Perspective needed. Please help.

[Perpetuallyfrustrated]

I just need a bit of perspective and some different opinions on a situation that has occurred in my household this evening.

We had just finished watching a film together (me, DH, DD + DS) The end credits were rolling and the tv was blaring, it was so loud that I couldn’t think straight. DD10 stood up and said she was going to clean her teeth I was frantically trying to turn the tv down but it wasn’t going down fast enough and she kept on repeating herself as she wasn’t getting an instant “ok” from me, I got frustrated with this and shouted “ok”. She snapped back at me, “sorry!” So I told her off for being rude. DH very childishly responds with a “woah” to me which made me feel utterly undermined and DS15 tells DD that she “always ruins everything”. DD stomps off up the stairs at this. I tell DS not to be mean and say things like that etc and DH proceeds to tell me that I’ve caused the entire thing. DS goes upstairs to get ready for bed and DH and I proceed to have a falling out where I tell him that I don’t expect him to undermine me like that. He tells me that he thinks it’s perfectly fine for a child to snap back at a parent if the parent has snapped at them. I don’t agree. My head feels like it’s going to explode and I feel so confused by what just happened. I was irritated as she could see that I was trying to turn the tv down but persisted to repeat herself (I know children do this) but I feel like DH made the situation worse by belittling me. I am interested in others opinions on this as I feel like I’m going mad. I am happy to be told I’m in the wrong. I can’t talk to anyone else about this. Thank you.

You (an adult) shouted at a child, your husband tried to diffuse it and now you feel ‘belittled’ and ‘utterly undermined’? That’s a lot of drama. You’re annoyed with your DD for snapping back at you even though you as her parent and an adult gave her the example of that behaviour, and you’re trying to excuse it by saying sometimes you get overwhelmed and you just snap. Is your DD not allowed the same leeway as you are? Maybe she was overwhelmed and just snapped too? And at 10 she’ll be less able to regulate her emotions than you, an adult.

I think I get it OP. This in itself may be a trivial incident on its own, but if it's far from isolated, and there are relentless examples like this it wears you down.

@Eekay

I think I get it OP. This in itself may be a trivial incident on its own, but if it's far from isolated, and there are relentless examples like this it wears you down.

You’ve hit the nail on the head.

Well you have my sympathy. Feeling unheard and undermined is very wearing. Probably time to have a think about how you want to tackle this if it's a recurrent theme. Good luck.

I agree it doesn’t sound very minor (mountain out of a mole hill)
Unless its just an example of what he’s always like?
You say it’s not like this when it’s just you & your kids?

*does not doesn’t

I think it is unreasonable to expect your child to behave in one way whilst you behave in another. You snapped at her but expect her to be polite to you in response when she really hadn’t done anything wrong in the first place. It would be better to apologise to her for snapping and admit we all make mistakes when we are tired, she can then do the same. Otherwise you are holding her to a standard of perfection that is particularly unfair given that you can’t reach it either.

Sounds a bit like you and maybe the kids were on pins.

Why?

Tiredness or something else.

If tiredness then yeah just one of those things and start afresh tomorrow - shit happens.

However it’s not a bad thing for Dd to stand up for herself.

Also Parent does not equal God.

Hope you feel a bit better this morning OP. These kind of family dynamics can be very wearying and grind you down. Sounds like everyone needs a bit of space - it's like everyone is right on top of each other - your dd demanding an instant response - your DS and DH sticking oars in.

I think it sounds like it's difficult for you all to have your own mental space within the family group, to be able to be calm and relaxed whilst in the presence of others in the family. Instead it kind of fried you all trying to get in each other's heads and space. I mean this mentally as well as physically.

No wonder you feel frustrated and exhausted.

When I said "try to chill" earlier I think what I meant was something about trying to hold on to your own mental space and equilibrium and not allow others to put their own minds and demands into your space. Then I think you'll be able to deal more calmly with all the demands the family place on you as there will be some mental space between you where you have room to think before reacting and snapping.

• instead it kind of feels like

If I snap at my DD5 over essentially nothing, I would expect her to snap back at me, not take a telling off for nothing. I want her to be able to stand up for herself and if that means questioning a grown up over their behaviour, fine.

There have been a couple of times where we are in a similar situation (not with the passive DH) and I have snapped, she immediately snaps back and says I'm not being kind / fair etc and I apologise, we have a hug and it's done.

The times when I actually tell her off (stepping into a road without properly looking etc) she knows she's in the wrong and would never question me.

Thanks all for the responses and opinions. Each one is very helpful.

Just to clarify, I have a lovely relationship with both of my children. My daughter can stand up for herself and I encourage her to do so. She is not cheeky or rude. I wholeheartedly agree that parent does not equal god.

The big issue here is DH and his passiveness. He was there too, she was speaking to both of us and yet I am the default parent. It’s like he is a visiting uncle most of the time and it is beyond frustrating for me, and the children to be honest.

I’m not sure how to approach his passiveness as anytime I’ve tried to broach the subject he dismisses me or walks away or we end up having an argument because he “doesn’t like the way I’m speaking”. I could be whispering or signing and yet it’s always the same response. I just feel utterly dejected.

I know how you feel about him being like a visiting uncle...

I hear you on default parent (this is the role I feel is assigned me also and is exhausting !) and Visiting uncle also sounds irritatingly familiar.

Sounds like you are generally not very supported by DH.

The most impactful part solution to this for me has been carving out some parenting roles for DH where he does take over with the parenting. When the kids were little he did bath time - this role includes the prep, gathering kids and towels and tidying bathroom after and dressing kids dealing with any ‘matters arising’ lol

Now it is more often science homework, board games and dog walking with the children too.

However in our house DH also cooks, shops and does the washing. Me cleaning ironing and house and children admin, social secretary. Plus the huge task that is tidying - no solution for reducing this burden.

Children now when asked put away clean clothes, sort their own school bags including lunchboxes, and set the tea table.

There are many parenting/adulting tasks that would never cross DH mind and the kids ‘can I ‘ questions are always directed to me.

OP,
You have my sympathy.

I can read between the lines.

You sound ground down by it.

Your husband sounds like a nasty piece of work, all wrapped up in a PA prick who likes to wind you up, see you upset, dismissive you and for him to look like the calm easy going parent in the face of temperamental mum.

I would how happy your marriage is really?