/2021 12:48

I would be suspiscious of something going on here. He's out the house for 16 hours a day, has no love or respect for you or his children, cannot be contacted at work, disproportionately aggressive response to being asked to spend time with the woman he married... I'd get your ducks in a row OP.

Eckhart · 27/02/2021 12:54

Don't question your feelings. Everybody is entitled to like/not like/get pissed off about/loathe/love anything they want, any time. There are no rules, and nobody can criticise this.

What people can criticise is your response to your feelings. So, if you're upset because your husband works all the time, you can choose to calmly tell him, or you can choose to throw the tv out of the window and burn all his clothes. See what I mean?

We all need to be around people who understand and respect our feelings. So, if you tell someone calmly what's bothering you, you can decide the future of the relationship on their response. If they want to find a compromise so that you both get what you want, great. If they have some sort of 'you are wrong to feel like that/you are an idiot/I am doing the right thing and you are feeling the wrong thing' response, then you need to make a distance between yourself and them, because they are not interested in whether you feel ok or not; they are interested in shutting up your feelings, because how you feel is an inconvenience to them.

What would I do? Depending on how far down this road you feel you are, I would either a) leave or b) tell him that unless he starts respecting your feelings, you will leave.

This is your life. Your feelings are everything. If you think about it, you could have all the riches and free time in the world, and live in a mansion on a golden beach, and staff to bring you everything you desire, but if you're in a shit mood whilst you're there, it all amounts to nothing, doesn't it? So, take care of your feelings. Nobody can tell you what is a right feeling or a wrong feeling.

Your feelings are your signposts. They will be different from everybody else's. Let them guide you. If something feels unpleasant, move away from it. If something feels pleasant, move towards it. Nobody can tell you what to like and what not to like. That's 'boundaries', in short.

You need to make the switch into the mindset of your feelings being important to you. Prioritise them. Asking on the internet if they are reasonable or not is seeking external validation. Validate yourself: 'My feelings are always a priority; my feelings are always a priority' over and over on repeat.

Original poster
Simmyyx · 27/02/2021 13:37

He keeps telling its for the futrue. But is not understanding that currently we all need him. Hes being very selfish with his response because i feel guilty for even speaking now

OP posts:
Eckhart · 27/02/2021 13:47

He does understand, though. He's just prioritising his feelings, and giving yours no credence.

Why do you feel guilty? Can you pick that apart, get to the root of it?

Original poster
Simmyyx · 27/02/2021 13:52

Guilty as in.. he feels like im the one who will make dream fail. But i do really wish him well for his future but its just currently he shows no care to what is happening at home @Eckhart

OP posts:
tropicalwaterdiver · 27/02/2021 13:59

Does he run own business? That's the only things I can think of to justify long hours. If he is employed, I would look into long hours as it doesn't sound plausible. No employer can legally demand 70 hrs working week.
From what you told it does sound like he doesn't like to spend time at home.

RantyAnty · 27/02/2021 14:01

70 hours a week. What does he do for a living?

Eckhart · 27/02/2021 14:03

@Simmyyx

Guilty as in.. he feels like im the one who will make dream fail. But i do really wish him well for his future but its just currently he shows no care to what is happening at home *@Eckhart*
Do you feel like you would be the one to make the dream fail?

What do you feel? You you you.

tropicalwaterdiver · 27/02/2021 14:10

Answering your question, I would try to find out what he is doing...

Original poster
Simmyyx · 28/02/2021 00:13

Seems to be ignoring me since back today. Pure headache

OP posts:
Weenurse · 28/02/2021 00:18

💐
What is his dream?
What is your dream?
Are they compatible?

MNerGoneRogueAgain · 28/02/2021 00:24

At what point in your lives did he start working these kind of hours? Before DC1? After DC2? Since DC3?

OldWomanSaysThis · 28/02/2021 00:52

You're just living separate lives.

Krazynights34 · 28/02/2021 02:08

Is he earning millions?
No???
Then he’s avoiding family life

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